Still Being Random

One thing has been bothering me the past few days. Well, I read about it last week and have not seen anything else about it. I hope this means that someone has been shown the error of his statement and has been asked to be realistic about it.

For years now, we have nicely called the Mat Rempits as Mat Rempits. Basically, they are motorcyclists who race illegally on the streets usually at night. At first, I admit, they were impressive and fun to watch. Then, like all youths or very immatured people, they got big-headed and started showing off. They also got dangerous.

Generally, if they are only dangerous to themselves and killing each other, I won't give a rat's ass what happens to them. Less stupid people on the road, as far as I am concern. But, what they did was get dangerous for all road users.

Imagine this scenario: You are driving at night, maybe to get home from work, maybe to meet up with friends, maybe even just out for a drive with your family. Then you hear loud vrooming noises. Suddenly, some youths on motorcycles, a few with pillion riders, come zooming by. They're not moving in order. In fact, they are zigzagging in front of you, behind you while yelling out, probably making obscene gestures. Some of them are not even sitting in their seats; some are lying on them! You dare not swerve out of their way because they are everywhere. You evade one and you might run into another. You might consider honking them to warn them or remind them you are there, but they might take it the wrong way and gang up on you. Even worst, if you're a girl driving alone or even a few girls in the car, you definitely don't want to attract their attention. You'll be lucky if all they do is smash up your car and beat you up. Imagine being terrified for your safety, for your family's lives. Imagine having grown up watching about Hell's Angels in an American movie and this looks like one of the scenes. Imagine realising how this seems like a nightmare you cannot wake up from.

Then imagine people telling you that Mat Rempits are the good guys. That they should not be called street gangsters. That they should be renamed Mat Cemerlangs. That funds should be allocated to their well-being and enjoyment; funds which could be used in education, rural development and social welfare. Imagine how such acts of terror should be condoned and applauded and immortalised in movies. Imagine all the accolades for the illegal street racers, who are a menace and a danger to society, coming from people who are surrounded by bodyguards, who never drive on the roads themselves, who never look up to see the dangers their drivers need to drive through for them, who never experienced being on the road at night and in danger of meeting these gangs of motorcyclists.

Imagine all that and see how you feel about these people. See whether you sympathise with the police who have to tolerate the people who make the accolades as well as face the terrors on the streets. See whether you don't feel that something is wrong here and that something realistic has to be done.

See if, just this once, the police might actually be right and the lawmakers might just actually be wrong.

P.S: One rumour I've heard is that these Mat Rempits usually bet on their pillion riders, who tend to be female. In the 1950s ( and maybe even now), street racers in America used to race for pink slips (ownership of the cars). But in Malaysia, Mat Rempits race for the right to have sex with the female pillion riders. Rather hypocritical to think of them as the good guys then, isn't it? Yes, very Cemerlang they are.

I admit to being a wee bit bitchy over the weekend. Hey, cut me some slack. If you have a 6 month-old baby who gets feverish when she's angry or at intervals during the day or night and she is starting to pick and choose who she likes or does not like based on how often she sees the people around her or if you've had a total of maybe 8 hours sleep within 60 hours, maybe you'd be bitchy too. Not to mention lack of sleep causes me to bloat, which some people have described as fat! Shows how much they don't know me. And not to mention how some people have decided that I lack energy and stamina. You try being on your feet all day while handling teenagers and colleagues as well as planning at least one month ahead and then going home to a baby who just can't understand yet why her mother disappears all day and leaves her at home. Trust me, I have the energy. I just wish people would stop thinking I do nothing but sit at my desk all day.

Anyway, I digress.

Have any of you seen those stickers on cars that say "Looking for your cat? Try under my tyres." or something to that effect. Yesterday, I was all bitchy so my reply was "Looking for your wife/girlfriend? Try your best friend's bed!"

And then there was one idiot who was trying to sell health thingies to my dad. He was an idiot because he started making comments to my dad when he saw my dad ordering one small bowl of laksa and one bowl of noodles. Then he started commenting on how we girls could use his products. I didn't hear what he said. If I had heard, I would have told him to "Please, please service your sour-faced wife because she looks like Satan just twisted her face before you talk about my father and his family." I would also have told him "If your product is making your wife look like the airport runway and your child look like a walking dead, then no thank you. I'd rather be smiling, happy and alive." I would have also told him "I've tried your product. It gives me gas and it is essentially a water diet. No nutrients at all. No wonder you have what looks like an undead family. As for yourself, she must have married you before she realised you were poor because you ain't nothing in the looks or behaviour department."

But my dad's comment was the best. "Come back and tell me what to do only after you've got a Mercedes like mine and 4 other cars as well."

Yes, I had a catty weekend. And I don't think it's over yet.

I am not one to air my dirty laundry all over the Internet but there are just some things that really pisses me off and I just need to get it off my chest.

But I need to begin with the bit that does not piss me off. My daughter, Puteri Athena Maimunah, was born on Friday 26 September 2008 at 7.57 p.m. She looks a whole lot like her father, which sends that saying that if you want your child to look like someone, look at their picture or them all the time while you're pregnant, right out the window! It all comes down to genetics after all.

Then, the day before Raya, we had to admit her back into the hospital for jaundice. And her bilirubin count was pretty high. High enough to be scary. And the doctor was apparently one who believed in telling the whole truth to new parents. Either that or we really looked like we could handle anything he had to throw at us. Well, he doesn't know me. Or should I say I didn't know myself very well at that point.

After leaving her at the hospital, I came home still quite calm. But then I got all teary-eyed. The teariness soon turned into a huge bucketful of tears which could not stop. But being me, I hid it from Shook and I think he initially thought I was crying over the Raya movie that was on tv. When we went back to the hospital to check on her, I was okay until I saw my gynaecologist. Then I burst into tears right there in the corridor. She kept saying the baby will be fine and that jaundice is common nowadays. And I kept crying. So she kept asking if I was okay. I suspect she thought I had post-partum depression. I told her I was fine except that I can't stop crying.

Shook and I got home and I started crying again. I had stopped in the car but as soon as I lay down on the bed, the waterfall started and I couldn't stop it. He got worried and wasn't quite sure what to do. He asked if I wanted to go to his parents house since mine were in KL but I wasn't sure even they could help me. I just couldn't stop crying. Then my mom called and I wailed again. (I found out later that my parents told him to take me out to town that night to distract me after going to the hospital that evening. That explained his sudden need for KFC)

So the next few days were not my best days ever. I sat and chatted to people who came to the house for Raya. I was there physically but my mind was elsewhere. I felt, what my sisters called, lost. I didn't think it was possible after only 4 days but I was missing my daughter like mad.

I got her back last Saturday. I was paranoid a lot the first few days. I kept seeing yellow when there was none.

And, of course, I got a lot of 'well-meaning' advice. However, most people would accept when I said yes or that I'll do whatever they recommended or that I'll look into it. Except one person.

What is really sad is that this person is an aunt. My mother has been angry with her a lot because she tends to get self-righteous and refuses to realise that she might just be wrong. I've been annoyed with her somewhat but I've been tolerant and I've tried to be fair. However, she messaged me yesterday asking me to call her back saying it was urgent. So I called. Next thing I knew, she was telling me how the name I had given my daughter will not get her into heaven when she dies. She kept on and on about how I must change the name. At first, I was calmly telling her yes and yes, I'll look into it and yes, Shook has a cousin who is a qualified Ustaz who studied in Mekah and I'll check with him. Three times I said this. Then she got annoying. She kept on and on about how the name Athena will not be called by Allah to go into Heaven and how she'll be cast aside and how I MUST change the name. And she kept saying 'I'm telling you that you MUST do this, okay? I'm telling you."

At this point, I got angry and I yelled at her! My emotions were already tenuous at best and there she was going on and on about how my daughter who was just born will not go into Heaven when she dies. I was not in the right frame to mind to listen. I yelled at her that I will check and when she went on talking, I slammed down the phone. I started crying then and I can assure you that, if she was standing in front of me, I would have picked up the closest object and bludgeoned her with it. I was angry and almost crazy. I called my mom, burst out crying again and told her I never want to talk to that aunty ever again. Then I went to my room, huddled up to Shook and cried again. At least this time, I didn't cry as long or as hard as when Athena first went into the hospital.

Apparently, my mom called the aunt up and told her off. And the aunt said we were being irrational. And then she turned it around to say my mom was growing distant from them. I mean, it sounds like a soap opera! Seriously. You start one problem and try to sound like a qualified religious teacher, which you are not (and you don't even dress like a person who seems to know what her religion is!) and then you turn around and try to make it seem like everything is our fault?!

My cousin is a qualified religious teacher. He didn't say anything about Athena's name. Shook's cousin didn't say anything about her name. This aunt who has just started taking classes in the near past (compared to my mom who has been attending talks and seminars on religion since before she went on the Hajj more than 10 years ago!) suddenly decides she knows what is best and won't even allow me the chance to check or get a second opinion. I really would have checked if she hadn't gone on and on about how my newborn daughter will end up in Hell because of her name and because Allah does not acknowledge her.

All this from the same aunt who tried to tell me my mother is a bad mother and wife, who badnames my mother in front of me and who acts as if she is my father's wife when we do meet her and her children for meals. The same aunt who is talking about my mother behind her back to their other relatives. Despite my initial inclination to hate her, I have tried giving her and her children the benefit of the doubt and all the fairness I can muster.

This is what I meant by religion being twisted by people who are ill-advised or having very little knowledge but already acting like they know everything. There is nothing wrong with the religion. What I do know is that Allah judges us based on our deeds, our thoughts and our heart. He doesn't judge us based on our names.

I hope He forgives her for her transgressions because at this point in time, I cannot. And even if I ever do forgive, I will never forget how she has hurt me. And if she ever comes back to Kuching (which is too lowly for her and she has to ask my parents to pay for her passage when she does come back) I will not acknowledge her and neither will I let Athena near her. After all, why should we sinners ever think we could go near such exalted, godly beings like her?

I know someone who has one of the most appalling behaviours ever.

He doesn't close his mouth or cover it or even turn away when he sneezes or coughs. In fact, he seems to almost purposely turn to the nearest person when he sneezes or coughs. And when he gives anyone food of any kind, he has his finger either in the dish or on the food.

I wonder whether he is just stupid or oblivious or plain retarded except that he seems to believe he is a child genius.

Also, his parents are both doctors. Guess who I will never consult if I ever have a sickness or a heart problem. One parent is a surgeon. He is never going anywhere near my insides since he cannot teach his son basic hygiene.

What saddens me is that this kid is going out into the real world thinking he is above it all. I sigh to think of what the real world will do to him.

Today was the first time I went out for more than an hour since the holidays began. But I only went out for lunch then pay bills then went to buy stuff for my room. So it wasn't all selfish.

But, going out during the day always gives me a bit of a culture shock. One reason is that when I'm at work, I'm at work for 8 hours straight. I don't know what daytime traffic is like. So during the holidays, when I do go out, the urge to run down stupid people on the road is really stronger.

Today, however, my urge to scream and maim and kill was triggered by something else. It was pure stupidity in its highest form and just plain ignorance.

So I will say this once and only once. After this, I'm printing things out to be distributed to help the ignorant. What follows can be rather candid so if you're the faint-hearted type, stop now.

This is what the Nazi regime did for years during the World War 2. They did this to everyone who wasn't like them. They believed the world should be populated by the Master race - blond, blue-eyed and fair-skinned. They killed anyone who did not fill this criteria. They killed anyone who was Jewish, homosexual, ill, handicapped, Gypsies, Slavics and prisoners of war. Basically, anyone who was not within their idea of perfection. They practised genocide. They experimented on their prisoners. They played psychological games with the prisoners. They tore families apart. They had concentration camps and extermination camps.

Despite the fact that we can be thankful to Hitler for the Autobahn, Volkswagen and a radio in every house, it doesn't hide the fact that he was a cruel leader and one of the worst war criminals the world and history has seen.

So, why then do we see our youngsters walking around town proudly wearing the Nazi flag? Why do they wish to be a part of a culture which if it really came here, we will be the first victims? We aren't fair-skinned (despite some parties trying really hard to be), we don't have blue eyes (Most Nazis can see past the contact lenses) and we're not blonde (again, despite what many are trying to do). 

Why such pride for a nation that would have absolutely no respect for us in any way shape or form? Why are some shops selling clothes that come with the Nazi symbol on them? Are we really that stupid? And I bet you that these people who wear the swastika in town will beat you up if you call them stupid. Yet, what else can  call them if not stupid?

The only excuse I can see here is ignorance. Ignorance of history, ignorance of real events, ignorance of current issues.

The thing that triggered my anger today was a Sorento driven by a man and it had the swastika sticker placed just above his third brake light. The guy is lucky I didn't have a baseball bat in my car or I would have started smashing his vehicle while calling him a Nazi bastard.

And the other thing that makes me even more sad? If you go to town, most of the bloody ignorant, stupid kids who wear the swastikas are either Malay or Bumiputeras. What does it tell you about the future of our country when the young ones are too bloody daft to find out the history behind the bloody, damn things they put on their bodies?

I curse these people. They have never come close to a Neo-Nazi or a Ku Klux Klan rally. They have never watched those documentaries about the Holocaust. They have never looked into the eyes of Jewish relatives and seen the sadness and resignation borne from witnessing such an act. I curse them with everything in me. I can only hope that they realise how stupid they are before they leave our safe little country and meet the outside big,bad, real world.

I first heard of the Twilight series from Gette but I couldn't remember her take on it. Then I heard of it again from my students. Usually when it comes to my students, I'm just so happy they know what a book is for that I'm glad they're reading.

Then one of them decided to impress me with the storyline. All I could think of is 'You are trying to impress the one person who has been obsessed with vampires since she was younger than you are now and who even went to the extend of scheduling her classes at one point so that she could live like a vampire?!'

To be fair (which I always try to be), I picked up the first book and read it. Then, to be extra fair, I read the sequels.

What have I decided? It is pure and utter rubbish. First I felt like picking up the hardcover version and slamming it into the author's head. Then I felt like burning the books just so I could get rid of that spineless whim called the vampire hero. Then I wanted to just keep rotten tomatoes so I could throw it at the movie.

It would make a good young adult vampire romance if the author did not try to change the vampire mythology entirely. It is bad enough that we humans take much liberty with the myth as it is. Then some shmuck comes along and decides to change it to suit her own preference as well as try to influence poor stupid hormonal young adults into believeing her.

So maybe I'm a bit harsh. But even I draw the line at sparkling vampires. What the bloody hell?! It should be clear cut. Vampire = evil = darkness = hates light. What other defences would we have against the powers of evil if even the heavenly sunlight only makes them sparkle?! Fine, I'll forego the diamond ring my husband gave me and go hunt me down a vampire instead. Keep him in the front yard so all my neighbours can see my bling-bling vampire. Who needs precious stones anymore to impress the neighbours?

Due to my morbid curiosity and the need for endings and closure, I am now reading the fourth (and by no means the last (oh god, help us!) book in the series. Can the author be more graphic about the pain involved in being pregnant?! I already have my students half-afraid of being pregnant because they're afraid of the pain involved. I spent one hour last week telling them that if you love someone enough, you want to have their child and so the pain is worth it. And the way our bodies are built, we forget such pains very quickly. Humans heal and adapt.

But the last book has gone on about the pain of bearing a vampire child from page 145to 305 and still counting. Then the book says human childbearing is painful enough but a vampire child (which is mythologically even impossible due to the fact that vampires are dead!! So where is the sperm coming from?) causes even more pain. Apparently, the heroine is in agony even when the fetus stretches but the heroine morbidly insists on keeping the child. And what does the hero/father do? Stand around looking pale (paler than he already is being a vampire and dead?) and helpless. What happened to all the knowledge and wisdom he should have gained living an extra few hundred years? What was he doing? He claimed to be a paragon so womanising is out. He didn't do drugs, doesn't even smoke, doesn't even murder. He was waiting for the woman to come by and make him complete?! What a sap! And in one of the other books, he actually agreed not to go fight with his family to defend his family because the heroine begged him not to. Dude, where is your sense of honour? What honour is there in being pussy-whipped?

For a vampire, the hero is a spineless twerp who is pussy-whipped and has lost all sense of individuality and backbone. I think if he met Angel/Angelus, Angel would laugh at him so hard it would have bee embarrassing. Heck, this hero is an embarrassment to the male of his species.

So why am I reading the book if I hate it so much? It's the morbidness in me. I want to know how it ends. I want to know how more ridiculous it gets.

This is so that if I ever write a list of books never to read or books to recommend for comedy, I know which books to point out.

And the irony of it is that the fact that I'm ranting about it so much might make some people go out and look for the book. My recommendation is don't buy. Borrow instead. Quit giving the author money to finance more crappy stories.

Would you like to know what frustrates the hell out of me? Well, I'll tell you.

Ever since I got pregnant, I've been getting lots and lots of advice. Lots! Numerous! Some sound so ridiculous that I have a hard time not laughing out loud at them. Others are reasonable enough that I can accept, but not necessarily adopt.

But the ones that get on my fricking nerves are the ones that tell me I should not be going out with friends, that I shouldn't still be active in my social activities, that I shouldn't be watching movies or going out at night. Even worst, that I shouldn't be playing video or pc games now because I'm going to be a mother.

Then what in bloody blazes am I supposed to do?! It's bad enough I cannot move as fast as I usually do. (Then again, I still move a hell of a lot faster than some people in town!!) The baby is starting to kick up a storm when he/she is awake so I get more aches and pains. But it doesn't mean staying at home makes it all the much easier to bear! And since when is motherhood so boring?! Some people sound like it should be.

Oh! Oh! I almost forgot the all-time clincher! I should be eating more now that I'm supposed to be eating for two! How on god's green earth am I supposed to eat more than I can when the baby won't accept gluttony?! Granted, I do have to think about the baby when I eat but I'm eating so healthy due to baby's preferences that I'm not worried. In fact, baby's gaining weight normally while I'm losing weight incredibly! So what if other people want to use being pregnant as an excuse to never stop eating? Doesn't mean I have to as well.

So explain to me why I MUST chug down at least 3 glasses of milk a day when I always end up throwing up half the one glass of milk I do drink? I can get my calcium and proteins from other sources, like cheese and fish. Both of which baby can accept!

People like this, as much as I appreciate their 'helpful' advice, just don't seem to understand that every pregnancy is different! The best advice I got is from Shook's friend who said to listen to my body and the baby. And bloody hell, I am going to keep doing that!!

I never realise how stupid some people get. Then there are the people who defensively say that every parent is different but then turn around and make general remarks about pregnancies. Oh geez! Please! For once in your little life, use the brain god gave you! If every parent is different, don't you think it is logical that every pregnancy would be different too?

Aaargh! Rant over. This has been simmering in me for awhile now. I don't stay annoyed very long because baby is so injecting me with happy-happy-joy-joy feelings. But once I explode, it is short and sweet and...explosive.

My doctor tried to give me sick leave today. While thinking of the greater good, I refused to take the sick leave. While driving back to school, I wondered if I was wise to do so. Then I figured, who cares? Nobody cares so why should I? Nobody is going to thank me for not missing school despite the fact that I just made things easier for them. Nobody cares whether I'm sick. Some people might even wish I was dead so that they can get into my husband's pants.

Honestly, my state of mind is directly connected to my state of being. When I'm sick, I get depressed. When I get depressed, I almost wish to die.

I managed for the longest time to put such thoughts at bay. But, since being pregnant, I can't seem to avoid them. They literally overwhelm me.

Couple all this with the fact that I recently found out how ungrateful some people I once called 'friends' are and my mean streak just rises to the surface. In reality, it's just two less people I need to care about but it's really no loss to me. I just detest them now because they're both ungrateful and in such denial that they're willing to blame all their heartache on their friends rather than admit they are the ones who need help. Thhey probably think they're smarter than any of us anyway. Oh well, if they died tomorrow, I won't even take 2 seconds to lament their death. After all, they're dead to me today.

Today, I'm only going to stay at work then just go home. Even the thought of going for voice lesson holds no joy for me. So I am, by my own admittance, going to stay home and wallow in my own misery. Whether it's of my own making really is my own business. But, unlike other spineless twerps, I don't blame other people. I am very aware of where blame is to be directed.

Oh, one more thing, to set the record straight, I was never desperate to get married. I never hassled Shook for a marriage or a ring. Neither did I pout and sulk when he never mentioned it. And neither did I ever give him an ultimatum deadline for a marriage proposal. That's just demented. I actually fought the idea of being married until I finally realised he wanted it too. So, any fucknut who tries to indicate otherwise, can just go to Hell!

And another thing, twat, is that if you want to pick a fight with me, have the bloody balls to face me and say so. If you don't then go hide in your girlfriend's dirty cunt because that's probably why you have a problem with your dick to begin with. Fucking coward!

End of rant.

I'm going to shut up now.

My reaction to people usually depends either on my first impression or after careful evaluation within a set period of time. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it?

Do you ever notice that the most amusing tales of people usually already gives you an idea of what they really are? I mean, stupid people do stupid things. Careful people do things slowly and with much thought. Selfish people can't get beyond themselves. Happy people do things that ensures the most joy to themselves. Smart people do things that fall within the realms of logic.

I am not prone to jealousy. In fact, I have learnt years ago to keep that part of me reined in tightly. So, a lot of times, people see me not caring rather than reacting in a jealous rage. But once I do get into a rage, it's hardly ever mindless and attention seeking. I plan my payback. Just as I wait and see how most people act before I decide on their character. Most of the time I can be this civilised.

Not many things make me react in a jealous fit nowadays. My only triggers are very Shook-oriented. I've been angry with Yodie for not leaving us alone. This was so bad once that I refused to buy her food and I kept telling her that she was nothing more than a cat so don't keep getting human aspirations. But now, she' s paying me back cat-style by ignoring me and refusing anything I offer since she was told I'm pregnant.

Recently, I got very jealous about Shook spending a lot of time with a female instructor at the Academy. It might be nothing but I've cried buckets twice over it. He assures me there's nothing on between them and I am trying very hard to believe him. It's not him but I've been used by too many people to completely trust anyone anymore. But I do trust him more than anyone else as well. But if he keeps being too nice to her, she's the one I'm worried about. No, not in the 'I care' kind of worried. It's in the 'I'm really in too good a mood to destroy right now but I will if you touch him' kind of worried.

He thinks of her as a sister. Well, like his sisters, she makes him do things for her when she's PMS-ing. Which I think is a stupid excuse. I get PMS too. You don't see me behaving all fragile and weak. Pah! That sort of behaviour belongs in ye olde England. Then why weren't you married at 15 and pregnant by 16 if you're so weak?! And I'd like to see how that sort of thinking works with her boss if she ever needs to fly when she's PMS-ing. My fat ass!

Women can assert their strengths in many ways. We don't have to be agressive or demanding. In fact, lots of women get their way better when they're soft and sweet than all 'I am woman! Hear me roar!' The guy who takes that always is either a Mama's boy or a weakling. Either way, you sure you want him to be the father of your children? They'll walk all over their father and most likely, eat him out of house and home and then dump him in an old folks' home when they grow up.

On the other hand, getting all weak and helpless because of a fact of life (even if it does come once a month) is just stupid. Not to mention a lot of people forget that PMS means pre and not during or post. And the fact that all men now make fun of women PMS-ing because of all the noise women make about it? Someone explain to me how this is a good thing again?

And how old are we anyway? I suffered severe menstrual cramps and PMS moodiness when I was a teenager. The cramps are on and off even now, depending on my level of stress and irregular cycles. My moodiness I just took it by the hand and stamped it out. I decided one day that I was sick and tired and bored of my mood swings and childishness and put an end to it. And it hasn't bothered me since.

But my jealousy? It still lurks somewhere in the corners of my mind. It reared its fugly head a few days ago which almost ruined Shook's holiday. It would have if we let it. But he didn't allow it and I figured he was being so considerate to drive all the way home to be with me so the least I could do was be nice. Even if I was ready to destroy.

Notice how I don't use the word 'kill'? You see, I don't kill. I destroy. There is a difference. Destroy means nobody anywhere will ever want the person again whether it be personally or professionally. Kill means it's over too soon.

I only do this for people I genuinely care for. Right now, it's my parents and Shook and then my sisters. Anyone else will still need to prove themselves to me. If they expect me to think about them first then they might want to think about me once in a while. I do have feelings, even if I seldom air it. Then again, I only air my grievances to people I know will care enough to listen. Like Gette.

As young as my sisters are, the moment I told them a girl might be making a move on Shook, they swore instant revenge. And that's only a 'might'. Now these are the kind of sisters worth being nice to. Even Shook found it flattering and amusing when I told him. And he thought only friends did things like this. Hah! Not in my house, buddy. We live together so we fight together.

And as much I suspect that these feelings come from my hormones, I know myself too well. This is just a way out for my jealousy. Maybe I've been hanging on to it too tightly. It needs an outlet.

But, honestly, won't you be jealous if you thought someone was trying to come on to your husband? Even if it may not be true. Your thoughts are enough to get you going. Luckily, I have an understanding husband. He says he's hot, other girls think he's hot. But I really don't believe other girls can deal with his temper and crankiness. Especially when he's all out angry and annoyed and frustrated and cranky. I'd like to see them try!

And besides, just to boost myself, I'm prettier and smarter. And if he can turn his back on the mother of his child right now, damn, I must have been seriously blind while we were dating! And I pride myself in being very aware, sometimes even more so than the person themselves know.

Would you be in a good mood if someone you don't trust is in your house? And invited there by your sibling?

So I am not in a good mood. Want me to act all snobbish? After this, I'm going to check if anything is stolen.

Why do I not trust? Let's see.

Fucknut has no job, refuses to go find a job because he's too lazy to get off his big fucking ass. Oh, and he's scared of people bullying him at his workplace. But outside, he's a big bad gangster. My ass! His mother goes around bragging her son is dating so-and-so's daughter so when they get married, so-and-so will pay for everything. In other words, her son doesn't need to get a job. Rumour around town is that the guy has made a girl pregnant. And not only that, fuckhead was too lazy to finish school. And he gets angry when people talk English because he's too much of a dumbo to understand!

He is one hell of a son of a bitch!

I seldom call any guy that when I respect the parents but his bitch mother is as big a fuckhead as he is. I curse them! And if my sibling is stupid enough to want him, if they ever need help, don't fucking look my way because as soon as they marry, she is dead to me!

Right now everyone knows he is a deadbeat, useless motherfucker except her. So whatever she gets coming, she deserves!

I seriously believe that if your exes (ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend) still want to keep tabs on your movements despite the fact that you broke up badly or that you might hate them already for what they did or didn't do, then that ex has a serious mental problem!

The thing is, if the break-up was a good one and you're still friends, by all means, keep in touch. I don't mind. But if the break-up was bad and the ex still wants to be a busybody about your life, if I were you, I'd count msyelf lucky because I got away before the mental problem became psychopathic or homocidal.

It is sad that there are some mental cases out there who want to have relationships. Those are the type that scar people and make people wary of good relationships. Or they could help create more mental cases themselves.

Whether your parents are somebody or nobody in society, it doesn't give anyone the right to decide what or who is right or wrong for anyone.

Along those lines, someone needs to tell them to mind their own bloody business and get their own lives before they dry up and shrivel up and nobody wants them anymore even if they were the last person on earth and the world is depending on them to create more humans to populate the earth!

I'm just tired and cranky. There! How's that for an opening statement?

I can keep my temper in check at work but, at home, it's harder. My mom doesn't seem to understand how busy work is. Maybe she really does believe I work like other teachers - sit there and do nothing. Trying to explain to her is as pointless as trying to tell my younger sister to be more matured and responsible.

I'm also still on my medication, which adds to the tiredness and crankiness. I would love to go to bed by 9 and wake up at 9 the next day. But I can't. The temple behind my house is making a whole lot of noise because they're scared of ghosts. But they will act all gangster-like and threaten people with their souped up, modified-to-the-max cars. So much for macho! Then when my sister comes home, she slams doors and pounds up the stairs.

Then, by 6, I have to wake up while everyone is still asleep. I'm just going to have to wait for the weekend. But with my parents going away, guess who is left with all the responsibilities again? Because of that too, I can't go to Miri to visit Shook for his birthday.

Then, there's my sister who seems to think she is the centre of the universe. Her friends are smarter, better and think of her always. Yeah, right. Let's see your friends try to pay and maintain you with the lifestyle you lead. See if they care about you when you don't have a car or money to spend.

I'm just very tired. I need more sleep. Unlike some people I know, I don't get a 4 hour break in the middle of the day so that I can go visit my boyfriend's house whch is much, much further away than my youngest sister's tuition place but will complain about having to help pick up youngest sister anyway.

Am I pissy? Yes. Can you blame me?

Someone said that stress is a thinking man's disease. So, if you're hardly ever stressed, does that mean you hardly do any thinking? Just wondering.

And I've been so stressed that I've been sick almost every single month this year. I got a very high fever on Saturday while at Wil's place. But we still manage to have the barbecue and all. I just passed out in front of the TV after that. My fever was on and off and got into a full-blown high fever during the night. My Sunday was in a daze because I drugged myself just to keep the fever away.

And I realised that I want to hide my head somewhere just so I don't have to listen to people nagging me about my wedding. It doesn't help that I have to do what is expected and not what I want. But considering that a big wedding was not what I wanted in the first place, I guess what I want no longer matters. I wish more people would understand this. And everyone I try to talk about this to either don't care or think I'm bragging. I can see their eyes glaze over and I'm not bragging. I don't want a big wedding much less two wedding receptions. I don't like all the work that goes into it since it's for other people's benefit rather than my own. And although I never wanted this wedding, I'm the one expected to work on it in addition to all the year-end chaos at work and the Raya coming up. So much is expected of me and all I'm asking for is a sympathietic ear. But nobody wants to lend one. So if anyone wonders why i'm getting distant, this is it. It's because I stopped caring. You all want a robot, well, you got one.

I don't understand why people are so in a hurry to get married. Is it because their friends are married? Is it because they think it's so cool to be married? Honey, it's not as easy as it looks. Having a relationship is not easy. It's a lot of compromise and sacrifice. If you're not prepared to do either, I would recommend you don't even think about being in a relationship, much less being married. If you're going to cry everytime he doesn't jump at your command or scream at him everytime he says no, then you do not deserve to be with anyone. And I know most guys will find it easier to walk away when the girl does stupid things like cry and yell and scream when they don't get what they want.

For the record, I'm getting married because it's the right time for me and Shook. He doesn't mind it and neither do I. And I believe this marriage thing with the preparations and all have helped us understand each other a little more. But if left to the two of us, all our wedding will consist of is a trip to the tok kadi to marry us off and after that a lunch or dinner with a very small group of friends and close family. That's it. That has always been my plan. But now that plan has gone out the window and flown to the remote regions of Africa!

And who is the one in pain? Me. Damnit! It's about time I did a me, me, me thing. Usually even when I'm complaining I end up listening to other people's tale of woe.

I did a short test the other day on a psych website and I might have adult ADD and am bipolar. Now I'm almost tempted to go see someone at Normah but I won't. Because I'm not a problem to anyone but myself. So I'll wait.

For now, I'm just going to rant and feel sorry for myself. I'm allowed that much, at least.

An attitude was brought to me last night which I actually found more offensive than I thought. At the time, I saw it as a joke on the offensive person. After feeling my way around it, I now realise that I'm really offended.

It wasn't so much the way it was delivered or the message that was delivered. It was more of the attitude of the person delivering the message. In this sense, my pride was nudged and I just find it worth maiming for.

I pride myself in thinking that I'm pretty smart. Sometimes, I let my guard down and zone out not because I don't understand but more because the people I'm interacting with take too long to get to the point. I never denied having a very, very short attention span. I know that there is a chance I have ADD but I never bothered to get any sort of confirmation. I just know that when someone speaks too slowly or takes too long to make sense or get to the point, I actually switch off or get distracted. Rather cat-like, really.

And because my brain moves much, much faster than my hand or mouth can keep up, I tend to either scribble a lot or stutter a little. My stuttering is not a sign of dumbness but more of my brains hitting the brakes to wait for my mouth to catch up. And I need to do this because when I was young, people had to remind me countless times to slow down when I speak.

So when some schmuck comes along and hints to me that he thinks I am dumb, I get a bit peeved. I get offended when said person has a hard time comprehending any word that has more than 3 syllables in it. I am now offended enough to tell Shook about all this and then let him take over for me. Although I can and do keep up with Shook even at his most elitist, my brain moves too fast for my mouth to follow. Shook slows his down well enough to make the person listening look like they have an IQ of less than 25!

Despite the fact that I do hold 3 degrees (which is 3 more than offensive numbnut has!), I am first to acknowledge the fact that I have a lot to learn and that there are smarter people out there.

I also safely acknowledge the fact that I do come from an old family that use to own a quarter of Kuching. (I think the other 3 quarters were owned by Bernard's, Rin's and Shah's families) My family owned most of the Green Road area where I live now. My father's family brought Islam to Sarawak and ruled over a good chunk of Borneo and parts of the Middle East, my mom's family were advisors to the Brooke family. We had money when money was scarce, especially during the Japanese occupation. My grandfather had the 15th car in Kuching. Our house had tarred roads when other people had gravel. I grew up being told that I am royalty by virtue of my ancestry within my religion. My family has a pew in the Anglican church. My family dabbled in politics since before the current politicians even thought of being politicians.

If I wanted to be a snob, I can be. The thing is I chose not to be. Because my parents brought me up the right way. I also set a high standard for myself and I try to live up to that standard.

The last thing I need is a Mr Bigmouth from Nowheresville in Hickstown to tell me I'm stupider than he is. You can criticise my weight and my looks and my built. But don't even think of criticising my intelligence. I'm smart enough to know when to speak, when to shut up and when to play blonde.

Dipstick just flaps his lid with no thought at all. Explains why he is with the one he is.

I've been getting all these forwarded emails of warnings. They seem to know all the details and what to look out for. The most recent one I got is about going into taxis that have purifiers and perfume spray which later knock the passengers out and then the passengers get raped or/and robbed. The other one I got was about those people who give out little cards at Saberkas and Sarawak Plaza. Apparently, when you do sign up to their deals, your credit card gets maxed and you get robbed.

I can't verify them because we don't have a local Snopes.com that I know off. So my only question is that if the person who originally wrote the emails to be forwarded knows so much about it, why didn't they make an official police report and shut them down? Or even go to the press about it. After all, all the papers like these little scandals. Why spam our mailboxes? It's not like we can do anything.

That's the thing about us. We do all these passive things and we complain and gripe about it. If you feel that strongly about it, go tell someone in authority. When all else fails, do what everyone does - go to the newspapers, where all dirty laundry, except their own, is aired.

It doesn't help my mood when people regard office property as their own personal property and become possessive about it.

To me, one bloody ream a day from a printer that's used by at least 45 teachers is not much. Bloody bitch!

It's not as if the cunt is paying for it herself!

I'm on the verge of going to the deputy principal's office and ranting to him about it. If this goes on, I want my own frigging printer, damn it! I don't even print that much. When I do, it's for the students!

Shook just gave me the best news ever! I will so be floating on air tomorrow, despite now having 10 out of 10 teaching slots!

He's coming home! Yay! Yay! I'll be going to Bintulu on the 30th then two weeks later, he'll be home!!

Like I told some friends tonight, I do miss him. I get some time to myself when he's not around but I still miss him.

And the list of things I have to bring for him is getting longer by the day. It doesn't matter. My mom says that between the three of us going, we get a luggage capacity of 90 kilos, which none of us are planning to use so far.

Honestly, I wonder when Shah is going back to wherever he studies. I'm sorry. He might have mentioned it but when Shook is around, I tend not to pay too much attention to any guy, regardless of their sexual preferences.

I enjoy talking to Shah. We get into very diverse topics. Usually, the guys we know only seem to talk about robots, RPG, guns and comics. It gets tiring after a while. And I like those topics. Imagine what a girl who is not into all that would feel sitting with these guys. I now realise why some of the guys' girlfriends used to look so bored. Some of them once asked me how I could stand to spend time with these guys. My reply always was join them in the conversation or bring a book. I remember I once didn't bring a book but I had my iPod so I openly watched Supernatural. They didn't mind and neither did I. After all, I was there for Shook, not them.

But a lack of variety really does bore people. I'm not encouraging polygamy or infidelity or anything. I'm just saying that if you want to keep someone interested, you have to learn about what they like too. And you need to be diverse in your outlook.

Being narrow-minded even includes your interests. Heck, I love Shook but even we have different interests. I'll never catch him reading a romance book but he knows I like them. You won't catch me reading up on some artillery specs but I know I can depend on him for information. He respects my interests and I respect his. Imagine if we had so much in common that nothing is different between us in terms of interests. Can you imagine how boring our lives will get after 10 years? I'll shoot myself if I can only talk about a handful of topics all the time!!

And you know what annoys me a lot. When guys are homophobic! They turn into a joke in my eyes. Do they think gays have no feelings too? It's ridiculous! No matter what the religion or the society says, it's not for us to judge them. I highly doubt any of them woke up one day and said, "Today looks like a good day to be gay."

If we can judge gays then by all means, let's judge the fat, the ugly, the blacks, the whites, the short, the skinny, the smelly. Oh jeez! It was phobia that got so many people fighting against religion all those years ago. All those stories in the holy books, all show phobia and fear towards what they are not comfortable with. How then can we say we're different from the Romans who killed the Christians or the pagans who fought the Muslims?

You know, I shall laugh out loud, roll on the floor and point if ever any of these homophobes end up being gay themselves. I really will. I might even take out an ad in the papers.

I feel this way because I've got many homosexual friends. All Americans. Well, a few here but homophobia is the norm here and not the exceptional. I had one homophobic housemate in the US. The moment he got propositioned by a gay one night and he felt flattered by it, I called him gay all week. Then he told me he felt hurt by it. My reply? "Now you know how other people feel."

With some people, you need to hurt them to be kind. Or they'll never learn.

But I still feel whee now! Shook's coming home!!!

While I was at Hopoh yesterday, I went to my regular pc software shop. I couldn't help overhearing this guy there talking really big and really loudly about how a few of the softwares they have don't work and were crappy.

Then my sister was asking about Photoshop CS3. So I told her I have it. He happened to overhear me and asked "It doesn't work, right?"

My reply was that I hadn't tried it yet. And he said "Don't bother. It won't work. I guarantee."

He was very uppity about it and very smug. So I just said if it doesn't work, I'll download it or wait awhile before trying a different copy. Then he said downloading takes too long. More than an hour. Real dumbass! was my next thought.

So I told him I download smart. I keep it overnight and when I wake up, it's done. To which he couldn't reply because he had hinted that waiting for it makes him sleepy.

Out of curiosity, I tried installing my Photoshop CS3. I had absolutely no problems with it. It's in my pc now and I'm using it to make a phone theme.

And if any of you know this asshole, tell him he knows nut!! I should have figured it out when he was raving about Vista. Any idiot knows Vista is not yet compatible with everything.

PS: He's a huge-sized guy. Probably even double Jerome's size. With a louder voice. And very holier-than-thou. You can't miss him.

I have heard many 'horror' stories about Telekom but never came across it myself until recently.

I have been having problems with my internet connection since that huge storm we had some weeks ago. After getting a new network card, I discovered that the line might be at fault too. So I reported that in.

Two days after it was repaired, the line was still wonky. So I inquired about it. Streamyx checked and called me at 10 p.m. (Wow! Just to show off that they're working very hard to solve my problem *dripping in sarcasm, if you happen to miss that one*) to tell me that it was my line at fault, so I'd have to call Telekom.

The next day, I called Telekom, who was able to check immediately. After pushing so many press-1-if-you-want-telephony-press-2-if-you-want-service buttons, I finally got to a human being. She then checked and told me that my connection is not working because my line has been suspended since 2005.

This was a gobsmacked moment. The reason I suspended that line is because I was sick and tired of getting calls at 4 a.m. from idiots claiming to have called the wrong number! And idiots who decide to only breathe into the phone and definitely telemarketing idiots who can't understand the word 'no'! And my line has been fine since 2005. I only got a problem 2 weeks ago!!

To which the technical assistant gave me the best answer this year! 'Oh. I don't know then. You have to go to TMPoint.'

Isn't the whole idea of a techie is so that you would know?! Then why on God's green earth are you at the technical support side if you know nuts?!

At this point, I gave up. Right now, my connection seems fine but I sure as hell will make sure someone knows about this. Someone at Telekom.

You know how people usually say 'The left hand does not know what the right hand is doing'? Well, with Telekom, its 'The thumb not knowing what the ring finger is doing'.

THAT'S how stupid I think they are!!

I am at work but I feel so demotivated that it's not even funny. I don't feel like doing anything. Actually, I do feel like quitting my job but I don't have the luxury. Not only will my parents not go for it, they won't help me pick up the pieces of my debts or my spending just because I got too lazy or too tired to work.

I do feel the strong need to get away from needy people though. Probably because I'm in a needy mood myself. I've always had to be the strong, stable one that once in a while, I need to lean on someone. At this point right now, everyone seems to be depending on me!

Most of all that useless piece of organisation I call an Alumni! They act as if they'd all perish if I was not there! Nobody is that indispensable! They're all eager for a boyfriend and marriage and all that crap but ask them to chair a miserable meeting or make some minor decisions, they go stupid. Truly unreliable! And what's the point in having a committe if the President does all the work? It's not as if I was born with all this knowledge in my head. I learnt it all. Like everyone else has to! Jeez!!

At least, my Toastmasters is easing off me. I guess, since he got a love life, the president has discovered that there is more to life than meetings and social networking. But they still want me to take over as President. And because of that, I'm almost harrassing Shook to take a job somewhere outside Kuching! Like really, really far outside Kuching.

I really would like to be the needy one once in a while. The one who pouts and slams doors and acts childishly. The one who bitches and moans and groans over small matters. Just once in awhile.

Being the strong, stable one really can make things tiring.