There were many things I wanted when I was young. The perfect life, the perfect wedding, the perfect boyfrined who would be my husband and my life was planned all the way until I died.

Since then, I've learnt that nothing is perfect, least of all myself. And I've stopped expecting too much. Somewhere along the way, I have felt disappointment from my family, my friends and, most of all, I've disappointed myself.

I made deals with God which I later reneged on. So whatever I got in return, I felt I deserved. When I thought rude things about my parents and bad things happened to me later, I was resigned to the fact that I deserved it. For every friend I let down, I figured it was fine that another friend later let me down.

I'm a strong believer in karma and the need for balance. For every good I do, there's another good waiting for me. For every bad I put someone through, I figured I deserved some bad in return. The amount of returns I get will let me know how much I've done.

Sometimes I look back at my life and I think maybe I didn't do as much bad as I am trying to repent for. Maybe He does love me more than I love myself. I am so hard on myself that I don't expect any good to happen to me. I spend so much time trying to do good to others almost without thought for myself. Sometimes I annoy Shook when I tell him people owe me money but I never claimed it. He couldn't get his mind around how I prefer to sacrifice my own ease of mind for others.

The way I see it is that I believe in God. I believe in the afterlife. What I cannot get now, I hope to get later. What I think and do and say now will either bite me back later or pat me on the head.

So far, without knowing it, I have followed the path I mapped out for myself. The timeline is off but the journey is pretty much the same. When I became a big-sized person, I figured no pilot would take a second look at me. Everyone knows pilots care for looks rather than brains. And I loved pilots. I loved all those movies and shows about pilots and planes. When I met Shook, he was a share analyst who wanted to get a pilot's license. I ever thought he'd actually be one or that I'd marry him.

The map of my life was finish school, get a job, get a boyfriend and get married. What happens after that I'll have to think of later. Turns out later might just be now. All I know is that I want to grow old with my husband, have grandchildren who we'll tell stories to and eventually die in my sleep on my birthday.

And seeing the way things seem to happen as I want them to without my forcing it to happen, I am still hoping for that eventually. But every year, on my birthday, I go to sleep with a prayer in my heart and a contention that if I don't wake up the next day, it will be exactly as I wish my death to be. I will die regretting nothing. And I will die with the certainty that I have wronged no one and wish only good things for everyone whether they be someone I love or hate.

Then maybe God will go easy on his sinful child.