Still Being Random

I trusted. My husband trusted.

Bitch snake screwed with the wrong people.

I'm not going to bother just yet but an animal deserves being clinically treated. So I will. I want to know what goes on in this animal's brain.

Why animal? Because nothing human would behave this way.

So I'll treat her like the animal she is. To be studied and prodded. If she gets humiliated and ridiculed, no skin off my nose. We trusted. You bit back. Now, we hammer you to bits.

You hurt those I love and I will treat you as you deserve. I curse you everyday that you will be repaid in kind for all that you've done.

And may you rot in that bloody Academy, never to leave because you are too incompetent and inefficient to do the work you're paid to do. And when my husband leaves, all his notes go with him, bitch!

ETA: Honestly, I just sound angry. I don't feel angry or even look angry. I guess I'm being a bit calculating and cold. My curse and my words were well thought off. Nothing impulsive at all.

Let me make one thing clear. I have never had anything anyone else wants before. Oh, they may want my life because of my parents being able to afford many things and the fact that I have a very good and easy understanding relationship with my parents. But those are not mine to give. I earned them fair and square and my parents' riches aren't exactly mine. I'm just at the right place at the right time.

But to actually have something that I worked hard to have, that's truly mine and nobody else's and it's something I will never voluntarily give away....I just find it gleeful that someone else might want it.

So, my 5-minute glee is this - he's mine, bitch. You want him, you got a helluva fight on your hands and I ain't never gonna make it easy for you. I'll drag your short fucking ass and name through the mud of society and everyone will know you for what you truly are before I am done. And if you think he is worth all the trouble, you better think about how you're treating him now if you believe he'll even leave me for the shameless, unintelligent, linguistically-challenged short likes of you! I will destroy you first. You have been warned!

And I don't make it a habit to make idle threats.

Imagine having heightened senses of smell and sound.

Imagine being surrounded by emotional and noisy teenagers whose bodies are also in the midst of changes therefore making their chemical make-up very erratic.

Imagine having problems sitting for too long and standing for too long.

Imagine having to sit in a really uncomfortable plastic chair while doing work that needs to be done.

Imagine having to hide when you're trying to take a quick nap because you are surrounded by people who think they are infinitely more virtuous and more hardworking than you.

Imagine your body metabolism increasing to cope with the new arrangements so fatigue is always at your heels.

Imagine such changes in your body making you feel very uncomfortable and miserable that all you want to do is find a sterile place where neither worry nor pain nor ache nor smell nor noise can reach you.

Above all, imagine yourself being surrounded by people who are too helpful or too self-absorbed.

Once you have done all these, then maybe, just maybe, you'll have an inkling to what I am going through every single day.

Maybe then you'll understand why I want to be with Shook all day every day because he is the only one who can help stabilise my body and my senses.

Maybe then you'll understand why I avoid doing certain things or going to certain places. It's not because I have an aversion to it or I don't miss it. It's because I find that I'd rather play it safe by not smelling certain things or hearing certain sounds than risk throwing up right into my plate or, worst yet, into someone else's plate.

Sometimes, I want to be selfish and say 'To hell with everyone who expect me to do what they want to do. To hell with everyone who want me to sacrifice my time for them. And, most of all, to hell with me spending my money on other people. I might as well spend it on me going to see Shook!'.

But, unfortunately, I was not brought up to be selfish. If I was, I would not have allowed Shook to stay at home before he left for Bintulu for his pilot license. I acknowledged that his parents and his sister will want to send time with him as well. Hell, I even sacrificed time with him so he could spend it with Yodie, who isn't even his! As near as Bintulu is, at that time, we were not sure if he could ever come home or if I could ever make arrangements to go see him. Even now, his breaks are shorter and further apart. And he allows me to be selfish so since I am an obedient wife, I will do as he asks.

But I am not cranky except in bursts of mood swings. However, I am always on the verge of tears probably because I am too used to keeping all my emotions inside. The hormonal changes are screwing up my self-control. I cried watching 27 Dresses, which isn't a tearjerker at all.

On the plus side, I'm going to see Shook this weekend and he's hopefully, fingers crossed, going to join us for the opening of Parliament. And I'm trying to get him home for Gawai but I might also drag him somewhere during that break.

Notice how most of my entries nowadays are very Shook-oriented? Just the way I like it, damnit! Luckily, I'm only doing it after we got married. I guess it's because I'm more secure about us now than ever before.

I seldom talked much about Shook before because imagine having to sit with someone who only gush about their partner or lover as if they have nothing else to talk about? I had to do that a lot in the US. I think I even knew the penis size of one of my housemates' boyfriend, which is way more information than I would ever want to know. And because she was American, I felt safe in telling her that I would have died just as happy not knowing that bit of information! Or even how they had sex. I mean, really. What are you trying to prove?

And this entry is just me venting and ranting. With a slight smile on my face. Because, despite my own emotional upheaval, Yati made my day by putting up a picture of Ewan McGregor on her blog. I love that woman.

I am in one of my picky moods. I want to eat but I don't feel like eating the food provided. I want to go out but I don't feel like going out to certain places. I want to meet friends but I can't decide which friends I want to spend time with. Worst of all, when friends don't call me to go out, I feel like going out. When I am out, I only want to go home.

It's a very annoying, frustrating moment. Nothing I do could make it any different.

The only time when I feel closest to being at peace with myself, is when I'm on the phone with Shook.

Something happened to me in Miri that scared even me. My mom called nagging me about the wedding preparations. When I told her that no matter what I do, it would still be pointless since I was in Miri, she replied with a very snarky 'I'm not the one getting married. And if you cannot get married on that day, it's not my problem.'

I felt like telling her that it was never my idea to get married. They took the choice out of my hands and ran with it. So why pick on me? At that moment, the first thought was one of absolute defeat. I had the thought that if I killed myself at that very moment, Shook would be free to find someone prettier, slimmer, smarter, my parents would only have 2 daughters to think about, there wouldn't be a wedding to get worked up over and I won't be alive to feel used and criticised and hated. Also, I won't be the shmuck who does everyone's dirty job while they rant about how ineffective what I had the guts to do was.

So, for half an hour, it felt like a win-win situation. But I would like to believe that Shook knew how I felt and kept trying to talk me out of the feeling. At one point, I know I zoned out and just functioned automatically. We were walking along the road in Miri and I was aimlessly walking towards the road. Until Shook pointed a car he said was a 'landak' (porcupine) with all the flags on the roof. That snapped me out of it and I had to laugh.

But it worries me that these mood swings happen every month now. And every month, I dictate a suicide note in my head and plan my own death. And through it all, I feel very much alone. So alone that I refuse to think about what Bernard always says because I can feel what he's saying.

I found this quotation : “Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” by Paul Tillich

This Facebook is evil when it is placed in the wrong hands. And the wrong hands today were mine.

I think there is something in the air because I am alternating between all-out murder, slipping into depression and rolling on the floor laughing.

After the bouts of laughter last night, I triggered another one today by going crazy on Facebook. There is an application on the site where you can send virtual drinks to the friends in your network. Well, the application starts with rather sober drinks like fuzzy water, strawberry punch, light beer and so on. After sending 5 drinks to 5 friends, you get an upgrade to Jack and Coke. So, a moment of insanity took over and I sent 5 drinks. After doing so, I realised that if I send another 5 drinks, I'll get a Long Island Ice Tea. The temptation was very great except that Rin and I were laughing so hard that I almost couldn't control my mouse. Besides which, I had a meeting to run to. So, for now, everyone is safe from me.

It was fun though to live vicariously through your Facebook account.

And all this, is after the bout that was triggered yesterday about camouflaging certain toys, which carried to a conversation last night about said toy and its many reincarnations.

On the plus side, laughter lets you live longer. I rather have laughter than tears. And in the mood swing I'm going through with my current state of being, I need the laughter to distract me.

Just when I am about to complain to Shook about Shook, he easily turns it around on me.

Last night, I was making a bit of noise about not being able to contact him from today until Wednesday. Today I got a message on my voice mail telling me his new temporary number. And just after he called me earlier this evening, I got a message from Rin saying Shook gave her his alternate number and sent hugs and kisses to Yodie.

So, when I called him later, my first question was 'How come Yodie gets hugs and kisses and I don't?'

I wasn't angling for a fight or anything. I was just teasing him. But the answer got me all weak inside. He replied 'No need to tell you. Yours are a given and automatic.'

How on earth can a person stay annoyed with someone like that? I wasn't even asking for a compliment or anything like that. But what I did get really whammied me between the eyes.

There are times when I've wondered if my job is worth it. I know I hardly ever bitch about it. That's because I generally love my work. Sometimes, it's the people that I need to deal with that makes it crappy.

But today, my work and energy that goes into it became all worth it. It was literally awesome. I am appreciated and it makes everything so much more meaningful.

I have single-handedly worked on the annual school yearbook or school magazine for the past 3 years. Some colleagues have said they'll help but when it came to the grunt work, they all conveniently disappeared saying they're busy. So, for 3 years, I've stayed quiet and I bore the burden alone. They complain and bitch about me behind my back about how grumpy and caustic I get when I'm working on it. Can you blame me? I lose sleep for the magazine! And I do everything and they still get the thanks as well.

Today, my new deputy Principal called me into his office. I thought I might have done something wrong or forgot to do something because he sounded so serious. As soon as I walked into his office, he made me sit down. I was so sure that I was done for then. Instead, he picked up the magazine and asked if it is true that I single-handedly worked on the magazine. I answered truthfully that I did. He then asked a whole lot of questions which I answered to the best of my knowledge. And when he asked why I did everything on my home computer insetad of at school where it should be done, I told him I always got the lousy computers that cannot carry the heavy load of desktop publishing.

That's when he just looked at me and said, "I'm in awe of you. I just cannot believe how one person can do this much work and not go crazy."

I just looked at him and said it was my job and I did it the best way I knew how. Then he admitted he's done that sort of work before and knew how much work it is. That's why he left it early in his career. He still couldn't believe I did it but he said this year he is going to help me. He also said he's going to help me get a better work computer so that I could work on the magazine at work. And he said he'll talk to our IT teacher to get some information on the software we have at school.

Later, at the staff meeting, he thanked me publicly for doing all that work. He started by asking if everyone knew what that magazine is and how much work goes into it. The way he said it was so funny that I giggled. Then he said that people who try to create a school magazine alone tend to giggle in public for no known reason and act really silly at times. At this point he pointed at me, making sure everyone knew who he was referring to. After basically telling everyone that he has an immense respect for me for doing what I did, he literally shamed everyone for letting me do everything on my own. He immediately announced that he volunteered to help me and anyone who does not volunteer will be volunteered by him.

Before the staff meeting, he told me in a whisper that the IT teacher told him that I never did any of the layout work. I just took everyone's work and pictures and ideas and sent it to the printing company to be put together. He was annoyed. I think that's why he made such a big deal of it at the meeting. I told the Kindergarten coordinator what the IT teacher said and she looked annoyed too. She said 'Just because they do nothing, they think nobody does anything either. I'd be fucking mad at her!'

I told her that I'm just keeping a lid on my anger because there was no point wasting it on a moron anyway.

One thing my deputy Principal, who is also my Secondary and A-Levels coordinator, said to me was 'There are two types of people in this world. Those who do and those who don't. You are one who does, so people just tend to make you keep doing. Those who don't, just sit and wait for things to happen.'

A worthy quote to take you through a good day, don't you think?

I just got back from Bintulu this morning. And yesterday, I spent all day with Shook. I landed at Bintulu airport at 8.30 a.m. By 9.00, I was in a limousine, that was supposed to be at my father's disposal, and headed to where Shook was staying.

I met his fellow cadets, who I have all invited to our wedding. They seem a very nice bunch, which is good. At least, he'll not get angry at them and get grumpy about being there. They really are kids. There is one of them who is really, really big and tall. And his big is not fat big, it's huge big. I can see him reaching to touch the ceiling if he stands. Fortunately, he never stood up around me because the first time he saw me, I was walking down from Shook's room to be introduced to them all and the second time, I walked in to bring them breakfast. They were very grateful and very sweet. They show a healthy respect for Shook because he worries about them. They're also grateful to me now because I brought them 8 horror movies to watch and I bought a tv tuner for Shook's laptop which means they get tv now.

Then I took Shook back to the hotel where he got online to catch up on all his missed websites. We watched tv for awhile then went for a walk to the nearby mall. Bintulu is really growing rapidly. The mall is not big but they have better products than we do. The hotel where we stayed had very good food and facilities. I'm more than happy to go back there for a holiday.

Shook had dinner with us at the ex-police function where I got a bit snarky because I was so tired. Luckily, he kept me entertained or else I would have pouted and grumbled.

We didn't do very much but we were together. And it was enough for that moment. Shook met a lot of key Bintulu people who now know who he is. The secretary of the ex-police association Bintulu branch asked me if I cried this morning because I was leaving Bintulu. I honestly told him I was just hanging on.

Now I'm feeling the creepings of depression setting in. It's not an outward thing but I can feel it. I just need one thing to trigger it and I know I'll be hit hard. I'm just barely stopping myself from crying. Worst thing is I know the cure. The cure is either Shook or listening to very depressing music until it pisses me off. And since I can't get Shook now, I'll do the music thing.

One day is not enough. I need more. I know I'll see him again in 12 days but it's only for that weekend. I'm dragging him to Harry Potter with me. At this rate, I think I'll be going to Bintulu every 3 months from next month on. Every school break I'm there! And I'm making him come home every break he has.

It's only been one month! 14 more to go...

I suppose it is usually because Shook and I are hardly ever apart that we do not usually need to speak to each other on the phone very much or for very long. The longest phone conversation I used to have with him was all of ten minutes.

Last night, we talked for a good half an hour, which is an achievement for either of us. He was telling me all about the place he's in and I just asked questions. And, the best part is, before I could get bored talking on the phone, he was disturbed again by a coursemate. So we had to hang up.

The days where I can talk on the phone from dusk until dawn are long gone. My attention span has gone back to almost zero now so I usually get on and off the phone very quickly. While overseas, I remember I once stayed on the phone for close to nine hours.

I felt better after talking to Shook last night. I've been keeping myself busy and occupied just so that I won't miss him so much. While talking to him last night, my main concern was whether he was happy. He assured me he was because his coursemates were people he liked. It made everything else tolerable for him.

Then today, I happened across some pictures online of us at Wil's wedding and I got teary-eyed. Goodness knows why. But I just resolved not to go back to that site ever.

Other than that, I'll stay busy and work my way from one month to the next. End of this month, I'm going to visit him. Next month I'm not sure. I guess it depends on how things look when I go visit him this month.

I'm back on the difficult cycle again. It's one of those things that make things very difficult for me. With my work schedule, I need to eat at a specific time or else I'd risk being hungry when I can't go get or eat food. So I buy food and eat when I can spare the time. This doesn't help me at all because I'm going through some very erratic hunger moods. I'm hardly ever hungry so I don't eat. And when I do get hungry, it's at a time when it's not practical to eat, like 1.00 a.m. If I do give in and eat at 1.00 a.m. it would mean that I'm up until 2.00 a.m. and then I need to jump out of bed at 6.30 a.m. and be at work from 7.30 a.m. to 4.00 p.m.

So, in the whole scheme of things, my body is giving me so much trouble. And this always happens when the weather changes. This has been going on since I was in the U.S. I'd eat all winter and then my food intake dwindles down to almost nothing during the summer. I know there's no winter and summer here but there is hot and rainy which amounts to almost the same thing. So now, I'm down to not wanting to eat at all or being extremely fussy about what to eat. In short, I'm doing a 'Yodie'!

And when I get fussy, Shook gets cranky. Yet, last night, he was incredibly patient when I demanded McDonald's despite him wanting to eat at home and then I could not decide what to eat when we did get to McDonald's. And when we did get home, I pouted and insisted I didn't want to share my chicken with Yodie, who is spoilt enough anyway. Then, moments later, I turned around and said I couldn't finish my chicken and went hunting for Yodie to help me with leftovers. Which got Shook all sighing again.

All in all, I know I'm going to be a difficult person to handle for the next few days. Something will snap me out of it eventually. But, until then, I'm hoping this is just PMS and I'll not have to handle all these mood swings and fickle-mindedness for very long.

I got tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I still feel the depression waiting at the fringes of my mind, as if it's waiting to pounce on me the moment I let my guard down.

But I got tired of giving in to it. I'm really quite annoyed with myself right now. I'm annoyed that I let my emotions take over, that I let my hormones take such control of me. I know I can overcome this and, bloody hell, I will!

So, despite waking up with a bad headache this morning, I went to work and worked all through the day non-stop. I didn't even take a break during the break and lunch times. At break time, I worked on a handbook at my computer (same handbook I've been working on during all of my free time at school) and during lunch, I did my yard duty and went to help my students raise money by having a car wash. So I washed cars today. Helped a lot with the angst and depression. Then after school, I went to a staff meeting during which, quite honestly, nothing much made sense to me because I was so dazed.

I decided not to stop even when I got home. My mind is still going and my body is still on the move. As soon as I'm done with this post, I'm going to grab a steak from the kitchen, enjoy it then run out to go bother Shook. I'm at the point where I refuse to think of why I'm feeling so pessimistic about myself and where I'm headed. If I start to think about it, I'll go into a manic depression, I believe. I might end up actually hurting someone. The last time I felt so strongly about this, I had to call Art to stop me from running my car off the bridge. Before that, I was in Michigan and I picked up my housemate by his throat and threw him out of the house because he pissed me off. I think I remember our other housemates yelling at me to put him down because he was turning purple. I know he had a bruised neck for a week and some of our friends felt I did the right thing. Yep, they all hated him.

I've had no social contact for three days now. I'm either at work where I don't socialise anyway because it's just a waste of time, or at home where I'm always in my room. Sometimes, my sisters' voices irritate me so I watch a movie or a downloaded show instead.

I think isolating myself works. I stop thinking of whys and what-ifs. I refuse to think of friendships and relationships. I just stick to my own little world for awhile just to get my balance back.

If you're wondering whether I've tried talking to anyone, my next question is who? I'm one of those people who can't share what she actually feels. What I show, what I say to others, is seldon what I really, really feel. My hatreds scare even me so I don't share them with anyone. Same about my angers. Even my joys I don't share because sometimes people are too wrapped up in themselves to listen to me. So I don't tell.

Oh...on a different note, Macavity was sent to the groomers yesterday. We followed the groomer's advice and sent him early in the afternoon as requested because the groomer was not so sure how he'll behave. Turns out, he was fine and came home with shorter nails and hair and a nice smell. He 's also got a collar now which he seems happy with. My parents said he looks much happier now because we're all over him. Brat!

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting now and going to grab that steak.

Oh, I finally drew something. Actually, I drew it and then coloured it in oil pastels. I took a photo but I'm too lazy to put it up. And I've got the strong urge to write a story or a poem even. Damn! It's the depression talking. I only write poems when I'm really depressed. Damn!

Going to hope that Shook can cheer me up now.

I'm feeling very demotivated today. I'm not sure why. I'm almost sure it's PMS raising its ugly head but I've had this feeling before and I just couldn't determine if it's connected to my hormones.

The thing is whenever I get this feeling, I just have the overwhelming urge to quit my job and take a sabbatical from the workforce. However, we all know I do not have this luxury. Not only will my parents not quite understand (not that I've tried asking) but I also know that sitting at home doing nothing but stare at the computer or TV will definitely drive me crazy. And, I just have too many things to pay for to quit my job.

I do know that I've been getting this feeling more and more often these few weeks. I'm just tired, I guess. I'm tired of office politics, and teachers who have nothing better to do than gossip about other people, of being nagged, of being made to feel obligated to do anything, of being made to feel like I have to give in. I'm just tired of many things. Above all, I'm tired of hurting. My feelings get hurt more often now by people who don't seem to think I have feelings too. Although I've never been clinical diagnosed as suicidal or depressed, I still do realise that this feeling is enough to make anyone depressed. Suicide is a thought but never more than that. I tried it once and, believe me, once really is enough.

I suppose I can safely say that I'm depressed. I truly know no way to overcome it. I'm hoping it's just hormones and it will go away soon. Because right now, I feel like nothing can ever make me happy and nobody cares enough to try. And I hate this feeling.

Or I am really just mentally tired.

Sometimes, things just manage to frustrate me so much that it's safer for me to stay home than meet up with anyone.

I don't know why I feel that way, thinking about it makes me feel almost suicidal and I just want to destroy things.

I think, a few times it's helped me destroy relationships and friendships.
I really don't know why I feel this way.

And I think the walls are closing in on me again.