Still Being Random

I've been so busy that I'm surprised I haven't broken down yet.

Yesterday alone, I had two Toastmastrs reports to collate, two sets of exam papers to prepare and, to top it all, I didn't feel like doing any of that. I wanted to play games. But since all of the work I had to do was due today, I had to force myself to do it.

Once today is done, I have to mark those exam papers, prepare two more for tomorrow and brief my students on what they have to do for Assembly on Friday. I don't run Assembly, they do. I just oversee that nobody disturbs them while they work and that they do everything properly.

Then on Friday, I'm flying off to Pontianak. What better place to visit for someone who loves vampire lore? Well, other than Romania and the Carpathian mountains, of course. Then I'll be back on Sunday. School holidays start on Saturday but I still have to go in to work on Tuesday and Thursday next week to invigilate Cambridge exams.

I did so much walking around the school yesterday that my ankles hurt by evening. And when I'm invigilating exams, I don't sit down. I walk around even while I'm marking papers. Then I went with Shook to Saberkas, walked around with him at his speed. He, of course, criticised me for being slow but I was too tired to explain why I was walking slowly. I've tried it before but he doesn't quite understand. So I don't bother. Not many people will understand anyway.

Last night, I slept at 2 a.m., woke up at 4.30 a.m., did more work then came in to work. Tonight, I have a Toastmasters AGM which might last until 11ish. On Thursday, I have my usual voice lessons at 6, then run off to a staff dinner at 7.

All I can say is I am so looking forward to the holidays even if I do have to mark papers and write reports. But at least I can do it from home where I can play my Sims 2 and Neverwinter Nights 2.

And the real purpose of this entry is to ask if anyone wants to go watch Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and Shrek 3 next week? I'm free during the day except for Tuesday and Thursday so I can even go in the afternoon. Let's go! Let's go! SMS me if you're interested.

I always watch my students whenever they are being themselves and not trying to conform to the rules and regulations of the school.

When they're not annoying the bejeepers out of me, I usually find them rather amusing.

I also find it rather alarming that the boys take more care with how they look compared to the girls. The most some of the girls do is comb their hair or run their fingers through their hair and they're ready. But the boys take ages in the washroom because they want to make sure every hair is in place. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating but it's close to the truth.

At first, I wondered whether doomsday is almost upon us because there's such a role reversal going on. Then I realised it's not going to happen.

There are still girls who are very superficial. They are so influenced by TV and movies that they take it as the norm. They think being popular is so ultra important. One student even said that she doesn't want anyone to talk bad about her because she'll become less popular then. What she does not realise is that nobody cares here. The students here talk to other students because they're nice and friendly, not because they're trying too hard to look good or they have a 'cool' MySpace or friendster site.

The first thing I learnt from my American friends in the US was that 'Don't believe everything you see in TV or the movies. They're lying so that more people will watch them.'

Unfortunately, life imitates art creating an impression that art imitates life. Or creating the cycle where life then imitates art. Or something like that.

And another thing. What's so great about having a boyfriend/girlfriend?! I never cared one way or another. If I hadn't met Shook or hooked up with him or ended up where I am with him, my Plan B is to move to Bali/Australia/the Caribbean/the Mediterranean and lived on a ranch or something, get lots and lots of cats and flirt with cute/gorgeous young studs on the weekends. Sounds like paradies on earth to me. So why not have a Plan B?

It's easier for guys to have a Plan B. They're more independent and stronger. And it's easier for them to enjoy an uncaring lifestyle than for us ;) (So politically incorrect but kinda true because if we did it, we'd be called sluts. If they did it, they'll be studs. How unfair is that?!)

Another thing. It's not who we hang out with that determines whether we're cool or not, it's what we are that determines. We cannot go through life blaming other people for who or what we are. It'll make us look so weak if we argue everything that happens to us as being someone else's fault. I don't know about you but I really don't like thinking of myself as weak. I may give in during an argument but that's only so I can let the person find out for themselves what a mistake they've made. And let them feel dumb in private.

There has to come a time when we have control of our lives. There's no point yelling our independence of thought and body to the world if we still blame our mother/ father/ brother/ sister/ cousin/ aunty/ uncle/ friend/ ex-boyfriend/ ex-girlfriend/ colleague/ ex-colleague for our own pitfalls and weaknesses. True independence means I am responsible for myself. My wrongs are my fault, my rights are of my own doing. If you decide to go through life making sure that you never regret whatever you've done, it could end up two ways. One, you live a very sedate and sedentary life or two, you could be happier knowing that everything you've done is right for you. Option one kind of makes you dull and emotionless. But option two could mean that you can move on. You've made a mistake, learn from it and move on. Nothing can go wrong. You don't have to be overly optimistic for this to happen. You just have to be honest and realistic.

And I wish I could tell all these to my students. But sometimes, the most loving, caring thing you can do for someone is to let them learn from their own mistakes. Some people won't listen to advice no matter how well-intended it is. So you let them be. You guide them, you advise them,you help them and then you let them be. And hope and pray that they learn.

I'm happy yet pissed at the same time. How is this possible?

I'm gloriously happy, happy, joy, joy because Shook isn't leaving just yet. Apparently, his classes commence only on the 5th June. So, I get two extra weeks with him! And my mom just told me that my parents will be going to Bintulu on the 30th, so I'm the only one so far allowed to go. Ah! The privileges I get because of Shook. So, even though he goes, I can still get to see him less than a month later. I also have a sneaky feeling my parents are curious about where he will be studying. Not to mention my father's own fascination with flying.

I'm pissed because work is piling up on me. This week alone I have exam papers to set and mark and reports to write meaning I'm bringing work home meaning I'm working almost 24 hours a day. I also have two huge reports to write for my Toastmasters for the AGM next Tuesday. I have a possible meeting with my ex-boss on Friday and voice lessons tonight. It doesn't sound like much but believe me, it's a pile-up!

And, to top it all, my mother insists I go with them to Pontianak next weekend because she wants me to look for wedding stuff. Problem is, flight is on Friday at 10 a.m. and I don't get out of school until 12.00. And that Friday there's a huge Assembly in school in which I'm the only person in charge of the sound and stage crew.

oh joy...

I was at the computer game shop last night to buy The Sims 2. I had two dvds of this game before. One seems to have gone missing while the other one doesn't install. So I bought another. While there, I saw that the shop had installed Command and Conquer: Tiberium Wars in their pc. I've been fascinated since Jerome showed me the game trailer over the weekend. So I played around with the game for a while and now I'm interested. Only problem is I still have Evil Genius and Neverwinter Nights 2 in my pc. And I just bought Splinter Cell:Double Agent.

But I really, really would like to try Command and Conquer. Anyone else ever played it before? I don't remember hearing any of the guys ever playing it.

Now I'm afraid my Evil Genius cd might go missing. Games have a tendency of going missing among our friends. I know I bought one copy for Shook once and that's gone missing. Rin had one once and that's gone missing too. So my copy is the one we have now. Shook borrowed that and now Rin has it. If it stays with Rin, at least I know where to find it. But if it leaves that house, that might be the last I see of it. Maybe I'll get it back and make a copy and let that one run around among our friends.

I'm hoping very hard Evil Genius 2 will come out. That game gets more fun the more it's played. I played it the first time about 3 years ago. And, for once, I was the one who introduced it to all the guys. But they were not interested until I got Shook to play it. Let's just say we spent that entire Hari Raya stuck to our computers. And now, somehow, we're playing it again. Shook started it by mentioning it to Wil, who then put it into his pc. Then Rin got interested again and now she has it in her pc. I've always had it in mine so I was fine. But it is one very cool game. Where else can you get to play an evil genius?

I remember there was this PS2 game where you can play the devil and get as many souls as possible or try to conquer the world or something like that. Anyone remember that game? I want it now. I'm trying to take the PS2 back from Shook. Instead of it just sitting there, I might as well take it back to my place. And play God of War 2. Haha!

With Jerome's help, I not only finally have internet connection up again, I also have Neverwinter Nights 2 working on my pc!!

My pc finally is able to do what it was designed to do! Seriously, I did buy all the parts just so that I could play NWN 2 and Splinter Cell.

I am now satisfied. And after I get episode 21 of Supernatural tonight, I'll be even better!

Oh, Wil suggested I organise a gathering to say farewell to Shook before he leaves this coming weekend. Anyone have any ideas for a good place to go?

I've not remembered a dream in a long time. And, despite being unable to fall asleep, I had what felt like a long dream last night and I woke up actually remembering it.

In my dream, I think I was a member of a street gang. And I was a petite girl who, I realised later, had once fallen in love with a member of a rival gang, who later became the leader of that gang. Yeah, very Romeo and Juliet.

The gang concept was a modern-day Oliver Twist plus a bit of The Fast and Furious. I only knew this because I was the street person while some of my other gang members were carjackers. And I think the leader 'I' was in love with was also a carjacker. It was really weird.

There was one scene in the dream when I was at the Headquarters and I got confused because I saw one gang member twice in two different parts of the building within seconds of each sighting. I ran out to see if his car was parked outside. It was. At that exact moment, I saw him driving by in his car. That's when I realised one was a fake. I checked the car, ran into the building and told someone that the guy in the building was the fake one. Then I ran out and drove his car away.

The car was pretty slick too. It was a 'sleeper' car. It had all the power for racing but you'd never know it from the outside. I had to drive the car really fast because I think the rival gang was on to me and they kept chasing me all around town.

It was this moment when I realised that 'I' was once the lover of the leader of the rival gang because I had memory flashes of what 'we' used to do together. It'd be a montage except there was no song and the scenes were definitely rated R.

I then decided to confront the leader there and then. I had turned right into rival territory when my alarm clock woke me up.

Now that I think about it, I really should start writing all these down and publish it as series of short stories.

I went for my first ever voice tryout last night. I've always wanted to take voice lessons. It's fascinating to be able to belt out a song. Not just any song but songs from musicals.

And Gette had to go and find us someone who absolutely lives and breathes musicals. To be fair, I got excited when I saw the music sheets for 'Les Miserables' so the teacher (Misato) also got excited.

The excitement was such that she then proceeded to pass me the music sheet for 'I Dreamt A Dream' and Gette 'On My Own' from 'Les Miserables.

Oh, and despite my convinctions that I cannot sing to save my life, I've discovered that I can go between an alto and a soprano. Maybe that's why she passed me the sheet for 'I Dreamt A Dream'.

Although it is cheaper if there were more than the two of us, I like it just being Gette and me there. We like the same songs, there's less waiting time and we're both apprehensive yet almost excited that we might end up singing with Misato one day. Oh god! Help!

I'm excited now. I can't wait for next week.

I'm back on the difficult cycle again. It's one of those things that make things very difficult for me. With my work schedule, I need to eat at a specific time or else I'd risk being hungry when I can't go get or eat food. So I buy food and eat when I can spare the time. This doesn't help me at all because I'm going through some very erratic hunger moods. I'm hardly ever hungry so I don't eat. And when I do get hungry, it's at a time when it's not practical to eat, like 1.00 a.m. If I do give in and eat at 1.00 a.m. it would mean that I'm up until 2.00 a.m. and then I need to jump out of bed at 6.30 a.m. and be at work from 7.30 a.m. to 4.00 p.m.

So, in the whole scheme of things, my body is giving me so much trouble. And this always happens when the weather changes. This has been going on since I was in the U.S. I'd eat all winter and then my food intake dwindles down to almost nothing during the summer. I know there's no winter and summer here but there is hot and rainy which amounts to almost the same thing. So now, I'm down to not wanting to eat at all or being extremely fussy about what to eat. In short, I'm doing a 'Yodie'!

And when I get fussy, Shook gets cranky. Yet, last night, he was incredibly patient when I demanded McDonald's despite him wanting to eat at home and then I could not decide what to eat when we did get to McDonald's. And when we did get home, I pouted and insisted I didn't want to share my chicken with Yodie, who is spoilt enough anyway. Then, moments later, I turned around and said I couldn't finish my chicken and went hunting for Yodie to help me with leftovers. Which got Shook all sighing again.

All in all, I know I'm going to be a difficult person to handle for the next few days. Something will snap me out of it eventually. But, until then, I'm hoping this is just PMS and I'll not have to handle all these mood swings and fickle-mindedness for very long.

I had a rather morbid lunch. It's a good thing that I can be rather non-squeamish at times.

Last night, my sister bought me some fried rice with salted fish, which I brought to work for lunch today. While I was eating, I came upon a piece of salted fish. The logical part of recognised the sliced salted fish for what it was despite the fact that it was little on the pale side. The morbid part of me wondered if it was a gecko.

That's right. It looked a lot like a gecko had fallen into the pan while the fried rice was being fried. It looked all mashed up and soft with a white underside and a speckled topside. The only thing missing was a tail and the rounded head. I even took a closer look and it looked a bit like part of the gecko's head. I was looking for eyes and feet just to see if it might have really been a gecko.

But there were none and the piece was obviously a sliced off part of a fried fish. So I was fine. All I did to stop myself from throwing up was throw the piece away. It didn't stop me from eating the rice, though.

But, typical of a Malay eating place, the portions are illogically huge. It makes me wonder how people can eat so much. Even when I've not eaten all day, I still only eat a small portion once I do eat. And everyone knows it's a weight watchers nightmare to justify eating more by saying that it's to make up for a meal missed. There's no such logic to it. I read this somewhere but I can't remember which site I read it at. It was either diets.com or the online Glee magazine subscription I get.

Sometimes, I find it easy to believe that Shook does love me more than he reveals. Yesterday, something happened that got me all worked up. This usually happens when I'm extremely disappointed in a friend. Even disappointment in my family doesn't affect me like this.

But I was very upset. I was ready to send out a nasty sms to sever all ties with a particular person. It didn't help that when I mentioned it to Wil and told him how I hated such a behaviour, he agreed with me and said he hates people who do that too.

Then we decided not to talk about this person. I had already decided to myself that I'm going to ignore this person. He seems to ignore us easily enough so we don't care about him anymore. I had calmed down enough to tell myself that, if by today, I was still angry, I was going to send him an sms, then ignore his replies and calls and ban him from my messenger list. If I can cut a friend of 15 years out of my life, I can do more than that to a friend of 7 years. So I was set.

Then, out of the blue, Wil brought this person's name up again and wondered how he was doing. I think Shook heard my sharp intake of breath as I was about to say something very caustic because he quickly said "Why should we bother? After all, it's his life. We have our own."

And he said it so quietly that even Wil knew to back down. It definitely saved me from another outburst. And it definitely gave me a way to not care about this person anymore.

But the fact remains that Shook knows how friends' actions can hurt me even when I don't say much about it. He knows it has a worst effect when I don't say much. When I rant, at least, he knows I'm getting it out in the open. It's when I keep it inside that he realises I'm hurting badly. Where this person was concerned, I said only he didn't want to meet us and left it at that. So Shook knew I was upset and angry. When people have hurt me badly, he knows I tend to have as little to do with them as possible. I can look past members of my family as if they're not there when I'm angry at them. Friends? Even easier to do.

So, you see, it's little things like this that makes me know he cares. He teases me, he bullies me, he makes fun of me. But at the end of the day, he takes the time to do the little things that make me feel better. He buys me things that keep me safe and organised, not because they look pretty. All this, even if I am only catching up with his trains of thought a few years too late.

Against my better judgement, I went to watch Zombi Kampung Pisang yesterday with Shook, Wil and Tremas. I really was rather iffy about it. Even when Shook showed me the trailer on YouTube, I was reconsidering going a few times. But Shook was enthusiastic about it so I went along.

I am happy to say that this was definitely one of the better Malay movies I've ever watched. The key to it was that they were not planning to be serious. It was Grade-B all the way from the beginning to the end.

It was only at one point almost to the end that I found it boring enough that I almost fell asleep. Other than that, the movie is a good laugh. Especially if you're really into Grade-B horror flicks and zombie movies.

I finally did it!

I finally went and got that blasted monodrama out of the way! After sitting on for a little more than two months.

Even last night, I was tempted to chicken out. The feeling became worst after I found out that I was going to be evaluated by the most veteran of Toastmasters in our Club. He is revered even by other clubs and everyone knows him to be a good speaker. He's won awards upon awards for speaking. And I know he's done this manual before. So, to say I was freaking out is an understatement.

At the same time, I realised that if I didn't do it during this meeting, then I'd most likely will never get it done. So I grabbed the bull by the horns and went up there and did the presentation.

It didn't turn out as well as I wanted it to but it didn't turn out too badly either. Apparently, I played it well enough to entertain everyone.

Dunstan said it's the hardest project in the manual, which is one of the hardest manuals among the advanced manuals. It was the Interpretive Reading manual. And Victor was impressed because I wrote it myself. He says others have just pulled a monologue off the Net and read that.

So, yes, I finally got it out of the way. And now I can progress to the next projects. I can either do a Roast or a Play. The Roast is only about 5 minutes and the Play is between 10 to 15 mminutes. Roasting's easier.

After feeling very down about a lot of things, I was almost desperate to get out of Kuching. The only way that has been possible for me has been to go with Shook to our friend's kampung. So, last Saturday, thanks to the Powers That Be!, we went off to our friend's place. We had a barbeque and generally sat around talking and laughing about the fish, the burgers and everything else. It felt good to realise that I do have a life outside of work and the associations.

For dinner, we later went to GK, which has been renamed Nice Cafe. When we asked why, the answer was funny. Apparently, everyone still refers to it as 'Nice Cafe' so the management decided to revert back to 'Nice Cafe'.

But it was while sitting there and laughing and trying to get Simon drunk that we started telling him stories about how things were before we all got shoved our separate ways. Shook and Wil kept telling Simon that they are kinder than Leon when it comes to drinking. Even then, Wil kept running after Simon with a glass of beer trying to make sure he drank it all. I tell you, anyone with a lesser sense of humour would get angry at being forced to drink when they had clearly said 'No more' already.

Then, out of the blue, Wil suddenly said he missed going out drinking with us and Mac. I found it funny considering that Mac prefers to hang out with the younger set of people nowadays. Then Wil mentioned that maybe we're too old for him. It was a remark that made me look at them all and think "Like anyone would believe we are older!"

Then we talked about drinking games. I told of the time I played an UNO drinking game and immediately Wil jumped on the idea. I thought of suggesting Munchkin but it's too serious a game for drinking sessions. But I did remind Wil of the last time we played UNO and he had to draw 12. So, if we did a shot for every Draw card we pulled, Wil would be looking at 12 shots! I think he got a bit cross-eyed just thinking about it.

Of course, we talked of all the things they did during the 'Cyberdyne days', as they called it. And Wil and Shook talked of the girls they knew. I know of these already but apparently Wil's wife did not and she kept grilling him and making jealousy-laced remarks. I wanted to ask her what she was worried about since they're already married. I was more secure in my knowledge than she was. Geez! The guy has a past. Don't hassle him about it or else the past might become the present!

And Wil, bless his soul, did what I consider the best act of friendship! He offered to go with me to Bintulu, if I ever get an attack of insecurity, just to check up on Shook. I mean, I trust Shook but there is only so much trust can do when there are bitchy snakes around. And both Wil and Simon sat there and discussed the distance and cost and length of time needed to get to Bintulu by air and by car. It was so sweet! I felt almost cherished but definitely accepted. And when I told Wil's wife that I won't be going on picnics with them without Shook around, she actually said they would come pick me up if I wanted them to. How much better can friends get, I ask you? In a world where everyone generally only thinks of themselves, there are these 4 people who are willing to go all out to make me feel better about this whole thing! I realised then why Shook enjoys spending time with this group. He caught on earlier than I did (then again, he's known Wil longer) that these are friends worth hanging onto.

Come to think of it, Wil has always helped me a lot before and I have helped him a lot too. He appreciates my honesty and doesn't hate me for it. He seems to know that I get mad at him for stupid things he did and not just for the sake of it.

But the weekend was good. It helped me reaffirm my believe in myself. I may have made some dumb choices but I made some pretty good ones too. I do have friends who care and who are secure enough to be themselves. We have too much fun to want the constant attention or the limelight. And we're too old to require that much attention.

I guess there is much to be said about hanging out with people closer to your own age. I've been spending too much time with young people or with people my own age who still haven't decided what they want and chooses to moan and groan about it. And they all want to be members of an association or all eager to get married.

Sheesh! It is enough to make people drink until they're drunk! And pass out!

I've been tagged! By my 'big brother' of all people. At first, I was taken aback a bit. Then I read the rules of the tagging and discovered it's not so bad to be tagged. This time.

The '5 Blogs That Make Me Think' are:

1. Where's the Undo Button? - by Yati

2. Monster in the Spotlight - by Chipperazzi

3. Standard Issue III - by Gette

4. Kenny Sia - by Kenny Sia

5. Riding The Mellow - by Mac

Congratulations! You won a

The participation rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,

3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

I am at work but I feel so demotivated that it's not even funny. I don't feel like doing anything. Actually, I do feel like quitting my job but I don't have the luxury. Not only will my parents not go for it, they won't help me pick up the pieces of my debts or my spending just because I got too lazy or too tired to work.

I do feel the strong need to get away from needy people though. Probably because I'm in a needy mood myself. I've always had to be the strong, stable one that once in a while, I need to lean on someone. At this point right now, everyone seems to be depending on me!

Most of all that useless piece of organisation I call an Alumni! They act as if they'd all perish if I was not there! Nobody is that indispensable! They're all eager for a boyfriend and marriage and all that crap but ask them to chair a miserable meeting or make some minor decisions, they go stupid. Truly unreliable! And what's the point in having a committe if the President does all the work? It's not as if I was born with all this knowledge in my head. I learnt it all. Like everyone else has to! Jeez!!

At least, my Toastmasters is easing off me. I guess, since he got a love life, the president has discovered that there is more to life than meetings and social networking. But they still want me to take over as President. And because of that, I'm almost harrassing Shook to take a job somewhere outside Kuching! Like really, really far outside Kuching.

I really would like to be the needy one once in a while. The one who pouts and slams doors and acts childishly. The one who bitches and moans and groans over small matters. Just once in awhile.

Being the strong, stable one really can make things tiring.

I was watching episode 18 of Supernatural Season 2 the other day. It's the episode that involved Sam and Dean investigating women being murdered by a werewolf. Well, it turned out that the werewolf was a she and Sam had fallen for her. In one scene, he was arguing that he would try and save her somehow. And I think Dean or the girl asked him if he knew of a place where they could lock her up for a few nights in the month to keep her safe while she is in werewolf form.

At that moment, two things struck me. 1) If they went to Angel Investigations, they'd find a room just right for her. After all, Angel has used it before in the episode Unleashed. And 2) why hasn't anyone written an Angel/Supernatural crossover? Then again, if they did, Angel and Sam and Dean would be on opposite sides. I can see Sam believing that Angel has a soul and is good but I highly doubt if Dean would believe. Sam and Dean would more likely work together with Buffy than Angel. But then I can see Illyria impressing Dean.

Last night, I was also watching Supernatural on TV and it was the episode where they meet a family of cannibals. Reminds me of that episode of X-Files.

Which brings me to one question. Why is it guys who enjoy X-Files, Buffy and even Angel, refuse to watch Supernatural? (Well, except for Wilfred and Shook). Of course, the answer is pretty clear. There are no 'hot chicks' in Supernatural. As normal as the story is, as realistic as it can get, it still does not measure up to guys who refuse to see guys acting as heroes. They only want to see girls. Even if the girls who guest star in Supernatural used to act in Angel and Buffy. Girls like Amy Acker and Julie Benz.

The whole idea really is enough to make me consider writing fan fiction on Supernatural. But I'll be very tempted to crossover with Angel since I know Angel better than I know Buffy. Or maybe have Dean meet Faith. Can you imagine the fireworks? They're so alike it could only end up in sparks. Hee! Hee!

My only gripe with fan fiction is that there's always incest or homosexuality. Why can't people keep their minds out of the gutter for a while?! Why did they have to tarnish the Winchester brothers and create the term 'Wincest'?! Stupid idiots call themselves fans and they do this?! More like morons whose parents are brother and sister, if you ask me.

Okay...rant over. Indignation still very much in place though. But I might seriously consider the fan fiction. I know enough urban legends and folklore and the unexplained to write a rather passable fan fiction. I can write about sexual tension, just not sexual encounters. I suck at writing romance despite reading a lot of it. A little too cynical, I guess.

But I'll consider the crossover...when I have the time and mental capacity to string words together without sounding gibberish.

One last note - can you imagine a Supernatural/Firefly crossover? Summer will make the Winchester brothers nuts. And Inara will have them drooling. Fun!!

Oh well, just a thought. All I want to do right now is watch Prison Break season 2. I'll wait for my PC to come back from Jerome so I could download Season 2.

After years of moaning and groaning about my computer, I finally put my foot down and bought computer parts. And, as luck would have it, I missed the PC fair in Kuching. Instead, where was I? Drooling over computer parts in Low Yatt Plaza in KL.

Honestly, when Jerome and Art told me that it's cheaper in KL, I was still a bit skeptical. I don't trust based only on someone's word. I prefer to see for myself. (Let's not even go into the paranormal)

Anyway, I did a quick survey here before I went to KL just so that I can get a rough idea of the price range. When I did get to Low Yatt, I was floored. The first shop I went to had almost the same prices as we get here; just slightly cheaper. Then I remembered one particular shop mentioned at hardwarezone. So I went there and grabbed their price list. Their prices are unbelievable! I even went to the shop itself and grilled the guy about his prices. And I did what Jerome advised me to do. I asked the guy questions about all the parts I needed. From the motherboard to the RAM to the graphics card and the hard disk. We were fine until we got to the graphics card. He asked if I was gaming or desktop publishing. I told him I could desktop publish from my laptop so he grabbed the gaming card for me. At first, I didn't even want to consider buying a hard disk. Then he calculated what I did pick out and I discovered that I had more than enough for a new hard disk. Then he made it worst. He said if I added the RAM, he could pass it off as buying a whole computer and get me a bargain on the RAM and the rest of the components.

So I said okay. I was already satisfied with what I had. All I asked was if I can play Neverwinter Nights 2 and Splinter Cell and he replied I could play WoW if I wanted to. Haha! All in all, I paid RM1670 for a Western Digital 320 Gb hard disk (he said he won't use Maxtor and besides, they might be shutting down? I'm not so sure now), a AMD Athlon 64 X2 dual-core processor, nVidia's GeForce 7600 GT graphics card, Corsair 1 Gb RAM and abit KN9 SLI. It's probably not the best by some standards but I'm quite satisfied with it all. It should last me quite a while and, as long as I can play my Sims2, Splinter Cell and Neverwinter Nights 2, I'm happy.

I asked the guy if they would all fit together and he gave everything a sweeping glance. He said they definitely will unless the person putting them together gets it wrong. Then he asked if I chose all the parts on my own. I said I had some help (thanks Jerome, Nick and Art! Although I couldn't afford the 8800. Haha!) but only for the graphics card. The rest are my own error.

So that was my weekend. After that, I barely had enough money to buy books but I managed to go manga mad in Kinokuniya. My sole purpose to go to KL was to buy computer parts and I did. And, along the tech track, I met up with my friends. One of them works in NTV/8TV/TV9 and the other writes tech reviews for the New Straits Times. The wife writes the reviews and she laughed at me for going tech mad. We talked about how cheap Vista is and she said she'll wait a year or two. She reviewed it and was not too impressed just yet. Same thing the guy at Low Yatt told me. If only I can convey all this to my mom...

I had so many things I wanted to say...that I wanted to blog about. Some I wanted to get gleeful over - like having appeared in the papers twice over a space of two weeks for reasons I wish I knew. SOme things I wanted to rant about. Others I just wanted to impart. But all of it was forgotten in favour of one particular event.

Prison Break

I set out not going all out to watch it. I've heard about it and I was considering it but I was not making a point to sit in front of the tv to watch it.

But my big brother insisted I watch it. He emphasised that it was one of the best shows he's ever seen. He said that he once stayed up all night j7ust to watch the rest of the season on dvd.

So, when he managed to pass the season 1 dvd set to my mom, I did what any human, curious, real cat lover would do. I popped it into the dvd player and watched it.

And I must say, he's right. After the 5th episode, I was tempted to fast forward everything just to see how it goes but I knew I'd miss something if I did that. On the other hand, I could not wait for each episode to go on so that I'd know what happened next. At the same time, I was also afraid to see what would happen next.

A real quandary, I tell you.

Yet right now, I am watching episode 6 of the first Season and I'm hooked. I've already booked the Season 2 dvds from a student so she'll pass them to me as soon as she can.

Overall, I enjoy the show. It's not action packed, it's not babe packed. It's a thriller that's almost thought provoking. But one thing for sure is that it's heart stopping. The thing I hate is that I know who the bad guys are, I know who the good guys are and I know who the victims and manipulators are. I just need to know how they all end up. It's like a romance story. You know how they'll all end up. You just need to know how they got there!

It's a show I enjoy yet I hate the fact that I'm watching it. Go figure!

Nobody actually knows when the Anteater first began its journey down the walk of its cuisine. Everyone, who has ever been plagued by ants, has always voiced their disdain and annoyance. So whenever anyone mentions the thought of eating ants, or even the indifference of having eaten ants, most people would react in a horrified manner.

Yet, for the Anteater, none of this mattered. It was finally home from a tiring day going about its business. All it wanted to do was curl up in its lair and rest its mind. The only way it knew how to do this, though, was through reading. Oh, not many people knew that an Anteater could read! Then again, how many of us have ever thought to ask the Anteater if it could read? If we had ever had the presence of mind to ask, it would surely say 'Yes!'.

So the Anteater lay down in its favourite patch and read its current reading material. While it read, the Anteater decided to dip its claws into its trove of goodies. It was smug and enjoying all the good things of the day. After a long, grueling day at the grindstone, earning its keep, the Anteater felt it deserved this downtime.

So the Anteater ate as it read, decidedly content and refusing to even entertain the thought of stopping or moving to do anything else. Once in awhile the Anteater noticed a smell. It was a hint but enough to be noticed. It was the smell of those tiny ants that bite and leave a mark. Those same ants were also known to smell bad. But the Anteater thought it was from its treasure trove of goodies.

Until it felt a little bite on its claw. Instinctively, the Anteater sat up and swiped at its claw. Frowning in displeasure, it looked into its bag of goodies and saw ants crawling in the bag. Then it realised one thing. All this while, it thought that the goodies smelled of ants. As it turned out, it really WAS eating ants!

And you know what makes it worst?

The Anteater was ME!

I attended Idles of March last night and I think it was an interesting affair. I know I had a lot of fun until the regular customers came in and just blew it for me. We had jazz, blues and even 80s music going. Then when our session finished and the house took over, the place got really stale for me really quickly. It didn't help that some very rude people were there early and kept talking loudly throughout the poetry reading and story telling time. It only goes to show that no matter where you put them, no matter how posh the ambiance, uncouth will remain uncouth.

Anyway, regardless of this, I had fun in the first few hours I was there and I'm actually looking forward to the next one. Which by popular demand, might be sometime in the second half of this year.

I came across a very interesting article in the newspaper the other day. It was in the Nature and Health supplement of the Borneo Post. I don't usually read this section but this article was, interestingly, titled ' Nice Guys vs Good Men'.

For someone who has more guy friends than girl friends and has a lot of male students who are a little confused about their place in the universe, I thought this would be a very interesting thing to read. The first line caught my attention and held it fast. It said - 'We know that "nice guys" tend to end up in the dreaded "just-be-friends" zone. But that doesn't stop women everywhere from claiming that this is what they really want in a man. So, what's the deal here?'

Then the next interesting line - 'The difference between a genuinely good man who attracts women and one who ultimately does not, is centred around from what position he he presents in performing his 'good guy' behaviour. Men who act nice form a position of weakness end up rejected. Men who are in a position of strength, yet who treat women well, often make the women so crazy for them that they have more options than they can handle.'

Then there were two headings:
The Nice Guy Who Finishes Last (Having Come From A Position of Weakness)
1. Capitulates to women's whims
2. Is afraid to lose the woman he is with
3. Has zero leadership ability
4. Lacks confidence
5. Has thinly veiled ulterior motives

The Good Man Who Wins (Having Come From A Position of Strength)
1. Treats ALL women well, regardless of sexual attractiveness
2. Does not respect sex - men without pressing sexual needs cause women to feel more comfortable in their presence. Ironically, women who are comfortable around a man who respects them sexually are more attracted...and ultimately more sexual.
3. Takes charge
4. Has options - If a man can inspire a woman to feel valuable or special, he's on the right track, but getting both right is an unbeatable combination.
5. Has high standards - The man is evaluating the woman he is with rather than trying to impress her.

I thought this article was a very good read. It should be an eye-opener for a lot of men out there. And it also puts into words what we women have been trying to explain to men. It has nothing to do with good guys and bad boys. It has everything to do with how we are treated.

But if some guys have the luck to go gaga over some weak girl who lets herself be abused and such by a bad boy, then they really shouldn't blame the girl completely.

I do take into account the fact that some girls are weak enough to need assurance and insurance more than anything. And I do take into account that, for all a guy claims he prefers brains over looks, he usually picks looks anyway. So it's rather unusual to find a woman who is smart, confident and beautiful. And when they do find her, the guys are too overwhelmed to approach her anyway.

But in the true typical make way, it's still us females who get blamed. So the next time we talk lowly of guys, this is why. We are very aware of our own weaknesses. We acknowledge that we have them and that many of our kind have them. We look down upon such weak females who need sugar daddies or willing to be mistresses and such. But at least we admit it happens.

But overall, I finally figured out why I was so quickly attracted to Shook. He does display the traits found in the Good Man Who Wins. He has his bad boy moments which everyone else sees. But whatever good guy traits he shows, so far, is only for those very close to him to see. And any better traits are only for me to see. Which is how it should be.

And if you wish you could see it, if you're a girl you better stay away because I can get possessive, and if you're a guy maybe you should consider coming out of the closet!

The school sits quietly near the center of the city. It's not a very big building but many have admitted that it can look overwhelming. Even on its most active days, the school looks almost deserted, giving passers-by the idea that maybe it's not a school or maybe it has a different schedule from other schools.

Yet, on the inside, the school bustles with activity and noise. Children running from room to room although running is very much against the rules. But, how can one tell boisterous, hyperactive children that their very instincts to run and scream is wrong?

During the day, the school sits in relative silence when the lessons are going on. But as soon as the bell rings, chaos breaks out like a fiery stallion finally released into the wild. Walking along the corridors become more dangerous than walking into the path of an F1 car during a race. The only safer alternative would be to stay within the classrooms but anyone who does so gets deluged by screams and bangs and booms that seem to permeate the walls. The city of London during the Blitz might have felt the same way in comparison.

Then, after school is over, it gets quiet all over again. Dusk falls and the security moves in for the night. The gates are closed and the night goes on as everyone goes about their way; heading home to rest and relax and maybe prepare themselves mentally and physically for the next day.

The roads outside quieten down as the night goes on. The cars lessen and the noises start to die down. The houses on either side of the school become dark as the residents bed down for the night. The night creatures arise to do what Nature intended them to do.

There are times when the school becomes truly only a silent, looming building. Occasionally, the security would switch on all the lights, flooding the building with a semblance of life. But the classrooms remain in darkness because it would take too long and too much energy to go through them all.

But sometimes, a light would flicker in the room at the topmost floor. Nobody is in there but the light would go on and then switch off after a few minutes. Sometimes even after a few hours. Some people have justified it by saying the security might have done it. But the security changes over the week. Unless there is a rule that they must switch on the lights in that particular room, there is no known reason for the lights to behave as they have.

At other times, some teachers have returned at night to finish some of their work. They would be in their classrooms, marking books or papers or finishing off some reports on the computer. A lot of times, they have reported that the night security brings his children into work. They can hear the children running up and down the corridors, sometimes banging on the doors as they go by. When the teachers later head out for the night, they make a comment to the security about it and he gives them the odd look. He has no children. He's not even married. There's nobody else on the premises other than him and the teacher. He has seen no children that night. But the teacher definitely heard them.

Sometimes, even during the day, a girl is seen in the upper floor. She looks out the windows as if lamenting her own inability to be outside. Other times, she's looking into the classrooms as if wanting to be inside. She looks curious. She wants to know what is going on. Yet, she is trapped where she is. Unable to leave yet finding no reason to stay. Sometimes, she's invited into the classes to watch but she is warned not to touch or disturb. Maybe she is grateful because she does as she is told. She watches closely. So close that a more sensitive person could feel her. She never sits but she reads over shoulders. Maybe, just maybe, for the moment, her curiosity is satisfied and she has learned something. But eventually, she goes back to her window and looks out. Sadly. Trapped once more.

Only a few know of this. But more shall know soon enough. The school is getting restless. Its usefulness is coming to an end. The building is slowly losing all its insides. There is a newer, younger version of it. Soon, it will stand empty and silent. It will truly be deserted. It is not happy to be left behind. Sadness fills its walls. A tinge of anger permeates its structure.

It shows its anger more than its sadness. It sits there, heavy, making things difficult for the people who are walking in and out, carrying its insides out to the trucks. At night, it manifests itself, locking toilet doors, forcing the people in the toilets to kick the doors open to get out. It throws the remaining tables and chairs as if trying to exorcise its own anger at being left behind.

Today, it stands silent. Large. Alone. Maybe it is biding its time. Maybe it has something planned. Maybe it is hoping it, too, could move along with its insides.

The children may be silent. The girl may still just be waiting in increased desolation. Maybe.

We can only wait and see.

Most people are afraid of public speaking. There is a difference between talking about nothing to whole bunch of strangers and talking with a purpose to a whole bunch of strangers.

Talking to strangers does not bother me. What does bother me is the act of performing. Even if I can sing, the moment I have to sing in public, my voice actually croaks. Just as I'll dance but if you pay me any attention while I dance, I'll dance wrong. Clubbing is different. Any idiot can go clubbing. In fact, I have seen some idiots dancing at clubs.

So tonight, I have to do two things. One, I actually have to be a dessert princess who has fallen in love with a man who can't choose between two women. So much so that the women went to war over him. It's something I'll personally never do but for the sake of my speech project, I'll do it.

The other thing I need to do is lead a few people who have never bellydanced in a belly dancing routine. Aaarrggh! If I wasn't too tired to scream and fret about it, I would.

So I'm nervous as hell and the only thing that keeps me calm now is the fact that nobody will know I've done anything wrong unless I tell them. Haha! The first rule of public speaking - Nobody knows you've made a mistake unless you tell them.

And tonight, I ain't telling.

I haven't been updating because I've been either too tired to do so or too lazy. I haven't even been checking my emails either.

Anyway, there's a lot going on with me these few days. It's the school holidays but I've been going in to work because we're in the process of moving campus. Anyone who has ever moved house before can imagine what it's like but multiply it by at least 5 or 10 more. Since I was not sure what time exactly the movers would move my stuff, I went in early this morning to move some of my lighter things. So I managed to get 6 out of the 11 boxes over to the new campus. And when I got there, I proceeded to unpack and put things aside. Then, after lunch, I went back to the campus and helped the administrative staff to organise the hundreds of keys to the hundreds of new cabinets. All in all, I only left the school at 6 p.m.

I went to Shook's place to shower and we went to buy a roll of ribbons for me to use as borders on the diplay boards. Then I went to meet up with Gette. After that, I went to sit and watch the guys play Munchkin or something like that. At this point, I was barely intelligent and whatever I said was forgotten the following minute. But the cards had pictures so it was easy.

By the time I got home, (after being out for 12 hours!) I was sleepy but I needed to finish editing a booklet. Now I'm not so sleepy anymore.

And, when I'm alone, I think about things I have no right to interfere with and I get a little depressed. But as Shook says it, love hurts. And as I like to say it, we do what we can for those we truly love.

Not even the glorious eye candy of 300 was enough to cheer me up for long. Then again, if I was at the age when half-naked, buffed, violent men turned me on, I'd be a puddle on the nasty cineplex floor. As it is, I enjoyed and appreciated. I intend to buy the DVD with all possible extras when it does come out.

Tomorrow, I go back to work to push myself physically and then tomorrow night, I'll go make my monodrama speech. And then I'll go home and collapse into bed before I strangle a certain individual who has selective understanding.

Other than that, I refuse to think or feel. I just don't want to. Not yet.

I got tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I still feel the depression waiting at the fringes of my mind, as if it's waiting to pounce on me the moment I let my guard down.

But I got tired of giving in to it. I'm really quite annoyed with myself right now. I'm annoyed that I let my emotions take over, that I let my hormones take such control of me. I know I can overcome this and, bloody hell, I will!

So, despite waking up with a bad headache this morning, I went to work and worked all through the day non-stop. I didn't even take a break during the break and lunch times. At break time, I worked on a handbook at my computer (same handbook I've been working on during all of my free time at school) and during lunch, I did my yard duty and went to help my students raise money by having a car wash. So I washed cars today. Helped a lot with the angst and depression. Then after school, I went to a staff meeting during which, quite honestly, nothing much made sense to me because I was so dazed.

I decided not to stop even when I got home. My mind is still going and my body is still on the move. As soon as I'm done with this post, I'm going to grab a steak from the kitchen, enjoy it then run out to go bother Shook. I'm at the point where I refuse to think of why I'm feeling so pessimistic about myself and where I'm headed. If I start to think about it, I'll go into a manic depression, I believe. I might end up actually hurting someone. The last time I felt so strongly about this, I had to call Art to stop me from running my car off the bridge. Before that, I was in Michigan and I picked up my housemate by his throat and threw him out of the house because he pissed me off. I think I remember our other housemates yelling at me to put him down because he was turning purple. I know he had a bruised neck for a week and some of our friends felt I did the right thing. Yep, they all hated him.

I've had no social contact for three days now. I'm either at work where I don't socialise anyway because it's just a waste of time, or at home where I'm always in my room. Sometimes, my sisters' voices irritate me so I watch a movie or a downloaded show instead.

I think isolating myself works. I stop thinking of whys and what-ifs. I refuse to think of friendships and relationships. I just stick to my own little world for awhile just to get my balance back.

If you're wondering whether I've tried talking to anyone, my next question is who? I'm one of those people who can't share what she actually feels. What I show, what I say to others, is seldon what I really, really feel. My hatreds scare even me so I don't share them with anyone. Same about my angers. Even my joys I don't share because sometimes people are too wrapped up in themselves to listen to me. So I don't tell.

Oh...on a different note, Macavity was sent to the groomers yesterday. We followed the groomer's advice and sent him early in the afternoon as requested because the groomer was not so sure how he'll behave. Turns out, he was fine and came home with shorter nails and hair and a nice smell. He 's also got a collar now which he seems happy with. My parents said he looks much happier now because we're all over him. Brat!

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting now and going to grab that steak.

Oh, I finally drew something. Actually, I drew it and then coloured it in oil pastels. I took a photo but I'm too lazy to put it up. And I've got the strong urge to write a story or a poem even. Damn! It's the depression talking. I only write poems when I'm really depressed. Damn!

Going to hope that Shook can cheer me up now.

I'm feeling very demotivated today. I'm not sure why. I'm almost sure it's PMS raising its ugly head but I've had this feeling before and I just couldn't determine if it's connected to my hormones.

The thing is whenever I get this feeling, I just have the overwhelming urge to quit my job and take a sabbatical from the workforce. However, we all know I do not have this luxury. Not only will my parents not quite understand (not that I've tried asking) but I also know that sitting at home doing nothing but stare at the computer or TV will definitely drive me crazy. And, I just have too many things to pay for to quit my job.

I do know that I've been getting this feeling more and more often these few weeks. I'm just tired, I guess. I'm tired of office politics, and teachers who have nothing better to do than gossip about other people, of being nagged, of being made to feel obligated to do anything, of being made to feel like I have to give in. I'm just tired of many things. Above all, I'm tired of hurting. My feelings get hurt more often now by people who don't seem to think I have feelings too. Although I've never been clinical diagnosed as suicidal or depressed, I still do realise that this feeling is enough to make anyone depressed. Suicide is a thought but never more than that. I tried it once and, believe me, once really is enough.

I suppose I can safely say that I'm depressed. I truly know no way to overcome it. I'm hoping it's just hormones and it will go away soon. Because right now, I feel like nothing can ever make me happy and nobody cares enough to try. And I hate this feeling.

Or I am really just mentally tired.

I was watching Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time today when for some reason I decided to read the credits. There is a song in there which I really liked and I wanted to know who sings it.

To my amazement, it listed Hayden Panettiere as the singer. So I googled it and found a lot of things.

One is the music video and the other is apparently her official myspace website.

But whatever it is, she has the typical Disney soundtrack singer voice. So she is the most appropriate person to be singing all these songs. Here's another one and another one.

She's a composer and a singer and an actress. I never expected this. I'm never watching Heroes the same way again

Enjoy!

I was standing outside Shook's house tonight, watching the fireworks coming from the neighbours' house.

Between Shook and his dad, I learnt that the neighbours are firing the expensive fireworks. And I believe them because these fireworks are gorgeous. Shook called them a name that I can't recall right now. But they break into little glitters of light like stars and they're mullti-coloured. The ones I love most start out plain old white and then explode into purple then break up into small glittering stars. I was standing at the door grinning like an idiot, just totally fascinated and in love with the show of fireworks.

Sometimes, it is good to still be enchanted by silly little things like fireworks. You end up feeling almost child-like. Another plus is that, if you can retain this outlook on things, nobody would be able to guess your true age or even tell you that your age is showing. Haha!

Another thing that sort of made me go all gooey and squee inside is that Shook joined my family for our traditional reunion dinner on Saturday night. I think he's getting the idea that we might not be perfect but we get along pretty okay. And also, my 3 month old niece is totally enchanted by him. She giggle and gurgles at him. How unusual is that!

So...yeah...squee moments even in the midst of the 'war' of fireworks outside.

Anyway, I spent all day today visiting and I should be tired. I was earlier but I had to finish an assignment to be uploaded and submitted tomorrow...errr, today. I am also having breakfast with my cousins in the morning. So I should go to sleep.

Oh well! Happy Chinese New Year to everyone!

I took this picture a few Christmases ago. The ornament was hanging on a tree at a hotel I was staying at.

It was so eye-catching that I just had to snap a photo of it.

It's that time of the year again. It's when I get cynical about relationships even though I am in one myself.

Seriously, I've heard it time and time again. People say that today is the day to appreciate those we care for, those we love. And when I ask them about the other days in the year, they say I'm jaded. They also say that they appreciate their loved ones other days too but today they show it.

To me, there's no such thing. You love someone, you show them. You care for people, you show them through your daily actions. Even if you fight and then you make up, it's still showing that you care enough to try. You remember their sorrows, their joys. You remember their special days and their unhappy ones. You share and you care. All that, I believe in.

I don't believe in grand gestures or public declarations. Those work well in the movies but then the movies make money out of them. I don't believe in overwhelming number of flowers, chocolates and candies. I don't believe in presents that come once a year or even dinners that only happen once a year. I don't believe in popping your head out once a year just to see if someone is out there waiting for you. I don't even believe in those sentimental text messages specially designed for today coming from people who never, ever text me without wanting a favour.

I do believe in love. I do believe we need to show people we care for them anytime of the year. I do believe that when you find the one you're meant to be with, things will fall into place for you, even if the one is not who you expected it to be. I believe in destiny. I believe in karma.

I've said it before and I will say it again. Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday. It's a day so commercialised that I now roll my eyes at it and secretly laugh at people's tendencies to get dragged away by it. I know I would use today as an excuse to catch up with friends and have a nice night out. But then again, I use such excuses every chance I get anyway. So today is nothing more than another day for me.

Because, you see, I love Shook and I know he loves me. And, I had a wonderful surprise when Rin messaged me last night to ask us to join them for dinner tonight. So, between the three of us, we care for each other. We may sometimes get on each other's nerves but we care. And that's what love is.

Not all those flowers, and candies, and chocolates, and stupid overly emotional text messages from people who don't even know how to care for anyone except themselves.

I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. It helps me to see if I'm too judgemental or quite right in trusting my instincts. So far, my instincts win hands down. I believe I know people well enough through watching them and interacting with them. A good person cannot hide how good they are just as a bad person cannot hide how bad they truly are.

The bitches in us are actually to hide how easily we can be hurt while the assholes in some guys are actually to hide how much they need to be loved and understood. On the other end of the extreme, there are some guys who claim to be nice but are really insufferable jerks.

So, when I see these people, I watch them, I try and talk to them and, above all, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, I get tired of their bad vibes and just don't bother with them. Or I get attracted to their good vibes and keep trying to pull them out of their shells. A lot of times, I am right in my decisions about people. There's been only one or two occasions when I am proven wrong. But I don't talk to those people anymore and neither do I even acknowledge they exist so my problem is solved.

Anyway, I just want to acknowledge tonight that I have a colleague who seems to must have the limelight only on her. When she has a problem with her other colleagues, it's a major issue. She's so stressed and wants to change jobs and can't trust them so don't you trust them yadda yadda yadda. But when I have a problem of trust with a colleague, all she says is 'Don't care about them lah! I also don't care anymore.'

So your problem needs to be aired while mine gets shoved as irrelevant?! Oh, thank you so much! See if I trust you anymore!

Oh, and also, she's so gleeful and showy when the guys are paying her attention. But when they pay attention to someone else, she criticises that person for wanting their attention. My first thought is 'Huh?'

Oh, I'm just ranting. I know she has a self-esteem problem and feels the need for attention and all that. But it just doesn't help how I feel right now.If you feel that you're important that I need to listen to you, then at least pay me the courtesy of listening to me when I need it as well.

I've always believed that I solve my problems by helping others solve theirs. When I've solved theirs, I feel so good about myself that my problems become insignificant. But some people aren't worth helping. Because they don't know how to return the favour.

Some of us are trying to be good people. If we really are all bad, how come some of us have better luck in our lives than others? Those of us who are trying to be good do have good things happen to us. Karma, remember?

I finally managed to download sTabLauncher today. I'm not even going to bother to link it here because the bandwidth is constantly exceeded. I think they've been having the problem since Lifehacker reviewed them. I had to download it from a different site. But I did manage to go to the cached site to grab a few skins. If anyone wants it, let me know. I can find a way to send you the files. Or you could Google for it and get it off one of those software download sites. That's how I did it.

Overall, I like it. It's not as fancy as RocketDock or anything but it's very customisable. It's also less taxing on the system. Right now, it sits at the top of my screen like a colourful ghost waiting to be 'brushed' into action.

I was talking to one of my colleagues and referred to my class as the stage for the Bold and the Beautiful. As soon as I said it, I realised how true it was. But on a high school scale.

I have one guy who believes he is in love with a girl but the girl swears she hates him. Apparently, he 'cheated' on her by going out with another girl. Now, this guy is a very nice bad boy. He cares for his friends, he cherishes his girlfriends, he's the shoulder everyone knows they can cry on. He will also fight for his beliefs and rushes to defend anyone who cannot defend themselves. He is just an all-around nice guy. But at the same time, he qualifies as a bad boy. He drinks, smokes, has many girlfriends at once, he races. Yet his own shoulders carry his own burdens. So he's distracted by this girl and his friends make it worst when they tell him she looks at him when he's not looking at her.

Then I have the young love couple. Both deny they're dating yet both act more lovey-dovey than Shook and I do! They are the scary ones because they tend to disappear into the fire escape stairwell. Out of sight = possible trouble.

And I have the 'rock' band members. They are the ones who must have a guitar in their hands at all possible times or else they might expire from lack of music. So I get entertained by the occasional Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, classical guitar tunes and oldies. Once in a while, Elvis shows up.

I also have the biologically a teenager but mentally an 8 year old student and I also have the biologically pre-teen but mentally young adult student.

And, of course, what classroom is complete without the slacker?

I have them all. Keeping an eye on all of them is what drains me. So do I like being nagged outside like I get at school? Do I want to talk about school when I'm out and about at night?

I love my kids but not that much :)

Since I got my car back, I've been reluctant to drive it fast because it seems to have caught some sort of clanging virus while it was at the workshop. I have this fear that, with all the clickety clack, my car might actually break apart and come to pieces on me if I drive it fast.

But tonight, I got angry on the way home from Shook's house. There are some very, very stupid assholes at night on that road from Shook's house to mine. As opposed to any other time, I tend to take the new Matang road home nowadays because it's one straight line to the roundabout and, therefore, a faster way home.

When I came out of the junction from Shook's house, I saw this small car, with fog lights (I told you they're stupid!!) accelerating because the driver saw me coming out. However, I couldn't accelerate because I was behind another modified car. So, I had small car behind me tailgating me because I was slow while I was stuck behind a two-toned orangey car that was tailgating the car in front of him because that car was going slow.

I know Two-toned was getting annoyed because he kept accelerating to prove a point but had to brake because the car in front of him was not going any faster. So, at the roundabout, Two-toned shot out to the outer lane and I followed behind him thinking he'd be fast. Meanwhile, the Smally behind me decided to try and get past me on the inner lane. So there I was going round the roundabout with Penis Envy on my left and Two-toned in front of me.

At this point, I realised neither one was actually going fast. They were just faster than the car that was holding us all back on the new Matang road. So, since both Penis Envy and Two-toned were just trying to show they could go fast without actually going fast (being modified and all that, they must be thinking they are fast!) and they couldn't seem to keep to any particular lane, I decided to pass them both. Now Penis Envy decided he was not going to let me pass and I saw that Two-toned was too slow for me.

So I did what Shook tends to do. I squeezed my car just between both of them with about an inch on either side and floored my accelerator. I was doing 150km per hour when I suddenly decided to check my speed!

By then, I had lost sight of both cars in my rear view mirror and I was also already near the junction towards the road to my house. I think they were still on the way to the bridge at that point.

But, much to my relief, my car didn't break into pieces and it actually got heavier, meaning I had more stability. And I managed to run my car at the same time.

And a thought occured to me that, instead of hiding the fact that my car is driven by a female, I'm tempted to make it look distinctively female just so that I could make some dumb men feel smaller. I mean, bullies will always pick on someone smaller than they are. So who am I to feel bad if I make them look as small as they are? Just because you modify your car or you have huge speakers and amplifiers or your car is two-toned or it sounds louder does not mean you know how to drive fast and safe.

I just realised that my template only looks really nice when it's read using a widescreen monitor. I'll adjust it as soon as I can.

Anyway, the reason for this blog post is a new Malay movie titled Qabil Khushry Qabil Igam. As soon as Shook pointed the trailer out to me, I was immediately struck by the similarity to the Hindi movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. And when we went to the website, there was even a mention there of the similarities.

However, I'm not here to diss the movie or the plot or anything since Malay and Hindi movies are long known for their tendencies to copy each other and English movies.

What I am here for is to bring attention to the website itself. Go to the English version and click on the Synopsis and read that. I tell you. It is hilarious! I suspect that whoever wrote the synopsis took the Malay version, sent it to Babel Fish and pasted the translation onto the website. Or even worst, did not use Babel Fish and decided they knew English well enough to write an English version.

To give you an idea of how bad it is, here's an excerpt:
But these boys are naughty but not as worst as swallowing a human alive. Yes, even their names are suppose to portray as good boys, they can be sitting down politely, as if they want to become a women?

It gets worst. But it is worth going to if you need a good laugh and want to give our Education Ministry a good scare.

Just when I thought the website couldn't get worst, I went to the Malay version and it's horrible! Even in Malay, the writer of the synopsis spoils it! How on earth can you get people to go to the movie if the website sucks so bad?

Here's the same excerpt in Malay:
Tapi jahat diorang idak ler sampai nak telan orang idup-idup. Yer ler, nama pun budak laki-laki, kalau nak duduk bertimpuh sopan santun, baik ler jadi pompuan kan?

I had a 'what the...?' moment. It's just so very unprofessional. Which is sad since the website looks very nice.

I thought this qualified as a strange thing to see. Have you ever seen jelly shaped quite like that and that tail?

I spent the entire weekend going up to the airport and coming back down again. It was exhausting. I have parents who go up and down the plane the same way us regular mortals go in and out of our cars! It's not frustrating or anything. It's just tiring for the rest of us who need to keep up with them. And we're half their age!

I wanted to sit in on an RPG game last night but I was so tired from work that I even fell asleep in the car when I was accompanying my mom to the doctor. So I figured there was no way I'm driving anywhere on my own. Tonight, I might join them because I need the Game Master's help for school.

Today, I opened a can of worms. Much to my delight, and chagrin, my students grabbed the assignment and are running with it! What do I mean? Well, our next chapter in the lesson is all about castles. So I divided them into 2 groups. Each group has a 'Lord'. His job now is to design his castle, expand his military and assign duties to his 'people'. The thing is they got so enthusiastic about it that I now need to throw in some rules and regulations. So I need to limit their growth possibilities. In other words, I've managed to create the first pen-and-paper RPG group for my school! So I'm going to take a page out of Age of Empires and throw it at them!

I may have also mentioned that after one month of planning, they will attack each other on a turn basis. I forgot the exact term for that. So I now need to assign numbers just like RPG. But without dice. At least, I hope I can avoid using dice.

Dang! I need an in-house Game Master soon!

What have I done?!

Haha!! But it's fun to see them wheeling and dealing. Boys who normally use rough words and fists now have to negotiate and persuade. It's funny.

I had some other news to share but I'll keep it for later.

Blame it on my love for trucks, or semis, as the Americans call it.

But I want this dock. It's so cool!

I'm at work and supposed to be marking my students' assignments. Instead, what am I doing?

Blogging!

I feel so guilty. But you know what they say about guilt....Guilty pleasures and all those lovely things. Haha!

Actually, I just realised that I am allowed to hook up to the wireless network. So I hooked up and went nuts!

I shall now upload the one picture I've been talking about uploading. Then, if I have time, I'll change my template.

For now, heeeeere's Yodie!!!



Narrator's voice: Wearing her dream collar, Yodie is a lady who loves the glamourous life and hopes to get her very own sleeping pad soon. Yet, she doesn't begrudge the fact that she has to sleep with her 'man', her god! She is grateful to her servants and occasionally, presents them with her favourite hunt. The cost of the odd lizard or two doesn't worry her. She knows giving is better than receiving. Yodies loves the outdoors; wet or dry. She enjoys the fact that she has a personalised menu in her home. Once in a while, she will deign to be nice to the odd stranger or so. But she guards her own well and will not think twice to hiss at those with less than honourable intentions.

I came home from work today to see Astro Max decoders everywhere. There was one downstairs in our dining room, one more in the family living room and another in my parents' bedroom. Personally, I don't think it's anything to scream about because I rarely even know what's going on on Astro anyway. Until I do come across a show I just cannot live without, then maybe I'll find the Astro Max worth it. Until then, I'll watch repeats or wait for someone to tell me what I missed. Or download!

I was really sick over the weekend. I got caught in the heavy rain on Friday night and was walking around with wet feet and wearing wet clothes. I would have showered at Shook's place if I even thought to bother. But by the time we finished dinner and Rin came and sat with us, I was already feeling too drowsy and warm to make much of an effort. I was already sneezing all day that day and I was feverish by the time Shook sent me home that night. So by Saturday morning, I was burning up and feeling generally miserable. Luckily, I had some leftover antibiotics and fever medication. I did insist on going out for dinner that night with my parents but I actually fell asleep on one of the sofas in the hotel waiting area.

The only good thing about the weekend bout of fever was that I lost my appetite. I went without food all day Monday and Tuesday. And when I say I went without food, I really mean it. I ate nothing all day. I know some people's idea of not eating all day means they didn't eat a full plate of rice with all the trimmings. I only drank. Until Shook took me to buy kebabs last night. And I had one of the kebabs for lunch today. So appetite gone but thirst up the wazoo.

And now, I'm waiting to get paid so that I could go have salad at Tao. Hee! Hee!

Oh, I was surfing the web aimlessly tonight when I came across an article which said : "Most people think that we use protein to build strong muscles. The truth is that we use Amino acids to create the proteins we need to build strong muscles and every other part of the body. Our bodies have to break down the protein that we consume into its individual amino acids before we can use it. This process is supposed to happen in the digestive system. It has a hard time converting deranged protein into usable amino acids.The best sources for amino acids, to build strong bodies, are vegetables and fruits. The lowly lettuce salad has more usable protein in the form of amino acids than a stake. Because most plant foods have the protein in the form we need the body has less work to do to digest the food."

It's fascinating. I always knew meat was dangerous because it gives people gout. But I also thought it helped give energy. Then I see that vegetables do it just as well. Thanks goodness I'm an omnivore! And then there's this. And the cause.

The things I read to impress my students...haha!

In other bits of my life, I am still car-less. Apparently, I will be until this coming weekend...I hope. If I'm still car-less next week, I think my father will start getting edgy. I'm going out for dinner this Saturday night. Shook's been invited along. It's my family's usual birthday dinner. We can't have it exactly on the 21st because my parents have been invited to Jennifer Jabu's wedding reception.

Oh, I absolutely love Shook's car's new midnight blue colour. My car will be platinum silver with blue dust. Can't wait to see it!

Anyway, I think it's time I went to bed. Tomorrow is another long day for me.

My school just bought the Nikon D40. I've been playing with it because, I'm the only one of three people allowed to use it. And at this moment, I'm the only one who has the time and interest to make use of it.

It is a beautiful camera. It's one of those cameras that make you want to take up photography as a hobby because no matter how you point the dang thing, the picture still comes out beautiful. So when you add just a little more thought and care into what you're shooting the result is insane.

The other day, I took a shot of the school corridor and the result was creepy yet fascinating. I will try to put the photo up tomorrow once I transfer it out of my laptop.

But, heck, I love that camera. If anyone wants to know what I really, really want for my birthday/wedding gift/Christmas present this year, this camera would be it!

First I was getting impatient with Blogger for not letting me log in through my site. Then just as I was about to give up and concentrate on Supernatural, the window suddenly pops up to show me that I'm in my Blogger dashboard.

Which is the exact same moment, the rain fell and my modem started blinking.

Sometimes, I just want to give up and say 'You win!'.

...But I will be back because I'm stubborn that way.

One way or another, I will blog today.

Have you seen the new Fantastic Four movie trailer yet? The Silver Surfer looks so cool! I've always been fascinated by him but I was also always distracted by Superman and Wonder Woman.

I wanted to upload some pictures of Yodie but I suddenly remembered that I need to resize them first. Maybe I'll do that later in the day.

Oh, did anyone catch the news the other night about this family of thieves and robbers? I find this very interesting. It piques my interest not because it's crime-related but because it has all the makings of a fascinating movie. It's like the Malaysian version of the Kelly gang or the James brothers. What is actually sad is that everyone is so busy writing the great Malaysian novel (as opposed to the great American novel) or making the great Malaysian sopa opera that they don't notice bits of news like this. Don't even mention D.Y. to me because I still believe he is a racist and that his movies are not worth any acclaim. He's like the Ed Woods of Malaysia...only worst. I can't even begin to tell how much I dislike him.

There was a list of movies I wanted to write here that I am so looking forward to this year. There's the Transformers movie, Shrek 3, The Dark Knight and a few more. I'll put up links when I find the links again.

It's late and parents are home. This means breakfast in the morning. So I'm off to bed.

Oh, Shook was grumpy because he's sick. The poor baby!

Other than being on an emotional rollercoaster this week, I've been driven nuts by the internet. I can access the webpages but some of them come out all weird. And I don't think they're even considered heavy graphics page. Pages like the blogger sign-in page and the scrape torrent page.

Oh, anyway. I went to my ex-boss's other house last night. It's the same house my co-ordinator is living in. He's either renting it from her or just living there, I'm not sure. However, he just got back from Australia and the one thing I like about going there for anything is that I get lots of alcohol. Haha! He brings back the liqueur I like and he had new stock of Absolute vodka and brandy (can't remember which brand. Could be Jack Daniels). So I never got the same drink twice last night. As soon as I got there, I was handed a lychee mix drink. As soon as I was done, which wasn't too long later, I got a pina colada. Then it was a margarita. Then I got a brandy coke mix. At this point, we were laughing and joking around. Occasionally, we talked about the students and our first three days back at work. Most of the time, we just picked on each other. Suffice to say that when I drove home at midnight, I was more tipsy that my two colleagues. I had to send them home so I was driving very carefully.

I fell asleep as soon as I got home because I had to wake up at 6 today to send my parents to the airport. Yeah, they go up and down planes the way some people use the bus! After that, I came back to sleep again.

Somewhere in there, I dreamt that Shook was angry with me. I have no idea why. So when I called him and he sounded pissy, guess who got too scared to push? Also, I don't know why he's pissy. I suppose I should know since I am supposed to be psychic and all.

Oh, do you know that there is a stall at Majang Jaya that sells doughnuts made out of char koi dough? It's pretty good because it's covered in castor sugar and powdered milk mix. Well, either it was really very good or I was hungrier than I thought when my sisters bought it for me. I think I'll consider getting more before going to see Shook later. Might as well face him rather than sit here and worry about it!

Anyway, I had a good end to an extremely tiring week. I've paid my sleep debt. And I still have no car!! I can borrow my sister's but it's not my car!! Sun, shine brighter and longer, please!

I think sometimes people have this inability to say 'thank you' or to even think beyond themselves alone. I understand when people can't say 'please' or ask for help. I've had my proud moments when I've refused to ask for help even when I'm struggling. Come to think of it, if I get insulted everytime I ask for help, I suppose it explains why I don't ask for help.

Anyway, getting back to the original topic. I don't understand what's so difficult about saying 'thank you' or thinking about what someone else wants rather than what only you want. It's like buying someone a present. You'd like to buy them something they might want rather than just for the sake of it. I enjoy buying my friends little things. Usually, when I see those things and I think of them, I buy them the things. But if they're going to complain about being bought things they don't want or things that mean nothing to them, I suppose it's logical for me to be very reluctant to buy them anything anymore. It's especially worst when I ask them whether they'll like it and the reply I get is 'It's just a thing. Who cares what it looks like.'

Well, the thing is I care. I like buying things for people I care for. But if they don't care enough then it makes me wonder 'Why bother?'

I'm one of those people who was brought up to be optimistic. To do good things so that good things will come to me. I still practise this. So far, nothing very bad has happened to me. I believe this is because I don't wish ill on anyone. Even when people eat my food despite me telling them it's my only meal of the day and they finish the food, I keep quiet. If they want to be thoughtless, it's their problem. I'll just go find more food. I can afford it.

The thing is when Eric used to talk about karma, I was the only one who agreed with him. I can because it's happened to me and to my family so many times. We never want for anything in my house because my father believes in sharing. Even when I got fired from my last school I was happy because I've been trying to figure out how to tell my last school's principal I was leaving because I got a better job offer. Besides, she was a terrible boss and I was happy to leave anyway. I just needed a way to leave while still being able to keep my three months' pay. But, I got fired so I managed to keep the money and still got a job the following month.

And people are forever sending us food because my father is forever giving other people food. He helps them sometimes too much.

The thing is I don't like being made to feel like a fool or a dumbass when I know I'm not. I like being nice and I like being kind. But not when I'm taken advantage of. I will share the food if they will share the cost. If you ask me for something, I'd not likely say no. But please, return the favour or try to consider my feelings for it. Don't make me feel bad for being nice.

I also know that I am fairly intelligent. I just don't like to brag because I know people who brag or show-off will one day find themselves with their feet in their mouths. I listen because I like to learn. I ask when I don't know. If I know I wouldn't ask. I say something when I have something to say. I try not to repeat myself because I don't want to bore myself by hearing my own voice all the time. I enjoy laughing with friends who don't take themselves too seriously or think only they are right.

I have a job I enjoy. (I know someone who changed jobs so many times that I'm not sure if any company wants to employ her anymore. Sad end for a lawyer.)

I love my family. (Some of them annoy me but I can't pick my relatives. I can hate them but I can't disown them.)

I love spending time with my parents. Unlike a lot of people I know, I actually love being with my parents. They support me and they are the stability I need in my life. They taught me how to make right decisions and to stand by my decisions and to learn from my mistakes.

I love who I am. I have a job. I have two arms, two legs, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, two ears, a brain and I'm better off than others who don't have those same things. My car really is mine. It has my name on it. I have debts I'm slowly paying off. I don't give crappy advice. I listen and analyse before I do give advice. I feel bad for my friends who have made the wrong decisions but I respect their need to stand by their decisions. I wish I could help them but I understand their need to not want help.

Despite all this, I don't understand why people are so mean to me and so thoughtless. I hope they know that they've hurt me yet I wonder why they do it anyway.

A careless word leaves a scar that is eternal. It makes people wary and shy. To some, this wariness shows stupidity. To me, it just holds true that once bitten does indeed make you twice shy.

The template was changed again for two reasons. One, it's a new year and two, it's my birthday month, or birth month, whichever way you want to see it. The template's still a bit off somehow but I've not been working on it really hard. Plus the internet connection is still a little unstable that I just quickly check my emails then log off to be safe.

I was out at MoJo with Gette tonight. She introduced me to two of her friends, Maggie and Brenda. They are two hilarious ladies, I tell ya. I had a great time with them. It's been awhile since I had a great time with anyone. We talked about almost everything under the sun. In tonight's case, it was everything under the chaotic looking lamp shades. And best of all, none of us were afraid to admit that yes, we listen to the soundtrack of High School Musical and we know the words and yes, we get scared by certain horror movies and no, we refuse to read reviews before we watch a movie. Oh, and also, yes, for the right price, I'll take the humpalot. Incidentally, that last line was a quote from Gette.

Tonight was a very good girls' night out. Best part is we didn't even talk about guys. Brad Pitt, Clive Owen and Craig Daniel don't count!

I miss girls' nights out. And I miss having my opinions respected and listened to instead of being shot down point blank or even before I utter them. Tonight, I was not shy to admit that I have no idea what that actor's name is or where he last acted in or who directed that movie or even that I think Keanu Reeves not only looks better than Jay Chou, he acts better too.

I had fun tonight. So I was very glad I decided to go with Gette to MoJo.

P.S.: I still can't believe I dreamt about Craig Daniel as Shook as James Bond. Haha!