There is this ongoing moaning around the world about how men and women cannot become just friends? Well, I'm one of the last few who says it's not possible because all my best friends are straight guys. One of the reasons they can be good friends with me is that, while they tend to be self-centred, I rarely am. And because I'm rarely self-centred, I am able to see what they are doing and how they operate.
I know it sounds corny but I'm afraid it's true. Guys tend to say one thing and do a whole other thing. Don't get me wrong. Girls do it too. In fact, I know some girls who are very good at such double standards that I can only laugh at them.
Yet, my point here is not to so much the inability of the opposite sex to be good friends but more of the ability to see things from a different point of view. I've learnt over the years that when you're on the inside of a situation you tend to see things in black and white. Like when I fell in love with my best friend years ago, and he played me for the fool that I was, I made the huge mistake of going to his friends to verbally bash him. It was later when I was able to be rational that I realised that, although they sympathised with me and understood why I felt the way I did, I still had no right to judge him. I had even less right to complain to his friends about him.
My other point is that when you're on the outside, you see things much clearer. Especially when it comes to guys. Five years ago, I learnt to see Shook for what he was because I was secure enough to step out of their bubble of friendship long enough to learn about them all. A few years back, Art mentioned something about me being the epicentre to their gatherings. This was only because I always took the time to get everyone together for a dinner or lunch. I also always made sure to tell Shook about the gatherings because the others were always too wary to call him out for dinners or lunches. To this day, I'm not sure why. After a while I got tired of doing this because I got tired of being pestered to arrange a gathering. Usually the pestering came from people less secure and more desperate than I am for a gathering.
Anyway, when I am with these guys, I don't sit there vying to be the centre of their attentions and neither do I always want to be part of their conversations. Sometimes, I just sit there and watch them. My Interpersonal Communications lecturer once told me that one of the best times to watch people is when they are in a crowd. True colours will appear then because deep down we're all social animals.
So I watched and I learnt. And then later, when they ask me for any kind of advice, they get surprised when I hit a few nails on the heads. I've had years of experience in being a wallflower. I guess when you've been criticised, bullied, molested and made fun of often enough in your childhood, there has to be some psychological repercussions, even once you've reached adulthood. I was once the most insecure person I know then I went to the US and decided to get a backbone and be less caring about what people thought of me.
However, always there is a sacrifice. I've learnt that when I began my mantra of 'I don't care', I had to learn to accept that when I don't show I care, nobody will show me that they care either. So again, I had to learn to balance my feelings and my thoughts.
Now, you might wonder why I am suddenly on this intrapersonal kick. It's because I see a lot of things going on around me that others don't see. I've also already established a major rapport with Shook's friends and they know they could ask me anything and I'll answer them as best I could. So when I'm asked questions by people who know that the topic of their question will not appreciate being questioned, these people come and ask me because they know I can see things objectively. My personal thoughts and feelings hardly ever come in question then. And if they don't like my answer, they know that my only reply would be 'And this affects my life how?'
As for the men and women being friends, it usually works well until one or both of them have the idea to change the status of the relationship. And to me, a friendship is as much a relationship as anything else because it still requires a lot of work and understanding and compromise. And above all else, it has a lot to do with 'If you can't take it, don't dish it out.' - another principle I've learnt to live by.
I know it sounds corny but I'm afraid it's true. Guys tend to say one thing and do a whole other thing. Don't get me wrong. Girls do it too. In fact, I know some girls who are very good at such double standards that I can only laugh at them.
Yet, my point here is not to so much the inability of the opposite sex to be good friends but more of the ability to see things from a different point of view. I've learnt over the years that when you're on the inside of a situation you tend to see things in black and white. Like when I fell in love with my best friend years ago, and he played me for the fool that I was, I made the huge mistake of going to his friends to verbally bash him. It was later when I was able to be rational that I realised that, although they sympathised with me and understood why I felt the way I did, I still had no right to judge him. I had even less right to complain to his friends about him.
My other point is that when you're on the outside, you see things much clearer. Especially when it comes to guys. Five years ago, I learnt to see Shook for what he was because I was secure enough to step out of their bubble of friendship long enough to learn about them all. A few years back, Art mentioned something about me being the epicentre to their gatherings. This was only because I always took the time to get everyone together for a dinner or lunch. I also always made sure to tell Shook about the gatherings because the others were always too wary to call him out for dinners or lunches. To this day, I'm not sure why. After a while I got tired of doing this because I got tired of being pestered to arrange a gathering. Usually the pestering came from people less secure and more desperate than I am for a gathering.
Anyway, when I am with these guys, I don't sit there vying to be the centre of their attentions and neither do I always want to be part of their conversations. Sometimes, I just sit there and watch them. My Interpersonal Communications lecturer once told me that one of the best times to watch people is when they are in a crowd. True colours will appear then because deep down we're all social animals.
So I watched and I learnt. And then later, when they ask me for any kind of advice, they get surprised when I hit a few nails on the heads. I've had years of experience in being a wallflower. I guess when you've been criticised, bullied, molested and made fun of often enough in your childhood, there has to be some psychological repercussions, even once you've reached adulthood. I was once the most insecure person I know then I went to the US and decided to get a backbone and be less caring about what people thought of me.
However, always there is a sacrifice. I've learnt that when I began my mantra of 'I don't care', I had to learn to accept that when I don't show I care, nobody will show me that they care either. So again, I had to learn to balance my feelings and my thoughts.
Now, you might wonder why I am suddenly on this intrapersonal kick. It's because I see a lot of things going on around me that others don't see. I've also already established a major rapport with Shook's friends and they know they could ask me anything and I'll answer them as best I could. So when I'm asked questions by people who know that the topic of their question will not appreciate being questioned, these people come and ask me because they know I can see things objectively. My personal thoughts and feelings hardly ever come in question then. And if they don't like my answer, they know that my only reply would be 'And this affects my life how?'
As for the men and women being friends, it usually works well until one or both of them have the idea to change the status of the relationship. And to me, a friendship is as much a relationship as anything else because it still requires a lot of work and understanding and compromise. And above all else, it has a lot to do with 'If you can't take it, don't dish it out.' - another principle I've learnt to live by.
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