Imagine having heightened senses of smell and sound.
Imagine being surrounded by emotional and noisy teenagers whose bodies are also in the midst of changes therefore making their chemical make-up very erratic.
Imagine having problems sitting for too long and standing for too long.
Imagine having to sit in a really uncomfortable plastic chair while doing work that needs to be done.
Imagine having to hide when you're trying to take a quick nap because you are surrounded by people who think they are infinitely more virtuous and more hardworking than you.
Imagine your body metabolism increasing to cope with the new arrangements so fatigue is always at your heels.
Imagine such changes in your body making you feel very uncomfortable and miserable that all you want to do is find a sterile place where neither worry nor pain nor ache nor smell nor noise can reach you.
Above all, imagine yourself being surrounded by people who are too helpful or too self-absorbed.
Once you have done all these, then maybe, just maybe, you'll have an inkling to what I am going through every single day.
Maybe then you'll understand why I want to be with Shook all day every day because he is the only one who can help stabilise my body and my senses.
Maybe then you'll understand why I avoid doing certain things or going to certain places. It's not because I have an aversion to it or I don't miss it. It's because I find that I'd rather play it safe by not smelling certain things or hearing certain sounds than risk throwing up right into my plate or, worst yet, into someone else's plate.
Sometimes, I want to be selfish and say 'To hell with everyone who expect me to do what they want to do. To hell with everyone who want me to sacrifice my time for them. And, most of all, to hell with me spending my money on other people. I might as well spend it on me going to see Shook!'.
But, unfortunately, I was not brought up to be selfish. If I was, I would not have allowed Shook to stay at home before he left for Bintulu for his pilot license. I acknowledged that his parents and his sister will want to send time with him as well. Hell, I even sacrificed time with him so he could spend it with Yodie, who isn't even his! As near as Bintulu is, at that time, we were not sure if he could ever come home or if I could ever make arrangements to go see him. Even now, his breaks are shorter and further apart. And he allows me to be selfish so since I am an obedient wife, I will do as he asks.
But I am not cranky except in bursts of mood swings. However, I am always on the verge of tears probably because I am too used to keeping all my emotions inside. The hormonal changes are screwing up my self-control. I cried watching 27 Dresses, which isn't a tearjerker at all.
On the plus side, I'm going to see Shook this weekend and he's hopefully, fingers crossed, going to join us for the opening of Parliament. And I'm trying to get him home for Gawai but I might also drag him somewhere during that break.
Notice how most of my entries nowadays are very Shook-oriented? Just the way I like it, damnit! Luckily, I'm only doing it after we got married. I guess it's because I'm more secure about us now than ever before.
I seldom talked much about Shook before because imagine having to sit with someone who only gush about their partner or lover as if they have nothing else to talk about? I had to do that a lot in the US. I think I even knew the penis size of one of my housemates' boyfriend, which is way more information than I would ever want to know. And because she was American, I felt safe in telling her that I would have died just as happy not knowing that bit of information! Or even how they had sex. I mean, really. What are you trying to prove?
And this entry is just me venting and ranting. With a slight smile on my face. Because, despite my own emotional upheaval, Yati made my day by putting up a picture of Ewan McGregor on her blog. I love that woman.
Imagine being surrounded by emotional and noisy teenagers whose bodies are also in the midst of changes therefore making their chemical make-up very erratic.
Imagine having problems sitting for too long and standing for too long.
Imagine having to sit in a really uncomfortable plastic chair while doing work that needs to be done.
Imagine having to hide when you're trying to take a quick nap because you are surrounded by people who think they are infinitely more virtuous and more hardworking than you.
Imagine your body metabolism increasing to cope with the new arrangements so fatigue is always at your heels.
Imagine such changes in your body making you feel very uncomfortable and miserable that all you want to do is find a sterile place where neither worry nor pain nor ache nor smell nor noise can reach you.
Above all, imagine yourself being surrounded by people who are too helpful or too self-absorbed.
Once you have done all these, then maybe, just maybe, you'll have an inkling to what I am going through every single day.
Maybe then you'll understand why I want to be with Shook all day every day because he is the only one who can help stabilise my body and my senses.
Maybe then you'll understand why I avoid doing certain things or going to certain places. It's not because I have an aversion to it or I don't miss it. It's because I find that I'd rather play it safe by not smelling certain things or hearing certain sounds than risk throwing up right into my plate or, worst yet, into someone else's plate.
Sometimes, I want to be selfish and say 'To hell with everyone who expect me to do what they want to do. To hell with everyone who want me to sacrifice my time for them. And, most of all, to hell with me spending my money on other people. I might as well spend it on me going to see Shook!'.
But, unfortunately, I was not brought up to be selfish. If I was, I would not have allowed Shook to stay at home before he left for Bintulu for his pilot license. I acknowledged that his parents and his sister will want to send time with him as well. Hell, I even sacrificed time with him so he could spend it with Yodie, who isn't even his! As near as Bintulu is, at that time, we were not sure if he could ever come home or if I could ever make arrangements to go see him. Even now, his breaks are shorter and further apart. And he allows me to be selfish so since I am an obedient wife, I will do as he asks.
But I am not cranky except in bursts of mood swings. However, I am always on the verge of tears probably because I am too used to keeping all my emotions inside. The hormonal changes are screwing up my self-control. I cried watching 27 Dresses, which isn't a tearjerker at all.
On the plus side, I'm going to see Shook this weekend and he's hopefully, fingers crossed, going to join us for the opening of Parliament. And I'm trying to get him home for Gawai but I might also drag him somewhere during that break.
Notice how most of my entries nowadays are very Shook-oriented? Just the way I like it, damnit! Luckily, I'm only doing it after we got married. I guess it's because I'm more secure about us now than ever before.
I seldom talked much about Shook before because imagine having to sit with someone who only gush about their partner or lover as if they have nothing else to talk about? I had to do that a lot in the US. I think I even knew the penis size of one of my housemates' boyfriend, which is way more information than I would ever want to know. And because she was American, I felt safe in telling her that I would have died just as happy not knowing that bit of information! Or even how they had sex. I mean, really. What are you trying to prove?
And this entry is just me venting and ranting. With a slight smile on my face. Because, despite my own emotional upheaval, Yati made my day by putting up a picture of Ewan McGregor on her blog. I love that woman.
Comments (0)