Still Being Random

Oh no! I think I've got it really bad!

I'm so excited to see Shook tomorrow that my heart actually hurts.

I was always too cynical to believe that anyone could miss anyone else that way. I mean, how could you possible miss someone so much and then get so overjoyed to see them again that it hurts? It just defies logic.

But some romantic will come along and say, with love, anything is possible.

Then again, I used to be a romantic. Then real life came along and bit me in my big behind. That was when I started to get very depressed. And honestly, you're not depressed until you've contemplated your suicide note and how people will find it. I'm no sucker for torture because I know when to cut my losses.

But, for now, I am going to see Shook tomorrow!!! Life is great! Life is cool! Life is happy, happy, joy, joy! Yay! Nothing can keep me down for long today. Tonight I'll go sing. Literally.

I find it funny that girls solve problems easier than guys do. We either admit we're wrong or we walk away. And we're more rational.

Sometimes being all macho really is a bad thing.

Haha!

Oh well, life goes on, I suppose.

You know how you don't start out feeling down or melancholy but it jumps on you anyway?

I have it now. I don't even know why. Part of my mood swing thing, I guess.

I talked to Shook last night. He tried to make me forget a lot of things. I guess the female in me refuses to forget. Yet, the aggressive bit of me wants to pulverise and destroy.

I hate losing friends or even potential friends. But this is me. I'm the person who now refuses to even hear about a certain 'friend' I once knew. She made one mistake. She put an expiry date on our friendship. More like a timeline, probably. How would you feel if someone told you "You're my past friend. They are my present friends."?

So I did what I always wondered I could do. I walked away and never looked back. Want to know a persona non grata in my life? She is it. Another friend keeps trying to talk to me about her but I usually pretend I don't hear. And you know what's worst? I'm not even tempted to find out. No curiosity, no cares, no feelings at all for her. I was told she had a baby. I felt nothing so I didn't ask if she was okay or if the baby was a boy or a girl. There was no longer a need for social niceties and courtesy.

So when I say I can cut someone out of my life, I know I can because I've done it before. And what I've done once, I can do again. And this person was my best friend. It's been more than 7 years since I cared about her. Anyone else would be no problem for me.

I never say I hate someone unless I mean it. I might not be loud but I can be mean and cold. I admire the Mafia for this reason. A bit of me follows what they are like. And when I feel someone is not worth the courtesy or my time, I stop caring. Being emotionless is easy for me. But then again, so is being impartial and fair.

Racism I can take. I don't like it but I can take it. Although I always say that a person cannot be blamed for the sins of their fathers, I also keep in mind that an apple never falls far from the tree. I don't judge people immediately but I will give them enough rope to hang themselves. And if they're found wanting, I stop wasting my time on them. I will make allowances for the people I love. But it doesn't mean I turn a blind eye.

The purpose of this post? A warning, I guess. I can and will turn away from those I find of no consequence. The only people who can change my mind are Shook, my mother and my father. But even then, I reserve my opinions and my judgements. When I am eventually proven right, which I always am, I don't gloat. But I will make sure my original displeasure is made known. There are some people in my family who my parents are trying to get me to accept again. I am stubborn, if nothing else. I don't show these people any courtesy until they show the same to my parents. I refuse to greet them until their children greet my parents. Most of all, they know I'm judging them and they know I'm watching them. And they know I will make my thoughts known to my parents. I'm not loud about it but I can be sharp. I know where it hurts them the most. I've used that knowledge before so I can use it again.

Most of all, I decide based on action, not words. Anybody can talk a bird down from the trees but nobody can hide what they really are.

An attitude was brought to me last night which I actually found more offensive than I thought. At the time, I saw it as a joke on the offensive person. After feeling my way around it, I now realise that I'm really offended.

It wasn't so much the way it was delivered or the message that was delivered. It was more of the attitude of the person delivering the message. In this sense, my pride was nudged and I just find it worth maiming for.

I pride myself in thinking that I'm pretty smart. Sometimes, I let my guard down and zone out not because I don't understand but more because the people I'm interacting with take too long to get to the point. I never denied having a very, very short attention span. I know that there is a chance I have ADD but I never bothered to get any sort of confirmation. I just know that when someone speaks too slowly or takes too long to make sense or get to the point, I actually switch off or get distracted. Rather cat-like, really.

And because my brain moves much, much faster than my hand or mouth can keep up, I tend to either scribble a lot or stutter a little. My stuttering is not a sign of dumbness but more of my brains hitting the brakes to wait for my mouth to catch up. And I need to do this because when I was young, people had to remind me countless times to slow down when I speak.

So when some schmuck comes along and hints to me that he thinks I am dumb, I get a bit peeved. I get offended when said person has a hard time comprehending any word that has more than 3 syllables in it. I am now offended enough to tell Shook about all this and then let him take over for me. Although I can and do keep up with Shook even at his most elitist, my brain moves too fast for my mouth to follow. Shook slows his down well enough to make the person listening look like they have an IQ of less than 25!

Despite the fact that I do hold 3 degrees (which is 3 more than offensive numbnut has!), I am first to acknowledge the fact that I have a lot to learn and that there are smarter people out there.

I also safely acknowledge the fact that I do come from an old family that use to own a quarter of Kuching. (I think the other 3 quarters were owned by Bernard's, Rin's and Shah's families) My family owned most of the Green Road area where I live now. My father's family brought Islam to Sarawak and ruled over a good chunk of Borneo and parts of the Middle East, my mom's family were advisors to the Brooke family. We had money when money was scarce, especially during the Japanese occupation. My grandfather had the 15th car in Kuching. Our house had tarred roads when other people had gravel. I grew up being told that I am royalty by virtue of my ancestry within my religion. My family has a pew in the Anglican church. My family dabbled in politics since before the current politicians even thought of being politicians.

If I wanted to be a snob, I can be. The thing is I chose not to be. Because my parents brought me up the right way. I also set a high standard for myself and I try to live up to that standard.

The last thing I need is a Mr Bigmouth from Nowheresville in Hickstown to tell me I'm stupider than he is. You can criticise my weight and my looks and my built. But don't even think of criticising my intelligence. I'm smart enough to know when to speak, when to shut up and when to play blonde.

Dipstick just flaps his lid with no thought at all. Explains why he is with the one he is.

First, we could not access a lot of websites. Now we seem to be able to access a lot.

I wonder who is responsible for this.

Oh well, as long as I don't have to be the one who tries to justify why I need Facebook and Blogspot accessible.

Did that make any sense? Because I didn't bother sleeping last night.

Someone made a Bumblebee out of paper. It looks easy enough but I am well aware of the work that went into it. The site is in Chinese, I think, but it looks very interesting. So those of you who have nothing to do, no life or just a major fan of robots, maybe you could try this out. Haha!

First, I couldn't connect to the Internet to save my life!

Now, after various complaints to various areas (including one to the CEO of Telco himself and another to the contractor who is renovating my house), now it connects even before my computer is fully started up! My internet is running so smoothly that it's scaring me.

Why? Because if it screws up again, I would already know what it feels like to have the perfect internet connection! And then to lose it would be heartbreaking!!

I finally watched Bride & Prejudice last night. I thought it was pretty interesting. I'm so used to listening to Hindi music than it was fun to listen to it in English. But all the Bollywood cliches were there. Which sort of added to the fun.

I have always wondered why people generally fell for Darcy in any version of Pride & Prejudice. But in this one, I thought he was so hot.

I'm almost very sure it was the suits he wore that did it. But when he wore jeans and leather jacket, I thought he was hot anyway.

So maybe, he just was. Hee!

PS: Right now, my neighbour is singing 'Unbreak My Heart' very badly. I can feel his pain.

Last night, Misato took out the one songbook I've been dreading yet hoping for. She took out Phantom of the Opera. Rather gleefully, I might add.

Then, she started pointing out the songs she wants us to do. The Angel of Music and All I Ask of You. The Angel of Music is for all three of us: Gette, Henrick and myself. All I Ask of You will be a duet for me and Henrick. Of course, I get to do all the Christine bits. Which makes it more scary.

The other song Henrick has to do is A Little Fall of Rain with Gette but, at least Gette has been singing that song on her own for the past month anyway.

So yeah, if I suddenly go into a Phantom craze again, this is why. The one musical I seem to feel the need to live up to and Misato hits me with it now. It doesn't help that this is the musical that got me started on all other musicals. So if I screw this up, I am so not worthy!

A person's level of intelligence, or smarts, should not be defined by how well they did in the formal institutes of learning, but by how well they cope with real life.

A certificate from an institute of learning only gets you as far as the front door of your job. It's what you do inside that door that determines whether you stay or go.

I's the same with real life. You can be a genius at your job but you might not even know which of your friends is going to screw you up later. I know of people who can recite the entire periodic table to me but they just don't seem to understand when I want them to back off!

I'm a very private person. There are lots of things that goes on in my head that I don't reveal. Little thoughts. Thoughts that I think might be insignificant to others. Thoughts that might be so huge that it can offend others. I reveal certain thoughts only to certain people. Right now, only Shook is privy to most of my thoughts. Even then, there are some I keep close to me.

Another thing I absolutely am almost fanatic about is my personal space. If I want to hug you, I'll make the first step. If I want to touch you, I'll make the first move. If I want to sit next to you, I'll sit next to you and face you. If I don't make the first move, or take the first step or if I turn away from you when I have to sit next to you, even an absolute moron will know I don't want to be anywhere near you! If you need to be told, then you need to be more aware of life around you!

My room and my house is my own sanctuary. It's always been a matter of courtesy for me to call someone and ask if I can come over to their house or I'll ask if I can go into their room. I never assume I can. Even now, I still call ahead or inform first if I want to go to Shook's house. And I have a key to that house!

And if I call and they say they're busy, then they're busy. What they're busy doing is really their concern. Not mine and not anyone else's. And this is usually the same courtesy I expect from a logical, thinking adult. I don't expect a dog or a cat to know when it can come into my house. I don't even expect a child to know although I've met children who do know. But I definitely expect it from my friends, my relatives and most adults I come across. If they cannot do even this minor thing, then not only do I wonder at their intelligence, or lack thereof, but I also wonder how they can be alive as long as they have!

Nobody has the right to assume they are always welcome in another person's house. I may say a person is welcome anytime because I am Asian and I was brought up to be polite and nice. But it does not mean anyone can just appear at my gate at anytime they like. People like this cannot live overseas because in places like the US, you might get shot for trespassing!

Granted that this may be how I run my life and not everyone is like me. But why run the risk of making people hate you by assuming they are not like me?

And when you think of it that way, 'assume' really does make an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'.

The best way to learn about the Internet is to explore it.

How can you expect to learn about it or fully utilise it if you only go to one same stupid website?

I am not able to access my internet from home the past few days. And the internet at work has limited access due to sites being blocked.

So, on that note, whatever possible blog posts I have need to be put on hold for awhile. Trust me, I have a lot to say but I need a relaxing environment to write them all. Work is an insane chaos so no tranquility there.

My other option is to do what Nick does. Carry my laptop around looking for free wifi access. Maybe I'll do that this weekend. After all, we hang out at those places a lot. It shouldn't be much of a hassle.

I've been getting all these forwarded emails of warnings. They seem to know all the details and what to look out for. The most recent one I got is about going into taxis that have purifiers and perfume spray which later knock the passengers out and then the passengers get raped or/and robbed. The other one I got was about those people who give out little cards at Saberkas and Sarawak Plaza. Apparently, when you do sign up to their deals, your credit card gets maxed and you get robbed.

I can't verify them because we don't have a local Snopes.com that I know off. So my only question is that if the person who originally wrote the emails to be forwarded knows so much about it, why didn't they make an official police report and shut them down? Or even go to the press about it. After all, all the papers like these little scandals. Why spam our mailboxes? It's not like we can do anything.

That's the thing about us. We do all these passive things and we complain and gripe about it. If you feel that strongly about it, go tell someone in authority. When all else fails, do what everyone does - go to the newspapers, where all dirty laundry, except their own, is aired.

It doesn't help my mood when people regard office property as their own personal property and become possessive about it.

To me, one bloody ream a day from a printer that's used by at least 45 teachers is not much. Bloody bitch!

It's not as if the cunt is paying for it herself!

I'm on the verge of going to the deputy principal's office and ranting to him about it. If this goes on, I want my own frigging printer, damn it! I don't even print that much. When I do, it's for the students!