Sometimes in the course of teaching my students, I come across topics or thoughts that make me wonder as well.
As a teacher, I try to help my students do and be good while being realistic enough to make them aware of the world they live in. Other than topics of homosexuality, they also asked me how I knew I loved my husband enough to marry him.
This has always been something that was on my mind the months before I got married. I'm realistic enough to realise that I didn't want to marry someone just because he was there or he liked me or even just because. I needed to know I felt strongly enough for him that I was able to go through any and all situations and still be with him and not walk away like I always do.
Quite honestly, I was not even sure if he loved me. I suppose by his actions, it showed he did. But, what man today can be taken on his word alone? Or I really am more cynical than I thought I was.
Before anyone pops an eye, I am sure he knows all this about me already. I've done lots of soul-searching and confronting myself since he's been away and I've realised many things about myself and him.
As undecided as I was about love and where I stood with it, I married him because I knew I can spend the rest of my life waking up next to him every morning. In fact, I was very sure I could spend my days and nights with him. Yet a part of me still questioned my own feelings.
So, getting back to my students, I gave them an answer which blew their minds. I told them that I didn't know whether I loved my husband or even how I knew I loved my husband. I couldn't even explain what love was.
But, in actual fact, I do know. Now. I didn't know then if I loved him enough to work through all our problems but I was stubborn enough to be sure I would work through it. I just wasn't sure if the determination was born from intense love or just plain stubborness.
To be fair, I knew I love him. Just not whether I was in love with him.
Since he's been away though, many things have happened. All my insecurities and jealousies have risen to the surface. Nobody fully understands my dilemma because nobody actually has sat down with me to try and understand the conflict within myself and with him.
For one, I know I am the jealous type. I hate being so. Therefore, I hate myself when I get jealous. So combine two intense emotions like hate and jealousy and you have one very conflicting soul.
A lot of times, I need assurance. I need someone to tell me I am right to be jealous. If he were here, he would do it. But he wasn't. And the only assurance I got was from my 15-year-old sister, which, although I valued, was not enough because my sisters are known for their unconditional loyalty.
As it was, I struggled with all those emotions to a point that I was contemplating divorce and all such dire things. Hey, I always have a solution ready to any problem. I figured if we couldn't work past this bit, I was not willing to face anymore and I was going to cut my losses. At the same time, I wasn't going to go down alone so I was also very sure I was going to tell the world my story. Every newspaper was going to know what had happened to me and everyone in Malaysia and beyond was going to know why I was divorced. When I go down, I go down screaming and kicking.
Luckily, I married a person who not only is more patient than I give him credit for, but he also loves me more than I sometimes think I deserve. After much talking and reassuring, I realised I had nothing to fear. Whatever that girl was planning or thought she could gain from him, didn't work on him because 1) she screwed up by not knowing him well enough and 2) he got fed up with her childishness. So even as friends, he figured she was a lost cause and too stupid to value something as simple as friendship.
But after all that, I realised there was a whole lot more to what I felt for him. I realise now that I love him enough not to just want him in my life forever, but also to fight for and with him, if I had to. I realised that something I read once is very true.
I once read that if you love someone, you love him as a child, an equal and a mother. The child is that you want him to protect and take care of him, the equal is when you want to listen and cherish him and the mother is when you want to take care of him so that he is never hurt or disappointed. There's a whole lot more to that thought but that's about all I could remember of it. But now I realise it is true. Sometimes, I mother him, sometimes I want to be protected by him and sometimes I want him to value my opinions.
And the fact that we are this way with each other assures me more than any words ever said that we do love each other. I am in love with him. I miss him the most every weekend because that is when I have time to realise I am alone in my room. I value him more now because he is away more than he is here. And because I value him more, I also don't take him for granted as much.
I also realise that no matter how much time I spend with him when he was or is around, it doesn't make missing him any less. All my efforts to spend little time with him before he went off to Bintulu last year in the hopes I won't miss him as much was also pretty much useless since I miss him anyway.
And as much as I love my friends and family, they cannot make up for his lack of presence. And although we really don't have very much in common, we make up for it with our weird sense of dark humour and pragmatism.
We do argue and sometimes we get annoyed with each other. Sometimes I hang up the phone after barely five minutes either because I'm in a bad mood or he is. But I realise it is part of a relationship. I'd be worried if he always tries to keep the peace. I'd be pissed if I always had to be the one to keep the peace. A peaceful relationship is about as bad as one where both parties are always fighting. It means one of them is trying too hard to not be themself.
But, my point is all this is just way too complicated for my students. So what I do is I give them the bare bones of the ups and downs and then I tell them they have to work out the rest themselves. But what I do tell them is that they cannot hide all their lives. They need to live to know. And by 'live' I mean they need to dare to take risks, even if it is as stupid as saying 'hi' to the cute guy or girl sitting alone in the corner.
Afer all, you never know what you've missed until you've tried it.
As a teacher, I try to help my students do and be good while being realistic enough to make them aware of the world they live in. Other than topics of homosexuality, they also asked me how I knew I loved my husband enough to marry him.
This has always been something that was on my mind the months before I got married. I'm realistic enough to realise that I didn't want to marry someone just because he was there or he liked me or even just because. I needed to know I felt strongly enough for him that I was able to go through any and all situations and still be with him and not walk away like I always do.
Quite honestly, I was not even sure if he loved me. I suppose by his actions, it showed he did. But, what man today can be taken on his word alone? Or I really am more cynical than I thought I was.
Before anyone pops an eye, I am sure he knows all this about me already. I've done lots of soul-searching and confronting myself since he's been away and I've realised many things about myself and him.
As undecided as I was about love and where I stood with it, I married him because I knew I can spend the rest of my life waking up next to him every morning. In fact, I was very sure I could spend my days and nights with him. Yet a part of me still questioned my own feelings.
So, getting back to my students, I gave them an answer which blew their minds. I told them that I didn't know whether I loved my husband or even how I knew I loved my husband. I couldn't even explain what love was.
But, in actual fact, I do know. Now. I didn't know then if I loved him enough to work through all our problems but I was stubborn enough to be sure I would work through it. I just wasn't sure if the determination was born from intense love or just plain stubborness.
To be fair, I knew I love him. Just not whether I was in love with him.
Since he's been away though, many things have happened. All my insecurities and jealousies have risen to the surface. Nobody fully understands my dilemma because nobody actually has sat down with me to try and understand the conflict within myself and with him.
For one, I know I am the jealous type. I hate being so. Therefore, I hate myself when I get jealous. So combine two intense emotions like hate and jealousy and you have one very conflicting soul.
A lot of times, I need assurance. I need someone to tell me I am right to be jealous. If he were here, he would do it. But he wasn't. And the only assurance I got was from my 15-year-old sister, which, although I valued, was not enough because my sisters are known for their unconditional loyalty.
As it was, I struggled with all those emotions to a point that I was contemplating divorce and all such dire things. Hey, I always have a solution ready to any problem. I figured if we couldn't work past this bit, I was not willing to face anymore and I was going to cut my losses. At the same time, I wasn't going to go down alone so I was also very sure I was going to tell the world my story. Every newspaper was going to know what had happened to me and everyone in Malaysia and beyond was going to know why I was divorced. When I go down, I go down screaming and kicking.
Luckily, I married a person who not only is more patient than I give him credit for, but he also loves me more than I sometimes think I deserve. After much talking and reassuring, I realised I had nothing to fear. Whatever that girl was planning or thought she could gain from him, didn't work on him because 1) she screwed up by not knowing him well enough and 2) he got fed up with her childishness. So even as friends, he figured she was a lost cause and too stupid to value something as simple as friendship.
But after all that, I realised there was a whole lot more to what I felt for him. I realise now that I love him enough not to just want him in my life forever, but also to fight for and with him, if I had to. I realised that something I read once is very true.
I once read that if you love someone, you love him as a child, an equal and a mother. The child is that you want him to protect and take care of him, the equal is when you want to listen and cherish him and the mother is when you want to take care of him so that he is never hurt or disappointed. There's a whole lot more to that thought but that's about all I could remember of it. But now I realise it is true. Sometimes, I mother him, sometimes I want to be protected by him and sometimes I want him to value my opinions.
And the fact that we are this way with each other assures me more than any words ever said that we do love each other. I am in love with him. I miss him the most every weekend because that is when I have time to realise I am alone in my room. I value him more now because he is away more than he is here. And because I value him more, I also don't take him for granted as much.
I also realise that no matter how much time I spend with him when he was or is around, it doesn't make missing him any less. All my efforts to spend little time with him before he went off to Bintulu last year in the hopes I won't miss him as much was also pretty much useless since I miss him anyway.
And as much as I love my friends and family, they cannot make up for his lack of presence. And although we really don't have very much in common, we make up for it with our weird sense of dark humour and pragmatism.
We do argue and sometimes we get annoyed with each other. Sometimes I hang up the phone after barely five minutes either because I'm in a bad mood or he is. But I realise it is part of a relationship. I'd be worried if he always tries to keep the peace. I'd be pissed if I always had to be the one to keep the peace. A peaceful relationship is about as bad as one where both parties are always fighting. It means one of them is trying too hard to not be themself.
But, my point is all this is just way too complicated for my students. So what I do is I give them the bare bones of the ups and downs and then I tell them they have to work out the rest themselves. But what I do tell them is that they cannot hide all their lives. They need to live to know. And by 'live' I mean they need to dare to take risks, even if it is as stupid as saying 'hi' to the cute guy or girl sitting alone in the corner.
Afer all, you never know what you've missed until you've tried it.
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