Still Being Random

Take into consideration that I get unusually depressed whenever Shook's not around, everyone notices that I'm grinning a lot more nowadays.

That's because I'm going to KL today. And because Shook's already in KL. And because when I talked to him yesterday and this morning, he sounded happier than he has ever sounded in awhile. And also because the baby lets me eat nowadays but still has a cap on the amount of food I can consume.

Is it any wonder I've lost close to 6 kilos in the past 3 months? Not that I am complaining. Shook's baby has achieved the one thing Shook has been trying to do in the past 8 years - get me to lose weight!

Haha! Baby's okay. I know it because I get a sharp pain when I talk to other men and I get tickled from the inside in the afternoons for no known reasons.

I'm okay because Shook's okay.

And my father, who I love very much, called my mom last night and said he lost his son-in-law. He quite forgot that he gets to come out much earlier from the plane because he's in First Class and in the first row. Shook was in row 14. My mom had a good laugh at them. And this morning I had to co-ordinate their breakfast despite the fact that I am all the way here and the two men I love most in the world are staying in the same hotel on the same floor just in two different wings.

And tonight, I get to see them both. Oh yay! And joy!

And, since I got my bonus from work, I'm going to buy my father a waterproof, lightweight jacket online. Hoodie or no hoodie and colour is up to him. I'll try to figure out what to buy my mom later once we're shopping in KL.

So, that's my goody news. I don't get very many nowadays so I treasure them when I do get them.

Imagine having heightened senses of smell and sound.

Imagine being surrounded by emotional and noisy teenagers whose bodies are also in the midst of changes therefore making their chemical make-up very erratic.

Imagine having problems sitting for too long and standing for too long.

Imagine having to sit in a really uncomfortable plastic chair while doing work that needs to be done.

Imagine having to hide when you're trying to take a quick nap because you are surrounded by people who think they are infinitely more virtuous and more hardworking than you.

Imagine your body metabolism increasing to cope with the new arrangements so fatigue is always at your heels.

Imagine such changes in your body making you feel very uncomfortable and miserable that all you want to do is find a sterile place where neither worry nor pain nor ache nor smell nor noise can reach you.

Above all, imagine yourself being surrounded by people who are too helpful or too self-absorbed.

Once you have done all these, then maybe, just maybe, you'll have an inkling to what I am going through every single day.

Maybe then you'll understand why I want to be with Shook all day every day because he is the only one who can help stabilise my body and my senses.

Maybe then you'll understand why I avoid doing certain things or going to certain places. It's not because I have an aversion to it or I don't miss it. It's because I find that I'd rather play it safe by not smelling certain things or hearing certain sounds than risk throwing up right into my plate or, worst yet, into someone else's plate.

Sometimes, I want to be selfish and say 'To hell with everyone who expect me to do what they want to do. To hell with everyone who want me to sacrifice my time for them. And, most of all, to hell with me spending my money on other people. I might as well spend it on me going to see Shook!'.

But, unfortunately, I was not brought up to be selfish. If I was, I would not have allowed Shook to stay at home before he left for Bintulu for his pilot license. I acknowledged that his parents and his sister will want to send time with him as well. Hell, I even sacrificed time with him so he could spend it with Yodie, who isn't even his! As near as Bintulu is, at that time, we were not sure if he could ever come home or if I could ever make arrangements to go see him. Even now, his breaks are shorter and further apart. And he allows me to be selfish so since I am an obedient wife, I will do as he asks.

But I am not cranky except in bursts of mood swings. However, I am always on the verge of tears probably because I am too used to keeping all my emotions inside. The hormonal changes are screwing up my self-control. I cried watching 27 Dresses, which isn't a tearjerker at all.

On the plus side, I'm going to see Shook this weekend and he's hopefully, fingers crossed, going to join us for the opening of Parliament. And I'm trying to get him home for Gawai but I might also drag him somewhere during that break.

Notice how most of my entries nowadays are very Shook-oriented? Just the way I like it, damnit! Luckily, I'm only doing it after we got married. I guess it's because I'm more secure about us now than ever before.

I seldom talked much about Shook before because imagine having to sit with someone who only gush about their partner or lover as if they have nothing else to talk about? I had to do that a lot in the US. I think I even knew the penis size of one of my housemates' boyfriend, which is way more information than I would ever want to know. And because she was American, I felt safe in telling her that I would have died just as happy not knowing that bit of information! Or even how they had sex. I mean, really. What are you trying to prove?

And this entry is just me venting and ranting. With a slight smile on my face. Because, despite my own emotional upheaval, Yati made my day by putting up a picture of Ewan McGregor on her blog. I love that woman.

I have discovered something odd about myself these past days.

I don't get morning sickness and I don't get cranky much. As long as I stay away from garlic (like all good vampires!), I am fine.

But for food to stay put, I have discovered that I can only eat what Shook likes to eat. I have got a miniature Shook growing inside me.

(Was it just me and my state of being or did that last remark sound really bad?)

I hope our next child will be more like me.