Someone said that stress is a thinking man's disease. So, if you're hardly ever stressed, does that mean you hardly do any thinking? Just wondering.

And I've been so stressed that I've been sick almost every single month this year. I got a very high fever on Saturday while at Wil's place. But we still manage to have the barbecue and all. I just passed out in front of the TV after that. My fever was on and off and got into a full-blown high fever during the night. My Sunday was in a daze because I drugged myself just to keep the fever away.

And I realised that I want to hide my head somewhere just so I don't have to listen to people nagging me about my wedding. It doesn't help that I have to do what is expected and not what I want. But considering that a big wedding was not what I wanted in the first place, I guess what I want no longer matters. I wish more people would understand this. And everyone I try to talk about this to either don't care or think I'm bragging. I can see their eyes glaze over and I'm not bragging. I don't want a big wedding much less two wedding receptions. I don't like all the work that goes into it since it's for other people's benefit rather than my own. And although I never wanted this wedding, I'm the one expected to work on it in addition to all the year-end chaos at work and the Raya coming up. So much is expected of me and all I'm asking for is a sympathietic ear. But nobody wants to lend one. So if anyone wonders why i'm getting distant, this is it. It's because I stopped caring. You all want a robot, well, you got one.

I don't understand why people are so in a hurry to get married. Is it because their friends are married? Is it because they think it's so cool to be married? Honey, it's not as easy as it looks. Having a relationship is not easy. It's a lot of compromise and sacrifice. If you're not prepared to do either, I would recommend you don't even think about being in a relationship, much less being married. If you're going to cry everytime he doesn't jump at your command or scream at him everytime he says no, then you do not deserve to be with anyone. And I know most guys will find it easier to walk away when the girl does stupid things like cry and yell and scream when they don't get what they want.

For the record, I'm getting married because it's the right time for me and Shook. He doesn't mind it and neither do I. And I believe this marriage thing with the preparations and all have helped us understand each other a little more. But if left to the two of us, all our wedding will consist of is a trip to the tok kadi to marry us off and after that a lunch or dinner with a very small group of friends and close family. That's it. That has always been my plan. But now that plan has gone out the window and flown to the remote regions of Africa!

And who is the one in pain? Me. Damnit! It's about time I did a me, me, me thing. Usually even when I'm complaining I end up listening to other people's tale of woe.

I did a short test the other day on a psych website and I might have adult ADD and am bipolar. Now I'm almost tempted to go see someone at Normah but I won't. Because I'm not a problem to anyone but myself. So I'll wait.

For now, I'm just going to rant and feel sorry for myself. I'm allowed that much, at least.