Still Being Random

I need more books to read! I just finished Lorenzo Carcaterra's Chasers and am about to start on Dean Koontz's Frankenstein book 2. I still have Eric Haney's Inside the Delta Force but it's not actually light reading.

I had also planned to type out all my own stories so there would be less risk of losing them. Right now, they're in hard copy, handwritten. But when I look at the piles of notebooks I wrote them in, I just felt too lazy to do it. Maybe once I get bored enough with the holidays, I will. I read some of them a few nights ago and I'm glad to say I didn't cringe. One was a fantasy and the other a crime faction. I have a horror thriller one somewhere which I wrote when I was in Secondary school but I can't find that one anywhere. I need to look harder. Then there's my folklore story which I started but never got round to continuing. My work drains all my creativity so holidays are the only times I surface long enough to wonder where my ideas went.

I also planned to take up my archery again. I went to the archery academy here and asked for prices of the arrows. After talking to the owner for awhile, I realised I'm still a huge fan of the traditional bows. I don't like those modern ones which come with a sight. I like to improve my skills which include being able to sight my own target myself. So I'm thinkng about it.

And this is also the beginning of the holidays! Two more weeks to go. Oh help me!

I woke up automatically this morning and wondered if Shook was okay.

Then I read Chasers by Lorenzo Carcaterra for a while. After three shooting scenes and two cold-blooded murders, I decided.

I decided that some questions in the Universe are just not meant to be answered by us mortals. And I have better things to do with my life.

So with that, I am truly, really going to let it go and move on. If that girl wants to remain in her self-imposed martyr world, let her.

She wants to remain seen as immatured and irresponsible, let her.

I gave Shook a few tips for her even on how to handle cocky, difficult, teenage/young adult students but she's lost that now. So let her.

She wants to feel justified with her own actions regardless of how other people in the situation felt, let her.

People always like to justify their actions with their own reasoning because it makes them feel better. If it helps her sleep at night, then let her. I sleep very well as it is. No guilt on my conscience.

I tried to be a friend though my husband. She spurned it. Let her be. She lost a good friend. And she lost me. I could have been a great help. I understand kids the age group those cadets are in better than anyone I know.

I wish her well. I hope she gets the relief she craves. I hope God helps her at all times.

Because, at the rate she's going, she might not have many good friends who will.

To understand my annoyance, you need to know the background. So, after reading this, you tell me if I'm justified or if someone is lying to me.

A few months ago, Shook called me talking constantly about this female instructor he met. So, despite my own misgivings I asked about her, why she's there. The normal things. He told me and after I told him my fears, he assured me that he thinks of her as nothing more than a little sister, who, in his own words, 'is actually little'. So I was fine.

Then on one occasion, I spoke to her on the phone. I really was being civil and nice. I mean, I would have said more than a few words if she actually allowed me to get a word in. She chattered to a point that I was pretty sure she would not notice even if I was no longer on the line. In fact, at one point, I was talking to my father and I could still hear her voice through the phone, talking. She didn't stop to even check if I was still there.

Then, on another another night, Shook, in his usual teasing way, told me he was out on a date with her. I was jealous, yes. But I called and he spoke to me. While he talked to me, she kept talking in the background and I could hear her. I mean, at this point, the impression I got of this girl was exactly what she showed. She was happy for his attention and acted like it was a chore for her to share it.

Now, as a wife, I was worried. I wasn't worried about me. But I was worried about Shook. I knew people would soon talk. Although he wouldn't care, I knew it would hurt me. I also knew that the other cadets respected him too much to ask him to his face. But, at the same time, I realised it was no better that they speculated behind his back.

So I tried to warn him. True to form, he ignored me. Then when he came home, I talked to him again. At this point, I had already planned that he cannot have me and her at the same time. If he wanted her as more than a friend, I would divorce him. But he assured me again that he didn't think of her in that way.

But, how was I supposed to feel reassured when she messaged him while he was home? For nothing more than notes but...do you get my point? No courtesy question like 'how's your wife? How's home?'. Nothing. Just a nice friendly sms as if to remind him she's there.

So I got suspicious, much to Shook's annoyance. So when I went to Bintulu, I planned to ask her how she felt about my husband. Unfortunately, the chance never arose. But we did go out for dinner together and I did ask him to ask her along since she always goes out with him and Alam for dinner.

I was neutral throughout dinner. I take questions like 'How did you manage to come out here today? Don't you work on Saturdays?' as normal because not many people quite understand how private schools operate. Throughout dinner, I was watching the dynamics between these three people. Not that I could contribute anything since all the conversation was controlled by her and the topic was only about people they knew. And before I could ask anything, she had taken the conversation to a different topic already. And I'm not in the habit of poking into topics that aren't mine to be concerned about.

Then when we sent her and Alam back to the hostel, I was actually sincere when I told her it was nice meeting her. Really, it was. Through watching them, I realised Shook really felt nothing more than friendship for her. My only misgiving happened at one point when the owner of the shop we had dinner at commented that I was Shook's wife and joked that she was not. At this point, I watched her and she decided to look busy with her bag and her phone. I didn't want to pass judgement on whether she looked happy or not,

Like I said, I never judge people sight unseen or without watching them properly first.

The two days I was there, Shook could not fly due to weather and feeling unwell. So I was not able to get a closure to my own feelings about the two of them. I wasn't able to ask her what she felt for him. I mean, I didn't even mind if she admitted she was falling for him. I did so why would I be arrogant enough to think nobody else might. In fact, I was thinking of warning her that however he behaves, he usually means well and to warn her to be careful not to misunderstand. I may sound like I was trying to be the Goody Two Shoes but I was not willing for someone to get innocently hurt by my own husband's friendly nature.

Then, the last time I met her, she behaved as if I wasn't even there. Shook took me to the common room of his hostel where they were watching The Golden Compass. She joked with him, realised I was there and didn't even say hi. So I figured she didn't want to talk to me and kept quiet. She only made comments during the show usually directed at him anyway. So I just kept quiet and watched the movie.

The thing is, I am not keen on loud noises. It annoys me. So when at one point she yelled in what was already an echoing room, I just responded automatically. I don't know whether she was offended or whether she felt contrite.

But at the end of the whole thing, I wasn't sure how she felt about Shook. She may like him as more than a friend and I guess I can fairly admit that I only decided this based on the fact that she didn't acknowledge me very much. I spoke to her when she spoke to me. I smiled when she said something funny. I asked Shook when I wasn't sure. If she felt I was being bitchy or judgemental, my only question is 'How?'.

When I spend time with my friends who are married or attached, I always make the effort to talk to their wives or girlfriends or fiancees when we meet. Even when I meet the guys alone, I ask about their partners and how they felt about us meeting. I've openly apologised or thanked the partners when I've spent time with their husbands or boyfriends or fiances.

I guess I expect too much that people would show the same courtesy or common sense where I am concerned, but don't you think it's common sense? Why make a wife feel unwelcomed unless she is unwelcomed? And why would a girl not want a guy's wife around unless she wanted the guy for herself? Am I not justified in my misgivings?

As for the recent swearing and anger, it's not at her because she's there. It's at her because she treats Shook like dirt now. With no reason or anything, she treats him like he's not worth her time. He thought of her as a friend. He felt that there could be potential for a good friendship. We were looking forward to a venture with her working with us. Then she turns around and avoids him except to ask for notes or to sms him about a tribunal she was involved in.

How is a wife supposed to feel when she knows a girl won't even say hi as a friend to her husband but messages him to tell when she's going back to Bintulu and how her tribunal went? Any normal female would think there was something clandestine going on. Won't you?

My trust in Shook has been tested to its limits these few months. And as attestment to my trust in him, I was even trying to my best to find out why this girl was avoiding him because he really regretted the loss of that friendship. It hurt him that he could reach out to be her friend and she treated him like that.

So my anger at her is not for anything other than that she has hurt him as a friend. For a week, I worked hard to get Alam to talk to her. To explain that if it was me she was concerned about, then at least tell my husband.

I even played with the possibility that he might have flirted with her and scared her off or even that they might have kissed in moments of drunken-ness and both felt guilty.

What I cannot take is that she hurt him as only a friend can. And if I did resort to calling her names she will not like if she knew, then it's due to a helplessness that I cannot overcome. I worked years to get Shook to trust people again. And now this girl waltzes in and unravels it within a few months. How am I supposed to feel? Do I just let her walk away like that?

I cannot, in all conscience, let this go. Even if Shook is too fed-up to care and even if he has done what he calls 'burn his bridges', I cannot let someone who has hurt him get away with it. I want her to understand what damage she has done. I want her to realise that her actions affect a lot of people not just her. I want her to learn and grow up so that she knows how to behave and not behave in the future. She may consider herself matured but, until she knows how to treat people well, her so-called maturity will always be questioned.

I now wish she would read my blog. I want her to know how her selfishness has affected other people. I want her to realise how her self-absorbed behaviour almost had me researching on divorce proceedings. I want her to know that, although I don't hate her, she has made me come very close to it through her inability to be more human in her thoughts and her actions.

We may not be perfect which is why we need divine guidance once in a while. But, at least, some of us know how to treat people with respect by talking to them.

So, honestly, whatever her transgressions or even his, I would have forgiven if they were honest and contrite. I like to believe Shook is honest with me. After all, he tells me everything that involves her. But, if she happens to feel that what I have been told is different from what actually happened, I would appreciate her telling me instead of treating my husband the way she has.

When she hurt him, she hurt me. The fact that this never occurred to her just shows her immaturity all over again. I asked Shook if she was sheltered as a child and he doesn't think so. So, therefore, why is she behaving the way she has? Why is she treating him like a boyfriend one minute and dogshit the next? In general, girls who behave this way do not impress me. To me, they either want only dick or cash.

Sp what's her story? And if she is so convinced that she is right, why then doesn't she tell the truth? Why is she hiding?

As far as I am concerned, if you have the truth on your side, nobody can dispute you. Neither can they judge you. So why would you behave with so much guilt? Unless, of course, you are guilty.

I trusted. My husband trusted.

Bitch snake screwed with the wrong people.

I'm not going to bother just yet but an animal deserves being clinically treated. So I will. I want to know what goes on in this animal's brain.

Why animal? Because nothing human would behave this way.

So I'll treat her like the animal she is. To be studied and prodded. If she gets humiliated and ridiculed, no skin off my nose. We trusted. You bit back. Now, we hammer you to bits.

You hurt those I love and I will treat you as you deserve. I curse you everyday that you will be repaid in kind for all that you've done.

And may you rot in that bloody Academy, never to leave because you are too incompetent and inefficient to do the work you're paid to do. And when my husband leaves, all his notes go with him, bitch!

ETA: Honestly, I just sound angry. I don't feel angry or even look angry. I guess I'm being a bit calculating and cold. My curse and my words were well thought off. Nothing impulsive at all.

I am, by my very own admission, a sucker for the repentant, the lost, the lonely and the sad.

So, what do I do? I used to get attracted to them under a misguided sense of tryng to help. Either that or I started to think I loved them.

Now that I love Shook, I don't share that love but I do stil try to help him and his friends. because helping his friends alleviates his worry and his hurt. Even if I still suspect some of the people he calls friend think of him as more than a friend. And because I think his friend is avoiding him and it bothers him a lot since the friend has given no valid reason for it.

*sigh* I'll trust. I'll reach out and trust again. And if it bites me back like a poisonous snake, I'll bloody bite its head off, chew on its meat for awhile and then spit it out for the world to see.

Then I'll have a talk with my husband about his choice of friends.

Let me make one thing clear. I have never had anything anyone else wants before. Oh, they may want my life because of my parents being able to afford many things and the fact that I have a very good and easy understanding relationship with my parents. But those are not mine to give. I earned them fair and square and my parents' riches aren't exactly mine. I'm just at the right place at the right time.

But to actually have something that I worked hard to have, that's truly mine and nobody else's and it's something I will never voluntarily give away....I just find it gleeful that someone else might want it.

So, my 5-minute glee is this - he's mine, bitch. You want him, you got a helluva fight on your hands and I ain't never gonna make it easy for you. I'll drag your short fucking ass and name through the mud of society and everyone will know you for what you truly are before I am done. And if you think he is worth all the trouble, you better think about how you're treating him now if you believe he'll even leave me for the shameless, unintelligent, linguistically-challenged short likes of you! I will destroy you first. You have been warned!

And I don't make it a habit to make idle threats.

My doctor tried to give me sick leave today. While thinking of the greater good, I refused to take the sick leave. While driving back to school, I wondered if I was wise to do so. Then I figured, who cares? Nobody cares so why should I? Nobody is going to thank me for not missing school despite the fact that I just made things easier for them. Nobody cares whether I'm sick. Some people might even wish I was dead so that they can get into my husband's pants.

Honestly, my state of mind is directly connected to my state of being. When I'm sick, I get depressed. When I get depressed, I almost wish to die.

I managed for the longest time to put such thoughts at bay. But, since being pregnant, I can't seem to avoid them. They literally overwhelm me.

Couple all this with the fact that I recently found out how ungrateful some people I once called 'friends' are and my mean streak just rises to the surface. In reality, it's just two less people I need to care about but it's really no loss to me. I just detest them now because they're both ungrateful and in such denial that they're willing to blame all their heartache on their friends rather than admit they are the ones who need help. Thhey probably think they're smarter than any of us anyway. Oh well, if they died tomorrow, I won't even take 2 seconds to lament their death. After all, they're dead to me today.

Today, I'm only going to stay at work then just go home. Even the thought of going for voice lesson holds no joy for me. So I am, by my own admittance, going to stay home and wallow in my own misery. Whether it's of my own making really is my own business. But, unlike other spineless twerps, I don't blame other people. I am very aware of where blame is to be directed.

Oh, one more thing, to set the record straight, I was never desperate to get married. I never hassled Shook for a marriage or a ring. Neither did I pout and sulk when he never mentioned it. And neither did I ever give him an ultimatum deadline for a marriage proposal. That's just demented. I actually fought the idea of being married until I finally realised he wanted it too. So, any fucknut who tries to indicate otherwise, can just go to Hell!

And another thing, twat, is that if you want to pick a fight with me, have the bloody balls to face me and say so. If you don't then go hide in your girlfriend's dirty cunt because that's probably why you have a problem with your dick to begin with. Fucking coward!

End of rant.

I'm going to shut up now.

As I said earlier, I tend to dream or, at least, I tend to remember my dreams these days.

Last night's dream was a little bizarre. I was actually in a warehouse with some people I did not know. One of them was a serial killer. I remember we had to do something. We actually walked by a wall with holes at various height in it. One of the guys I was with peeked through one hole and declared he could watch the movie that was going on through the hole. Then someone else said that holes were the fifty cents seat in the house.

I only remember very little from this dream. It was like being caught in the 13 Ghosts house but with a few killers instead of ghosts. Then again, I think I was a murderer too.

Anyway, one of the killers said he will catch his prey and then become them to catch whoever is catching them. I asked him what would he do if the prey or predator was him. His reply was rather cool. He said then he hoped the other guy was good because he would just go after him and see who gets who first.

Then I woke up because my alarm went off.

I have two bedrooms in my house now. One is mine and always has been. the other is one I share with Shook when he comes home. Usually, when he goes back to Bintulu, I migrate back to my own room. But, for the past few days, I've been staying put in our room. I realised that I sleep better and I don't wake up when I need to roll around on the bed. And, looking at the bed covers every morning, it's apparent that I roll around quite a bit at night.

Anyway, for the past few nights, I've been getting quite a lot of dreams. On Tuesday night, I dreamt I was living on a military base. But the base is not the happy ones I see in The Unit. This base was on the verge of a war. So we were constantly on red alert. It seems that nobody is allowed outside the outer perimeter and a curfew is enforced every evening.

I distinctly remember, at one point, looking up at the sky and it was covered with bomber planes and fighter planes. But these planes were from the World War 2 era. But, our weaponry on the ground were very modern. And I had the impression we were not fighting humans but aliens and shapeshifters.

There was one part of the dream when I was looking up at the planes and wondering which one was Shook and if he was all right. Then the next moment, I was running around the base because I thought I saw an intruder but nobody believed me. I think it was a shapeshifter. I realised it would be difficult to prove it wasn't who it kept shifting into so I followed it. By some miracle I was able to keep pace with it even though it changed shapes a few times. And somehow I knew I had to kill it. And I also seemed to know I could only do that by burning it, at which time it would shift into all its other shapes before dying in its original form. So I had to get it to a public place to kill it.

I chased that thing all around the base. At one point a soldier guarding the weapons depot took a shot at me because the shapeshifter turned into a general and told him to do so. But I pulled rank (so wow! Don't know whether it was my rank or Shook's) and grabbed some weapons.

Just before I woke up from the dream, I remember being very close to catching up with it and killing it when the base came under attack. There were explosions and gunfire and people shouting and of course, women shrieking and screaming. I actually took time, at one point, to stop and slap a woman in the kitchen just to shut her up. Then I picked up my gun and ran on.

And I think I woke up when I took a shot at a car passing by and it exploded.

I have no clue where these dreams come from but they're fun and part of the reason I'm still sleeping in our room.

Albert Einstein once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Even if we don't regard it completely as insanity, a lot of times we still realise the futility of it. Yet, why do we do it?

Why do we choose to give people the benefit of the doubt despite knowing full well that they will make the same mistakes again?

Why do we still go help our friends and/or family members who seem to refuse to listen to our advice?

Why do we still listen to friends and/or family members who will tell us the same sob story over and over again?

Why do we still tolerate colleagues who choose to make the same silly mistakes despite us trying to help them? Why do we even keep trying to help them?

Sometimes it comes down to one thing. We humans are born with the sense that hope springs eternal. No matter how many times we are hurt, no matter how many times we regret, no matter how wary we are, there will always be that someone or some event that make us think "Maybe this time, it will be different."

Yet, the reality of it is that it is seldom different. It will be the same old shit coming to hit you in the face just when you've let your guard down.

Having said that, to be fair, sometimes, just sometimes, you are lucky enough to come across that one person or one event that is different.

At that moment, you can pick yourself up, brush off all the dust and dirt and feel good about being alive. And right then, you decide life isn't so bad. It can be full of crap but you just need to look beyond the shit and find the good out there.

If you're lucky.