I just finished watching House season 3 and currently trying to get Season 4 episode 1. So while waiting for that and the new Bionic Woman season 1, I decided to watch the Criminal Minds season 1 that I bought.

And I also just realised, much to my glee, that I finished downloading the entire collection of Buffy and Angel comics as well as Heroes Season 2 episode 1.

I love it when my weekend is productive and going the way I want it.

As much as I regret not being able to see Shook this weekend, I guess I'm pretty content with how it's gone.

Now, I need to mark exam papers and prepare test papers. Who says teachers have weekends and holidays? The only one I have is the one at the end of the year. But this year, I'll be working even during the school holidays until the last three weeks of December. I hope I can take a week or two off before that to go to China. I'm hoping I could discuss with my boss for a few days off before the wedding and after.

Then there's my Toastmasters and my Alumni. Both demanding exco meetings and both giving me a headache. Oh well, half a year more and I'll be free. I just need to go a damn good job before my term is up. *sigh*

No, I'm not depressed. I'm just tired, thinking ahead of all the things I need to do before I can finally take a break.

It's late and I'm not as sleepy as I thought I was. But then again, I took a short nap in front of the TV a few hours ago.

I was on IM with Shook but he seemed to have disappeared while I was away getting something to drink. I'll wait I guess.

I also bought three DVD boxed sets. House season 3 and Criminal Minds Seasons 1 & 2. I love both shows. Now I'm downloading Heroes Season 2 and Prison Break Season 3. All I need is Supernatural to start again to make my life content.

I went for singing lesson on Thursday. Misato got Henrick and me to do All I Ask of You. We hit the pitch we were supposed to, which for me was an achievement. If you've ever listened to the song, you'll understand. Think Sarah Brightman. It was a bit difficult but I found that enjoying the singing was key to getting the pitch. Then I had to get the tune correct. But it was absolute fun.

I really wish I was heading out to Miri tomorrow. I miss Shook. Really need that hug, a cuddle and some human touch.

*sigh*

The song's not helping.


ETA: The temple got all quiet very suddenly. I wonder if the police I called finally got there. The Superintendent told me to call him again if they got noisy again. I have more patience than my sister. She was home early only today and complained straight to my dad in india! I've had to tolerate the noise for almost a month since my room faces the temple itself!

Either the noise from the temple is doing me more good than I give it credit for or I've been tired enough to hit my dream-state faster than ever before.

I got another dream last ngiht. Only this time I wasn't singing but I was hanging out with a boy band. I think they called themselves New Kids On The Block. But, before you shit yourself laughing your eyes out, it wasn't the Knight brothers or the Wahlberg or those other two. It was some other guys. Much cuter, better built and better singers. And I think, in the true typical teenage style, I liked one of them and he liked me. But we never said anything. Either we were working together or we just didn't think there was any point in pursuing a relationship.

Anyway, their real manager was a Morgan Freedman lookalike with a similar disposition. At one point, he tried to get me to do something and it just clicked with me that I didn't want to do it anymore. He gave me a choice: do it or walk away. I chose to walk away. And I said it out loud in front of one of the guys. He was coming after me to change my mind when I woke up.

At this rate, I am so going singing tonight. Maybe it'll purge all this singing dreams out of my head.

I've been having a series of really odd dreams recently. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been sleeping fairly early to avoid listening to the noise from the temple behind my house. The last time I was bothered by the noise I slept late and woke up with a headache. And because they kept me up until 1.30 a.m. I let the house alarm go on for a good few minutes when it was triggered in the morning. If they want to keep me up until late, I was definitely going to wake them up as early as I had to be up.

Anyway, my dream. It's the best and the most chaotic so far.

I dreamt I was to perform The Phantom of the Opera on stage. In my dream, my student was one of the cast members too so her parents were driving us to the venue. When we got there, it was a typical stage performance venue. Backstage was chaos with everyone running everywhere and there was lots of yelling. The odd thing was that there was no dress rehearsal. Heck, there was no rehearsals at all. That day was show day itself.

Anyway, one guy, most likely the producer, was allocating numbers to cast members depending on their roles. My student was number 7. I remember because she kept saying it over and over again. Being me, I kept quiet while trying to understand the number system. Everyone had a number based on their order of importance. Then the producer looked at me and asked for my number. I was a bit confused so I replied that I didn't know and that all I knew was I was to play Christine. He literally jumped and said, "You're number one! Come with me!"

He led me to my dressing room which he said I was sharing with my co-star. When I walked in, there were two beds with a curtain partition in the middle of the room. On one bed was a guy sleeping. When I asked who he was, the producer said "Oh, he's the Phantom."

And I could swear it was Jared Padalecki.

Anyway, the scene changed and I was wearing a dress exactly like the one for Christine Daae. And I was being hassled on stage. Jared was singing his bit (very well, I might add!) and I knew my turn was coming up. My only thought though was that I had no clue where to go on stage. There had been no rehearsals and I was so winging it.

Well, I walked on stage and jumped right into The Music of The Night which flowed into The Phantom of The Opera. And I sang so well that I shocked myself.

I think I dreamt on for most of the show. Then, just as we were about to get to the point near the end where the mob was going into the labyrinth to go after the Phantom, my alarm went off and I woke up.

It was an exciting dream. I want a repeat or a sequel, damn it!

A lot of my depression comes from the fact that I'm stressed from work and wedding preparations. Teaching is, after all, one of the top most stressful work ever. And a wedding is stressful enough.

Other than that, I just need to stay away from people awhile and then I'm fine. I know I'm getting better when I feel bad about snapping at others.

Oh, I tried this dream house blueprint thing and got this.

I was just about to cheer the fact that the temple right behind my house finally decided to quieten down and let me sleep or, at least, have some peace when they started banging the drums again!

Aaaarrghh! I am never usually made cranky by any pills popped or by any type of cold or cough or chest pains but this time I am. And I think one of the major reasons is that stupid drumming I have to hear every single night. They will thump-thump-thump and then at the crescendo of the drumming, they'll all yell. It's frustrating, annoying and just downright rude. And the guys who patronise this temple are known to be gangsters. Who apparently fear ghosts.

Let me sleep, damn it!!

I'm sleepy all day. I even steal a nap or two during the work hours, which is something I never thought I'd do since it just seems so unethical. I snapped at Shook, very irrationally, I might add. I pout and pull a tantrum like a spoilt brat. And I cannot stop coughing, which in turn hurts my chest. I might go back to the doctor tomorrow to have it checked again since I finished my meds today.

The only good thing that's happened so far is that my wedding planner has taken over the overseeing of the wedding. I'm not free yet but I'm out of that damn woods. Those woods that are my wedding in name only yet not mine in reality. The next time there's a wedding involving my house, I'm hoping to be out of the country until the extreme last minute.

The other good thing is that the room which is mine and Shook's temporariy until our house is built is looking better than the one in our house which is being built. It has a nice corner shower stall with very Sims-like doors. It even has a medicine cabinet behind the mirror. I didn't think Malaysians even knew what that is! But it's all looking very pretty. The only thing is I'm almost laughing thinking if Shook will ever get to use it! He's only going to fly in on Friday to get married on Saturday, sit through two receptions then fly back on Sunday evening. Ah, so sad! A lesser person will cry in despair. Me? I may be pathetic but even I can see the joke in that. Only good thing I see from that is that I get to spend more time with my two very good friends who are flying in especially for this wedding.

Ah! They've stopped thumping. Oh, the blessed silence! Maybe now I can go to bed. And have a nice dream. Hopefully one where Angel does not try to make me laugh at Gunn and Wesley's jokes. Make me fell like Illyria, why don't you, Angel?

Or maybe I should stop working on my fanfiction for awhile. But then why don't I dream of the Winchester brothers?!

Angel is better at brooding than Dean, that's why! Haha!

I'm just tired and cranky. There! How's that for an opening statement?

I can keep my temper in check at work but, at home, it's harder. My mom doesn't seem to understand how busy work is. Maybe she really does believe I work like other teachers - sit there and do nothing. Trying to explain to her is as pointless as trying to tell my younger sister to be more matured and responsible.

I'm also still on my medication, which adds to the tiredness and crankiness. I would love to go to bed by 9 and wake up at 9 the next day. But I can't. The temple behind my house is making a whole lot of noise because they're scared of ghosts. But they will act all gangster-like and threaten people with their souped up, modified-to-the-max cars. So much for macho! Then when my sister comes home, she slams doors and pounds up the stairs.

Then, by 6, I have to wake up while everyone is still asleep. I'm just going to have to wait for the weekend. But with my parents going away, guess who is left with all the responsibilities again? Because of that too, I can't go to Miri to visit Shook for his birthday.

Then, there's my sister who seems to think she is the centre of the universe. Her friends are smarter, better and think of her always. Yeah, right. Let's see your friends try to pay and maintain you with the lifestyle you lead. See if they care about you when you don't have a car or money to spend.

I'm just very tired. I need more sleep. Unlike some people I know, I don't get a 4 hour break in the middle of the day so that I can go visit my boyfriend's house whch is much, much further away than my youngest sister's tuition place but will complain about having to help pick up youngest sister anyway.

Am I pissy? Yes. Can you blame me?

Someone said that stress is a thinking man's disease. So, if you're hardly ever stressed, does that mean you hardly do any thinking? Just wondering.

And I've been so stressed that I've been sick almost every single month this year. I got a very high fever on Saturday while at Wil's place. But we still manage to have the barbecue and all. I just passed out in front of the TV after that. My fever was on and off and got into a full-blown high fever during the night. My Sunday was in a daze because I drugged myself just to keep the fever away.

And I realised that I want to hide my head somewhere just so I don't have to listen to people nagging me about my wedding. It doesn't help that I have to do what is expected and not what I want. But considering that a big wedding was not what I wanted in the first place, I guess what I want no longer matters. I wish more people would understand this. And everyone I try to talk about this to either don't care or think I'm bragging. I can see their eyes glaze over and I'm not bragging. I don't want a big wedding much less two wedding receptions. I don't like all the work that goes into it since it's for other people's benefit rather than my own. And although I never wanted this wedding, I'm the one expected to work on it in addition to all the year-end chaos at work and the Raya coming up. So much is expected of me and all I'm asking for is a sympathietic ear. But nobody wants to lend one. So if anyone wonders why i'm getting distant, this is it. It's because I stopped caring. You all want a robot, well, you got one.

I don't understand why people are so in a hurry to get married. Is it because their friends are married? Is it because they think it's so cool to be married? Honey, it's not as easy as it looks. Having a relationship is not easy. It's a lot of compromise and sacrifice. If you're not prepared to do either, I would recommend you don't even think about being in a relationship, much less being married. If you're going to cry everytime he doesn't jump at your command or scream at him everytime he says no, then you do not deserve to be with anyone. And I know most guys will find it easier to walk away when the girl does stupid things like cry and yell and scream when they don't get what they want.

For the record, I'm getting married because it's the right time for me and Shook. He doesn't mind it and neither do I. And I believe this marriage thing with the preparations and all have helped us understand each other a little more. But if left to the two of us, all our wedding will consist of is a trip to the tok kadi to marry us off and after that a lunch or dinner with a very small group of friends and close family. That's it. That has always been my plan. But now that plan has gone out the window and flown to the remote regions of Africa!

And who is the one in pain? Me. Damnit! It's about time I did a me, me, me thing. Usually even when I'm complaining I end up listening to other people's tale of woe.

I did a short test the other day on a psych website and I might have adult ADD and am bipolar. Now I'm almost tempted to go see someone at Normah but I won't. Because I'm not a problem to anyone but myself. So I'll wait.

For now, I'm just going to rant and feel sorry for myself. I'm allowed that much, at least.

I'm having mixed feelings about this weekend.

On one hand, we will be going to see Wilfred at his kampung. He wants to show off his new aquarium and new fishing spot to Shook.

It was a weird coincidence on Wednesday night. After taking Shook from the airport, we went to his place to put his stuff down. Then, before dinner, we went to Greek's. While there, I asked him if we could go see Wil this weekend and he said okay. So I messaged Wil and when I got no reply, I messaged Tremas. She called me to say Wil was at Greek's. After much talk, I called him on his new number. He called me back to say he was at Pizza Hut and asked us to join him, Simon, Michelle, Dylan and his wife. I think her named was Henrietta/Marietta? It could have been something else entirely for all I know too.

So it was a funny coincidence that Wil was in the area the same time I decided to message him. Also, the guys were not supposed to go up to the kampung this weekend but since Shook is only here then, they changed their programme from next weekend to this weekend. Dylan suggested Rayu but it's just too much hassle. Besides, Rayu is not Wil's kampung where we generally do as we please anyway.

And after that we went to a drinking place where Wil decided to buy drinks for everyone. He even bought dinner for everyone. I finally got my bottle of Absolut Kurant. Wil promised that next time, we'll do Absolut Citron and the other flavours just so I could get the bottles. See why I love Wil? Hee! Hee!

And all the stories of times gone by when he and Shook were hanging out with Leon and Mac a lot came out. Simon thought it was very apt that the first time I met Wil was at Eagle's Nest where Shook invited me to for a drink. I remember Wil was all happy then and started egging Shook on about inviting a girl over. Very supportive that guy but very funny too. He's also very generous when he has money. He makes it easy for people like me to be nice to because I know the favour will be returned.

We're supposed to go to Miri at the end of the month. I told him I was going and we told him about how good Miri is now. He immediately wants to go too and he managed to get Simon to agree as well. Very weird but in a funny way.

The only thing I don't like about this weekend is that Shook leaves not at 4 p.m. on Sunday as usual but most likely at 4 a.m. A few of them have decided to drive back to Bintulu because they want their cars there and then drive back here for Raya.

I'm worried, despite the fact that I know he'll be careful. I guess I won't stop worrying until he calls me from Bintulu.

On the plus side, we got his PSP repaired and I saw the PSP Slim & Lite. Shook promised to buy me one next year. I'm hoping the other colours get here by then.

Last week, my boss asked me why I'm not all dizzy about my wedding. I didn't have the heart to tell her that, if I denied it long enough, I'm hoping it'll just go away.

Anyone ever wonder why I don't talk about it? It's because it scares the living daylights out of me. And I rather not talk any more than I have to about it because I'm hoping I could go to sleep on the 8th and wake up on the 12th of November.

When I get angry with Shook now, I can walk away. Where do I run to when I get angry with him after July next year?

A part of me still doesn't want to be married and I don't understand why some people are desperate to be married. I don't even understand the need to be with someone. I was fine on my own for the years before Shook came along. And since it took him one year to convince me, I figure I was still fighting it even then.

If anyone really believes I'm giddy about this wedding or being married, they are seriously deluded and need to go to Normah and check out the psych ward.

My day started out normal. We had breakfast at Hilton because I wanted to see the Habib Jewels exhibition. I almost got the wedding rings I wanted but they only had Shook's size and not mine. So I have to look at other options now.

Then I went to Sematan with the parental units because my father had a function to attend and the people organising it insisted we all went along. So we did. I had a nice talk with my cousin's wife, during which time she reminded me that it really isn't a good idea to piss off the people of my clan. Either things happen or things don't happen, depending on which one people want. I do know that my father has what the Malays like to call 'mulut masin' or salty mouth, for direct translation. All it means is that anything he says would usually come true. So he avoids making pessimistic predictions now because 9 times out of 10, they come true. I've seen it happen.

As for me, I can sometimes do the same but my mouth is not as salty. Probably because I never really say things that I mean out of malice. But there have been times when I have wished ill on some people and coincidence or not, the wish has come true. It might take a few years to happen but it does. But it only happens to people who wish me ill to begin with. The Malays call this 'tulah'. Kinda like karma. More like bad things happen to people who don't treat me with respect or if I've done nothing wrong to.

Bt I seldom believe these things. If they were true, not only would there be many dead people lying on the streets but there would be very, very many unhappy people whose misery I will be gleeful about.

Anyway, I got back from Sematan and was about to take a shower to get ready for dinner out when my mom told me my grandaunty had just passed away at 6 p.m. today. So I got dressed again and went with them to the house. Everyone had been expecting it so it wasn't a great surprise. She had been suffering from colon cancer for 6 years and everyone is glad she's no longer suffering. She did make it to my engagement last year so I'm all right. Shook remembers her.

So, I had a non-existent weekend. I am so glad Shook has no political aspirations because it sucks big time to be in that field. I'm never doing it because it takes away precious family time. And I hate the back stabbing. Some people I know would do extremely well in it, despite their denials that they would. Some other people I know wish to be in it but I know they will be chewed to bits and spat out by the sharks. I can play politics well but each time I do, I can feel my goodness seep away. Almost like a D&D game or like playing Fables. So, no. Not worth my immortal soul. I may not be the most pious person around but I do worry for my immortal soul and Shook's. Thank goodness, I don't need to teach him anything about religion or I'll have to do double time in hell for teaching the wrong thing!

So the purpose of this post is that my weekend sucked, I'm tired and cranky and the only good thing out of this is that I reached the peak of my bad mood and Shook got a lash of it. So things should only get better from here on. If it doesn't, there'll be hell to pay because I do have some lingering issues with some kiddies I know and I might just explode.

Shook will be home on Wednesday and I've got him for dinner on Thursday. I'll probably let him break fast with his parents one of the days he's here. And I'll see how he feels about meeting up with Will over the weekend. I miss Will.

Apparently, while I was spending lunchtime with Shook's parents, he was having lunch with my parents in Bintulu.

So, for a few moments, we exchanged parents. Haha! It's a weird feeling. Totally a first-time.

And he's coming home in a few days. I like you all a lot but I don't want to see you between Wednesday and Sunday.

I'll still go for singing lesson on Thursday but I'm going straight to his house after that. Haha! More alone time, if Yodie will allow us some.

While searching for videos on the Korean War for my class, I found this incredible one of a dogfight.

It is one heck of an incredible video. I watched it three times because I found the rolling scissors move just incredible.

I am in one of my picky moods. I want to eat but I don't feel like eating the food provided. I want to go out but I don't feel like going out to certain places. I want to meet friends but I can't decide which friends I want to spend time with. Worst of all, when friends don't call me to go out, I feel like going out. When I am out, I only want to go home.

It's a very annoying, frustrating moment. Nothing I do could make it any different.

The only time when I feel closest to being at peace with myself, is when I'm on the phone with Shook.

Something happened to me in Miri that scared even me. My mom called nagging me about the wedding preparations. When I told her that no matter what I do, it would still be pointless since I was in Miri, she replied with a very snarky 'I'm not the one getting married. And if you cannot get married on that day, it's not my problem.'

I felt like telling her that it was never my idea to get married. They took the choice out of my hands and ran with it. So why pick on me? At that moment, the first thought was one of absolute defeat. I had the thought that if I killed myself at that very moment, Shook would be free to find someone prettier, slimmer, smarter, my parents would only have 2 daughters to think about, there wouldn't be a wedding to get worked up over and I won't be alive to feel used and criticised and hated. Also, I won't be the shmuck who does everyone's dirty job while they rant about how ineffective what I had the guts to do was.

So, for half an hour, it felt like a win-win situation. But I would like to believe that Shook knew how I felt and kept trying to talk me out of the feeling. At one point, I know I zoned out and just functioned automatically. We were walking along the road in Miri and I was aimlessly walking towards the road. Until Shook pointed a car he said was a 'landak' (porcupine) with all the flags on the roof. That snapped me out of it and I had to laugh.

But it worries me that these mood swings happen every month now. And every month, I dictate a suicide note in my head and plan my own death. And through it all, I feel very much alone. So alone that I refuse to think about what Bernard always says because I can feel what he's saying.

I found this quotation : “Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” by Paul Tillich

Oh, a quick one. Really.

I grabbed a pair of jeans this evening and put them on thinking they were my usual, nice, comfy, baggy ones, only to realise later that they're not.

The best part is they are the pair I have lying around and have not worn in a year because they got a bit tight at the end of last year. And they weren't even tight and uncomfortable. They were just nice to wear.

And just when I had decided that I want to lose fat and gain muscles rather than lose weight.

I don't want to just lose weight because I want to keep my butt and my breasts. Hee! Hee!

I'm back in Kuching. It was a good weekend. Time alone with Shook always does wonders for my state of mind. With him away, I sometimes question his feelings for me. I even used to question it when he was here all the time.

I began asking myself exactly where I stand in his rank of priorities. Shook is not one for endearments and show of affection. He sometimes even allows me to believe he won't be faithful. He lets me believe he puts Yodie, Rin and Emma Watson above me. Oh, and not to forget his friends.

So it doesn't do a lot of good to a person's self-esteem when the person she loves does that.

But, since he's been away, he's been nicer and more...loving, for want of a better word.

I know now, he loves me although he has yet to say it. It's the little things he does. It's also the way he values my opinions and tolerates my fears. It's difficult to explain.

All I know for sure is that I do need reassurances and he does it well, in his own way.

So now, I'm reassured again. Enough to tell him he could go to dangdut bars if he wants to and go out on 'datesto help his friends if he needs to. Also, enough to not threaten to delete the Emma Watson wallpaper he has on his laptop or in his phone.

But give me a few weeks and I'll slide downhill again. Then again, in a few months, we'll be married.

I heard this line while watching Mad Labs on National Geographic and I love it!

"It's better to have a short one that works than a long one that no one can suck on."

I thought it was hilarious. It's also in reference to a snorkle mask, hallo!