Still Being Random

Have you ever wondered why some people are able to take a comment and turn it into an argument? And then they get pissed off when you point out that you were merely stating a fact and not starting said argument. I've done the former but I've always managed to avoid the latter. Probably because with some people, especially those I regard as friends, I just prefer not to start an argument. It wastes my energy and breath and I'd just as soon not bother.

On the other hand, when you take the passive route and politely ask,"Really?", they gloat. Can't win in this world we live in.

Anyway, here are some pictures my sister took at Beauty and the Beast. I had to adjust some of it because it was very shaky.

Human Again scene

We liked this photo because Lumiere's flame was finally caught

I adjusted the size of the photos because I didn't want it to interfere with my blog's width. But you get the idea.

I went to KL last weekend just to watch Beauty and the Beast:the Broadway musical.

As far as musical goes, this one was good. I've watched more serious ones like Cats, Grease, Phantom of the Opera, Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and even M. Butterfly. So, to compare them to Beauty and the Beast would be unfair.

Beauty and the Beast is geared for children although the children need to be very well-disciplined to watch even a musical based on a cartoon. The musical tried to be entertaining to the adults as well as the children but some adults and children just aren't ready to appreciate this sort of entertainment just yet.

The one thing anybody in theatre knows is that a performance is always susceptible to technical faults and breakdown. In fact, any thinking being would understand this and be tolerant.

However, for that performance I went to, some people (and I'm sorry to say they were in the cheaper seats than I was) began making a big issue out of the delay. Granted, it was an hour late but technical delays cannot be solved within a few seconds. It did not warrant yelling and shouting from the balcony for refunds. One guy even started yelling for the Beast. He probably thought he was being very clever but it only made him look very homosexual and silly. Most of the yells sounded like they came from young adults, most likely college students who could only afford the RM100-RM200 seats.

I'm not being snobbish or anything but what they did was really uncalled for. And I figured if they felt that strongly about the delay, they could have walked out, although walking out would have meant forfeiting the money they paid. Then again, if you feel that strongly about something, what's a little money in comparison?

These people were very rowdy and uncouth. Not only did they dress very casually, they didn't even have the manners or the tolerance for which we Malaysians are supposedly famous for. I was ashamed of them, really. And if they claimed to be educated, where or when was this education shown in their manner? In additon to their behaviour, they also took numerous photos using flash during most of the performance and they started whistling and cheering. Very uncalled for.

Overall, I found the musical pretty good. I wasn't hoping for very much anyway and it delivered even that.

My sister did manage to take some photos but only after she switched off the flash and the viewer lights. I'll see if I could post them up later today or tomorrow.

It was generally worth it despite the crowd and shallowness of it. (What do you expect from a Disney production? No epiphanies there) I was pleasantly surprised by the children. Either they actually sat down and shut up or the songs and my focus managed to drown them out.

However, I do need to mention what I called the dancing werewolves. I know they were supposed to be the wolves that attacked Belle's father and later Belle and the Beast. But it was funny watching them dancing on two legs covered in faux wolf fur. So I called them the dancing werewolves.

And it was good to watch real theatre after so long where people actually realise it's a stage production and adjust appropriately.

Would you like to know what frustrates the hell out of me? Well, I'll tell you.

Ever since I got pregnant, I've been getting lots and lots of advice. Lots! Numerous! Some sound so ridiculous that I have a hard time not laughing out loud at them. Others are reasonable enough that I can accept, but not necessarily adopt.

But the ones that get on my fricking nerves are the ones that tell me I should not be going out with friends, that I shouldn't still be active in my social activities, that I shouldn't be watching movies or going out at night. Even worst, that I shouldn't be playing video or pc games now because I'm going to be a mother.

Then what in bloody blazes am I supposed to do?! It's bad enough I cannot move as fast as I usually do. (Then again, I still move a hell of a lot faster than some people in town!!) The baby is starting to kick up a storm when he/she is awake so I get more aches and pains. But it doesn't mean staying at home makes it all the much easier to bear! And since when is motherhood so boring?! Some people sound like it should be.

Oh! Oh! I almost forgot the all-time clincher! I should be eating more now that I'm supposed to be eating for two! How on god's green earth am I supposed to eat more than I can when the baby won't accept gluttony?! Granted, I do have to think about the baby when I eat but I'm eating so healthy due to baby's preferences that I'm not worried. In fact, baby's gaining weight normally while I'm losing weight incredibly! So what if other people want to use being pregnant as an excuse to never stop eating? Doesn't mean I have to as well.

So explain to me why I MUST chug down at least 3 glasses of milk a day when I always end up throwing up half the one glass of milk I do drink? I can get my calcium and proteins from other sources, like cheese and fish. Both of which baby can accept!

People like this, as much as I appreciate their 'helpful' advice, just don't seem to understand that every pregnancy is different! The best advice I got is from Shook's friend who said to listen to my body and the baby. And bloody hell, I am going to keep doing that!!

I never realise how stupid some people get. Then there are the people who defensively say that every parent is different but then turn around and make general remarks about pregnancies. Oh geez! Please! For once in your little life, use the brain god gave you! If every parent is different, don't you think it is logical that every pregnancy would be different too?

Aaargh! Rant over. This has been simmering in me for awhile now. I don't stay annoyed very long because baby is so injecting me with happy-happy-joy-joy feelings. But once I explode, it is short and sweet and...explosive.

I believe I've become a fan of Idina Menzel.

I first recognised her voice in her single Brave. Then I realised she was in Rent, playing Maureen, and tonight I recognised her voice in Wicked, playing Elphaba. She acted in the movie version of Rent, reprising her role of Maureen. She also played Nancy in the movie Enchanted but she didn't sing.

I just really find her voice very recognisable and I enjoy how she sing,

My youngest sister was commenting today about how I write more lovey-dovey things about Shook now compared to before.

So my answer was simple. He never showed me what romance he was capable of before. When I asked him this a few days ago, he replied to the effect that there wasn't much point in making an effort in a relationship that might not come to much.

When I thought about it, I saw the wisdom in his words. I see many couples nowadays getting all gooey-eyed at each other, helping each other out, being so considerate and sometimes to a point of showing public displays of affection. (Sometimes the pda is too much but we won't go there!)

Then, later, these same couples get really distant and complacent with each other once they are married. If they work it out, they'll try to reclaim that gooey-ness they had earlier. If not, they stray and look elsewhere to recapture those feelings to being loved. Sometimes, the problems start before they even marry.

In my case, because of Shook's mentality and, to a certain degree, because of my own very strong sense of self-preservation, we never showed much affection in public. Sometimes, I openly chase him away to go out with the boys just so I can go do my own thing. Other times, I spend time with him, but we're not plastered to each other. A lot of times, we don't even mind not sitting next to each other.

Honestly, I'm almost the personification of once-bitten-twice-shy. I've had one bad attempt at a relationship and so I wasn't keen on jumping into another. Some people may say I lack the resilience. I just say I'm not a big fan of pain. Besides, I've heard too many people who have been through bad relationsips start to bad-mouth the person they broke up with or who broke up with them. I wasn't about to be one of those people. I got more careful to a point that I wasn't even looking anymore.

And, now that I can be honest, I think my standards were too high. I wanted someone I can talk to, who would not order me around or won't be intimidated by me and I needed someone with spine yet was aware enough to listen to my opinions. I had more criterias but they're too many to go into.

This being Malaysia, I knew I had a low chance of finding that.

Anyway, before I digress further, I talk a whole lot more about Shook because we feel secure with each other now. He feels especially more secure and enough to trust me with his true self. And his true self makes me grateful he's only showing it now because I could have easily fallen victim to taking him for granted if he had shown it earlier. Also, I might have felt it was too much to live up to if we were just still dating.

To be honest, while we were dating, I expected to break up with him almost every month. Which is why I was always so careful to be emotionally distant. Every month, I'd mark the end of the month with a smile to remind myself that we were still together. And every month, I'd work at making sure I got another smile at the end of the month. Rather sad, wasn't it?

When it comes to emotions and relationships, I'm very skittish. I just sound tough but I knew I could never take another bad one.

Despite it all, I was understanding as a single person. I knew when people needed to spend time with their other ones. I used to be young and very inconsiderate but I've learnt my lesson since.

I had a very good back-up plan while single. But it must have been a sign when Shook came along and I got instantly attracted and then Bali exploded that there was no way that plan would ever come to be.

I still laugh at the girl who was so sure Shook wanted her that she immediately told him she liked only Chinese men and never Malays. Never time, stupid, find out first before you open your mouth! But I'm not complaining.

Like Shook once told me, "Ever wondered where the good ones are? Well, now you know where one went."

And speaking of good ones, Borneo Post interviewed my father and Shook for Father's Day. I think it's coming out this Sunday. Go read the articles. Shook's answers definitely made me realise he is one to keep for good. And I'm so very glad I got the chance to find out.

Now, if only I can figure out to how to send one copy to KL.

I have a case of the mind and heart are willing but the body is not.

I really wanted to go out this evening and meet up with Shah and Rin and Ivan. But, as always during the first week of school, I am just too tired to go anywhere. All I want to do is sleep. And when I'm tired nowadays, I have a greater tendency to waddle.

It doesn't help that the past two days my baby has been restless everything I talk to men. It's as if I'm being reminded of a fact I can't possibly forget.

I think part of my fatigue arises from the fact that my body is working overtime for the baby and I have some trouble falling aslep at nights.

Yet, despite it all, I still try to met up with friends just so I don't feel so cut off. If Shook were around, I won't mind so much. But he's not, so I need to take my mind off missing him. That, and so I'd stop worrying so much about him.

*Sigh* I hope I feel better this weekend. I do so not like being so tired.

I think the live telecast of the Parliament sessions are good in many ways.

It shows us what our representatives are truly doing, whether they are for the Government or not.

It also shows us that not everything the Opposition bloggers write on their blogs are true. They say one thing but decide not to report everything. And yet they take the holier-than-thou road and say they speak more truths than the Government representatives.

It shows that while some MPs are heavily debating an issue they feel strongly about, the two biggest Opposition bloggers known are either missing or walking around socialising. They say they are the voices and they say that the Government does not listen to the voices of the people. yet why aren't they speaking up or even listening? If they feel that strongly, for God's sake, do the job you are so determined to make people believe you are doing!

I am not very pro-Government. But I do strongly believe in being fair.

So it galls me to listen or read these Opposition people saying that the Government is nasty, stupid and hides the truth when they themselves don't always tell the truth either.

I know politics can be brutal and full of lies but where is the sense of intergrity? Especially coming from people who have sworn to fight for those oppressed by the government.

It's just stupid. I used to believe these lies. But after watching the live telecasts and having attended Parliament then seeing what these Opposition MPs are really like, I now read their blogs with a whole lot more cynicism than when I read the newspapers.

When I first met Shook, the last thing I expected from him was to be a romantic. I mean, this was the guy who dissed weddings saying that everytime he gets invited to one, he'd either skip it or buy the newly-wed couple a guide book to divorce. And when I mention anything that is romantic, he'd say phht and change the subject. He also once told me he got freaked out when one of his ex-girlfriends asked who their children would look when they have any. He didn't strike me as a very romantic person or if there was even a speck of romance in him.

But the rest of him was intriguing so I stayed to find out more. But I gave him as good as he gave out. Because not once did I mention us getting married, not once did I mention I wanted to meet the rest of his family, I never mentioned having children (in fact, he mentioned it first!) and most of all, I was the most non-cuddly, non-gooey girlfriend SEEN.

However, since we've been married, it seems as if he's allowed himself to be more open. A friend said he's more secure and relaxed. Oh, we still fight but it's very rare nowadays. And we know when to take time out from each other when it does happen. Even if he is here and we get into an argument, if we have to meet up with friends, either one of us will make a mundane comment to ease the tension between us. I always make a point of never, ever showing his friends I am angry with him. Neither do I criticise him in front of them. It's just not done. I don't want his friends going away thinking he's now pussy-whipped. Neither do I allow my friends to think he's being harsh or mean to me. I tell them good things. As part of a couple, we have to maintain good images of each other. It gets more once we were married. That's how relationships and marriages work. Nobody knows if and when we fight. My parents don't even know and we live with them. My sisters don't know and they are my confidantes. The moment I walk out of our room, I act as if all is right with the world, even if I had been crying before this.

But to be fair to Shook, I haven't cried sad tears for awhile. I tend to cry happy tears because of things he's said and done. Once, he suddenly messaged me saying he loved me. This from a guy who doesn't know how to say it out. Another time, he suddenly messaged saying he missed me when I was expecting a smartass remark from him. His surprises keep me on my toes yet I never take him for granted.

Just last week, he did something totally unexpected again. He told me that he would only be coming home on the 30th, maybe earliest 28th if he can finagle it out of his academy. So on Tuesday, I told him I might not be able to meet him online for our usual chats because I had to send my mother and sisters to the airport. And then I was going to the supermarket to buy food for us for the week my family was not around. I messaged him early in the morning to remind him and he replied as usual.

Then before I went to the airport, I messaged him again. But he didn't reply. So I got a little worried. I knew he wasn't flying or in briefing so I wondered at the silence. My mom got worried too and told me to call Sonnie or Alam. I told her I'd wait until their lunch break then call. Then I messaged Shook at around 1 p.m. to ask what bread he preferred. He replied so I figured he was all right. And when I got online I saw Alam but no Shook. Again, I figured he had something to do or was not near his laptop.

In the afternoon, my mom asked about him again and I said I had heard from him. So she was appeased. Then I went out to buy bread. Something instinctive told me to go home despite the fact that I still wanted to go looking for russet potatoes. I'm a person who trusts her instincts a lot so I headed home. Just as I parked my car and closed the gate, who rolls up the driveway if not my beloved husband.

I was too happy to see him that I couldn't scold him for driving back alone. When I told my parents that he had come home early to surprise me, even they could not do more than a token mention about him driving home alone. But I was ecstatic to see him.

What he did was something I would never have expected. I know my dad did it once to my mom so she had her suspicions. But I thought I knew Shook well enough that I wasn't prepared for such a surprise. My sisters thought it was sweet. Even my voice instructor was gleeful. When I told my Toastmasters that night that I wanted to leave the AGM sooner than usual, they understood after hearing my story.

Like I told Shook, he is the only guy who makes me feel loved. Every guy I was ever interested in all assumed I was strong enough that I didn't need any reassurance or pretty gestures. But I think well-deserved gestures are good. It's what keeps a relationship going. Relationships aren't based on who is stronger or who wins. I believe it is based on how the couple work together, how they understand each other, how they communicate and relate. Best of all, I believe it is based on how much love and consideration the couples show for each other.

I'm no expert but I've seen enough selfish relationships that I can tell either one half of the couple is too weak to let go or the relationship will not last long. It doesn't mean I am luckier or better. It just means that I know a good thing when I see it and I know how to appreciate it.

Whenever Shook comes home, we always go visit the site where our new house is being built. When I first saw it go up, I thought the place was cosy and small. Now that they've cleared up most of the rubble, I have come to realise that our house is huge.

It looks relatively small from the outside but the kitchen and dining room takes on the entire back part of the house. Our master bedroom is the entire upper left wing of the house and the living room is right under our master bedroom. Every room is going to be air-conditioned and my dad wants us to go furniture shopping in KL as soon as the house is about to finish. My mom aims to make Ikea one very happy store after we walk out of it then. We also have two bedrooms upstairs for our children. One room downstairs is tentatively planned to be a game-TV room. The other small room is supposed to be a servant's quarters but I don't myself being comfortable with a maid in my house. But we'll see about this one.

The one thing I am looking forward to about our house is the area. There is so much space left over that we could easily build another small cottage behind the garage and another one in front of our house. So I told Shook we could add his own little workshop behind the garage and maybe a fountain or a pond in front. The rest of the back of the house will have to accommodate an outdoor barbecue pit.

Shook's friend Raymond has agreed to help us do landscaping because Shook told him I wanted a Balinese-style garden. He'll also help arrange for maintenance since I am the only person I know who can kill cacti. So plants and flowers are way out of my league.

Shook and I are also looking into security and I've long decided that our house has windows in all the strategic places, making it so easy to pick off intruders one by one from any window in the house. Perimeter plants will be specifically chosen to make any intruders very uncomfortable or in a lot of pain.

And once the house is completed and we've moved in, we'll have a makan selamat for family and relatives. But, after that, we're going to arrange a huge party for our friends only. Maybe the Christmas gathering this year could be at our house this time.

I find this whole process almost exciting. It's like playing The Sims 2 except I have no money cheat. The colours of the walls, the tiles, the furniture and general interior decor. Then again I was never one for big dreams and big possessions so I'm quite sure we can afford a lot of things that we want. I'm basically a person with simple tastes. It's just sad that everything just seems so expensive nowadays. Only a fool would want to try and aim for something outside their means in this day and age. But Shook would be working and earning enough for us by the time we think of adding more things to the house anyway.

Hmmm....maybe I should get Shah to go with me to our house and see what he says about decorating the place.

See? At times like this, one should treasure their friends since you never know when you need their help. I pity those who either have no friends or don't know how to treasure them.

And, on top of this, my dad is still holding us to his promise to send us on a honeymoon to Europe and Istanbul. All this even after an elaborate engagement and a huge wedding. I know I helped contribute about RM45,000 for my wedding. It was part of the money my dad gave me a few years ago. Weddings aren't cheap nowadays. If left to me and Shook, our marriage would have taken place at Majlis Islam and then a small lunch or dinner at Sarawak Club because that would be what we could afford on our own. Even with money I won't go near Merdeka Palace. One thing I know from experience is that Merdeka Palace cuts your throat. They are overly pricey but the food and service sucks like crap. And I know that if you need to ask them how much their prices are, chances are you cannot afford it. I know this because I've arranged corporate and school dinners there.

At the end of the day, weddings aren't about the setting. It's about the couple getting married. I know that as soon as Shook and I were married, I was more than willing to skip the whole reception and then the bersanding. I know it was too late by then but, all I wanted was to marry this guy. I didn't care about any silly dinner or reception or showing off. I didn't even care if the Governor or the Chief Minister was there. Although the Chief Minister, who had to attend another function that same night, later told his wife that he should have gone to our dinner instead.

I did remember asking Shook the evening before the reception if we could just elope then. I really just wanted to lie down and sleep and be with him. Not be at a dinner which I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy.

I know. I know. We have a whole lifetime of it. But like everything in life, we all try our hardest at the beginning of something then we tend to become complacent later.

And, oh, my dad bought us a new phone each. By us, I mean, my two sisters, myself and even Shook. And as usual, I got the simplest one because I don't need anything for more than messaging and calling. I have an iPod, a camera and a PDA. Why would I need a phone that has all those functions as well? Such a waste of money then.

And I'm the daughter of parents who can afford things. Sometimes even I don't ask for things if it's too expensive. See how I think? Sometimes I wonder why people who cannot afford things want to have such big, expensive dreams. It seems so white trash Malaysian style. If you can't afford, you can't afford. Live within your means. I'm not going to apologise for having parents who can buy me things but I will feel sorry for parents who cannot afford but have white trash children who want to show off as if they can. Get real!

Before I digress further, our house is in what my dad calls an exclusive area. In fact, ours is the smallest house there. It'll definitely have the poorest residents. Everyone else is a VIP or rich.

But I love that house. It's enough to make me consider quitting my job, taking up my writing again and opening a small family business. Then I can also stay home and be a wife and mother.

Hey, this is my reality. And I like it. Like I've always said, I aim never to do anything I might regret later. With Shook by my side, I know I'll make the right decisions since he never lets me decide on anything which he thinks I might regret later either.

The cadets at Shook's academy were introduced or re-introduced to Top Gun some months back. By Shook, of course.

Regardless of the fact that this is the movie that got me all gooey over pilots and even more buttery over Tomcats. F-14s I think they are. I know. I'm lousy with technicalities but I know I love those jets and that's all there is to it.

Now, the closest I've been to being the Kelly McGillis character is to be a teacher myself. I once contemplated getting a pilot's license but, let's face it. I lack the tenacity and drive Shook has. I'll get bored and distracted and probably bail out halfway.

When I met Shook, he was a share analyst. I thought that was probably one of the most boring jobs ever but I was attracted to the man not his job. When I found out he wanted to take a pilot's license, I was impressed. I didn't figure he wanted to make a career out of it. 8 years later and look at where we are now.

Anyway, back to his cadets.They look up to him even while they are wary of him. I have seen them. They keep a respectful distance and Shook could give them a monosyllabic reply to any of their questions and they scatter. It's funny yet weird to see.

Before I digress further, his cadets have watched Top Gun, I think, more than 3 times. I said I think because 3 times is what Shook notices. They probably have watched it more than that many times. Now some of them fantasise being Top Gunners when they're flying.

The thing that occured to me today is that all it needs is one of them to try and find a female instructor and try to complete the whole fantasy. He would be Maverick then. If I were teaching there and single, I'd be wary.

The fact that I have a low regard for the instructors is beside the point right now. Some of them have no professional ethics at all. Heck, they have Shook doing some of their work for them! Which educators creed did they pick that up from?!

But the instructors are a whole different story. I wish I could go in and lecture them a bit about ethics and professional decency. But my post is about the cadets, not the instructors. If it were about the instructors, you can be sure it'd be a rant. So I won't go into it.

Not yet.

I need more books to read! I just finished Lorenzo Carcaterra's Chasers and am about to start on Dean Koontz's Frankenstein book 2. I still have Eric Haney's Inside the Delta Force but it's not actually light reading.

I had also planned to type out all my own stories so there would be less risk of losing them. Right now, they're in hard copy, handwritten. But when I look at the piles of notebooks I wrote them in, I just felt too lazy to do it. Maybe once I get bored enough with the holidays, I will. I read some of them a few nights ago and I'm glad to say I didn't cringe. One was a fantasy and the other a crime faction. I have a horror thriller one somewhere which I wrote when I was in Secondary school but I can't find that one anywhere. I need to look harder. Then there's my folklore story which I started but never got round to continuing. My work drains all my creativity so holidays are the only times I surface long enough to wonder where my ideas went.

I also planned to take up my archery again. I went to the archery academy here and asked for prices of the arrows. After talking to the owner for awhile, I realised I'm still a huge fan of the traditional bows. I don't like those modern ones which come with a sight. I like to improve my skills which include being able to sight my own target myself. So I'm thinkng about it.

And this is also the beginning of the holidays! Two more weeks to go. Oh help me!

I woke up automatically this morning and wondered if Shook was okay.

Then I read Chasers by Lorenzo Carcaterra for a while. After three shooting scenes and two cold-blooded murders, I decided.

I decided that some questions in the Universe are just not meant to be answered by us mortals. And I have better things to do with my life.

So with that, I am truly, really going to let it go and move on. If that girl wants to remain in her self-imposed martyr world, let her.

She wants to remain seen as immatured and irresponsible, let her.

I gave Shook a few tips for her even on how to handle cocky, difficult, teenage/young adult students but she's lost that now. So let her.

She wants to feel justified with her own actions regardless of how other people in the situation felt, let her.

People always like to justify their actions with their own reasoning because it makes them feel better. If it helps her sleep at night, then let her. I sleep very well as it is. No guilt on my conscience.

I tried to be a friend though my husband. She spurned it. Let her be. She lost a good friend. And she lost me. I could have been a great help. I understand kids the age group those cadets are in better than anyone I know.

I wish her well. I hope she gets the relief she craves. I hope God helps her at all times.

Because, at the rate she's going, she might not have many good friends who will.

To understand my annoyance, you need to know the background. So, after reading this, you tell me if I'm justified or if someone is lying to me.

A few months ago, Shook called me talking constantly about this female instructor he met. So, despite my own misgivings I asked about her, why she's there. The normal things. He told me and after I told him my fears, he assured me that he thinks of her as nothing more than a little sister, who, in his own words, 'is actually little'. So I was fine.

Then on one occasion, I spoke to her on the phone. I really was being civil and nice. I mean, I would have said more than a few words if she actually allowed me to get a word in. She chattered to a point that I was pretty sure she would not notice even if I was no longer on the line. In fact, at one point, I was talking to my father and I could still hear her voice through the phone, talking. She didn't stop to even check if I was still there.

Then, on another another night, Shook, in his usual teasing way, told me he was out on a date with her. I was jealous, yes. But I called and he spoke to me. While he talked to me, she kept talking in the background and I could hear her. I mean, at this point, the impression I got of this girl was exactly what she showed. She was happy for his attention and acted like it was a chore for her to share it.

Now, as a wife, I was worried. I wasn't worried about me. But I was worried about Shook. I knew people would soon talk. Although he wouldn't care, I knew it would hurt me. I also knew that the other cadets respected him too much to ask him to his face. But, at the same time, I realised it was no better that they speculated behind his back.

So I tried to warn him. True to form, he ignored me. Then when he came home, I talked to him again. At this point, I had already planned that he cannot have me and her at the same time. If he wanted her as more than a friend, I would divorce him. But he assured me again that he didn't think of her in that way.

But, how was I supposed to feel reassured when she messaged him while he was home? For nothing more than notes but...do you get my point? No courtesy question like 'how's your wife? How's home?'. Nothing. Just a nice friendly sms as if to remind him she's there.

So I got suspicious, much to Shook's annoyance. So when I went to Bintulu, I planned to ask her how she felt about my husband. Unfortunately, the chance never arose. But we did go out for dinner together and I did ask him to ask her along since she always goes out with him and Alam for dinner.

I was neutral throughout dinner. I take questions like 'How did you manage to come out here today? Don't you work on Saturdays?' as normal because not many people quite understand how private schools operate. Throughout dinner, I was watching the dynamics between these three people. Not that I could contribute anything since all the conversation was controlled by her and the topic was only about people they knew. And before I could ask anything, she had taken the conversation to a different topic already. And I'm not in the habit of poking into topics that aren't mine to be concerned about.

Then when we sent her and Alam back to the hostel, I was actually sincere when I told her it was nice meeting her. Really, it was. Through watching them, I realised Shook really felt nothing more than friendship for her. My only misgiving happened at one point when the owner of the shop we had dinner at commented that I was Shook's wife and joked that she was not. At this point, I watched her and she decided to look busy with her bag and her phone. I didn't want to pass judgement on whether she looked happy or not,

Like I said, I never judge people sight unseen or without watching them properly first.

The two days I was there, Shook could not fly due to weather and feeling unwell. So I was not able to get a closure to my own feelings about the two of them. I wasn't able to ask her what she felt for him. I mean, I didn't even mind if she admitted she was falling for him. I did so why would I be arrogant enough to think nobody else might. In fact, I was thinking of warning her that however he behaves, he usually means well and to warn her to be careful not to misunderstand. I may sound like I was trying to be the Goody Two Shoes but I was not willing for someone to get innocently hurt by my own husband's friendly nature.

Then, the last time I met her, she behaved as if I wasn't even there. Shook took me to the common room of his hostel where they were watching The Golden Compass. She joked with him, realised I was there and didn't even say hi. So I figured she didn't want to talk to me and kept quiet. She only made comments during the show usually directed at him anyway. So I just kept quiet and watched the movie.

The thing is, I am not keen on loud noises. It annoys me. So when at one point she yelled in what was already an echoing room, I just responded automatically. I don't know whether she was offended or whether she felt contrite.

But at the end of the whole thing, I wasn't sure how she felt about Shook. She may like him as more than a friend and I guess I can fairly admit that I only decided this based on the fact that she didn't acknowledge me very much. I spoke to her when she spoke to me. I smiled when she said something funny. I asked Shook when I wasn't sure. If she felt I was being bitchy or judgemental, my only question is 'How?'.

When I spend time with my friends who are married or attached, I always make the effort to talk to their wives or girlfriends or fiancees when we meet. Even when I meet the guys alone, I ask about their partners and how they felt about us meeting. I've openly apologised or thanked the partners when I've spent time with their husbands or boyfriends or fiances.

I guess I expect too much that people would show the same courtesy or common sense where I am concerned, but don't you think it's common sense? Why make a wife feel unwelcomed unless she is unwelcomed? And why would a girl not want a guy's wife around unless she wanted the guy for herself? Am I not justified in my misgivings?

As for the recent swearing and anger, it's not at her because she's there. It's at her because she treats Shook like dirt now. With no reason or anything, she treats him like he's not worth her time. He thought of her as a friend. He felt that there could be potential for a good friendship. We were looking forward to a venture with her working with us. Then she turns around and avoids him except to ask for notes or to sms him about a tribunal she was involved in.

How is a wife supposed to feel when she knows a girl won't even say hi as a friend to her husband but messages him to tell when she's going back to Bintulu and how her tribunal went? Any normal female would think there was something clandestine going on. Won't you?

My trust in Shook has been tested to its limits these few months. And as attestment to my trust in him, I was even trying to my best to find out why this girl was avoiding him because he really regretted the loss of that friendship. It hurt him that he could reach out to be her friend and she treated him like that.

So my anger at her is not for anything other than that she has hurt him as a friend. For a week, I worked hard to get Alam to talk to her. To explain that if it was me she was concerned about, then at least tell my husband.

I even played with the possibility that he might have flirted with her and scared her off or even that they might have kissed in moments of drunken-ness and both felt guilty.

What I cannot take is that she hurt him as only a friend can. And if I did resort to calling her names she will not like if she knew, then it's due to a helplessness that I cannot overcome. I worked years to get Shook to trust people again. And now this girl waltzes in and unravels it within a few months. How am I supposed to feel? Do I just let her walk away like that?

I cannot, in all conscience, let this go. Even if Shook is too fed-up to care and even if he has done what he calls 'burn his bridges', I cannot let someone who has hurt him get away with it. I want her to understand what damage she has done. I want her to realise that her actions affect a lot of people not just her. I want her to learn and grow up so that she knows how to behave and not behave in the future. She may consider herself matured but, until she knows how to treat people well, her so-called maturity will always be questioned.

I now wish she would read my blog. I want her to know how her selfishness has affected other people. I want her to realise how her self-absorbed behaviour almost had me researching on divorce proceedings. I want her to know that, although I don't hate her, she has made me come very close to it through her inability to be more human in her thoughts and her actions.

We may not be perfect which is why we need divine guidance once in a while. But, at least, some of us know how to treat people with respect by talking to them.

So, honestly, whatever her transgressions or even his, I would have forgiven if they were honest and contrite. I like to believe Shook is honest with me. After all, he tells me everything that involves her. But, if she happens to feel that what I have been told is different from what actually happened, I would appreciate her telling me instead of treating my husband the way she has.

When she hurt him, she hurt me. The fact that this never occurred to her just shows her immaturity all over again. I asked Shook if she was sheltered as a child and he doesn't think so. So, therefore, why is she behaving the way she has? Why is she treating him like a boyfriend one minute and dogshit the next? In general, girls who behave this way do not impress me. To me, they either want only dick or cash.

Sp what's her story? And if she is so convinced that she is right, why then doesn't she tell the truth? Why is she hiding?

As far as I am concerned, if you have the truth on your side, nobody can dispute you. Neither can they judge you. So why would you behave with so much guilt? Unless, of course, you are guilty.

I trusted. My husband trusted.

Bitch snake screwed with the wrong people.

I'm not going to bother just yet but an animal deserves being clinically treated. So I will. I want to know what goes on in this animal's brain.

Why animal? Because nothing human would behave this way.

So I'll treat her like the animal she is. To be studied and prodded. If she gets humiliated and ridiculed, no skin off my nose. We trusted. You bit back. Now, we hammer you to bits.

You hurt those I love and I will treat you as you deserve. I curse you everyday that you will be repaid in kind for all that you've done.

And may you rot in that bloody Academy, never to leave because you are too incompetent and inefficient to do the work you're paid to do. And when my husband leaves, all his notes go with him, bitch!

ETA: Honestly, I just sound angry. I don't feel angry or even look angry. I guess I'm being a bit calculating and cold. My curse and my words were well thought off. Nothing impulsive at all.

I am, by my very own admission, a sucker for the repentant, the lost, the lonely and the sad.

So, what do I do? I used to get attracted to them under a misguided sense of tryng to help. Either that or I started to think I loved them.

Now that I love Shook, I don't share that love but I do stil try to help him and his friends. because helping his friends alleviates his worry and his hurt. Even if I still suspect some of the people he calls friend think of him as more than a friend. And because I think his friend is avoiding him and it bothers him a lot since the friend has given no valid reason for it.

*sigh* I'll trust. I'll reach out and trust again. And if it bites me back like a poisonous snake, I'll bloody bite its head off, chew on its meat for awhile and then spit it out for the world to see.

Then I'll have a talk with my husband about his choice of friends.

Let me make one thing clear. I have never had anything anyone else wants before. Oh, they may want my life because of my parents being able to afford many things and the fact that I have a very good and easy understanding relationship with my parents. But those are not mine to give. I earned them fair and square and my parents' riches aren't exactly mine. I'm just at the right place at the right time.

But to actually have something that I worked hard to have, that's truly mine and nobody else's and it's something I will never voluntarily give away....I just find it gleeful that someone else might want it.

So, my 5-minute glee is this - he's mine, bitch. You want him, you got a helluva fight on your hands and I ain't never gonna make it easy for you. I'll drag your short fucking ass and name through the mud of society and everyone will know you for what you truly are before I am done. And if you think he is worth all the trouble, you better think about how you're treating him now if you believe he'll even leave me for the shameless, unintelligent, linguistically-challenged short likes of you! I will destroy you first. You have been warned!

And I don't make it a habit to make idle threats.

My doctor tried to give me sick leave today. While thinking of the greater good, I refused to take the sick leave. While driving back to school, I wondered if I was wise to do so. Then I figured, who cares? Nobody cares so why should I? Nobody is going to thank me for not missing school despite the fact that I just made things easier for them. Nobody cares whether I'm sick. Some people might even wish I was dead so that they can get into my husband's pants.

Honestly, my state of mind is directly connected to my state of being. When I'm sick, I get depressed. When I get depressed, I almost wish to die.

I managed for the longest time to put such thoughts at bay. But, since being pregnant, I can't seem to avoid them. They literally overwhelm me.

Couple all this with the fact that I recently found out how ungrateful some people I once called 'friends' are and my mean streak just rises to the surface. In reality, it's just two less people I need to care about but it's really no loss to me. I just detest them now because they're both ungrateful and in such denial that they're willing to blame all their heartache on their friends rather than admit they are the ones who need help. Thhey probably think they're smarter than any of us anyway. Oh well, if they died tomorrow, I won't even take 2 seconds to lament their death. After all, they're dead to me today.

Today, I'm only going to stay at work then just go home. Even the thought of going for voice lesson holds no joy for me. So I am, by my own admittance, going to stay home and wallow in my own misery. Whether it's of my own making really is my own business. But, unlike other spineless twerps, I don't blame other people. I am very aware of where blame is to be directed.

Oh, one more thing, to set the record straight, I was never desperate to get married. I never hassled Shook for a marriage or a ring. Neither did I pout and sulk when he never mentioned it. And neither did I ever give him an ultimatum deadline for a marriage proposal. That's just demented. I actually fought the idea of being married until I finally realised he wanted it too. So, any fucknut who tries to indicate otherwise, can just go to Hell!

And another thing, twat, is that if you want to pick a fight with me, have the bloody balls to face me and say so. If you don't then go hide in your girlfriend's dirty cunt because that's probably why you have a problem with your dick to begin with. Fucking coward!

End of rant.

I'm going to shut up now.

As I said earlier, I tend to dream or, at least, I tend to remember my dreams these days.

Last night's dream was a little bizarre. I was actually in a warehouse with some people I did not know. One of them was a serial killer. I remember we had to do something. We actually walked by a wall with holes at various height in it. One of the guys I was with peeked through one hole and declared he could watch the movie that was going on through the hole. Then someone else said that holes were the fifty cents seat in the house.

I only remember very little from this dream. It was like being caught in the 13 Ghosts house but with a few killers instead of ghosts. Then again, I think I was a murderer too.

Anyway, one of the killers said he will catch his prey and then become them to catch whoever is catching them. I asked him what would he do if the prey or predator was him. His reply was rather cool. He said then he hoped the other guy was good because he would just go after him and see who gets who first.

Then I woke up because my alarm went off.

I have two bedrooms in my house now. One is mine and always has been. the other is one I share with Shook when he comes home. Usually, when he goes back to Bintulu, I migrate back to my own room. But, for the past few days, I've been staying put in our room. I realised that I sleep better and I don't wake up when I need to roll around on the bed. And, looking at the bed covers every morning, it's apparent that I roll around quite a bit at night.

Anyway, for the past few nights, I've been getting quite a lot of dreams. On Tuesday night, I dreamt I was living on a military base. But the base is not the happy ones I see in The Unit. This base was on the verge of a war. So we were constantly on red alert. It seems that nobody is allowed outside the outer perimeter and a curfew is enforced every evening.

I distinctly remember, at one point, looking up at the sky and it was covered with bomber planes and fighter planes. But these planes were from the World War 2 era. But, our weaponry on the ground were very modern. And I had the impression we were not fighting humans but aliens and shapeshifters.

There was one part of the dream when I was looking up at the planes and wondering which one was Shook and if he was all right. Then the next moment, I was running around the base because I thought I saw an intruder but nobody believed me. I think it was a shapeshifter. I realised it would be difficult to prove it wasn't who it kept shifting into so I followed it. By some miracle I was able to keep pace with it even though it changed shapes a few times. And somehow I knew I had to kill it. And I also seemed to know I could only do that by burning it, at which time it would shift into all its other shapes before dying in its original form. So I had to get it to a public place to kill it.

I chased that thing all around the base. At one point a soldier guarding the weapons depot took a shot at me because the shapeshifter turned into a general and told him to do so. But I pulled rank (so wow! Don't know whether it was my rank or Shook's) and grabbed some weapons.

Just before I woke up from the dream, I remember being very close to catching up with it and killing it when the base came under attack. There were explosions and gunfire and people shouting and of course, women shrieking and screaming. I actually took time, at one point, to stop and slap a woman in the kitchen just to shut her up. Then I picked up my gun and ran on.

And I think I woke up when I took a shot at a car passing by and it exploded.

I have no clue where these dreams come from but they're fun and part of the reason I'm still sleeping in our room.

Albert Einstein once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Even if we don't regard it completely as insanity, a lot of times we still realise the futility of it. Yet, why do we do it?

Why do we choose to give people the benefit of the doubt despite knowing full well that they will make the same mistakes again?

Why do we still go help our friends and/or family members who seem to refuse to listen to our advice?

Why do we still listen to friends and/or family members who will tell us the same sob story over and over again?

Why do we still tolerate colleagues who choose to make the same silly mistakes despite us trying to help them? Why do we even keep trying to help them?

Sometimes it comes down to one thing. We humans are born with the sense that hope springs eternal. No matter how many times we are hurt, no matter how many times we regret, no matter how wary we are, there will always be that someone or some event that make us think "Maybe this time, it will be different."

Yet, the reality of it is that it is seldom different. It will be the same old shit coming to hit you in the face just when you've let your guard down.

Having said that, to be fair, sometimes, just sometimes, you are lucky enough to come across that one person or one event that is different.

At that moment, you can pick yourself up, brush off all the dust and dirt and feel good about being alive. And right then, you decide life isn't so bad. It can be full of crap but you just need to look beyond the shit and find the good out there.

If you're lucky.

Take into consideration that I get unusually depressed whenever Shook's not around, everyone notices that I'm grinning a lot more nowadays.

That's because I'm going to KL today. And because Shook's already in KL. And because when I talked to him yesterday and this morning, he sounded happier than he has ever sounded in awhile. And also because the baby lets me eat nowadays but still has a cap on the amount of food I can consume.

Is it any wonder I've lost close to 6 kilos in the past 3 months? Not that I am complaining. Shook's baby has achieved the one thing Shook has been trying to do in the past 8 years - get me to lose weight!

Haha! Baby's okay. I know it because I get a sharp pain when I talk to other men and I get tickled from the inside in the afternoons for no known reasons.

I'm okay because Shook's okay.

And my father, who I love very much, called my mom last night and said he lost his son-in-law. He quite forgot that he gets to come out much earlier from the plane because he's in First Class and in the first row. Shook was in row 14. My mom had a good laugh at them. And this morning I had to co-ordinate their breakfast despite the fact that I am all the way here and the two men I love most in the world are staying in the same hotel on the same floor just in two different wings.

And tonight, I get to see them both. Oh yay! And joy!

And, since I got my bonus from work, I'm going to buy my father a waterproof, lightweight jacket online. Hoodie or no hoodie and colour is up to him. I'll try to figure out what to buy my mom later once we're shopping in KL.

So, that's my goody news. I don't get very many nowadays so I treasure them when I do get them.

Imagine having heightened senses of smell and sound.

Imagine being surrounded by emotional and noisy teenagers whose bodies are also in the midst of changes therefore making their chemical make-up very erratic.

Imagine having problems sitting for too long and standing for too long.

Imagine having to sit in a really uncomfortable plastic chair while doing work that needs to be done.

Imagine having to hide when you're trying to take a quick nap because you are surrounded by people who think they are infinitely more virtuous and more hardworking than you.

Imagine your body metabolism increasing to cope with the new arrangements so fatigue is always at your heels.

Imagine such changes in your body making you feel very uncomfortable and miserable that all you want to do is find a sterile place where neither worry nor pain nor ache nor smell nor noise can reach you.

Above all, imagine yourself being surrounded by people who are too helpful or too self-absorbed.

Once you have done all these, then maybe, just maybe, you'll have an inkling to what I am going through every single day.

Maybe then you'll understand why I want to be with Shook all day every day because he is the only one who can help stabilise my body and my senses.

Maybe then you'll understand why I avoid doing certain things or going to certain places. It's not because I have an aversion to it or I don't miss it. It's because I find that I'd rather play it safe by not smelling certain things or hearing certain sounds than risk throwing up right into my plate or, worst yet, into someone else's plate.

Sometimes, I want to be selfish and say 'To hell with everyone who expect me to do what they want to do. To hell with everyone who want me to sacrifice my time for them. And, most of all, to hell with me spending my money on other people. I might as well spend it on me going to see Shook!'.

But, unfortunately, I was not brought up to be selfish. If I was, I would not have allowed Shook to stay at home before he left for Bintulu for his pilot license. I acknowledged that his parents and his sister will want to send time with him as well. Hell, I even sacrificed time with him so he could spend it with Yodie, who isn't even his! As near as Bintulu is, at that time, we were not sure if he could ever come home or if I could ever make arrangements to go see him. Even now, his breaks are shorter and further apart. And he allows me to be selfish so since I am an obedient wife, I will do as he asks.

But I am not cranky except in bursts of mood swings. However, I am always on the verge of tears probably because I am too used to keeping all my emotions inside. The hormonal changes are screwing up my self-control. I cried watching 27 Dresses, which isn't a tearjerker at all.

On the plus side, I'm going to see Shook this weekend and he's hopefully, fingers crossed, going to join us for the opening of Parliament. And I'm trying to get him home for Gawai but I might also drag him somewhere during that break.

Notice how most of my entries nowadays are very Shook-oriented? Just the way I like it, damnit! Luckily, I'm only doing it after we got married. I guess it's because I'm more secure about us now than ever before.

I seldom talked much about Shook before because imagine having to sit with someone who only gush about their partner or lover as if they have nothing else to talk about? I had to do that a lot in the US. I think I even knew the penis size of one of my housemates' boyfriend, which is way more information than I would ever want to know. And because she was American, I felt safe in telling her that I would have died just as happy not knowing that bit of information! Or even how they had sex. I mean, really. What are you trying to prove?

And this entry is just me venting and ranting. With a slight smile on my face. Because, despite my own emotional upheaval, Yati made my day by putting up a picture of Ewan McGregor on her blog. I love that woman.

I have discovered something odd about myself these past days.

I don't get morning sickness and I don't get cranky much. As long as I stay away from garlic (like all good vampires!), I am fine.

But for food to stay put, I have discovered that I can only eat what Shook likes to eat. I have got a miniature Shook growing inside me.

(Was it just me and my state of being or did that last remark sound really bad?)

I hope our next child will be more like me.

I think I'm ready for a change. Or maybe it's Shook's child talking. And no, contrary to anyone's belief, I am not using the child as a convenient excuse. Although you do have to admit that I am acting rather strange a lot nowadays.

I have been angry and in despair and depressed the last few weeks. But yesterday, after wallowing half the day, I got angry at myself for being stupid and sad. So I drank some Milo, took a 5-minute nap and when I woke up, I was fine.

And, incredibly, I got very chatty. I didn't feel like talking to my students or anyone though. I wanted to talk to Shook. So, despite being very sleepy still, I called him as soon as I got home. I bothered him for a good half an hour then took another nap.

It didn't do me any good because I was still sleepy when I went for my Toastmasters meeting. Then sometime during the meeting, a quote about anger was mentioned. Suddenly, a light went off in my head. I realised completely then how foolish I had been.

I believe things happen for a reason. I got angry with Shook and that girl because I was feeling inadequate and insecure. So, instead of facing myself, I took it out on them. Which is so wrong. I trust Shook so why did I keep punishing him? The fact that I realised that in the day and was reinforced in the evening strenghtened my convictions that I had done the right thing. I had no cause for worry. I also knew that even if Shook strayed (which he's had 8 years of chances of doing) it would be me he'll come back to at the end of the day. And that, above all else, is what I want.

And I figured that he has a very good female friend in KL so why shouldn't he need one in Bintulu where everyone else around him is young and juvenile? After all, I have close male friends too. So, since he's allowed me my male friends, I can afford to allow him his female friends. But, if they get too close, I will still pound the living daylights and their future generations out of them. I'm pregnant and hormonal. I have the right.

So, after all that, I'm no longer angry or depressed. I love him more than ever and I miss him enough to want to go see him any weekend from now. I trust him and hopefully, one day I can explain to him why I have such difficulty trusting people and why I keep expecting them to hurt me (which a lot of times, they never fail to fulfill my expectations).

But for now, I'm going to concentrate on myself, the baby and Shook. Not always in that order. I desperately need him because he keeps me calm and not nauseous. And we talked about the girl last night and now I feel for her. (See? I'm very amiable! This is very much the baby's fault. I'm not usually so amiable.) Anyway, the girl has problems of her own and she tells Shook and some he tells me. At least the work related ones. But if she has any problems about any kind of feelings for Shook, I don't care either anymore. She's Roman Catholic, she goes for confession and they believe in Hell! 'Nuff said!

But, on the whole, I'm better now. And I think I may have become a better person as well. At least, I hope I have.

This is a very impressive video. I had a good time trying to figure out the people involved as well as the war that was depicted.

It's interesting if you know your culinary country of origin and world history.

Enjoy this. I know I did.

Food Fight video

My reaction to people usually depends either on my first impression or after careful evaluation within a set period of time. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it?

Do you ever notice that the most amusing tales of people usually already gives you an idea of what they really are? I mean, stupid people do stupid things. Careful people do things slowly and with much thought. Selfish people can't get beyond themselves. Happy people do things that ensures the most joy to themselves. Smart people do things that fall within the realms of logic.

I am not prone to jealousy. In fact, I have learnt years ago to keep that part of me reined in tightly. So, a lot of times, people see me not caring rather than reacting in a jealous rage. But once I do get into a rage, it's hardly ever mindless and attention seeking. I plan my payback. Just as I wait and see how most people act before I decide on their character. Most of the time I can be this civilised.

Not many things make me react in a jealous fit nowadays. My only triggers are very Shook-oriented. I've been angry with Yodie for not leaving us alone. This was so bad once that I refused to buy her food and I kept telling her that she was nothing more than a cat so don't keep getting human aspirations. But now, she' s paying me back cat-style by ignoring me and refusing anything I offer since she was told I'm pregnant.

Recently, I got very jealous about Shook spending a lot of time with a female instructor at the Academy. It might be nothing but I've cried buckets twice over it. He assures me there's nothing on between them and I am trying very hard to believe him. It's not him but I've been used by too many people to completely trust anyone anymore. But I do trust him more than anyone else as well. But if he keeps being too nice to her, she's the one I'm worried about. No, not in the 'I care' kind of worried. It's in the 'I'm really in too good a mood to destroy right now but I will if you touch him' kind of worried.

He thinks of her as a sister. Well, like his sisters, she makes him do things for her when she's PMS-ing. Which I think is a stupid excuse. I get PMS too. You don't see me behaving all fragile and weak. Pah! That sort of behaviour belongs in ye olde England. Then why weren't you married at 15 and pregnant by 16 if you're so weak?! And I'd like to see how that sort of thinking works with her boss if she ever needs to fly when she's PMS-ing. My fat ass!

Women can assert their strengths in many ways. We don't have to be agressive or demanding. In fact, lots of women get their way better when they're soft and sweet than all 'I am woman! Hear me roar!' The guy who takes that always is either a Mama's boy or a weakling. Either way, you sure you want him to be the father of your children? They'll walk all over their father and most likely, eat him out of house and home and then dump him in an old folks' home when they grow up.

On the other hand, getting all weak and helpless because of a fact of life (even if it does come once a month) is just stupid. Not to mention a lot of people forget that PMS means pre and not during or post. And the fact that all men now make fun of women PMS-ing because of all the noise women make about it? Someone explain to me how this is a good thing again?

And how old are we anyway? I suffered severe menstrual cramps and PMS moodiness when I was a teenager. The cramps are on and off even now, depending on my level of stress and irregular cycles. My moodiness I just took it by the hand and stamped it out. I decided one day that I was sick and tired and bored of my mood swings and childishness and put an end to it. And it hasn't bothered me since.

But my jealousy? It still lurks somewhere in the corners of my mind. It reared its fugly head a few days ago which almost ruined Shook's holiday. It would have if we let it. But he didn't allow it and I figured he was being so considerate to drive all the way home to be with me so the least I could do was be nice. Even if I was ready to destroy.

Notice how I don't use the word 'kill'? You see, I don't kill. I destroy. There is a difference. Destroy means nobody anywhere will ever want the person again whether it be personally or professionally. Kill means it's over too soon.

I only do this for people I genuinely care for. Right now, it's my parents and Shook and then my sisters. Anyone else will still need to prove themselves to me. If they expect me to think about them first then they might want to think about me once in a while. I do have feelings, even if I seldom air it. Then again, I only air my grievances to people I know will care enough to listen. Like Gette.

As young as my sisters are, the moment I told them a girl might be making a move on Shook, they swore instant revenge. And that's only a 'might'. Now these are the kind of sisters worth being nice to. Even Shook found it flattering and amusing when I told him. And he thought only friends did things like this. Hah! Not in my house, buddy. We live together so we fight together.

And as much I suspect that these feelings come from my hormones, I know myself too well. This is just a way out for my jealousy. Maybe I've been hanging on to it too tightly. It needs an outlet.

But, honestly, won't you be jealous if you thought someone was trying to come on to your husband? Even if it may not be true. Your thoughts are enough to get you going. Luckily, I have an understanding husband. He says he's hot, other girls think he's hot. But I really don't believe other girls can deal with his temper and crankiness. Especially when he's all out angry and annoyed and frustrated and cranky. I'd like to see them try!

And besides, just to boost myself, I'm prettier and smarter. And if he can turn his back on the mother of his child right now, damn, I must have been seriously blind while we were dating! And I pride myself in being very aware, sometimes even more so than the person themselves know.

Haha! I do have a life. Really. But I noticed that a lot of the movies came out in the 80s and 90s. My parents loved going to the movies so I always went with them. The love rubbed off on me. I watched drama, comedies and romance with my mom, Grease was with my aunt on one of her first dates and the action and thrillers with my dad. Then in the 90s, I was in college. My friend and I went for a movie after every exam just to de-stress. And while in the US, even when we couldn't afford the regular circuit movies, we'd go watch the $1.99 ones. Besides, there was always the late night movies on cable. As for now, I watch what my students recommend, just to keep up with their mindset. And don't forget, I have younger sisters. When I buy movies for them, I insist on watching it first.

There are some movies I didn't put a mark against only because I watched bits and pieces of it. And I'm disappointed that Dune isn't in the list.

And ask anyone in my age group. Mars Attack was superb!

I have learnt so many things about the big event that just happened. So many things which are not privy to outsiders yet could so change the way things are in our state. But knowing as I do, I still go voting. I like how things are slowly changing and I hope for the better. And one thing I hope everyone learns from this is that being too full of yourself and being too proud does not serve any good purpose. And despite what people say, it was the natives who won the election for the state.

Anyway, for some odd reason, my father decided to get me a new laptop. He initially went to get one for my youngest sister. But we both were eyeing the same laptop so he decided to get me one. But she decided at the last moment to get an Asus laptop which she absolutely is joyful about. And I finally got my HP Pavillion TX 1000 laptop which I have been eyeing for ages! The only problem is that it's running Vista and after only 24 hours, already I am annoyed with the OS. So I'm going back to the shop, ask them a few questions and then decide once and for all if I want them to change it to XP. Chances are I will change it to XP since I need to install Adobe PageMaker and Photoshop in this laptop to do work.

Other than that, nothing much is going on. My hormones are haywire and I can go from laughing to crying within the space of typing an sms. It doesn't help that I do miss Shook like hell right now. I know he's coming home next week. But how on this green earth do I survive the next few months without him coming home?! *sigh* A problem that bears looking into. It also doesn't help that I'm not sure how well I can cope despite me fully realising that I might have the strength to cope.

One day, I'll make sense again.

For some unknown reason, I decided to update my blogroll. I took some sites out because they are hardly ever updated. I updated, renamed and "relocated" some others. I've decided to just name the sites according to their owners' names because at the rate my memory is going, I forgot half of the websites I had on the roll.

I'm supposed to do work but I get a wee bit nauseous looking down too long. So typing and writing could only be done in short intervals.

Other than that, I'm wondering why I am unable to feel very much. Two students from school got involved in a very horrible car accident. One died and the other is in a stable condition at the hospital despite rumours saying that he died. Hello people! If you're so obsessed with death, why don't you go kill yourself?! The teachers are all upset. I feel nothing. I even got cynical and thought the speech given by the Head of the Board of Directors was a little overboard and gave him a quizzical look before I remembered I was supposed to be in despair. I mean, who would mention a 9-year-old kid's legacy? He was not old enough or aware enough to leave a legacy behind. I illogically thought at one point that I should make myself cry since all the other teachers were either crying or looked like they were about to cry. Then I thought 'huh? why?'. One teacher said she was traumatised by the whole thing and that explained why she was giving everyone detention. My reaction was 'wtf? you nuts?'. Oh yeah, so traumatised that she didn't bother taking off her shoes when going into the hall where everyone was praying for the kids and their mother.

I get irrational mood swings but they last only 5 minutes at most. I get a lot of illogical thoughts running through my mind.

My sense of smell is more acute now. This is not a good thing when you're hanging around teenagers all day.

Nausea hits me when I haven't got enough sleep. But I've discovered that mandarin oranges cures that.

And I am so so so very, very happy that the holiday starts this Friday. I can sleep longer. But on the bad side, I have no money to go see Shook and I'm not going anywhere for the holidays. However, Shook might be coming home a few weeks after. Yay!!

And I want to watch The Unit season 3!!

It's that time of year again.

And again, I am reminded of why I can barely tolerate it. But my father enjoys the life so who am I to expect any less?

But when I hardly see my parents and I don't know whether they're coming and going AND I have to take responsibility of my sisters, I find it very difficult to not get angry with the area my father is in.

But he loves what he's doing and he's good at it, so I guess I can take a back seat for awhile. After all, it'll only be two weeks. After that, we can go on holiday as we wish.

Not many people can conpletely understand this or can even claim they understand. They don't have my parents and the high expectations. They don't have the commitment involved and they don't have to make the sacrifice we inevitably have to make.

If we were spoilt brats, my sisters and I could easily throw a temper tantrum and have a childish fit. But we've been in this game for too long. And as much as they don't like it, my sisters have learnt to be tolerant because I refuse to allow them any less.

After all our parents have done for us, what's two weeks to ask in return?

I've been watching a chinese series on ntv7 the past few weeks. I'm not watching it seriously but I just let it play in the background. The thing is the series is in Teochew and I'm purposely only listening so I could see just how my Teochew is going. So far, the challenge is to remember that the Teochew spoken in the show is pure Teochew and not the mixed up version we have here in Kuching. But even then, I'm gleeful to discover that I do understand quite a bit of it.

The one today has the main female character being confronted by her boyfriend's parents who don't approve of them. She spoke reasonably to his father who was the one adamantly against them. The thing that she found to be a difficult situation is that her boyfriend depends on his father for livelihood. They're both doctors and the father owns the clinic. So the girl was wiling to sacrifice the relationship for the guy's happiness.

But just before she wanted to walk out, the boyfriend came home with his mother and he got angry with his father for asking the girl to leave. The girl confronted him for fighting with his parents over her and she declared he was being treacherous to them. Then the guy gave his spiel about how his life would be worthless without her. And he said that if his parents cannot accept her then he was going to walk out.

It took me by surprise when he dragged her out despite the fact that his father threatened to take everything away the moment he does. In the next scene, the couple were in her house confessing to her teacher and father that he was now homeless, penniless and jobless.

And, of course, he gets the talk about threachery to the parents again. These people and their filial duty thing.

And I understood all this through listening! I was so gleeful with myself. My Teochew is still going strong and I'm of no shame to my ancestry. Haha!

But the story was so predictable. I figured the guy would either be a real loser and dump the girl for his parents or he'd be self-sacrificing and dump them for her. Either way is not practical, in my opinion. We humans have to survive. So, in reality, he could have either continued leeching off his parents yet still went out with her while they both conveniently forget that his money still comes from working at his father's clinic or dump both of them (parents and girl) and went some place where neither one of them can cause him any grief and confusion.

If I was annoyed enough, I would have done the latter. Who knows. There might be someone less of a problem out there. And besides, Yati and I could have moved to Bali, opened a ranch and enjoyed toyboys for the weekends. Haha! What a life! Oh, and don't forget the dozens of cats we'd keep as pets.

Oh, the other female character in the show told a guy they were lovers because they hugged. I was 'WTF?'. Is that all it takes for some girls? Dang cheap, if you ask me.

Supernatural is up to its old bag of tricks again.

In season 1, there were two guest stars who were well-known to all Buffy and Angel fans - Julie Benz and Amy Acker.

I just watched an episode in season 3 and they brought in Mercedes McNab. The funny thing is she played a vampire who didn't know she had been turned.

I find it amusing.

Now, if only David Boreanaz or Sarah Michelle Gellar would show up. Or even any of the others.

But I'm almost sure they won't. Most people take Supernatural for granted.

The granduncle I mentioned earlier passed away two days ago. He was suffering from lung cancer.

I went to the house after work. Luckily, it was after the funeral was over. It's not I didn't want to go. The part of me that was brought up properly was willing to go. I'm just not very good with seeing people in despair. It affects me. I might not feel the pain in my heart but I will start crying. I am good at mimicking, after all.

So I cry when people cry. Any other emotions don't bother me much but sadness will.

Everyone was normal by the time Nuril and I went over. We sat for a few minutes before going off.

So, the part of me that has difficulty in forgiving has discovered that she can once they are dead.

My aunt passed away two days ago. She was an aunt I was not very close to. I suppose because she was rather emotionally distant from us. Even while I was growing up and went to live with her and her sister when my parents were away, I felt more loved by her sister than by her.

My only reaction to the news of her death was 'How am I going to tell Mummy?'. I've been through too much with my mom to ever bear being the bearer of bad news. But luckily, my Aunty Mimi did the job for me. I knew I loved Aunty Mimi for a good reason.

Then on the day of the funeral, what does my idiot sister go and do? She messages me saying that the other sister (the aunt I love and loves me) passed away. My mom was so mad when I told her. My heart even fell for the split second it took my brain to kick in and say 'Being the idiot that she is, she must have gotten it wrong.'

On the other side of the family, my father's uncle is at the last leg of his life as well. He's constantly gasping for breath and doesn't look like he'll last the month. He went to the hospital the same time my aunt was admitted. I suppose the there might be something to the belief that the more bad you do in your lifetime, the more you suffer before the pain ends.

Do I sound heartless? Well, you have to be in my shoes and have gone through what that family has put me through to understand why I cannot care. I've tried. I just cannot find it in my heart to forgive them. I've kept many secrets from my parents about what they did to me. If I tell them, I am afraid of what my father might do. I'm even more scared of what he might not do. So I'd rather not know.

Anyway, that's what's been in my mind the past few days. I'm not whining about it. I'm not complaining. It's just there. And there it will stay.

Would you be in a good mood if someone you don't trust is in your house? And invited there by your sibling?

So I am not in a good mood. Want me to act all snobbish? After this, I'm going to check if anything is stolen.

Why do I not trust? Let's see.

Fucknut has no job, refuses to go find a job because he's too lazy to get off his big fucking ass. Oh, and he's scared of people bullying him at his workplace. But outside, he's a big bad gangster. My ass! His mother goes around bragging her son is dating so-and-so's daughter so when they get married, so-and-so will pay for everything. In other words, her son doesn't need to get a job. Rumour around town is that the guy has made a girl pregnant. And not only that, fuckhead was too lazy to finish school. And he gets angry when people talk English because he's too much of a dumbo to understand!

He is one hell of a son of a bitch!

I seldom call any guy that when I respect the parents but his bitch mother is as big a fuckhead as he is. I curse them! And if my sibling is stupid enough to want him, if they ever need help, don't fucking look my way because as soon as they marry, she is dead to me!

Right now everyone knows he is a deadbeat, useless motherfucker except her. So whatever she gets coming, she deserves!

That was one of the best songs in that movie! The movie was so dark literally and figuratively but that song made it so much fun.

I know Gette kept warning about the cuts but she was just preparing people for the worst, in my opinion. The cuts, literally and figuratively again, occured the most in only one song. And even then, I found them very tolerable despite the fact that I'm always first to criticise them. Hey! I was in the US which has very, very little censorship compared to a lot of countries, even Western and Westernised ones.

Oh yeah, the cuts. Because Sweeney Todd was a very swift cutter (for want of a better word!), the censorship hardly lasted more than one word. Some of it was half a word. Johnny Depp would start singing the word 'star' and only the first half of the sung word would disappear for a very split second. So he ended up sounding like 'St...ar!' Only an idiot would not figure out what he just sang.

But, as far as I am concerned, Sweeney Todd was a good movie. Now that one I will call good. This was a slasher flick plus musical. Only thing is I don't enjoy slasher flicks because it's mindless killing. It's like a child with a temper tantrum. If you like slasher flicks, you might find the singing disturbing. If you like musicals, the slashing might be disturbing. But put them together and Sweeney Todd is morbid fascinating entertainment.

I'll wait for the original DVD to watch it again not because of the censorship (it was a blink-and-you'll-miss'the-censorship thing too!) but because I know there are other songs in the original stage musical and I'd love it if they have deleted singing scenes.

I hope Misato, who went with us, will agree to do some of the songs with us. Even if she might never eat pies again.

I have the sudden urge to buy and watch Top Gun. Hence the song.

I really should get it considering the fact that I actually allowed the love theme to be played at the wedding reception. I so embrace my love for cheesy 80s movies.

But I have a good excuse. This one is about pilots.

Have you ever noticed that no matter how luxurious the car, how high-class or high-standard the car is, no matter how hard the driver tries to dress hawt with branded sunglasses and flattering outfit, it all gets shot to hell if the driver is 1) a guy and is driving with a slack jaw or his mouth is open or 2) a female and drives like blonde and just as inconsiderate?

I just thought of it today when I saw a really beautiful, expensive vehicle coming towards me and the driver was all in black with really cool shades. As they got closer, I noticed his mouth was agape. It so totally spoilt it for me. The car, the shades, the cool look just paled and disappeared altogether in comparison to the mouth opened big enough to let a few flies in. And he wasn't even yawning. He drove right past me with his mouth still open.

Boggles the mind.

I should be doing work. In fact, despite all the things I've read about not bringing work home, I have no choice but to bring work home.

You know the phrase 'not enough hours in the day'? I'm experiencing it big time. Most teachers get a maximum of 31 teaching periods. In fact, I know some who get 25 and they start complaining and bitching. I've got 40. Which only gives me 10 hours to do my teaching plan. Which is so not enough.

Recently, I've managed to bring my teaching load to 36 hours. But I also took on teaching extra lessons. I have three lower secondary classes. I teach these three Social Studies. Recently, the Sejarah teacher for the National students in the International stream left. And nobody seems interested or capable of teaching Sejarah. So guess who had to open her big mouth because she was thinking of the good of the students? Yours truly.

So until a new teacher comes in at the end of the month, my teaching load still stands at 36 a week but for 12 of those loads, I'm planning two lessons in one - Social Studies and Sejarah. Which means, by right, I should get at least 24 lessons free to do my planning. I only have 14 lessons free now to do any planning for any class.

So if I seem like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, it's probably because I am. And when I have to deal with smartass students who not only think they know better but also won't accept suggestions and advice, I'm waist deep in a hell of my own choosing.

And I'm praying I don't have to house-sit or anything. So far, since we've been married, we've done nothing during Syuk's breaks other than house-sit. Once for my house and twice for his. I need this Chinese New Year break like my life depended on it and I don't sleep very well at his house.

*Sigh* the sacrifices and choices I have to make. A lesser person would be selfish about it. But my mother brought me up to be a better person not a lesser one. So what do I always end up doing? Sacrificing for the good of others. Teaching really is becoming my vocation in life.

I find it very difficult to believe that Heath Ledger is dead.

If it was April 1st, I would have found it easier to believe this is one hell of a prank. But it's not. And I actually double-checked today's date! So I can only be forced to believe that it's true.

But he was so cute....

It is true. We despair over the good-looking ones who die young (or who die, period) and couldn't be bothered with the annoying, ugly ones.

How morbid of me.

I am officially on the warpath with Telekom and Streamyx. I just went to the webpage and filed a complaint message to them. I made it very clear that I find their finger-pointing at each other very, very incompetent.

If I don't get any response or if I get one I am not satisfied with, then I'm going to go through the hierarchy in that bleeding corporation. And this time, when the CEO gets to hear my woes, it will not be informally through my father's phone but officially in a letter. And if he doesn't do anything, I'm going to Parliament with this myself, damnit!

I am also very sure I can easily get a lot of people to sign a letter with me.

Like I always warn people, don't get me riled up. I don't just rant uselessly and helplessly. I try to get things done even if I have to do it officially and formally.

And this isn't resolved competently, I'm not voting in the next election and I'll tell everyone why!!

ETA: I took the second step after the complaint on the website. I spoke to my aunt who is an officer or manager or whatever they call them in Telekom. She'll follow up the issue for me. Oh, and the complaint link on the Telekom website is no longer in service. So they don't even update their website but they'll work at trying to get more clients. What a crock of crap!!