Still Being Random

I admit to being a wee bit bitchy over the weekend. Hey, cut me some slack. If you have a 6 month-old baby who gets feverish when she's angry or at intervals during the day or night and she is starting to pick and choose who she likes or does not like based on how often she sees the people around her or if you've had a total of maybe 8 hours sleep within 60 hours, maybe you'd be bitchy too. Not to mention lack of sleep causes me to bloat, which some people have described as fat! Shows how much they don't know me. And not to mention how some people have decided that I lack energy and stamina. You try being on your feet all day while handling teenagers and colleagues as well as planning at least one month ahead and then going home to a baby who just can't understand yet why her mother disappears all day and leaves her at home. Trust me, I have the energy. I just wish people would stop thinking I do nothing but sit at my desk all day.

Anyway, I digress.

Have any of you seen those stickers on cars that say "Looking for your cat? Try under my tyres." or something to that effect. Yesterday, I was all bitchy so my reply was "Looking for your wife/girlfriend? Try your best friend's bed!"

And then there was one idiot who was trying to sell health thingies to my dad. He was an idiot because he started making comments to my dad when he saw my dad ordering one small bowl of laksa and one bowl of noodles. Then he started commenting on how we girls could use his products. I didn't hear what he said. If I had heard, I would have told him to "Please, please service your sour-faced wife because she looks like Satan just twisted her face before you talk about my father and his family." I would also have told him "If your product is making your wife look like the airport runway and your child look like a walking dead, then no thank you. I'd rather be smiling, happy and alive." I would have also told him "I've tried your product. It gives me gas and it is essentially a water diet. No nutrients at all. No wonder you have what looks like an undead family. As for yourself, she must have married you before she realised you were poor because you ain't nothing in the looks or behaviour department."

But my dad's comment was the best. "Come back and tell me what to do only after you've got a Mercedes like mine and 4 other cars as well."

Yes, I had a catty weekend. And I don't think it's over yet.

My reaction to people usually depends either on my first impression or after careful evaluation within a set period of time. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it?

Do you ever notice that the most amusing tales of people usually already gives you an idea of what they really are? I mean, stupid people do stupid things. Careful people do things slowly and with much thought. Selfish people can't get beyond themselves. Happy people do things that ensures the most joy to themselves. Smart people do things that fall within the realms of logic.

I am not prone to jealousy. In fact, I have learnt years ago to keep that part of me reined in tightly. So, a lot of times, people see me not caring rather than reacting in a jealous rage. But once I do get into a rage, it's hardly ever mindless and attention seeking. I plan my payback. Just as I wait and see how most people act before I decide on their character. Most of the time I can be this civilised.

Not many things make me react in a jealous fit nowadays. My only triggers are very Shook-oriented. I've been angry with Yodie for not leaving us alone. This was so bad once that I refused to buy her food and I kept telling her that she was nothing more than a cat so don't keep getting human aspirations. But now, she' s paying me back cat-style by ignoring me and refusing anything I offer since she was told I'm pregnant.

Recently, I got very jealous about Shook spending a lot of time with a female instructor at the Academy. It might be nothing but I've cried buckets twice over it. He assures me there's nothing on between them and I am trying very hard to believe him. It's not him but I've been used by too many people to completely trust anyone anymore. But I do trust him more than anyone else as well. But if he keeps being too nice to her, she's the one I'm worried about. No, not in the 'I care' kind of worried. It's in the 'I'm really in too good a mood to destroy right now but I will if you touch him' kind of worried.

He thinks of her as a sister. Well, like his sisters, she makes him do things for her when she's PMS-ing. Which I think is a stupid excuse. I get PMS too. You don't see me behaving all fragile and weak. Pah! That sort of behaviour belongs in ye olde England. Then why weren't you married at 15 and pregnant by 16 if you're so weak?! And I'd like to see how that sort of thinking works with her boss if she ever needs to fly when she's PMS-ing. My fat ass!

Women can assert their strengths in many ways. We don't have to be agressive or demanding. In fact, lots of women get their way better when they're soft and sweet than all 'I am woman! Hear me roar!' The guy who takes that always is either a Mama's boy or a weakling. Either way, you sure you want him to be the father of your children? They'll walk all over their father and most likely, eat him out of house and home and then dump him in an old folks' home when they grow up.

On the other hand, getting all weak and helpless because of a fact of life (even if it does come once a month) is just stupid. Not to mention a lot of people forget that PMS means pre and not during or post. And the fact that all men now make fun of women PMS-ing because of all the noise women make about it? Someone explain to me how this is a good thing again?

And how old are we anyway? I suffered severe menstrual cramps and PMS moodiness when I was a teenager. The cramps are on and off even now, depending on my level of stress and irregular cycles. My moodiness I just took it by the hand and stamped it out. I decided one day that I was sick and tired and bored of my mood swings and childishness and put an end to it. And it hasn't bothered me since.

But my jealousy? It still lurks somewhere in the corners of my mind. It reared its fugly head a few days ago which almost ruined Shook's holiday. It would have if we let it. But he didn't allow it and I figured he was being so considerate to drive all the way home to be with me so the least I could do was be nice. Even if I was ready to destroy.

Notice how I don't use the word 'kill'? You see, I don't kill. I destroy. There is a difference. Destroy means nobody anywhere will ever want the person again whether it be personally or professionally. Kill means it's over too soon.

I only do this for people I genuinely care for. Right now, it's my parents and Shook and then my sisters. Anyone else will still need to prove themselves to me. If they expect me to think about them first then they might want to think about me once in a while. I do have feelings, even if I seldom air it. Then again, I only air my grievances to people I know will care enough to listen. Like Gette.

As young as my sisters are, the moment I told them a girl might be making a move on Shook, they swore instant revenge. And that's only a 'might'. Now these are the kind of sisters worth being nice to. Even Shook found it flattering and amusing when I told him. And he thought only friends did things like this. Hah! Not in my house, buddy. We live together so we fight together.

And as much I suspect that these feelings come from my hormones, I know myself too well. This is just a way out for my jealousy. Maybe I've been hanging on to it too tightly. It needs an outlet.

But, honestly, won't you be jealous if you thought someone was trying to come on to your husband? Even if it may not be true. Your thoughts are enough to get you going. Luckily, I have an understanding husband. He says he's hot, other girls think he's hot. But I really don't believe other girls can deal with his temper and crankiness. Especially when he's all out angry and annoyed and frustrated and cranky. I'd like to see them try!

And besides, just to boost myself, I'm prettier and smarter. And if he can turn his back on the mother of his child right now, damn, I must have been seriously blind while we were dating! And I pride myself in being very aware, sometimes even more so than the person themselves know.

For some unknown reason, I decided to update my blogroll. I took some sites out because they are hardly ever updated. I updated, renamed and "relocated" some others. I've decided to just name the sites according to their owners' names because at the rate my memory is going, I forgot half of the websites I had on the roll.

I'm supposed to do work but I get a wee bit nauseous looking down too long. So typing and writing could only be done in short intervals.

Other than that, I'm wondering why I am unable to feel very much. Two students from school got involved in a very horrible car accident. One died and the other is in a stable condition at the hospital despite rumours saying that he died. Hello people! If you're so obsessed with death, why don't you go kill yourself?! The teachers are all upset. I feel nothing. I even got cynical and thought the speech given by the Head of the Board of Directors was a little overboard and gave him a quizzical look before I remembered I was supposed to be in despair. I mean, who would mention a 9-year-old kid's legacy? He was not old enough or aware enough to leave a legacy behind. I illogically thought at one point that I should make myself cry since all the other teachers were either crying or looked like they were about to cry. Then I thought 'huh? why?'. One teacher said she was traumatised by the whole thing and that explained why she was giving everyone detention. My reaction was 'wtf? you nuts?'. Oh yeah, so traumatised that she didn't bother taking off her shoes when going into the hall where everyone was praying for the kids and their mother.

I get irrational mood swings but they last only 5 minutes at most. I get a lot of illogical thoughts running through my mind.

My sense of smell is more acute now. This is not a good thing when you're hanging around teenagers all day.

Nausea hits me when I haven't got enough sleep. But I've discovered that mandarin oranges cures that.

And I am so so so very, very happy that the holiday starts this Friday. I can sleep longer. But on the bad side, I have no money to go see Shook and I'm not going anywhere for the holidays. However, Shook might be coming home a few weeks after. Yay!!

And I want to watch The Unit season 3!!

Someone said that stress is a thinking man's disease. So, if you're hardly ever stressed, does that mean you hardly do any thinking? Just wondering.

And I've been so stressed that I've been sick almost every single month this year. I got a very high fever on Saturday while at Wil's place. But we still manage to have the barbecue and all. I just passed out in front of the TV after that. My fever was on and off and got into a full-blown high fever during the night. My Sunday was in a daze because I drugged myself just to keep the fever away.

And I realised that I want to hide my head somewhere just so I don't have to listen to people nagging me about my wedding. It doesn't help that I have to do what is expected and not what I want. But considering that a big wedding was not what I wanted in the first place, I guess what I want no longer matters. I wish more people would understand this. And everyone I try to talk about this to either don't care or think I'm bragging. I can see their eyes glaze over and I'm not bragging. I don't want a big wedding much less two wedding receptions. I don't like all the work that goes into it since it's for other people's benefit rather than my own. And although I never wanted this wedding, I'm the one expected to work on it in addition to all the year-end chaos at work and the Raya coming up. So much is expected of me and all I'm asking for is a sympathietic ear. But nobody wants to lend one. So if anyone wonders why i'm getting distant, this is it. It's because I stopped caring. You all want a robot, well, you got one.

I don't understand why people are so in a hurry to get married. Is it because their friends are married? Is it because they think it's so cool to be married? Honey, it's not as easy as it looks. Having a relationship is not easy. It's a lot of compromise and sacrifice. If you're not prepared to do either, I would recommend you don't even think about being in a relationship, much less being married. If you're going to cry everytime he doesn't jump at your command or scream at him everytime he says no, then you do not deserve to be with anyone. And I know most guys will find it easier to walk away when the girl does stupid things like cry and yell and scream when they don't get what they want.

For the record, I'm getting married because it's the right time for me and Shook. He doesn't mind it and neither do I. And I believe this marriage thing with the preparations and all have helped us understand each other a little more. But if left to the two of us, all our wedding will consist of is a trip to the tok kadi to marry us off and after that a lunch or dinner with a very small group of friends and close family. That's it. That has always been my plan. But now that plan has gone out the window and flown to the remote regions of Africa!

And who is the one in pain? Me. Damnit! It's about time I did a me, me, me thing. Usually even when I'm complaining I end up listening to other people's tale of woe.

I did a short test the other day on a psych website and I might have adult ADD and am bipolar. Now I'm almost tempted to go see someone at Normah but I won't. Because I'm not a problem to anyone but myself. So I'll wait.

For now, I'm just going to rant and feel sorry for myself. I'm allowed that much, at least.

First I was getting impatient with Blogger for not letting me log in through my site. Then just as I was about to give up and concentrate on Supernatural, the window suddenly pops up to show me that I'm in my Blogger dashboard.

Which is the exact same moment, the rain fell and my modem started blinking.

Sometimes, I just want to give up and say 'You win!'.

...But I will be back because I'm stubborn that way.

One way or another, I will blog today.

Have you seen the new Fantastic Four movie trailer yet? The Silver Surfer looks so cool! I've always been fascinated by him but I was also always distracted by Superman and Wonder Woman.

I wanted to upload some pictures of Yodie but I suddenly remembered that I need to resize them first. Maybe I'll do that later in the day.

Oh, did anyone catch the news the other night about this family of thieves and robbers? I find this very interesting. It piques my interest not because it's crime-related but because it has all the makings of a fascinating movie. It's like the Malaysian version of the Kelly gang or the James brothers. What is actually sad is that everyone is so busy writing the great Malaysian novel (as opposed to the great American novel) or making the great Malaysian sopa opera that they don't notice bits of news like this. Don't even mention D.Y. to me because I still believe he is a racist and that his movies are not worth any acclaim. He's like the Ed Woods of Malaysia...only worst. I can't even begin to tell how much I dislike him.

There was a list of movies I wanted to write here that I am so looking forward to this year. There's the Transformers movie, Shrek 3, The Dark Knight and a few more. I'll put up links when I find the links again.

It's late and parents are home. This means breakfast in the morning. So I'm off to bed.

Oh, Shook was grumpy because he's sick. The poor baby!

Other than being on an emotional rollercoaster this week, I've been driven nuts by the internet. I can access the webpages but some of them come out all weird. And I don't think they're even considered heavy graphics page. Pages like the blogger sign-in page and the scrape torrent page.

Oh, anyway. I went to my ex-boss's other house last night. It's the same house my co-ordinator is living in. He's either renting it from her or just living there, I'm not sure. However, he just got back from Australia and the one thing I like about going there for anything is that I get lots of alcohol. Haha! He brings back the liqueur I like and he had new stock of Absolute vodka and brandy (can't remember which brand. Could be Jack Daniels). So I never got the same drink twice last night. As soon as I got there, I was handed a lychee mix drink. As soon as I was done, which wasn't too long later, I got a pina colada. Then it was a margarita. Then I got a brandy coke mix. At this point, we were laughing and joking around. Occasionally, we talked about the students and our first three days back at work. Most of the time, we just picked on each other. Suffice to say that when I drove home at midnight, I was more tipsy that my two colleagues. I had to send them home so I was driving very carefully.

I fell asleep as soon as I got home because I had to wake up at 6 today to send my parents to the airport. Yeah, they go up and down planes the way some people use the bus! After that, I came back to sleep again.

Somewhere in there, I dreamt that Shook was angry with me. I have no idea why. So when I called him and he sounded pissy, guess who got too scared to push? Also, I don't know why he's pissy. I suppose I should know since I am supposed to be psychic and all.

Oh, do you know that there is a stall at Majang Jaya that sells doughnuts made out of char koi dough? It's pretty good because it's covered in castor sugar and powdered milk mix. Well, either it was really very good or I was hungrier than I thought when my sisters bought it for me. I think I'll consider getting more before going to see Shook later. Might as well face him rather than sit here and worry about it!

Anyway, I had a good end to an extremely tiring week. I've paid my sleep debt. And I still have no car!! I can borrow my sister's but it's not my car!! Sun, shine brighter and longer, please!

I think sometimes people have this inability to say 'thank you' or to even think beyond themselves alone. I understand when people can't say 'please' or ask for help. I've had my proud moments when I've refused to ask for help even when I'm struggling. Come to think of it, if I get insulted everytime I ask for help, I suppose it explains why I don't ask for help.

Anyway, getting back to the original topic. I don't understand what's so difficult about saying 'thank you' or thinking about what someone else wants rather than what only you want. It's like buying someone a present. You'd like to buy them something they might want rather than just for the sake of it. I enjoy buying my friends little things. Usually, when I see those things and I think of them, I buy them the things. But if they're going to complain about being bought things they don't want or things that mean nothing to them, I suppose it's logical for me to be very reluctant to buy them anything anymore. It's especially worst when I ask them whether they'll like it and the reply I get is 'It's just a thing. Who cares what it looks like.'

Well, the thing is I care. I like buying things for people I care for. But if they don't care enough then it makes me wonder 'Why bother?'

I'm one of those people who was brought up to be optimistic. To do good things so that good things will come to me. I still practise this. So far, nothing very bad has happened to me. I believe this is because I don't wish ill on anyone. Even when people eat my food despite me telling them it's my only meal of the day and they finish the food, I keep quiet. If they want to be thoughtless, it's their problem. I'll just go find more food. I can afford it.

The thing is when Eric used to talk about karma, I was the only one who agreed with him. I can because it's happened to me and to my family so many times. We never want for anything in my house because my father believes in sharing. Even when I got fired from my last school I was happy because I've been trying to figure out how to tell my last school's principal I was leaving because I got a better job offer. Besides, she was a terrible boss and I was happy to leave anyway. I just needed a way to leave while still being able to keep my three months' pay. But, I got fired so I managed to keep the money and still got a job the following month.

And people are forever sending us food because my father is forever giving other people food. He helps them sometimes too much.

The thing is I don't like being made to feel like a fool or a dumbass when I know I'm not. I like being nice and I like being kind. But not when I'm taken advantage of. I will share the food if they will share the cost. If you ask me for something, I'd not likely say no. But please, return the favour or try to consider my feelings for it. Don't make me feel bad for being nice.

I also know that I am fairly intelligent. I just don't like to brag because I know people who brag or show-off will one day find themselves with their feet in their mouths. I listen because I like to learn. I ask when I don't know. If I know I wouldn't ask. I say something when I have something to say. I try not to repeat myself because I don't want to bore myself by hearing my own voice all the time. I enjoy laughing with friends who don't take themselves too seriously or think only they are right.

I have a job I enjoy. (I know someone who changed jobs so many times that I'm not sure if any company wants to employ her anymore. Sad end for a lawyer.)

I love my family. (Some of them annoy me but I can't pick my relatives. I can hate them but I can't disown them.)

I love spending time with my parents. Unlike a lot of people I know, I actually love being with my parents. They support me and they are the stability I need in my life. They taught me how to make right decisions and to stand by my decisions and to learn from my mistakes.

I love who I am. I have a job. I have two arms, two legs, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, two ears, a brain and I'm better off than others who don't have those same things. My car really is mine. It has my name on it. I have debts I'm slowly paying off. I don't give crappy advice. I listen and analyse before I do give advice. I feel bad for my friends who have made the wrong decisions but I respect their need to stand by their decisions. I wish I could help them but I understand their need to not want help.

Despite all this, I don't understand why people are so mean to me and so thoughtless. I hope they know that they've hurt me yet I wonder why they do it anyway.

A careless word leaves a scar that is eternal. It makes people wary and shy. To some, this wariness shows stupidity. To me, it just holds true that once bitten does indeed make you twice shy.

I think some people are just better at shoving responsibility onto other people than they are at taking on responsibilities themselves. This is not uncommon, really. But it gets really frustrating when said person acts very holier-than-thou about it and just keeps dishing out ideas and seems to refuse to take on a more active role in implementing the ideas.

Sad, really. You can only pity them for their lack of self-confidence or esteem.

On another note, I have so many photos that I've been meaning to post. I just need to resize some of them and do a few touch-ups. I'll do that later today.

This has got to be my weirdest holiday yet. It is a holiday but I can't seem to stop myself from running around. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that no matter how late I go to bed, I still wake up at 6.30 a.m. The only difference from normal days is that, instead of running around like a mad chicken, I get to lie in bed and read.

But all this will end in 2 weeks time. *sigh* Some holiday...