I think I'm ready for a change. Or maybe it's Shook's child talking. And no, contrary to anyone's belief, I am not using the child as a convenient excuse. Although you do have to admit that I am acting rather strange a lot nowadays.
I have been angry and in despair and depressed the last few weeks. But yesterday, after wallowing half the day, I got angry at myself for being stupid and sad. So I drank some Milo, took a 5-minute nap and when I woke up, I was fine.
And, incredibly, I got very chatty. I didn't feel like talking to my students or anyone though. I wanted to talk to Shook. So, despite being very sleepy still, I called him as soon as I got home. I bothered him for a good half an hour then took another nap.
It didn't do me any good because I was still sleepy when I went for my Toastmasters meeting. Then sometime during the meeting, a quote about anger was mentioned. Suddenly, a light went off in my head. I realised completely then how foolish I had been.
I believe things happen for a reason. I got angry with Shook and that girl because I was feeling inadequate and insecure. So, instead of facing myself, I took it out on them. Which is so wrong. I trust Shook so why did I keep punishing him? The fact that I realised that in the day and was reinforced in the evening strenghtened my convictions that I had done the right thing. I had no cause for worry. I also knew that even if Shook strayed (which he's had 8 years of chances of doing) it would be me he'll come back to at the end of the day. And that, above all else, is what I want.
And I figured that he has a very good female friend in KL so why shouldn't he need one in Bintulu where everyone else around him is young and juvenile? After all, I have close male friends too. So, since he's allowed me my male friends, I can afford to allow him his female friends. But, if they get too close, I will still pound the living daylights and their future generations out of them. I'm pregnant and hormonal. I have the right.
So, after all that, I'm no longer angry or depressed. I love him more than ever and I miss him enough to want to go see him any weekend from now. I trust him and hopefully, one day I can explain to him why I have such difficulty trusting people and why I keep expecting them to hurt me (which a lot of times, they never fail to fulfill my expectations).
But for now, I'm going to concentrate on myself, the baby and Shook. Not always in that order. I desperately need him because he keeps me calm and not nauseous. And we talked about the girl last night and now I feel for her. (See? I'm very amiable! This is very much the baby's fault. I'm not usually so amiable.) Anyway, the girl has problems of her own and she tells Shook and some he tells me. At least the work related ones. But if she has any problems about any kind of feelings for Shook, I don't care either anymore. She's Roman Catholic, she goes for confession and they believe in Hell! 'Nuff said!
But, on the whole, I'm better now. And I think I may have become a better person as well. At least, I hope I have.
I have been angry and in despair and depressed the last few weeks. But yesterday, after wallowing half the day, I got angry at myself for being stupid and sad. So I drank some Milo, took a 5-minute nap and when I woke up, I was fine.
And, incredibly, I got very chatty. I didn't feel like talking to my students or anyone though. I wanted to talk to Shook. So, despite being very sleepy still, I called him as soon as I got home. I bothered him for a good half an hour then took another nap.
It didn't do me any good because I was still sleepy when I went for my Toastmasters meeting. Then sometime during the meeting, a quote about anger was mentioned. Suddenly, a light went off in my head. I realised completely then how foolish I had been.
I believe things happen for a reason. I got angry with Shook and that girl because I was feeling inadequate and insecure. So, instead of facing myself, I took it out on them. Which is so wrong. I trust Shook so why did I keep punishing him? The fact that I realised that in the day and was reinforced in the evening strenghtened my convictions that I had done the right thing. I had no cause for worry. I also knew that even if Shook strayed (which he's had 8 years of chances of doing) it would be me he'll come back to at the end of the day. And that, above all else, is what I want.
And I figured that he has a very good female friend in KL so why shouldn't he need one in Bintulu where everyone else around him is young and juvenile? After all, I have close male friends too. So, since he's allowed me my male friends, I can afford to allow him his female friends. But, if they get too close, I will still pound the living daylights and their future generations out of them. I'm pregnant and hormonal. I have the right.
So, after all that, I'm no longer angry or depressed. I love him more than ever and I miss him enough to want to go see him any weekend from now. I trust him and hopefully, one day I can explain to him why I have such difficulty trusting people and why I keep expecting them to hurt me (which a lot of times, they never fail to fulfill my expectations).
But for now, I'm going to concentrate on myself, the baby and Shook. Not always in that order. I desperately need him because he keeps me calm and not nauseous. And we talked about the girl last night and now I feel for her. (See? I'm very amiable! This is very much the baby's fault. I'm not usually so amiable.) Anyway, the girl has problems of her own and she tells Shook and some he tells me. At least the work related ones. But if she has any problems about any kind of feelings for Shook, I don't care either anymore. She's Roman Catholic, she goes for confession and they believe in Hell! 'Nuff said!
But, on the whole, I'm better now. And I think I may have become a better person as well. At least, I hope I have.
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