I am in one of my picky moods. I want to eat but I don't feel like eating the food provided. I want to go out but I don't feel like going out to certain places. I want to meet friends but I can't decide which friends I want to spend time with. Worst of all, when friends don't call me to go out, I feel like going out. When I am out, I only want to go home.

It's a very annoying, frustrating moment. Nothing I do could make it any different.

The only time when I feel closest to being at peace with myself, is when I'm on the phone with Shook.

Something happened to me in Miri that scared even me. My mom called nagging me about the wedding preparations. When I told her that no matter what I do, it would still be pointless since I was in Miri, she replied with a very snarky 'I'm not the one getting married. And if you cannot get married on that day, it's not my problem.'

I felt like telling her that it was never my idea to get married. They took the choice out of my hands and ran with it. So why pick on me? At that moment, the first thought was one of absolute defeat. I had the thought that if I killed myself at that very moment, Shook would be free to find someone prettier, slimmer, smarter, my parents would only have 2 daughters to think about, there wouldn't be a wedding to get worked up over and I won't be alive to feel used and criticised and hated. Also, I won't be the shmuck who does everyone's dirty job while they rant about how ineffective what I had the guts to do was.

So, for half an hour, it felt like a win-win situation. But I would like to believe that Shook knew how I felt and kept trying to talk me out of the feeling. At one point, I know I zoned out and just functioned automatically. We were walking along the road in Miri and I was aimlessly walking towards the road. Until Shook pointed a car he said was a 'landak' (porcupine) with all the flags on the roof. That snapped me out of it and I had to laugh.

But it worries me that these mood swings happen every month now. And every month, I dictate a suicide note in my head and plan my own death. And through it all, I feel very much alone. So alone that I refuse to think about what Bernard always says because I can feel what he's saying.

I found this quotation : “Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” by Paul Tillich