Still Being Random

I believe that there more there is at stake, the more effort you should put into it.

What am I talking about?

When I first started dating Shook, I wasn't hoping to get married. I was just trying out this dating thing. But the one thing I never forgot was to treat his mother well and with respect. So, although in my mind I was not thinking of marrying him, I still behaved like a good maybe-daughter-in-law would.

I greeted her and, although it scared the bejeepers out of me, I sat and talked to her nicely. Shook even left me alone with her a few times and I didn't run screaming in horror although I was nervous like hell. In my mind, I saw myself as the girl who is taking her son away from her and I felt I needed to make up for that 'sin' alone.

As a result, when the time was right, it wasn't us to ask for the marriage, it was his parents. They got the ball rolling. Left to us, we'd still be dragging our feet and there'd be no Athena yet.

So. My point is this - If you want to take a son away from his mother by marrying him, spend time with the mother. Be nice to her. Don't take him away from her than he already has to.

Besides, when you marry the son, he'll sleep with you anyway. For now, let him spend some time with his mother. By doing this, you get kudos points and it'll smoothen the way for better relationships.

There are many people out there who don't realise this and it brings about many mother-in-law horror stories. Just as there is a saying about needing two hands to clap, a lot of times, it's not just the mother-in-law who is bad. You've taking her child away from her. Can you really expect her to feel good about you?

So, the way of it is to show her that she's not losing a son but she's gaining a daughter.

Do we understand my point now?

Sometimes in the course of teaching my students, I come across topics or thoughts that make me wonder as well.

As a teacher, I try to help my students do and be good while being realistic enough to make them aware of the world they live in. Other than topics of homosexuality, they also asked me how I knew I loved my husband enough to marry him.

This has always been something that was on my mind the months before I got married. I'm realistic enough to realise that I didn't want to marry someone just because he was there or he liked me or even just because. I needed to know I felt strongly enough for him that I was able to go through any and all situations and still be with him and not walk away like I always do.

Quite honestly, I was not even sure if he loved me. I suppose by his actions, it showed he did. But, what man today can be taken on his word alone? Or I really am more cynical than I thought I was.

Before anyone pops an eye, I am sure he knows all this about me already. I've done lots of soul-searching and confronting myself since he's been away and I've realised many things about myself and him.

As undecided as I was about love and where I stood with it, I married him because I knew I can spend the rest of my life waking up next to him every morning. In fact, I was very sure I could spend my days and nights with him. Yet a part of me still questioned my own feelings.

So, getting back to my students, I gave them an answer which blew their minds. I told them that I didn't know whether I loved my husband or even how I knew I loved my husband. I couldn't even explain what love was.

But, in actual fact, I do know. Now. I didn't know then if I loved him enough to work through all our problems but I was stubborn enough to be sure I would work through it. I just wasn't sure if the determination was born from intense love or just plain stubborness.

To be fair, I knew I love him. Just not whether I was in love with him.

Since he's been away though, many things have happened. All my insecurities and jealousies have risen to the surface. Nobody fully understands my dilemma because nobody actually has sat down with me to try and understand the conflict within myself and with him.

For one, I know I am the jealous type. I hate being so. Therefore, I hate myself when I get jealous. So combine two intense emotions like hate and jealousy and you have one very conflicting soul.

A lot of times, I need assurance. I need someone to tell me I am right to be jealous. If he were here, he would do it. But he wasn't. And the only assurance I got was from my 15-year-old sister, which, although I valued, was not enough because my sisters are known for their unconditional loyalty.

As it was, I struggled with all those emotions to a point that I was contemplating divorce and all such dire things. Hey, I always have a solution ready to any problem. I figured if we couldn't work past this bit, I was not willing to face anymore and I was going to cut my losses. At the same time, I wasn't going to go down alone so I was also very sure I was going to tell the world my story. Every newspaper was going to know what had happened to me and everyone in Malaysia and beyond was going to know why I was divorced. When I go down, I go down screaming and kicking.

Luckily, I married a person who not only is more patient than I give him credit for, but he also loves me more than I sometimes think I deserve. After much talking and reassuring, I realised I had nothing to fear. Whatever that girl was planning or thought she could gain from him, didn't work on him because 1) she screwed up by not knowing him well enough and 2) he got fed up with her childishness. So even as friends, he figured she was a lost cause and too stupid to value something as simple as friendship.

But after all that, I realised there was a whole lot more to what I felt for him. I realise now that I love him enough not to just want him in my life forever, but also to fight for and with him, if I had to. I realised that something I read once is very true.

I once read that if you love someone, you love him as a child, an equal and a mother. The child is that you want him to protect and take care of him, the equal is when you want to listen and cherish him and the mother is when you want to take care of him so that he is never hurt or disappointed. There's a whole lot more to that thought but that's about all I could remember of it. But now I realise it is true. Sometimes, I mother him, sometimes I want to be protected by him and sometimes I want him to value my opinions.

And the fact that we are this way with each other assures me more than any words ever said that we do love each other. I am in love with him. I miss him the most every weekend because that is when I have time to realise I am alone in my room. I value him more now because he is away more than he is here. And because I value him more, I also don't take him for granted as much.

I also realise that no matter how much time I spend with him when he was or is around, it doesn't make missing him any less. All my efforts to spend little time with him before he went off to Bintulu last year in the hopes I won't miss him as much was also pretty much useless since I miss him anyway.

And as much as I love my friends and family, they cannot make up for his lack of presence. And although we really don't have very much in common, we make up for it with our weird sense of dark humour and pragmatism.

We do argue and sometimes we get annoyed with each other. Sometimes I hang up the phone after barely five minutes either because I'm in a bad mood or he is. But I realise it is part of a relationship. I'd be worried if he always tries to keep the peace. I'd be pissed if I always had to be the one to keep the peace. A peaceful relationship is about as bad as one where both parties are always fighting. It means one of them is trying too hard to not be themself.

But, my point is all this is just way too complicated for my students. So what I do is I give them the bare bones of the ups and downs and then I tell them they have to work out the rest themselves. But what I do tell them is that they cannot hide all their lives. They need to live to know. And by 'live' I mean they need to dare to take risks, even if it is as stupid as saying 'hi' to the cute guy or girl sitting alone in the corner.

Afer all, you never know what you've missed until you've tried it.

Yesterday was another of those days when I really didn't want to be alone. Fortunately, Gette was there to rescue me from possible depression.

I always get down-in-the-dumps when Shook leaves home to go back to Bintulu. I try not to be but it tends to hit me at the worst possible moment. Like yesterday, after Gette very eagerly agreed to go watch X-Files and The Mummy, we went for the X-Files movie at noon. Right in the middle of the movie, which was by no means emotional or anything, I suddenly started to cry. I don't even know why. Maybe it was because I suddenly thought of Shook and wished he was there. Logically, I would not be crying but yesterday, I did.

Luckily, Gette realised why I needed to watch movies or be busy when she asked about Shook and I told her that he had just left for Bintulu. But since we had both agreed to go for X-Files at noon and then The Mummy at 7 p.m., we both felt adequately busy since we had to go for Words Worth the sequel at 4 p.m. anyway.

Words Worth is not a movie or anything but it's just a few people getting to together to read out what they have written. It could be a story or a poem. Yesterday, we had about 10 people reading so we used up the entire 2 hours we had scheduled just for the event.

It would have been a hectic day for me if I hadn't gone home after X-Files to take a nap. X-Files was good but only recommended for people who are fans of the show. If you aren't, don't bother really. The parts that fans squee at, you'd probably think 'So what?'. Also, contrary to most Hollywood movies today, X-Files had very little action. Most of the movie involved connecting the dots and wondering at how Mulder and Scully have aged. That is, right before you realise how old the movie makes you feel after you've connected the dots.

And what can I say about The Mummy? It's folloiwng the trend of all other sequels this year. You're either finally going home (like Rambo 4) or you've got a son to take on your legacy (like Indiana Jones). However, the O'Connell son seems to have developed a little issue with his parents. Which I find a little odd for a boy to have if you've been brought up the English way. The English aren't known to be touchy-feely like the Americans. So why did the writers give the son a complex about his parents?

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie for entertainment value. If you're looking for a deeper purpose this movie, forget it. It's just run and gun and yell and make bad jokes along the way. Also, don't bother trying to contemplate the historical factor. This movie is pure faction. Facts were distorted greatly to fit the fictional plot. I'll watch it again but only if for free.

After the movie, Iw ent phone and called Shook as usual. We talked for awhile then I went to sleep. Despite the reltively early night, I still feel sleepy this afternoon. No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel sleepy.

Just another thing about being pregnant, I suppose.

My school gave us a long weekend after the Sports meet on Friday. So, knowing this, I flew off to Bintulu for the weekend and came back only yesterday.

Whenever I mention Bintulu to anyone here, they grimace and ask 'What's in Bintulu?' really distastefully. To which I will reply as innocently as I can 'My husband.', which I hope conveys the message of 'You're not thinking very well, are you?'.

When I got there, Shook told me the Bintulu Regatta was on. Now, I'm not a big fan of anything like this. I aways thought, and knew, it was an excuse for people to be out and be seen. Girls go to see guys and show off and guys go to see girls and show off. This was most evident when I saw a girl dressed to the nines and even wearing black stockings. Why was I horrified? This was because the sun was shining very brightly and it was HOT! The heat pricked my skin. That's how hot it was. But then again, this being a small town, I figured what else did the people have to do anyway?

And, being Bintulu and therefore there was nothing else to do, Shook and I strolled around the esplanade where the regatta was held. We saw some interesting things but I wasn't impressed enough to buy anything.

Anyway, I went all the way there to see Shook, which meant I didn't care what I did. I could have been cooped up in the room all day and I would have been happy. But as it was, we went to watch Hellboy 2.

I thought it was more interesting than the first one. Observe how I'm not raving about it. Doesn't mean I thought it was bad. I'm just not willing to be one of those people who seem to consider every movie they watch as the best one yet and it is awesome and kicks ass!

It was a good movie. The bad guy, Prince Nuada, and kin reminded me a lot of the Silvanesti elves from the Dragonlance series. He also looks a lot like the elves on the cover of Michael Moorcock books. Anyway, I thought he was kinda hot for a bad guy but I kept mum because there was something about him that looked painfully familiar. Then when we got back to our room, Shook did a search and found that Prince Nuada is played by Luke Goss. I was almost horrified. I came from the Bros era and the thought of me finding Luke Goss hot was...scary.

Then there was the sister to Prince Nuada and she was Princess Nuala. I thought she looked like Calista Flockhart but her voice was different. Of course, it wasn't her.

I'd watch this movie again although I won't pay to watch it again. It's one of those movies that's just there for entertainment sake and it worked for entertainment sake. I did enjoy it although I had to stop myself from making comments to Shook throughout the movie. There was a quote from prince Nuada where he said "I will call upon the help of all the children of the earth! The good... the bad..." and before he finished his sentence, I said 'The ugly". Of course, he said 'The worst.' but it was just too cliche for me at that moment.

I tried to talk Shook into watching Wanted with me. He had gone last week which I was rather annoyed about. He was willing to go watch it again at my behest but I didn't push the issue and I'm not selfish enough to make him go watch it again.

So I went to watch it yesterday instead after I got back from Bintulu. Turns out it was another of those movies where you have to leave your brain at the door and just watch for fun. I loved the chase scenes and the shooting scenes. I even loved the guns and the bullets. I did wonder how much of Angelina Jolie's tattoos were her own and how many were brushed on. I do want the gun she used though. And then, just as I was wondering at the loopholes in the plot, the movies covers them all up at the end. So, overall, I'd watch it again but, again, I just won't pay to do so.

I was tempted to go watch Hancock but I discovered that the more I watched the trailer, the more annoyed I got with the movie. I can't explain it. Kind of like my reaction to Get Smart. I always thought the series was dumb and goodness knows I can't stand Steve Carell. So I figured I'd wait for both movies to either get to HBO or for my sisters to buy the DVDs.

Other than that, I had a great weekend. I wish the break was longer then I could have stayed there longer. It's not the place but the person I went to see. Bintulu is a nice small town where everyone moves at half the pace people move here in Kuching. People there still smile at you and say 'sorry' and 'thank you'. The Malays still cook Malay style food and not try to copy Chinese style of cooking. It's just nice to visit and chill out at. But I'd go mental if I had to stay there too long.

So I don't envy Shook being stuck there but I do think he does have his share of fun, like he did last night. I still shake my head at it. But I'd still rather he was at home with me.

My youngest sister was commenting today about how I write more lovey-dovey things about Shook now compared to before.

So my answer was simple. He never showed me what romance he was capable of before. When I asked him this a few days ago, he replied to the effect that there wasn't much point in making an effort in a relationship that might not come to much.

When I thought about it, I saw the wisdom in his words. I see many couples nowadays getting all gooey-eyed at each other, helping each other out, being so considerate and sometimes to a point of showing public displays of affection. (Sometimes the pda is too much but we won't go there!)

Then, later, these same couples get really distant and complacent with each other once they are married. If they work it out, they'll try to reclaim that gooey-ness they had earlier. If not, they stray and look elsewhere to recapture those feelings to being loved. Sometimes, the problems start before they even marry.

In my case, because of Shook's mentality and, to a certain degree, because of my own very strong sense of self-preservation, we never showed much affection in public. Sometimes, I openly chase him away to go out with the boys just so I can go do my own thing. Other times, I spend time with him, but we're not plastered to each other. A lot of times, we don't even mind not sitting next to each other.

Honestly, I'm almost the personification of once-bitten-twice-shy. I've had one bad attempt at a relationship and so I wasn't keen on jumping into another. Some people may say I lack the resilience. I just say I'm not a big fan of pain. Besides, I've heard too many people who have been through bad relationsips start to bad-mouth the person they broke up with or who broke up with them. I wasn't about to be one of those people. I got more careful to a point that I wasn't even looking anymore.

And, now that I can be honest, I think my standards were too high. I wanted someone I can talk to, who would not order me around or won't be intimidated by me and I needed someone with spine yet was aware enough to listen to my opinions. I had more criterias but they're too many to go into.

This being Malaysia, I knew I had a low chance of finding that.

Anyway, before I digress further, I talk a whole lot more about Shook because we feel secure with each other now. He feels especially more secure and enough to trust me with his true self. And his true self makes me grateful he's only showing it now because I could have easily fallen victim to taking him for granted if he had shown it earlier. Also, I might have felt it was too much to live up to if we were just still dating.

To be honest, while we were dating, I expected to break up with him almost every month. Which is why I was always so careful to be emotionally distant. Every month, I'd mark the end of the month with a smile to remind myself that we were still together. And every month, I'd work at making sure I got another smile at the end of the month. Rather sad, wasn't it?

When it comes to emotions and relationships, I'm very skittish. I just sound tough but I knew I could never take another bad one.

Despite it all, I was understanding as a single person. I knew when people needed to spend time with their other ones. I used to be young and very inconsiderate but I've learnt my lesson since.

I had a very good back-up plan while single. But it must have been a sign when Shook came along and I got instantly attracted and then Bali exploded that there was no way that plan would ever come to be.

I still laugh at the girl who was so sure Shook wanted her that she immediately told him she liked only Chinese men and never Malays. Never time, stupid, find out first before you open your mouth! But I'm not complaining.

Like Shook once told me, "Ever wondered where the good ones are? Well, now you know where one went."

And speaking of good ones, Borneo Post interviewed my father and Shook for Father's Day. I think it's coming out this Sunday. Go read the articles. Shook's answers definitely made me realise he is one to keep for good. And I'm so very glad I got the chance to find out.

Now, if only I can figure out to how to send one copy to KL.

When I first met Shook, the last thing I expected from him was to be a romantic. I mean, this was the guy who dissed weddings saying that everytime he gets invited to one, he'd either skip it or buy the newly-wed couple a guide book to divorce. And when I mention anything that is romantic, he'd say phht and change the subject. He also once told me he got freaked out when one of his ex-girlfriends asked who their children would look when they have any. He didn't strike me as a very romantic person or if there was even a speck of romance in him.

But the rest of him was intriguing so I stayed to find out more. But I gave him as good as he gave out. Because not once did I mention us getting married, not once did I mention I wanted to meet the rest of his family, I never mentioned having children (in fact, he mentioned it first!) and most of all, I was the most non-cuddly, non-gooey girlfriend SEEN.

However, since we've been married, it seems as if he's allowed himself to be more open. A friend said he's more secure and relaxed. Oh, we still fight but it's very rare nowadays. And we know when to take time out from each other when it does happen. Even if he is here and we get into an argument, if we have to meet up with friends, either one of us will make a mundane comment to ease the tension between us. I always make a point of never, ever showing his friends I am angry with him. Neither do I criticise him in front of them. It's just not done. I don't want his friends going away thinking he's now pussy-whipped. Neither do I allow my friends to think he's being harsh or mean to me. I tell them good things. As part of a couple, we have to maintain good images of each other. It gets more once we were married. That's how relationships and marriages work. Nobody knows if and when we fight. My parents don't even know and we live with them. My sisters don't know and they are my confidantes. The moment I walk out of our room, I act as if all is right with the world, even if I had been crying before this.

But to be fair to Shook, I haven't cried sad tears for awhile. I tend to cry happy tears because of things he's said and done. Once, he suddenly messaged me saying he loved me. This from a guy who doesn't know how to say it out. Another time, he suddenly messaged saying he missed me when I was expecting a smartass remark from him. His surprises keep me on my toes yet I never take him for granted.

Just last week, he did something totally unexpected again. He told me that he would only be coming home on the 30th, maybe earliest 28th if he can finagle it out of his academy. So on Tuesday, I told him I might not be able to meet him online for our usual chats because I had to send my mother and sisters to the airport. And then I was going to the supermarket to buy food for us for the week my family was not around. I messaged him early in the morning to remind him and he replied as usual.

Then before I went to the airport, I messaged him again. But he didn't reply. So I got a little worried. I knew he wasn't flying or in briefing so I wondered at the silence. My mom got worried too and told me to call Sonnie or Alam. I told her I'd wait until their lunch break then call. Then I messaged Shook at around 1 p.m. to ask what bread he preferred. He replied so I figured he was all right. And when I got online I saw Alam but no Shook. Again, I figured he had something to do or was not near his laptop.

In the afternoon, my mom asked about him again and I said I had heard from him. So she was appeased. Then I went out to buy bread. Something instinctive told me to go home despite the fact that I still wanted to go looking for russet potatoes. I'm a person who trusts her instincts a lot so I headed home. Just as I parked my car and closed the gate, who rolls up the driveway if not my beloved husband.

I was too happy to see him that I couldn't scold him for driving back alone. When I told my parents that he had come home early to surprise me, even they could not do more than a token mention about him driving home alone. But I was ecstatic to see him.

What he did was something I would never have expected. I know my dad did it once to my mom so she had her suspicions. But I thought I knew Shook well enough that I wasn't prepared for such a surprise. My sisters thought it was sweet. Even my voice instructor was gleeful. When I told my Toastmasters that night that I wanted to leave the AGM sooner than usual, they understood after hearing my story.

Like I told Shook, he is the only guy who makes me feel loved. Every guy I was ever interested in all assumed I was strong enough that I didn't need any reassurance or pretty gestures. But I think well-deserved gestures are good. It's what keeps a relationship going. Relationships aren't based on who is stronger or who wins. I believe it is based on how the couple work together, how they understand each other, how they communicate and relate. Best of all, I believe it is based on how much love and consideration the couples show for each other.

I'm no expert but I've seen enough selfish relationships that I can tell either one half of the couple is too weak to let go or the relationship will not last long. It doesn't mean I am luckier or better. It just means that I know a good thing when I see it and I know how to appreciate it.

Whenever Shook comes home, we always go visit the site where our new house is being built. When I first saw it go up, I thought the place was cosy and small. Now that they've cleared up most of the rubble, I have come to realise that our house is huge.

It looks relatively small from the outside but the kitchen and dining room takes on the entire back part of the house. Our master bedroom is the entire upper left wing of the house and the living room is right under our master bedroom. Every room is going to be air-conditioned and my dad wants us to go furniture shopping in KL as soon as the house is about to finish. My mom aims to make Ikea one very happy store after we walk out of it then. We also have two bedrooms upstairs for our children. One room downstairs is tentatively planned to be a game-TV room. The other small room is supposed to be a servant's quarters but I don't myself being comfortable with a maid in my house. But we'll see about this one.

The one thing I am looking forward to about our house is the area. There is so much space left over that we could easily build another small cottage behind the garage and another one in front of our house. So I told Shook we could add his own little workshop behind the garage and maybe a fountain or a pond in front. The rest of the back of the house will have to accommodate an outdoor barbecue pit.

Shook's friend Raymond has agreed to help us do landscaping because Shook told him I wanted a Balinese-style garden. He'll also help arrange for maintenance since I am the only person I know who can kill cacti. So plants and flowers are way out of my league.

Shook and I are also looking into security and I've long decided that our house has windows in all the strategic places, making it so easy to pick off intruders one by one from any window in the house. Perimeter plants will be specifically chosen to make any intruders very uncomfortable or in a lot of pain.

And once the house is completed and we've moved in, we'll have a makan selamat for family and relatives. But, after that, we're going to arrange a huge party for our friends only. Maybe the Christmas gathering this year could be at our house this time.

I find this whole process almost exciting. It's like playing The Sims 2 except I have no money cheat. The colours of the walls, the tiles, the furniture and general interior decor. Then again I was never one for big dreams and big possessions so I'm quite sure we can afford a lot of things that we want. I'm basically a person with simple tastes. It's just sad that everything just seems so expensive nowadays. Only a fool would want to try and aim for something outside their means in this day and age. But Shook would be working and earning enough for us by the time we think of adding more things to the house anyway.

Hmmm....maybe I should get Shah to go with me to our house and see what he says about decorating the place.

See? At times like this, one should treasure their friends since you never know when you need their help. I pity those who either have no friends or don't know how to treasure them.

And, on top of this, my dad is still holding us to his promise to send us on a honeymoon to Europe and Istanbul. All this even after an elaborate engagement and a huge wedding. I know I helped contribute about RM45,000 for my wedding. It was part of the money my dad gave me a few years ago. Weddings aren't cheap nowadays. If left to me and Shook, our marriage would have taken place at Majlis Islam and then a small lunch or dinner at Sarawak Club because that would be what we could afford on our own. Even with money I won't go near Merdeka Palace. One thing I know from experience is that Merdeka Palace cuts your throat. They are overly pricey but the food and service sucks like crap. And I know that if you need to ask them how much their prices are, chances are you cannot afford it. I know this because I've arranged corporate and school dinners there.

At the end of the day, weddings aren't about the setting. It's about the couple getting married. I know that as soon as Shook and I were married, I was more than willing to skip the whole reception and then the bersanding. I know it was too late by then but, all I wanted was to marry this guy. I didn't care about any silly dinner or reception or showing off. I didn't even care if the Governor or the Chief Minister was there. Although the Chief Minister, who had to attend another function that same night, later told his wife that he should have gone to our dinner instead.

I did remember asking Shook the evening before the reception if we could just elope then. I really just wanted to lie down and sleep and be with him. Not be at a dinner which I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy.

I know. I know. We have a whole lifetime of it. But like everything in life, we all try our hardest at the beginning of something then we tend to become complacent later.

And, oh, my dad bought us a new phone each. By us, I mean, my two sisters, myself and even Shook. And as usual, I got the simplest one because I don't need anything for more than messaging and calling. I have an iPod, a camera and a PDA. Why would I need a phone that has all those functions as well? Such a waste of money then.

And I'm the daughter of parents who can afford things. Sometimes even I don't ask for things if it's too expensive. See how I think? Sometimes I wonder why people who cannot afford things want to have such big, expensive dreams. It seems so white trash Malaysian style. If you can't afford, you can't afford. Live within your means. I'm not going to apologise for having parents who can buy me things but I will feel sorry for parents who cannot afford but have white trash children who want to show off as if they can. Get real!

Before I digress further, our house is in what my dad calls an exclusive area. In fact, ours is the smallest house there. It'll definitely have the poorest residents. Everyone else is a VIP or rich.

But I love that house. It's enough to make me consider quitting my job, taking up my writing again and opening a small family business. Then I can also stay home and be a wife and mother.

Hey, this is my reality. And I like it. Like I've always said, I aim never to do anything I might regret later. With Shook by my side, I know I'll make the right decisions since he never lets me decide on anything which he thinks I might regret later either.

The cadets at Shook's academy were introduced or re-introduced to Top Gun some months back. By Shook, of course.

Regardless of the fact that this is the movie that got me all gooey over pilots and even more buttery over Tomcats. F-14s I think they are. I know. I'm lousy with technicalities but I know I love those jets and that's all there is to it.

Now, the closest I've been to being the Kelly McGillis character is to be a teacher myself. I once contemplated getting a pilot's license but, let's face it. I lack the tenacity and drive Shook has. I'll get bored and distracted and probably bail out halfway.

When I met Shook, he was a share analyst. I thought that was probably one of the most boring jobs ever but I was attracted to the man not his job. When I found out he wanted to take a pilot's license, I was impressed. I didn't figure he wanted to make a career out of it. 8 years later and look at where we are now.

Anyway, back to his cadets.They look up to him even while they are wary of him. I have seen them. They keep a respectful distance and Shook could give them a monosyllabic reply to any of their questions and they scatter. It's funny yet weird to see.

Before I digress further, his cadets have watched Top Gun, I think, more than 3 times. I said I think because 3 times is what Shook notices. They probably have watched it more than that many times. Now some of them fantasise being Top Gunners when they're flying.

The thing that occured to me today is that all it needs is one of them to try and find a female instructor and try to complete the whole fantasy. He would be Maverick then. If I were teaching there and single, I'd be wary.

The fact that I have a low regard for the instructors is beside the point right now. Some of them have no professional ethics at all. Heck, they have Shook doing some of their work for them! Which educators creed did they pick that up from?!

But the instructors are a whole different story. I wish I could go in and lecture them a bit about ethics and professional decency. But my post is about the cadets, not the instructors. If it were about the instructors, you can be sure it'd be a rant. So I won't go into it.

Not yet.

To understand my annoyance, you need to know the background. So, after reading this, you tell me if I'm justified or if someone is lying to me.

A few months ago, Shook called me talking constantly about this female instructor he met. So, despite my own misgivings I asked about her, why she's there. The normal things. He told me and after I told him my fears, he assured me that he thinks of her as nothing more than a little sister, who, in his own words, 'is actually little'. So I was fine.

Then on one occasion, I spoke to her on the phone. I really was being civil and nice. I mean, I would have said more than a few words if she actually allowed me to get a word in. She chattered to a point that I was pretty sure she would not notice even if I was no longer on the line. In fact, at one point, I was talking to my father and I could still hear her voice through the phone, talking. She didn't stop to even check if I was still there.

Then, on another another night, Shook, in his usual teasing way, told me he was out on a date with her. I was jealous, yes. But I called and he spoke to me. While he talked to me, she kept talking in the background and I could hear her. I mean, at this point, the impression I got of this girl was exactly what she showed. She was happy for his attention and acted like it was a chore for her to share it.

Now, as a wife, I was worried. I wasn't worried about me. But I was worried about Shook. I knew people would soon talk. Although he wouldn't care, I knew it would hurt me. I also knew that the other cadets respected him too much to ask him to his face. But, at the same time, I realised it was no better that they speculated behind his back.

So I tried to warn him. True to form, he ignored me. Then when he came home, I talked to him again. At this point, I had already planned that he cannot have me and her at the same time. If he wanted her as more than a friend, I would divorce him. But he assured me again that he didn't think of her in that way.

But, how was I supposed to feel reassured when she messaged him while he was home? For nothing more than notes but...do you get my point? No courtesy question like 'how's your wife? How's home?'. Nothing. Just a nice friendly sms as if to remind him she's there.

So I got suspicious, much to Shook's annoyance. So when I went to Bintulu, I planned to ask her how she felt about my husband. Unfortunately, the chance never arose. But we did go out for dinner together and I did ask him to ask her along since she always goes out with him and Alam for dinner.

I was neutral throughout dinner. I take questions like 'How did you manage to come out here today? Don't you work on Saturdays?' as normal because not many people quite understand how private schools operate. Throughout dinner, I was watching the dynamics between these three people. Not that I could contribute anything since all the conversation was controlled by her and the topic was only about people they knew. And before I could ask anything, she had taken the conversation to a different topic already. And I'm not in the habit of poking into topics that aren't mine to be concerned about.

Then when we sent her and Alam back to the hostel, I was actually sincere when I told her it was nice meeting her. Really, it was. Through watching them, I realised Shook really felt nothing more than friendship for her. My only misgiving happened at one point when the owner of the shop we had dinner at commented that I was Shook's wife and joked that she was not. At this point, I watched her and she decided to look busy with her bag and her phone. I didn't want to pass judgement on whether she looked happy or not,

Like I said, I never judge people sight unseen or without watching them properly first.

The two days I was there, Shook could not fly due to weather and feeling unwell. So I was not able to get a closure to my own feelings about the two of them. I wasn't able to ask her what she felt for him. I mean, I didn't even mind if she admitted she was falling for him. I did so why would I be arrogant enough to think nobody else might. In fact, I was thinking of warning her that however he behaves, he usually means well and to warn her to be careful not to misunderstand. I may sound like I was trying to be the Goody Two Shoes but I was not willing for someone to get innocently hurt by my own husband's friendly nature.

Then, the last time I met her, she behaved as if I wasn't even there. Shook took me to the common room of his hostel where they were watching The Golden Compass. She joked with him, realised I was there and didn't even say hi. So I figured she didn't want to talk to me and kept quiet. She only made comments during the show usually directed at him anyway. So I just kept quiet and watched the movie.

The thing is, I am not keen on loud noises. It annoys me. So when at one point she yelled in what was already an echoing room, I just responded automatically. I don't know whether she was offended or whether she felt contrite.

But at the end of the whole thing, I wasn't sure how she felt about Shook. She may like him as more than a friend and I guess I can fairly admit that I only decided this based on the fact that she didn't acknowledge me very much. I spoke to her when she spoke to me. I smiled when she said something funny. I asked Shook when I wasn't sure. If she felt I was being bitchy or judgemental, my only question is 'How?'.

When I spend time with my friends who are married or attached, I always make the effort to talk to their wives or girlfriends or fiancees when we meet. Even when I meet the guys alone, I ask about their partners and how they felt about us meeting. I've openly apologised or thanked the partners when I've spent time with their husbands or boyfriends or fiances.

I guess I expect too much that people would show the same courtesy or common sense where I am concerned, but don't you think it's common sense? Why make a wife feel unwelcomed unless she is unwelcomed? And why would a girl not want a guy's wife around unless she wanted the guy for herself? Am I not justified in my misgivings?

As for the recent swearing and anger, it's not at her because she's there. It's at her because she treats Shook like dirt now. With no reason or anything, she treats him like he's not worth her time. He thought of her as a friend. He felt that there could be potential for a good friendship. We were looking forward to a venture with her working with us. Then she turns around and avoids him except to ask for notes or to sms him about a tribunal she was involved in.

How is a wife supposed to feel when she knows a girl won't even say hi as a friend to her husband but messages him to tell when she's going back to Bintulu and how her tribunal went? Any normal female would think there was something clandestine going on. Won't you?

My trust in Shook has been tested to its limits these few months. And as attestment to my trust in him, I was even trying to my best to find out why this girl was avoiding him because he really regretted the loss of that friendship. It hurt him that he could reach out to be her friend and she treated him like that.

So my anger at her is not for anything other than that she has hurt him as a friend. For a week, I worked hard to get Alam to talk to her. To explain that if it was me she was concerned about, then at least tell my husband.

I even played with the possibility that he might have flirted with her and scared her off or even that they might have kissed in moments of drunken-ness and both felt guilty.

What I cannot take is that she hurt him as only a friend can. And if I did resort to calling her names she will not like if she knew, then it's due to a helplessness that I cannot overcome. I worked years to get Shook to trust people again. And now this girl waltzes in and unravels it within a few months. How am I supposed to feel? Do I just let her walk away like that?

I cannot, in all conscience, let this go. Even if Shook is too fed-up to care and even if he has done what he calls 'burn his bridges', I cannot let someone who has hurt him get away with it. I want her to understand what damage she has done. I want her to realise that her actions affect a lot of people not just her. I want her to learn and grow up so that she knows how to behave and not behave in the future. She may consider herself matured but, until she knows how to treat people well, her so-called maturity will always be questioned.

I now wish she would read my blog. I want her to know how her selfishness has affected other people. I want her to realise how her self-absorbed behaviour almost had me researching on divorce proceedings. I want her to know that, although I don't hate her, she has made me come very close to it through her inability to be more human in her thoughts and her actions.

We may not be perfect which is why we need divine guidance once in a while. But, at least, some of us know how to treat people with respect by talking to them.

So, honestly, whatever her transgressions or even his, I would have forgiven if they were honest and contrite. I like to believe Shook is honest with me. After all, he tells me everything that involves her. But, if she happens to feel that what I have been told is different from what actually happened, I would appreciate her telling me instead of treating my husband the way she has.

When she hurt him, she hurt me. The fact that this never occurred to her just shows her immaturity all over again. I asked Shook if she was sheltered as a child and he doesn't think so. So, therefore, why is she behaving the way she has? Why is she treating him like a boyfriend one minute and dogshit the next? In general, girls who behave this way do not impress me. To me, they either want only dick or cash.

Sp what's her story? And if she is so convinced that she is right, why then doesn't she tell the truth? Why is she hiding?

As far as I am concerned, if you have the truth on your side, nobody can dispute you. Neither can they judge you. So why would you behave with so much guilt? Unless, of course, you are guilty.

I am, by my very own admission, a sucker for the repentant, the lost, the lonely and the sad.

So, what do I do? I used to get attracted to them under a misguided sense of tryng to help. Either that or I started to think I loved them.

Now that I love Shook, I don't share that love but I do stil try to help him and his friends. because helping his friends alleviates his worry and his hurt. Even if I still suspect some of the people he calls friend think of him as more than a friend. And because I think his friend is avoiding him and it bothers him a lot since the friend has given no valid reason for it.

*sigh* I'll trust. I'll reach out and trust again. And if it bites me back like a poisonous snake, I'll bloody bite its head off, chew on its meat for awhile and then spit it out for the world to see.

Then I'll have a talk with my husband about his choice of friends.

I have two bedrooms in my house now. One is mine and always has been. the other is one I share with Shook when he comes home. Usually, when he goes back to Bintulu, I migrate back to my own room. But, for the past few days, I've been staying put in our room. I realised that I sleep better and I don't wake up when I need to roll around on the bed. And, looking at the bed covers every morning, it's apparent that I roll around quite a bit at night.

Anyway, for the past few nights, I've been getting quite a lot of dreams. On Tuesday night, I dreamt I was living on a military base. But the base is not the happy ones I see in The Unit. This base was on the verge of a war. So we were constantly on red alert. It seems that nobody is allowed outside the outer perimeter and a curfew is enforced every evening.

I distinctly remember, at one point, looking up at the sky and it was covered with bomber planes and fighter planes. But these planes were from the World War 2 era. But, our weaponry on the ground were very modern. And I had the impression we were not fighting humans but aliens and shapeshifters.

There was one part of the dream when I was looking up at the planes and wondering which one was Shook and if he was all right. Then the next moment, I was running around the base because I thought I saw an intruder but nobody believed me. I think it was a shapeshifter. I realised it would be difficult to prove it wasn't who it kept shifting into so I followed it. By some miracle I was able to keep pace with it even though it changed shapes a few times. And somehow I knew I had to kill it. And I also seemed to know I could only do that by burning it, at which time it would shift into all its other shapes before dying in its original form. So I had to get it to a public place to kill it.

I chased that thing all around the base. At one point a soldier guarding the weapons depot took a shot at me because the shapeshifter turned into a general and told him to do so. But I pulled rank (so wow! Don't know whether it was my rank or Shook's) and grabbed some weapons.

Just before I woke up from the dream, I remember being very close to catching up with it and killing it when the base came under attack. There were explosions and gunfire and people shouting and of course, women shrieking and screaming. I actually took time, at one point, to stop and slap a woman in the kitchen just to shut her up. Then I picked up my gun and ran on.

And I think I woke up when I took a shot at a car passing by and it exploded.

I have no clue where these dreams come from but they're fun and part of the reason I'm still sleeping in our room.

Take into consideration that I get unusually depressed whenever Shook's not around, everyone notices that I'm grinning a lot more nowadays.

That's because I'm going to KL today. And because Shook's already in KL. And because when I talked to him yesterday and this morning, he sounded happier than he has ever sounded in awhile. And also because the baby lets me eat nowadays but still has a cap on the amount of food I can consume.

Is it any wonder I've lost close to 6 kilos in the past 3 months? Not that I am complaining. Shook's baby has achieved the one thing Shook has been trying to do in the past 8 years - get me to lose weight!

Haha! Baby's okay. I know it because I get a sharp pain when I talk to other men and I get tickled from the inside in the afternoons for no known reasons.

I'm okay because Shook's okay.

And my father, who I love very much, called my mom last night and said he lost his son-in-law. He quite forgot that he gets to come out much earlier from the plane because he's in First Class and in the first row. Shook was in row 14. My mom had a good laugh at them. And this morning I had to co-ordinate their breakfast despite the fact that I am all the way here and the two men I love most in the world are staying in the same hotel on the same floor just in two different wings.

And tonight, I get to see them both. Oh yay! And joy!

And, since I got my bonus from work, I'm going to buy my father a waterproof, lightweight jacket online. Hoodie or no hoodie and colour is up to him. I'll try to figure out what to buy my mom later once we're shopping in KL.

So, that's my goody news. I don't get very many nowadays so I treasure them when I do get them.

Imagine having heightened senses of smell and sound.

Imagine being surrounded by emotional and noisy teenagers whose bodies are also in the midst of changes therefore making their chemical make-up very erratic.

Imagine having problems sitting for too long and standing for too long.

Imagine having to sit in a really uncomfortable plastic chair while doing work that needs to be done.

Imagine having to hide when you're trying to take a quick nap because you are surrounded by people who think they are infinitely more virtuous and more hardworking than you.

Imagine your body metabolism increasing to cope with the new arrangements so fatigue is always at your heels.

Imagine such changes in your body making you feel very uncomfortable and miserable that all you want to do is find a sterile place where neither worry nor pain nor ache nor smell nor noise can reach you.

Above all, imagine yourself being surrounded by people who are too helpful or too self-absorbed.

Once you have done all these, then maybe, just maybe, you'll have an inkling to what I am going through every single day.

Maybe then you'll understand why I want to be with Shook all day every day because he is the only one who can help stabilise my body and my senses.

Maybe then you'll understand why I avoid doing certain things or going to certain places. It's not because I have an aversion to it or I don't miss it. It's because I find that I'd rather play it safe by not smelling certain things or hearing certain sounds than risk throwing up right into my plate or, worst yet, into someone else's plate.

Sometimes, I want to be selfish and say 'To hell with everyone who expect me to do what they want to do. To hell with everyone who want me to sacrifice my time for them. And, most of all, to hell with me spending my money on other people. I might as well spend it on me going to see Shook!'.

But, unfortunately, I was not brought up to be selfish. If I was, I would not have allowed Shook to stay at home before he left for Bintulu for his pilot license. I acknowledged that his parents and his sister will want to send time with him as well. Hell, I even sacrificed time with him so he could spend it with Yodie, who isn't even his! As near as Bintulu is, at that time, we were not sure if he could ever come home or if I could ever make arrangements to go see him. Even now, his breaks are shorter and further apart. And he allows me to be selfish so since I am an obedient wife, I will do as he asks.

But I am not cranky except in bursts of mood swings. However, I am always on the verge of tears probably because I am too used to keeping all my emotions inside. The hormonal changes are screwing up my self-control. I cried watching 27 Dresses, which isn't a tearjerker at all.

On the plus side, I'm going to see Shook this weekend and he's hopefully, fingers crossed, going to join us for the opening of Parliament. And I'm trying to get him home for Gawai but I might also drag him somewhere during that break.

Notice how most of my entries nowadays are very Shook-oriented? Just the way I like it, damnit! Luckily, I'm only doing it after we got married. I guess it's because I'm more secure about us now than ever before.

I seldom talked much about Shook before because imagine having to sit with someone who only gush about their partner or lover as if they have nothing else to talk about? I had to do that a lot in the US. I think I even knew the penis size of one of my housemates' boyfriend, which is way more information than I would ever want to know. And because she was American, I felt safe in telling her that I would have died just as happy not knowing that bit of information! Or even how they had sex. I mean, really. What are you trying to prove?

And this entry is just me venting and ranting. With a slight smile on my face. Because, despite my own emotional upheaval, Yati made my day by putting up a picture of Ewan McGregor on her blog. I love that woman.

I have discovered something odd about myself these past days.

I don't get morning sickness and I don't get cranky much. As long as I stay away from garlic (like all good vampires!), I am fine.

But for food to stay put, I have discovered that I can only eat what Shook likes to eat. I have got a miniature Shook growing inside me.

(Was it just me and my state of being or did that last remark sound really bad?)

I hope our next child will be more like me.

I think I'm ready for a change. Or maybe it's Shook's child talking. And no, contrary to anyone's belief, I am not using the child as a convenient excuse. Although you do have to admit that I am acting rather strange a lot nowadays.

I have been angry and in despair and depressed the last few weeks. But yesterday, after wallowing half the day, I got angry at myself for being stupid and sad. So I drank some Milo, took a 5-minute nap and when I woke up, I was fine.

And, incredibly, I got very chatty. I didn't feel like talking to my students or anyone though. I wanted to talk to Shook. So, despite being very sleepy still, I called him as soon as I got home. I bothered him for a good half an hour then took another nap.

It didn't do me any good because I was still sleepy when I went for my Toastmasters meeting. Then sometime during the meeting, a quote about anger was mentioned. Suddenly, a light went off in my head. I realised completely then how foolish I had been.

I believe things happen for a reason. I got angry with Shook and that girl because I was feeling inadequate and insecure. So, instead of facing myself, I took it out on them. Which is so wrong. I trust Shook so why did I keep punishing him? The fact that I realised that in the day and was reinforced in the evening strenghtened my convictions that I had done the right thing. I had no cause for worry. I also knew that even if Shook strayed (which he's had 8 years of chances of doing) it would be me he'll come back to at the end of the day. And that, above all else, is what I want.

And I figured that he has a very good female friend in KL so why shouldn't he need one in Bintulu where everyone else around him is young and juvenile? After all, I have close male friends too. So, since he's allowed me my male friends, I can afford to allow him his female friends. But, if they get too close, I will still pound the living daylights and their future generations out of them. I'm pregnant and hormonal. I have the right.

So, after all that, I'm no longer angry or depressed. I love him more than ever and I miss him enough to want to go see him any weekend from now. I trust him and hopefully, one day I can explain to him why I have such difficulty trusting people and why I keep expecting them to hurt me (which a lot of times, they never fail to fulfill my expectations).

But for now, I'm going to concentrate on myself, the baby and Shook. Not always in that order. I desperately need him because he keeps me calm and not nauseous. And we talked about the girl last night and now I feel for her. (See? I'm very amiable! This is very much the baby's fault. I'm not usually so amiable.) Anyway, the girl has problems of her own and she tells Shook and some he tells me. At least the work related ones. But if she has any problems about any kind of feelings for Shook, I don't care either anymore. She's Roman Catholic, she goes for confession and they believe in Hell! 'Nuff said!

But, on the whole, I'm better now. And I think I may have become a better person as well. At least, I hope I have.

In all the years I've known Shook, he has never actually come out and told me he loved me. He's more of an action person. He'll show me he loves me but he'll never say it. I believe this is because he feels that talk is cheap. Actions do better.

On the other hand, I'm more likely to say it often, not to bore him (I hope!) or anything but to assure him that I do. Then again, I also act like I love him and I don't try to beat him up as if I hate him. Not that I can beat him up, but you get my point.

So, with all that's been going on, I have long declared that on the day he tells me he loves me, I'm likely to fall off wherever I'm at and hit the floor with a huge thud!

What's really funny is, on the day he did finally say it, it was in a different language and I was already on the floor! His timing, being what it is, was either so bad or it was so that I had to behave once he did say it.

We were opening wedding presents on Sunday night and both of us sat in the middle of the floor surrounded by my family and his. Then we came across a present that Nuril read as 'plateau' and I went 'huh?'. Syuk said it was French for 'plate' to which Nuril replied that she didn't take French long enough to know. Then Syuk turned to me and said he loved me. In French! Being blur as I was I actually asked what he said. He replied 'I like you." and Nuril (bless her soul!) said "I thought it means I love you!"

So, no thud because I was already sitting on the floor. We were surrounded by family so I couldn't very well drag him back into the room. I got my long-awaited and long-fought-for 'I love you' but in a foreign language. And Arieanna spent the whole night pointing at Shook and demanding to be taken by him.

Ceh! I had to marry the one guy little children like so much!

Apparently, while I was spending lunchtime with Shook's parents, he was having lunch with my parents in Bintulu.

So, for a few moments, we exchanged parents. Haha! It's a weird feeling. Totally a first-time.

And he's coming home in a few days. I like you all a lot but I don't want to see you between Wednesday and Sunday.

I'll still go for singing lesson on Thursday but I'm going straight to his house after that. Haha! More alone time, if Yodie will allow us some.

I'm back in Kuching. It was a good weekend. Time alone with Shook always does wonders for my state of mind. With him away, I sometimes question his feelings for me. I even used to question it when he was here all the time.

I began asking myself exactly where I stand in his rank of priorities. Shook is not one for endearments and show of affection. He sometimes even allows me to believe he won't be faithful. He lets me believe he puts Yodie, Rin and Emma Watson above me. Oh, and not to forget his friends.

So it doesn't do a lot of good to a person's self-esteem when the person she loves does that.

But, since he's been away, he's been nicer and more...loving, for want of a better word.

I know now, he loves me although he has yet to say it. It's the little things he does. It's also the way he values my opinions and tolerates my fears. It's difficult to explain.

All I know for sure is that I do need reassurances and he does it well, in his own way.

So now, I'm reassured again. Enough to tell him he could go to dangdut bars if he wants to and go out on 'datesto help his friends if he needs to. Also, enough to not threaten to delete the Emma Watson wallpaper he has on his laptop or in his phone.

But give me a few weeks and I'll slide downhill again. Then again, in a few months, we'll be married.

Just when I am about to complain to Shook about Shook, he easily turns it around on me.

Last night, I was making a bit of noise about not being able to contact him from today until Wednesday. Today I got a message on my voice mail telling me his new temporary number. And just after he called me earlier this evening, I got a message from Rin saying Shook gave her his alternate number and sent hugs and kisses to Yodie.

So, when I called him later, my first question was 'How come Yodie gets hugs and kisses and I don't?'

I wasn't angling for a fight or anything. I was just teasing him. But the answer got me all weak inside. He replied 'No need to tell you. Yours are a given and automatic.'

How on earth can a person stay annoyed with someone like that? I wasn't even asking for a compliment or anything like that. But what I did get really whammied me between the eyes.

I just got back from Bintulu this morning. And yesterday, I spent all day with Shook. I landed at Bintulu airport at 8.30 a.m. By 9.00, I was in a limousine, that was supposed to be at my father's disposal, and headed to where Shook was staying.

I met his fellow cadets, who I have all invited to our wedding. They seem a very nice bunch, which is good. At least, he'll not get angry at them and get grumpy about being there. They really are kids. There is one of them who is really, really big and tall. And his big is not fat big, it's huge big. I can see him reaching to touch the ceiling if he stands. Fortunately, he never stood up around me because the first time he saw me, I was walking down from Shook's room to be introduced to them all and the second time, I walked in to bring them breakfast. They were very grateful and very sweet. They show a healthy respect for Shook because he worries about them. They're also grateful to me now because I brought them 8 horror movies to watch and I bought a tv tuner for Shook's laptop which means they get tv now.

Then I took Shook back to the hotel where he got online to catch up on all his missed websites. We watched tv for awhile then went for a walk to the nearby mall. Bintulu is really growing rapidly. The mall is not big but they have better products than we do. The hotel where we stayed had very good food and facilities. I'm more than happy to go back there for a holiday.

Shook had dinner with us at the ex-police function where I got a bit snarky because I was so tired. Luckily, he kept me entertained or else I would have pouted and grumbled.

We didn't do very much but we were together. And it was enough for that moment. Shook met a lot of key Bintulu people who now know who he is. The secretary of the ex-police association Bintulu branch asked me if I cried this morning because I was leaving Bintulu. I honestly told him I was just hanging on.

Now I'm feeling the creepings of depression setting in. It's not an outward thing but I can feel it. I just need one thing to trigger it and I know I'll be hit hard. I'm just barely stopping myself from crying. Worst thing is I know the cure. The cure is either Shook or listening to very depressing music until it pisses me off. And since I can't get Shook now, I'll do the music thing.

One day is not enough. I need more. I know I'll see him again in 12 days but it's only for that weekend. I'm dragging him to Harry Potter with me. At this rate, I think I'll be going to Bintulu every 3 months from next month on. Every school break I'm there! And I'm making him come home every break he has.

It's only been one month! 14 more to go...