I got tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I still feel the depression waiting at the fringes of my mind, as if it's waiting to pounce on me the moment I let my guard down.

But I got tired of giving in to it. I'm really quite annoyed with myself right now. I'm annoyed that I let my emotions take over, that I let my hormones take such control of me. I know I can overcome this and, bloody hell, I will!

So, despite waking up with a bad headache this morning, I went to work and worked all through the day non-stop. I didn't even take a break during the break and lunch times. At break time, I worked on a handbook at my computer (same handbook I've been working on during all of my free time at school) and during lunch, I did my yard duty and went to help my students raise money by having a car wash. So I washed cars today. Helped a lot with the angst and depression. Then after school, I went to a staff meeting during which, quite honestly, nothing much made sense to me because I was so dazed.

I decided not to stop even when I got home. My mind is still going and my body is still on the move. As soon as I'm done with this post, I'm going to grab a steak from the kitchen, enjoy it then run out to go bother Shook. I'm at the point where I refuse to think of why I'm feeling so pessimistic about myself and where I'm headed. If I start to think about it, I'll go into a manic depression, I believe. I might end up actually hurting someone. The last time I felt so strongly about this, I had to call Art to stop me from running my car off the bridge. Before that, I was in Michigan and I picked up my housemate by his throat and threw him out of the house because he pissed me off. I think I remember our other housemates yelling at me to put him down because he was turning purple. I know he had a bruised neck for a week and some of our friends felt I did the right thing. Yep, they all hated him.

I've had no social contact for three days now. I'm either at work where I don't socialise anyway because it's just a waste of time, or at home where I'm always in my room. Sometimes, my sisters' voices irritate me so I watch a movie or a downloaded show instead.

I think isolating myself works. I stop thinking of whys and what-ifs. I refuse to think of friendships and relationships. I just stick to my own little world for awhile just to get my balance back.

If you're wondering whether I've tried talking to anyone, my next question is who? I'm one of those people who can't share what she actually feels. What I show, what I say to others, is seldon what I really, really feel. My hatreds scare even me so I don't share them with anyone. Same about my angers. Even my joys I don't share because sometimes people are too wrapped up in themselves to listen to me. So I don't tell.

Oh...on a different note, Macavity was sent to the groomers yesterday. We followed the groomer's advice and sent him early in the afternoon as requested because the groomer was not so sure how he'll behave. Turns out, he was fine and came home with shorter nails and hair and a nice smell. He 's also got a collar now which he seems happy with. My parents said he looks much happier now because we're all over him. Brat!

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting now and going to grab that steak.

Oh, I finally drew something. Actually, I drew it and then coloured it in oil pastels. I took a photo but I'm too lazy to put it up. And I've got the strong urge to write a story or a poem even. Damn! It's the depression talking. I only write poems when I'm really depressed. Damn!

Going to hope that Shook can cheer me up now.