Still Being Random

Sometimes, when I think about my dreams, I wonder what they're trying to tell me.

Last night, I had two dreams going on simultaneously. I vaguely remember one but I definitely remember the other.

I remember that I had agreed to marry someone. Quite against my better judgement, I might add. It felt like a matchmaking thing where I never get to see the guy until the wedding day. So, because it was forced onto me, I was not enthusiatic at all about it. So I contributed nothing to the whole preparations.

But throughout the preparations, I remember going shopping with Shook's parents. I was even having a rather nice conversation with Shook's father where he was telling me how he and Aunty went shopping and were trying to buy me something. Apparently, it was a funny series of events but before he got to the punchline, my mind shoved me into the other dream.

And in the other dream, I was watching a guy go on a quest of some sort. I know he had a scroll in his hand and he kept referring to it to help him find his way. Then just as he got to his destination, I got sent back to my 'wedding' dream.

At this point, I was in a wedding outfit and heading towards a flat, where there was a function going on. I knew then that it was my wedding. My reluctance was so apparent that my parents kept looking at me. When I finally sat down, my groom appeared. At this point, I was already getting very upset. I kept thinking about Shook and I was about to cry. When I saw my groom, I nearly burst out crying. He was a big guy. He wasn't fat. He was just huge. Samoan huge. And I thought of Shook again and that's when I started crying. My father turned to me and said, very clearly, 'It's not too late to change your mind.'

That was all I needed to urge me to tell him I wanted Shook. 'I'm sure this guy is nice and all that, but I want Shook!' I remember wailing.

Just as he got up to break the news to everyone, the phone in my house rang and I woke up.

So, sometimes, I wonder if my dream are trying to reaffirm something or just trying to play with my mind.

It's Raya morning and I'm actually looking forward to the day.

Then again, I think I'm too drugged up to begin feeling angsty because as per the tradition of my home, our first day of Raya is spent visitng my father's relatives first thing in the morning. And that is rarely something I care to look forward to.

I will be spending most of today at Shook's house. Which means I hope I can catch a few minutes sleep to allow my drugs to kick in and save me from grumpiness.

Oh! I'm on drugs because I felt a little of my tonsillitis problem creeping up on me and went to the doctor yesterday to avoid a full blown down-and-out today. Suffice to say, as soon as he realised my lack of sleep was affecting my blood pressure, he decided to drug me. But at least, I'm not so doped to my ears that I'm groggy and my hands are shaking. Which is fine by me.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya. Have a good Eid Mubarak.

I can hear firecrackers here but it's not as painful as at Shook's house. If those kids go to his place today waiting for Raya money, I'm going to pretend Shook's parents aren't home. And I'll mix all the drinks and serve it to them. See how long they can wait while nursing a major tummyache. Oh, and of course, the toilets will be conveniently "spoilt". All of them! Hah!

I seriously doubt charitable and forgiving extends to leeches

I was reading some points recently. And people who know what I mean...will know what I mean.

As much as we set ourselves some lists to follow, don't you think after a while it gets, not only ridiculous, but it sets you up for a lot of disappointment?

I know we do a lot of things to keep ourselves happy. Sometimes we do it out of vengeance or anger. But when we create requirements, it really becomes an open door to a lot of setbacks. Even the best laid plans can go awry. We are only humans. We get blindsided no matter how well we plan. Trust me, I know. I work in a school!

Sometimes what we want, we don't get.

But when we expect too much, we miss all the good things that do happen to us because we're too busy reaching for the stars. Sometimes, it's better to set our sights at a more reasonable and logical level.

If we require too much, we'll never get anything. And at the end of the day, we're just looking at more despair and angst.

This isn't the movies or a novel. We don't get happy endings. We just try to survive. Expecting too much is a sure ingredient for disheartenment.

The stronger ones among us become jaded. The weak give up. I'm not sure which is worst.

It is official. The old man in the chair has spoken. (Actually he's really the Keeper of the Rulers' Seal, Engku Tan Sri Ibrahim Engku Ngah)

Hari Raya (or Eid Mubarak, as the rest of the world knows it) is on Tuesday, 24th October 2006.

For some reason, I felt that this was the easiest and fastest fasting month ever. I figured I only felt this way because I was too stressed to realise I was not eating or sleeping properly, and because I was so stressed, my body 'malfunctioned' a little and I was able to not miss a single day of fasting. So I just worked through the entire fasting month and, as long as I'm occupied, I rarely notice very much else, really.

I have discovered many things over my years of fasting. When I get a respite from fasting, I find it very difficult to get back into the routine again. This usually leads me to start fibbing left and right and then missing a few extra days that I could have done without. There was the three years I was in the US when I didn't fast at all. Then there was one year when I used an acute case of gastric to miss another whole month. But believe me, for those years that I missed fasting, I felt that Hari Raya was a chore more than a celebration. The feeling was just not there. The excitement was gone and I was angsty more than festive.

But when I did fast and did my best, not so much to be the model child and sibling, but to do my best within the confines of my family, I realised that I was enjoying the festival so much more. I took the good with joy and ignored the bad entirely. I was even able to smile at my father's hypocritical family and almost (almost!) forgive them their transgressions towards him.

(But I'm not that pious. I'm not strong or able enough to forgive those ungrateful, two-faced leeches. There was a time I was willing to give up my immortal soul just to see them perish before my eyes. Now, I find that they're not worth my immortal soul. But I still relish their hardship and despair. My sisters never once went through what I did. So, although I have more reason to hate those people, I show it or say it less than my sisters do. I keep in it and wait for the wheel of fate to take over.)

Anyway, I digressed. As I was saying, or about to say, I once knew someone who hated our religion. He hated it with such passion that he wanted to leave it and join another religion. Then I asked him to think carefully if it is the teachings he hated or the people who interpreted or practised them. When he finally answered me, he said he hated more how people used religion for their own selfish cause. To which I asked then, which is bad then? The religion or the people who mix it up so much with tradition that the original good teachings get all screwed up?

So, my point it, we need to be honest with ourselves about why we hate certain things. Is it because it really is bad or because it shows us for what we really are? There is a fine line between the two. Those of us who can survive this life are those who are prepared to accept we just might be wrong and that we can do something about it. But it really does start with us. Michael Jackson aside, maybe - just maybe - if we are prepared to change ourselves first before we change other people and if we could stop blaming others for our own faults, we could be happier people living lives we've always dreamed of.

Do I sound like I'm preaching? I hope not. I'm the last person who has the right to do so. I'm just sharing what I think based on years of experience with a multitude of people in my life.

Oh, and another thought. People, who never seem to have anything good to say about our goverment administration, should walk out from under their coconut shells and visit other "advanced" countries like Egypt and France. From my experience in Egypt 3 years ago and my parents' experience in Paris, Zurich and Geneva just a few days ago, Malaysia is still much, much better in terms of its society and its administration. Those countries are years ahead of us and they still screw things up.

How are we supposed to be perfect?

As a final note, I would like to wish everyone a happy holiday and, to my Muslim friends everywhere, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri or Happy Eid Mubarak. And if you're here, feel free to come visit me anytime on the second day. On the first day, I'll be at Shook's, as I have been doing for the past 5 years.

My Dell monitor arrived this morning!

I finally got my flat screen LCD monitor at a price I can accept. The current price is more than what I paid for it. This is waht I love about Dell - their online promotions.

Here's how it looks like on my desk.



The cat was totally unplanned but the grin fit the sentiment at that time ;)

I am starting to see a pattern to my dreaming habits.

Over the past few weeks, I thought my lack of dreams remembered is connected to my state of mental and physical exhaustion. But the past few days have proven me wrong.

My air-conditioner has just been serviced and it is very cold. Another factor for the coldness is the fact that the temperature setting is busted so it's at a constant temperature of 18 degrees Celsius.

But for the past couple of days, I have been having the weirdest dreams. On the first day after the air-con was serviced, I dreamt I was being helped by this gorgeous Marine. He showed up while I was being stalked by some killers and he helped me escape through what looked like downtown Saigon. Noticed that I used 'Saigon' which explains a whole lot about when this happened. But damn! He was gorgeous!

The second night, I dreamt I was battling some creatures from the dark. Monsters if I'm not mistaken. They can melt in and out of the shadows and are most powerful at night. In fact, light only cripples them. I was about to be told by a girl how to destroy them when my alarm woke me up.

And last night, I had a dream that has a recurring theme. I always seem to be dreaming about going back to university to study. Last night, I dreamt that I was back in university and it was my first day. (It's always my first day in my university dreams). A group of friends made up of various people from various aspects of my life took me to watch a parody of 'Lord of the Rings. I think it was called Lord of the Ring Boom or something equally dumb. People there were a lady from my Toastmasters, 2 of my students, Shook, Jerome and Nick. I know Art and Mac were going to join us later along with 2 more of my students. Thank god there was no Henrick!

Before we had to go to the movie, the Toastmaster lady was trying to talk me into driving her car. She said something about not being too confident. So I told her that I'll drive my own car, not hers. So her plan was to drive me to my dorm to get my car so that we could go to the mall later.

To my surprise, everyone piled into her 500 series BMW. I was about to get in when my alarm woke me up.

I remember, as we were walking out of the dorms to head to the parking lot, I was complaining to Nick about the weird subjects the university was forcing us to take. Even a grad student needed to take one particular undergraduate class. I think it was Life Skills. Which just boggles the mind. I remember looking at the paper and every subject had a 400 - 600 number attached but this one was 101. Really wacky!

The haze is starting to get to some people.

There is the usual illnesses and lethargy and tiredness and heaviness.

There are also some people who seem to think it is so easy to get cloud seeding going and that as soon as the deed is done, rain will fall! Sometimes I wonder about some people. On second thought, if the government works fast enough, I suppose it could work that way.

Then there are some people who seem to think that "While the haze is here, we might as well do some burning. Who's going to think we did it. Everyone will blame the dang Indonesians!"



I wonder if they realise they're contributing to the very thing that's making everyone sick?



But think about it. The Indonesians who are burning rely on that area they're burning to plant more crops which in turn will get them more money. They're in a poor country and any other means of clearing the land is too expensive. We pride ourselves in being better off yet we burn too.

They have no choice. We have a choice. And what do we do? We take the easy and dirt cheap way out because we're too lazy and stingy to do a bit more work!

Rant over on that matter.

Here's a photo I took while at the fun fair with Gette the other night. The ferris wheel doesn't actually go that fast but somehow my camera recorded it this way. It was so cool I decided to keep it.



It was my first ferris wheel ride and I loved it! I was rather scared at first but I got used to it. A couple more times and I would have stood up and leaned out the way Gette did. Haha!

I had the sudden urge to write something creative.

I know I've been 'creative' enough with my students' reports (all 35 of them) and I've been reading their exam papers (24 for History and 35 for Business Studies) and I've been staring at my Adobe Photoshop making the yearbook. And still teaching in addition to all that. (Just realised I teach 6 hours straight in a bad day and 5 hours straight on a good day). With all that, I thought I won't be able to wring anything out of my brain anymore.

Then I came across a story I have not thought about in close to 8 years. And when I read it, I realised that I wanted to read the rest of it. Problem is, I'm the author. And unless I write it, I don't get to read it.

So it looks like I've added another morsel to my plate.

I'm going to write that story to the end. I've discussed the basic plot with Gette and I told her the points at which I'm a bit stuck.

So maybe, once all the Raya chaos and school excitement is over, I can get round to working on my story.

And in the name of research I need to ask - what do guys not might wearing on them at all times? Girls have their necklaces and pendants. What's the guys' equivalent to it? Gette suggested a ring. I'd like to see if there are any conflicting ideas to it. If not, I'll use the ring.