Still Being Random

I just got back from watching V for Vendetta.

The movie is spectacular. I love it! I'll most probably buy the DVD when it comes out. My students will most probably hate it because there's lots of talk and not much action.

The dialogue was very good especially the monologue in the beginning. Herbert's Alison loved it because there were quotes from Shakespeare every now and again. I'm not sure how Nick's Dulcy felt about it because my focus at the end was to get home. But I get the impression that Dulcy is into horror and comedy flicks. She agreed with me on how Final Destination 3 was by far the goriest of the trilogy and she probably thought I was such a kid to be afraid of horror movies. But I explained to her that it's my imagination taking over where the movie left off that gets to me and not the movie itself. She looked like she wanted to laugh at me but didn't dare. Heck, I'd laugh at myself for being that silly.

The best part of the evening was when Shook greeted Herbert in their usual style and Alison actually looked scared. I think she did expect Shook to kiss Herb and she looked at me since she knew I had walked in with Shook. But I laughed it off and told her I've known it for a while and it's an ongoing joke among us now.

I told them to expect The Omen on June 6th and can you believe the girls didn't know what it was about?! Then again, even Nick looked perplexed. So maybe it's a you-had-to-be-born-at-that-time thing or you have to be a big movie nut. So I had to explain that to them too.

But V for Vendetta is a must-see. Despite the long narrative and constant talking, it was a great movie. It's a good movie for anyone who has ever joked that everything happens in the US to the US. This time, it's London, baby, and it's Big Ben!

I'd like to read the comic books so if anyone has it, please let me know. I don't mind if it's in soft copy or hard copy. I just want to read the whole series. And to see how far the movie differs from the comic books.

Sometimes I think pride is a terrible thing.

It figures that it's one of the seven sins but personally I think it's one of the worst ones to have. I only think this becase I have long realised that, while I am not perfect, I do try my best to be good. But the one thing I cannot bring myself to doing is to admitting I need help. I will do whatever is possible myself first before I seek others' help. Like money, for one. I'd rather not go out or not buy anything at all and above all else, I'd rather not borrow or be indebted to anyone if I could help it. Heck, I don't even ask my parents for money. Even when they offer it to me, I drag my feet in accepting it. They've offered to pay off my loans, my education fees. The've even offered to pay for my Masters but I'm dragging my feet because I haven't paid off my loans yet. And when they do pay for me, I feel so ashamed that I refuse to look them in the eye for a while. It really is horrible to be too proud. When I have a problem, I don't ask anyone for help. I actually psych myself up to overcome the problem before anyone even knows I have it. The times that I've been depressed and taken a knife to my wrist (the right way!) nobody knew because I didn't ask for help. Why? Because it felt like such an attention whore thing. And I don't like being the center of attention. So I talked and deluded myself out of the depression. I did all that positve thinking thing everyone talks about. My hormones still go haywire and I still get depressed but I walk away from it. I know my depression is still bad because every month I think about breaking up with Shook and running away from everyone because I think everyone hates me. (Well, they would have to hate you when they start asking why you would want to hang out wth them, wouldn't they?)

The other thing I am which I have slowly overcomed is my possessiveness. When I was in college, I hated anyone who tried to be friends with my friends. In fact, I detested it when other people tried to join my group of friends. I would ignore them or pout or even be mean to the new people. The thing is I knew I was doing it. But at that time, I didn't stop myself. I hated mysef for it but I did it anyway. Then I would try to get attention by making a big deal out of not joining them or making huge excuses why I don't like doing what they are doing. Looking back at it now, it seemed so juvenile.

They all come together, you know. My possessiveness led to me thinking people hate me. Which led me to being depressed. Which made me hate them and myself. Which brought to thoughts of suicide.

I was too proud to admit I was the one at fault.

Well, eventually I admitted it to myself first and foremost. Then I decided to be nice to other people. Unconditionally nice. If they didn't return the feeling or sentiment, then I figured it was their problem, not mine. But I tried and I still try. It hurts when people don't act as nice to you as you do to them. Sometimes it's their fault. Sometimes it's yours. Once we figure out which is which, then maybe we can start loving ourselves more.

I do the best that I can. I juggle my career, my family, my love, my friends and my interests to the best of my ability.

If people don't like me for who I am, it doesn't matter sometimes. I love who I am. I could be better and so I try to be better. But if people want to avoid me or say bad things about me or have bad thoughts about me when I've done nothing to them, then maybe they should start to think more rationally. After all, we only reflect our mental age through our behaviour not through our birth dates.

I had dinner at Room 205 on Sunday night with my girl friends. I have long realised that I need female friends to talk certain matters to which I just cannot do with guy friends. As understanding as the guy can be, he will never be fully able to understand the difficulties of being a girl or of being a daughter. If a guy gets angry with his parents, he has the option of yelling at them, holding a grudge until he dies or they die, he can hate them, he can ignore them, he can even move out! But girls have more difficulty doing these things. At the end of the day, a girl still needs her mother or her father for help and support.

So while I was out with the girls, we just laughed and poked fun at each other. Two of us there have boyfriends so we used the two singles as an excuse to go look at guys. Heck, we figured even if we can't touch, we can still look and maybe scout for guys for our single friends. I noticed that one of them has no flirting abilities at all and the other one claims she can't get drunk. So that's what brought up the idea of going to VA this Friday.

Anyway, one of them Stephanie has an awesome boyfriend who she'll most likely end up marrying. I've always enjoyed spending time with her because she's one of those truly beautiful women who is totally unaware of her own beauty. She's intelligent, witty, beautiful and very-down-to-earth. She's a pharmacist by qualification and she has problems just like the rest of us. Why did I add that bit in? This is because some people seem to be under the misguided impression that beauty is protection from problems. If you're pretty, you must be without problems. What a crock of shit! Talk about the Hollywood dream! The worst part about Stephanie is that she and her boyfriend look so perfect together. He is so clean cut and intelligent and understanding that he seems so perfect. But I do know that they argue and agree to disagree.

The funny thing is that all of us and every girl we know all agree that the best guy to have is the one who has nice short hair and a sense of humour. That night, out of the blue, Stephanie suddenly turned to me and said that I was lucky to find a nice Malay guy. My reply was 'Thank you, And he's only nice because he's not Malay. He's Melanau!'. I have yet to meet a 'nice Malay' guy. Am I being racist against my own race? Is that possible?

You see, I have some requirements in the guys I like. And Shook covers them all hence the reason why our relationship has lasted this long. I like guys who have a sense of humour, nice clean look (I'll never date a guy who has long hair because I don't like sharing my shampoo or spend time talking about split ends! So metrosexual!), intelligent, will not kow-tow to my famiy's status in society, know what they want in life and is prepared to go after it, will recognise a good opportunity when they see it, and most of all, will understand that a perfect relationship means an argument now and again. A boring relationship is one with no arguments at all and either one is too agreeable. And a boring guy is one who thinks only he is right and will not accept criticism or advice and does not know how to laugh at himself.

Most Malay guys I've met are either too serious, too tense, too low in self-esteem or they have an inferiority complex that they're trying to hide by being too full of themselves. Most of all, they lack the ability to laugh at themselves and refuse to admit they've made a mistake. I was once interested in Malay guys. But one kept telling me he thought I was too intelligent for him and the other lost his sense of humour after graduation. Imagine if I had married either one of them? It'd be a life full of either no arguments because I'm smarter or full of talk of work and no laughter. I'd be divorced within two years! Tenacious as I am, I'd be too bored to keep trying!!

The other thing I don't like is guys who act nice at first and then turn out to be assholes. You see, despite what some people think, we girls aren't stupid. We might fall for the nice veneer at first but even we eventually realise when a guy is a jerk. We each may have our reasons for staying with a jerk but we don't start out being happy to be with one. Besides, if you think about it, in the long run, these jerks don't stay happy for long and the girls who get them for a long time probably did something bad before in their lives. So they deserved each other. The good ones figure it out soon enough to cut their losses and run.

But I know of people who think that bad guys always get the girl. So they try to be bad. Sometimes I wonder if they realise that some bad guys only act bad but are actually very nice (like Shook and Will) and the real bad boys don't have very good lives for long. See? Karma does work! And I know of some guys who start out good but end up acting like assholes and jerks and pricks because they think it'll help them get laid! My wish to them? Good luck! And when you marry that girl you met at the bar or pub or club or rave party, don't wonder later why she won't stay at home or cook for you or care about what you think or feel or why she can't seem to string together one intelligent thought.

And to be fair, since this is not meant to be a guy-bashing post, I know of some girls who are assholes too. They are getting their just desserts even as we speak. And people wonder why I believe so strongly in karma. Because it's happened to me again and again.

And of all the guys I want to see end up with someone really nice, I am rooting for Jerome above all others. That is only because he deserves it. He's a very nice guy who has a beautiful sense of humour, who is comfortable with who he is and takes steps to better himself. He takes advice very willingly and remembers every advice anyone has ever given him. He's always first to admit he's been wrong and he learns from his own mistakes as well as his friends' mistakes. I know who would be great for him and he knows it too. I just need to keep asking if she's available now ;)

Despite my many misgivings about the place, apparently I'm going back to VA for Ladies Night this Friday with some girl friends.

Anyone else want to join us for a night away from the guys?

We can bitch all we want and let our hair down.

Thanks to Shook, I have discovered Dofus. It's a Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game or better known as MMORPG.

Now, for someone who has always been a casual gamer and not a hardcore-I-won't-sleep-until-I-finish-this-last-mission-and-maybe-not-even-then gamer, I have always resisted online games. I don't even participate in the Yahoo games. However, this one got me interested because it has the cutest animals ever. There is one that looks incredibly like Yodie but we can't seem to figure out what its name is.

My favourite beast due to its name in this game are the Wabbits. And the line that goes with them - Kwoque Ma Kawotte.

Anyway, I'm going to try it out now. I know it's cute because I saw Shook playing it when I left his house. And I think, by now, Azreen is most probably playing it too because she squeed when he showed it to her.

Well, excuse me while I try to reach Wabbit Island...or Pandala Island because the Pandalas are cute too.

After many years of avoiding the clubbing night life, I was finally talked (coerced?) into going clubbing on Friday night.

So, with a few colleagues - the only few I trust enough to call friends - I went to Victoria Arms at Merdeka Palace. The reason for the outing was to celebrate the birthday of one of those colleagues.

Despite being given the afternoon off, I still had to spend Friday afternoon running around helping a colleague to get things for the school library. I got home only at 5.45 p.m. which gave me just enough time to shower, wash my hair and dry my hair before I had to run out again to go get my colleague from a dinner function. As luck would have it, my parents asked me to send them to their dinner function first and I had to do it because my sister has got this problem with keeping time properly. But that's for another rant altogether.

Anyway, my colleague and I got to VA at about 8 p.m. which gave us just one hour to fill ourselves with free flow cocktails. After finding the others, we sat down and started drinking. I met so many ladies from all walks of life. That night, I was surrounded by women who definitely knew how to have fun without being loud or sleazy. We drank and talked and laughed and since there were only ladies there, everyone let their hair down and just enjoyed themselves.

By 9 p.m. I had already downed close to 10 drinks in quick succession and I had a little buzz going. As far as buzzes go, this one was like being bothered by a bee in springtime and not at all like the swarm during Gawai.

We were sitting in the area just next to the bar counter so I was able to watch the people who were staying close to the bar. There were these two men who look to be in their late 40s, who were definitely there in the hopes of getting lucky. Well, they got what they wanted because they were just buying drinks for every girl who went near them. At one point, one of them had his hands all over a young girl who look to be in her mid-twenties. And she kept looking at us as if to stake her claim on him. I felt like going up to her and say that I'm not so desperate that I have to go after a man at least twice my age but I wasn't drunk enough to be nasty. I felt almost sick to my stomach to see the man groping her and trying to get her drunk. Then she brought her friend over for the man's friend to start groping. I saw all this only because they were standing right in front of us!

The band played some very good dancing music so we went out to the dance floor and danced our hearts out. Some colleagues who didn't think I was the sort who can dance got a bit of a shock when they saw me dancing that night! One of them even said I'd catch the dancing bug once I started going out with them. Unlike them, I was never deprived because I once spent 3 whole months clubbing non-stop when I was in the US and 1 month getting drunk every night. So when I'm in Kuching, I stay away from clubs by choice because the clubs here don't play good music.

Anyway, the band played some really good songs so we had a blast. I'd go again but only with the right group of girls. Since I've been home, I don't go because the girls I knew went to places like that to either look for guys to screw or to make caustic comments of other people. That, or they go there only to sit and talk and if you drag them to dance, they'll make fun of your dancing or tell you that you're embarrassing them. So, I didn't go dancing with them.

Or maybe it's because they're annoyed that I tend to sashay a lot when I dance. You know the dance they called 'dirty dancing' in the 80s? That's how I dance. I learnt this from my clubbing days in the US. It was the dance you did with the guy you want to have sex with...except I didn't have sex. I just danced it then I walked away.

So I had fun. The smell of smoke went clear through to the roots of my hair but I had fun. I'd go again but only with selected company and not every week. And since I get bored very quickly, I know not to go too often.

But for only RM5 and free flow of your choice of cocktails, it was rather worth it. So yeah, I'd go. But only if the band plays songs like 'Sweet Child of Mine' and 'YMCA' as they did on Friday night. Haha!!

Quietly panicking...

Give me time to calm down and I'll love you forever...

Is there a bug going around? Other than the ones attacking kindergartens and birds, of course.

I think I've caught it. I've been feverish and my voice is a raspy one, almost sexy if it wasn't so painful and sometimes, my whole body just aches.

But stubborn as I am, I've gone back to work in those conditions, taught my classes, gone for dancing class and will be going for a teachers' jam session tonight. And I'm only going to the doctor in a few minutes.

Actually, I don't like going to the doctor. He gets me so drugged that I annoy myself. I hate being drugged so I do all I can to not get drugs. It's more hassle than it's worth. Bah!!

Dang bug!! Either I drug ya or I convulse, which I hate just as much if not more.

I had another post planned...about cool guys I know but I'll do this later, after I go sing.

I have been receiving emails from a 'takezo jika' sending a link to farzlife dot blogspot dot com. The thing is he's doing it through our Kuching Blogger mailing list.

I've listed him as spam because he's seriously starting to piss me off. If he is for real, can someone warn him about spamming before I report him to Yahoo or something? Someone with that much time on his hands really should go get himself a real job!