My youngest sister was commenting today about how I write more lovey-dovey things about Shook now compared to before.

So my answer was simple. He never showed me what romance he was capable of before. When I asked him this a few days ago, he replied to the effect that there wasn't much point in making an effort in a relationship that might not come to much.

When I thought about it, I saw the wisdom in his words. I see many couples nowadays getting all gooey-eyed at each other, helping each other out, being so considerate and sometimes to a point of showing public displays of affection. (Sometimes the pda is too much but we won't go there!)

Then, later, these same couples get really distant and complacent with each other once they are married. If they work it out, they'll try to reclaim that gooey-ness they had earlier. If not, they stray and look elsewhere to recapture those feelings to being loved. Sometimes, the problems start before they even marry.

In my case, because of Shook's mentality and, to a certain degree, because of my own very strong sense of self-preservation, we never showed much affection in public. Sometimes, I openly chase him away to go out with the boys just so I can go do my own thing. Other times, I spend time with him, but we're not plastered to each other. A lot of times, we don't even mind not sitting next to each other.

Honestly, I'm almost the personification of once-bitten-twice-shy. I've had one bad attempt at a relationship and so I wasn't keen on jumping into another. Some people may say I lack the resilience. I just say I'm not a big fan of pain. Besides, I've heard too many people who have been through bad relationsips start to bad-mouth the person they broke up with or who broke up with them. I wasn't about to be one of those people. I got more careful to a point that I wasn't even looking anymore.

And, now that I can be honest, I think my standards were too high. I wanted someone I can talk to, who would not order me around or won't be intimidated by me and I needed someone with spine yet was aware enough to listen to my opinions. I had more criterias but they're too many to go into.

This being Malaysia, I knew I had a low chance of finding that.

Anyway, before I digress further, I talk a whole lot more about Shook because we feel secure with each other now. He feels especially more secure and enough to trust me with his true self. And his true self makes me grateful he's only showing it now because I could have easily fallen victim to taking him for granted if he had shown it earlier. Also, I might have felt it was too much to live up to if we were just still dating.

To be honest, while we were dating, I expected to break up with him almost every month. Which is why I was always so careful to be emotionally distant. Every month, I'd mark the end of the month with a smile to remind myself that we were still together. And every month, I'd work at making sure I got another smile at the end of the month. Rather sad, wasn't it?

When it comes to emotions and relationships, I'm very skittish. I just sound tough but I knew I could never take another bad one.

Despite it all, I was understanding as a single person. I knew when people needed to spend time with their other ones. I used to be young and very inconsiderate but I've learnt my lesson since.

I had a very good back-up plan while single. But it must have been a sign when Shook came along and I got instantly attracted and then Bali exploded that there was no way that plan would ever come to be.

I still laugh at the girl who was so sure Shook wanted her that she immediately told him she liked only Chinese men and never Malays. Never time, stupid, find out first before you open your mouth! But I'm not complaining.

Like Shook once told me, "Ever wondered where the good ones are? Well, now you know where one went."

And speaking of good ones, Borneo Post interviewed my father and Shook for Father's Day. I think it's coming out this Sunday. Go read the articles. Shook's answers definitely made me realise he is one to keep for good. And I'm so very glad I got the chance to find out.

Now, if only I can figure out to how to send one copy to KL.