I am not one to air my dirty laundry all over the Internet but there are just some things that really pisses me off and I just need to get it off my chest.
But I need to begin with the bit that does not piss me off. My daughter, Puteri Athena Maimunah, was born on Friday 26 September 2008 at 7.57 p.m. She looks a whole lot like her father, which sends that saying that if you want your child to look like someone, look at their picture or them all the time while you're pregnant, right out the window! It all comes down to genetics after all.
Then, the day before Raya, we had to admit her back into the hospital for jaundice. And her bilirubin count was pretty high. High enough to be scary. And the doctor was apparently one who believed in telling the whole truth to new parents. Either that or we really looked like we could handle anything he had to throw at us. Well, he doesn't know me. Or should I say I didn't know myself very well at that point.
After leaving her at the hospital, I came home still quite calm. But then I got all teary-eyed. The teariness soon turned into a huge bucketful of tears which could not stop. But being me, I hid it from Shook and I think he initially thought I was crying over the Raya movie that was on tv. When we went back to the hospital to check on her, I was okay until I saw my gynaecologist. Then I burst into tears right there in the corridor. She kept saying the baby will be fine and that jaundice is common nowadays. And I kept crying. So she kept asking if I was okay. I suspect she thought I had post-partum depression. I told her I was fine except that I can't stop crying.
Shook and I got home and I started crying again. I had stopped in the car but as soon as I lay down on the bed, the waterfall started and I couldn't stop it. He got worried and wasn't quite sure what to do. He asked if I wanted to go to his parents house since mine were in KL but I wasn't sure even they could help me. I just couldn't stop crying. Then my mom called and I wailed again. (I found out later that my parents told him to take me out to town that night to distract me after going to the hospital that evening. That explained his sudden need for KFC)
So the next few days were not my best days ever. I sat and chatted to people who came to the house for Raya. I was there physically but my mind was elsewhere. I felt, what my sisters called, lost. I didn't think it was possible after only 4 days but I was missing my daughter like mad.
I got her back last Saturday. I was paranoid a lot the first few days. I kept seeing yellow when there was none.
And, of course, I got a lot of 'well-meaning' advice. However, most people would accept when I said yes or that I'll do whatever they recommended or that I'll look into it. Except one person.
What is really sad is that this person is an aunt. My mother has been angry with her a lot because she tends to get self-righteous and refuses to realise that she might just be wrong. I've been annoyed with her somewhat but I've been tolerant and I've tried to be fair. However, she messaged me yesterday asking me to call her back saying it was urgent. So I called. Next thing I knew, she was telling me how the name I had given my daughter will not get her into heaven when she dies. She kept on and on about how I must change the name. At first, I was calmly telling her yes and yes, I'll look into it and yes, Shook has a cousin who is a qualified Ustaz who studied in Mekah and I'll check with him. Three times I said this. Then she got annoying. She kept on and on about how the name Athena will not be called by Allah to go into Heaven and how she'll be cast aside and how I MUST change the name. And she kept saying 'I'm telling you that you MUST do this, okay? I'm telling you."
At this point, I got angry and I yelled at her! My emotions were already tenuous at best and there she was going on and on about how my daughter who was just born will not go into Heaven when she dies. I was not in the right frame to mind to listen. I yelled at her that I will check and when she went on talking, I slammed down the phone. I started crying then and I can assure you that, if she was standing in front of me, I would have picked up the closest object and bludgeoned her with it. I was angry and almost crazy. I called my mom, burst out crying again and told her I never want to talk to that aunty ever again. Then I went to my room, huddled up to Shook and cried again. At least this time, I didn't cry as long or as hard as when Athena first went into the hospital.
Apparently, my mom called the aunt up and told her off. And the aunt said we were being irrational. And then she turned it around to say my mom was growing distant from them. I mean, it sounds like a soap opera! Seriously. You start one problem and try to sound like a qualified religious teacher, which you are not (and you don't even dress like a person who seems to know what her religion is!) and then you turn around and try to make it seem like everything is our fault?!
My cousin is a qualified religious teacher. He didn't say anything about Athena's name. Shook's cousin didn't say anything about her name. This aunt who has just started taking classes in the near past (compared to my mom who has been attending talks and seminars on religion since before she went on the Hajj more than 10 years ago!) suddenly decides she knows what is best and won't even allow me the chance to check or get a second opinion. I really would have checked if she hadn't gone on and on about how my newborn daughter will end up in Hell because of her name and because Allah does not acknowledge her.
All this from the same aunt who tried to tell me my mother is a bad mother and wife, who badnames my mother in front of me and who acts as if she is my father's wife when we do meet her and her children for meals. The same aunt who is talking about my mother behind her back to their other relatives. Despite my initial inclination to hate her, I have tried giving her and her children the benefit of the doubt and all the fairness I can muster.
This is what I meant by religion being twisted by people who are ill-advised or having very little knowledge but already acting like they know everything. There is nothing wrong with the religion. What I do know is that Allah judges us based on our deeds, our thoughts and our heart. He doesn't judge us based on our names.
I hope He forgives her for her transgressions because at this point in time, I cannot. And even if I ever do forgive, I will never forget how she has hurt me. And if she ever comes back to Kuching (which is too lowly for her and she has to ask my parents to pay for her passage when she does come back) I will not acknowledge her and neither will I let Athena near her. After all, why should we sinners ever think we could go near such exalted, godly beings like her?
But I need to begin with the bit that does not piss me off. My daughter, Puteri Athena Maimunah, was born on Friday 26 September 2008 at 7.57 p.m. She looks a whole lot like her father, which sends that saying that if you want your child to look like someone, look at their picture or them all the time while you're pregnant, right out the window! It all comes down to genetics after all.
Then, the day before Raya, we had to admit her back into the hospital for jaundice. And her bilirubin count was pretty high. High enough to be scary. And the doctor was apparently one who believed in telling the whole truth to new parents. Either that or we really looked like we could handle anything he had to throw at us. Well, he doesn't know me. Or should I say I didn't know myself very well at that point.
After leaving her at the hospital, I came home still quite calm. But then I got all teary-eyed. The teariness soon turned into a huge bucketful of tears which could not stop. But being me, I hid it from Shook and I think he initially thought I was crying over the Raya movie that was on tv. When we went back to the hospital to check on her, I was okay until I saw my gynaecologist. Then I burst into tears right there in the corridor. She kept saying the baby will be fine and that jaundice is common nowadays. And I kept crying. So she kept asking if I was okay. I suspect she thought I had post-partum depression. I told her I was fine except that I can't stop crying.
Shook and I got home and I started crying again. I had stopped in the car but as soon as I lay down on the bed, the waterfall started and I couldn't stop it. He got worried and wasn't quite sure what to do. He asked if I wanted to go to his parents house since mine were in KL but I wasn't sure even they could help me. I just couldn't stop crying. Then my mom called and I wailed again. (I found out later that my parents told him to take me out to town that night to distract me after going to the hospital that evening. That explained his sudden need for KFC)
So the next few days were not my best days ever. I sat and chatted to people who came to the house for Raya. I was there physically but my mind was elsewhere. I felt, what my sisters called, lost. I didn't think it was possible after only 4 days but I was missing my daughter like mad.
I got her back last Saturday. I was paranoid a lot the first few days. I kept seeing yellow when there was none.
And, of course, I got a lot of 'well-meaning' advice. However, most people would accept when I said yes or that I'll do whatever they recommended or that I'll look into it. Except one person.
What is really sad is that this person is an aunt. My mother has been angry with her a lot because she tends to get self-righteous and refuses to realise that she might just be wrong. I've been annoyed with her somewhat but I've been tolerant and I've tried to be fair. However, she messaged me yesterday asking me to call her back saying it was urgent. So I called. Next thing I knew, she was telling me how the name I had given my daughter will not get her into heaven when she dies. She kept on and on about how I must change the name. At first, I was calmly telling her yes and yes, I'll look into it and yes, Shook has a cousin who is a qualified Ustaz who studied in Mekah and I'll check with him. Three times I said this. Then she got annoying. She kept on and on about how the name Athena will not be called by Allah to go into Heaven and how she'll be cast aside and how I MUST change the name. And she kept saying 'I'm telling you that you MUST do this, okay? I'm telling you."
At this point, I got angry and I yelled at her! My emotions were already tenuous at best and there she was going on and on about how my daughter who was just born will not go into Heaven when she dies. I was not in the right frame to mind to listen. I yelled at her that I will check and when she went on talking, I slammed down the phone. I started crying then and I can assure you that, if she was standing in front of me, I would have picked up the closest object and bludgeoned her with it. I was angry and almost crazy. I called my mom, burst out crying again and told her I never want to talk to that aunty ever again. Then I went to my room, huddled up to Shook and cried again. At least this time, I didn't cry as long or as hard as when Athena first went into the hospital.
Apparently, my mom called the aunt up and told her off. And the aunt said we were being irrational. And then she turned it around to say my mom was growing distant from them. I mean, it sounds like a soap opera! Seriously. You start one problem and try to sound like a qualified religious teacher, which you are not (and you don't even dress like a person who seems to know what her religion is!) and then you turn around and try to make it seem like everything is our fault?!
My cousin is a qualified religious teacher. He didn't say anything about Athena's name. Shook's cousin didn't say anything about her name. This aunt who has just started taking classes in the near past (compared to my mom who has been attending talks and seminars on religion since before she went on the Hajj more than 10 years ago!) suddenly decides she knows what is best and won't even allow me the chance to check or get a second opinion. I really would have checked if she hadn't gone on and on about how my newborn daughter will end up in Hell because of her name and because Allah does not acknowledge her.
All this from the same aunt who tried to tell me my mother is a bad mother and wife, who badnames my mother in front of me and who acts as if she is my father's wife when we do meet her and her children for meals. The same aunt who is talking about my mother behind her back to their other relatives. Despite my initial inclination to hate her, I have tried giving her and her children the benefit of the doubt and all the fairness I can muster.
This is what I meant by religion being twisted by people who are ill-advised or having very little knowledge but already acting like they know everything. There is nothing wrong with the religion. What I do know is that Allah judges us based on our deeds, our thoughts and our heart. He doesn't judge us based on our names.
I hope He forgives her for her transgressions because at this point in time, I cannot. And even if I ever do forgive, I will never forget how she has hurt me. And if she ever comes back to Kuching (which is too lowly for her and she has to ask my parents to pay for her passage when she does come back) I will not acknowledge her and neither will I let Athena near her. After all, why should we sinners ever think we could go near such exalted, godly beings like her?
7:48 pm |
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