Still Being Random

I think I'm ready for a change. Or maybe it's Shook's child talking. And no, contrary to anyone's belief, I am not using the child as a convenient excuse. Although you do have to admit that I am acting rather strange a lot nowadays.

I have been angry and in despair and depressed the last few weeks. But yesterday, after wallowing half the day, I got angry at myself for being stupid and sad. So I drank some Milo, took a 5-minute nap and when I woke up, I was fine.

And, incredibly, I got very chatty. I didn't feel like talking to my students or anyone though. I wanted to talk to Shook. So, despite being very sleepy still, I called him as soon as I got home. I bothered him for a good half an hour then took another nap.

It didn't do me any good because I was still sleepy when I went for my Toastmasters meeting. Then sometime during the meeting, a quote about anger was mentioned. Suddenly, a light went off in my head. I realised completely then how foolish I had been.

I believe things happen for a reason. I got angry with Shook and that girl because I was feeling inadequate and insecure. So, instead of facing myself, I took it out on them. Which is so wrong. I trust Shook so why did I keep punishing him? The fact that I realised that in the day and was reinforced in the evening strenghtened my convictions that I had done the right thing. I had no cause for worry. I also knew that even if Shook strayed (which he's had 8 years of chances of doing) it would be me he'll come back to at the end of the day. And that, above all else, is what I want.

And I figured that he has a very good female friend in KL so why shouldn't he need one in Bintulu where everyone else around him is young and juvenile? After all, I have close male friends too. So, since he's allowed me my male friends, I can afford to allow him his female friends. But, if they get too close, I will still pound the living daylights and their future generations out of them. I'm pregnant and hormonal. I have the right.

So, after all that, I'm no longer angry or depressed. I love him more than ever and I miss him enough to want to go see him any weekend from now. I trust him and hopefully, one day I can explain to him why I have such difficulty trusting people and why I keep expecting them to hurt me (which a lot of times, they never fail to fulfill my expectations).

But for now, I'm going to concentrate on myself, the baby and Shook. Not always in that order. I desperately need him because he keeps me calm and not nauseous. And we talked about the girl last night and now I feel for her. (See? I'm very amiable! This is very much the baby's fault. I'm not usually so amiable.) Anyway, the girl has problems of her own and she tells Shook and some he tells me. At least the work related ones. But if she has any problems about any kind of feelings for Shook, I don't care either anymore. She's Roman Catholic, she goes for confession and they believe in Hell! 'Nuff said!

But, on the whole, I'm better now. And I think I may have become a better person as well. At least, I hope I have.

This is a very impressive video. I had a good time trying to figure out the people involved as well as the war that was depicted.

It's interesting if you know your culinary country of origin and world history.

Enjoy this. I know I did.

Food Fight video

My reaction to people usually depends either on my first impression or after careful evaluation within a set period of time. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it?

Do you ever notice that the most amusing tales of people usually already gives you an idea of what they really are? I mean, stupid people do stupid things. Careful people do things slowly and with much thought. Selfish people can't get beyond themselves. Happy people do things that ensures the most joy to themselves. Smart people do things that fall within the realms of logic.

I am not prone to jealousy. In fact, I have learnt years ago to keep that part of me reined in tightly. So, a lot of times, people see me not caring rather than reacting in a jealous rage. But once I do get into a rage, it's hardly ever mindless and attention seeking. I plan my payback. Just as I wait and see how most people act before I decide on their character. Most of the time I can be this civilised.

Not many things make me react in a jealous fit nowadays. My only triggers are very Shook-oriented. I've been angry with Yodie for not leaving us alone. This was so bad once that I refused to buy her food and I kept telling her that she was nothing more than a cat so don't keep getting human aspirations. But now, she' s paying me back cat-style by ignoring me and refusing anything I offer since she was told I'm pregnant.

Recently, I got very jealous about Shook spending a lot of time with a female instructor at the Academy. It might be nothing but I've cried buckets twice over it. He assures me there's nothing on between them and I am trying very hard to believe him. It's not him but I've been used by too many people to completely trust anyone anymore. But I do trust him more than anyone else as well. But if he keeps being too nice to her, she's the one I'm worried about. No, not in the 'I care' kind of worried. It's in the 'I'm really in too good a mood to destroy right now but I will if you touch him' kind of worried.

He thinks of her as a sister. Well, like his sisters, she makes him do things for her when she's PMS-ing. Which I think is a stupid excuse. I get PMS too. You don't see me behaving all fragile and weak. Pah! That sort of behaviour belongs in ye olde England. Then why weren't you married at 15 and pregnant by 16 if you're so weak?! And I'd like to see how that sort of thinking works with her boss if she ever needs to fly when she's PMS-ing. My fat ass!

Women can assert their strengths in many ways. We don't have to be agressive or demanding. In fact, lots of women get their way better when they're soft and sweet than all 'I am woman! Hear me roar!' The guy who takes that always is either a Mama's boy or a weakling. Either way, you sure you want him to be the father of your children? They'll walk all over their father and most likely, eat him out of house and home and then dump him in an old folks' home when they grow up.

On the other hand, getting all weak and helpless because of a fact of life (even if it does come once a month) is just stupid. Not to mention a lot of people forget that PMS means pre and not during or post. And the fact that all men now make fun of women PMS-ing because of all the noise women make about it? Someone explain to me how this is a good thing again?

And how old are we anyway? I suffered severe menstrual cramps and PMS moodiness when I was a teenager. The cramps are on and off even now, depending on my level of stress and irregular cycles. My moodiness I just took it by the hand and stamped it out. I decided one day that I was sick and tired and bored of my mood swings and childishness and put an end to it. And it hasn't bothered me since.

But my jealousy? It still lurks somewhere in the corners of my mind. It reared its fugly head a few days ago which almost ruined Shook's holiday. It would have if we let it. But he didn't allow it and I figured he was being so considerate to drive all the way home to be with me so the least I could do was be nice. Even if I was ready to destroy.

Notice how I don't use the word 'kill'? You see, I don't kill. I destroy. There is a difference. Destroy means nobody anywhere will ever want the person again whether it be personally or professionally. Kill means it's over too soon.

I only do this for people I genuinely care for. Right now, it's my parents and Shook and then my sisters. Anyone else will still need to prove themselves to me. If they expect me to think about them first then they might want to think about me once in a while. I do have feelings, even if I seldom air it. Then again, I only air my grievances to people I know will care enough to listen. Like Gette.

As young as my sisters are, the moment I told them a girl might be making a move on Shook, they swore instant revenge. And that's only a 'might'. Now these are the kind of sisters worth being nice to. Even Shook found it flattering and amusing when I told him. And he thought only friends did things like this. Hah! Not in my house, buddy. We live together so we fight together.

And as much I suspect that these feelings come from my hormones, I know myself too well. This is just a way out for my jealousy. Maybe I've been hanging on to it too tightly. It needs an outlet.

But, honestly, won't you be jealous if you thought someone was trying to come on to your husband? Even if it may not be true. Your thoughts are enough to get you going. Luckily, I have an understanding husband. He says he's hot, other girls think he's hot. But I really don't believe other girls can deal with his temper and crankiness. Especially when he's all out angry and annoyed and frustrated and cranky. I'd like to see them try!

And besides, just to boost myself, I'm prettier and smarter. And if he can turn his back on the mother of his child right now, damn, I must have been seriously blind while we were dating! And I pride myself in being very aware, sometimes even more so than the person themselves know.

Haha! I do have a life. Really. But I noticed that a lot of the movies came out in the 80s and 90s. My parents loved going to the movies so I always went with them. The love rubbed off on me. I watched drama, comedies and romance with my mom, Grease was with my aunt on one of her first dates and the action and thrillers with my dad. Then in the 90s, I was in college. My friend and I went for a movie after every exam just to de-stress. And while in the US, even when we couldn't afford the regular circuit movies, we'd go watch the $1.99 ones. Besides, there was always the late night movies on cable. As for now, I watch what my students recommend, just to keep up with their mindset. And don't forget, I have younger sisters. When I buy movies for them, I insist on watching it first.

There are some movies I didn't put a mark against only because I watched bits and pieces of it. And I'm disappointed that Dune isn't in the list.

And ask anyone in my age group. Mars Attack was superb!

I have learnt so many things about the big event that just happened. So many things which are not privy to outsiders yet could so change the way things are in our state. But knowing as I do, I still go voting. I like how things are slowly changing and I hope for the better. And one thing I hope everyone learns from this is that being too full of yourself and being too proud does not serve any good purpose. And despite what people say, it was the natives who won the election for the state.

Anyway, for some odd reason, my father decided to get me a new laptop. He initially went to get one for my youngest sister. But we both were eyeing the same laptop so he decided to get me one. But she decided at the last moment to get an Asus laptop which she absolutely is joyful about. And I finally got my HP Pavillion TX 1000 laptop which I have been eyeing for ages! The only problem is that it's running Vista and after only 24 hours, already I am annoyed with the OS. So I'm going back to the shop, ask them a few questions and then decide once and for all if I want them to change it to XP. Chances are I will change it to XP since I need to install Adobe PageMaker and Photoshop in this laptop to do work.

Other than that, nothing much is going on. My hormones are haywire and I can go from laughing to crying within the space of typing an sms. It doesn't help that I do miss Shook like hell right now. I know he's coming home next week. But how on this green earth do I survive the next few months without him coming home?! *sigh* A problem that bears looking into. It also doesn't help that I'm not sure how well I can cope despite me fully realising that I might have the strength to cope.

One day, I'll make sense again.

For some unknown reason, I decided to update my blogroll. I took some sites out because they are hardly ever updated. I updated, renamed and "relocated" some others. I've decided to just name the sites according to their owners' names because at the rate my memory is going, I forgot half of the websites I had on the roll.

I'm supposed to do work but I get a wee bit nauseous looking down too long. So typing and writing could only be done in short intervals.

Other than that, I'm wondering why I am unable to feel very much. Two students from school got involved in a very horrible car accident. One died and the other is in a stable condition at the hospital despite rumours saying that he died. Hello people! If you're so obsessed with death, why don't you go kill yourself?! The teachers are all upset. I feel nothing. I even got cynical and thought the speech given by the Head of the Board of Directors was a little overboard and gave him a quizzical look before I remembered I was supposed to be in despair. I mean, who would mention a 9-year-old kid's legacy? He was not old enough or aware enough to leave a legacy behind. I illogically thought at one point that I should make myself cry since all the other teachers were either crying or looked like they were about to cry. Then I thought 'huh? why?'. One teacher said she was traumatised by the whole thing and that explained why she was giving everyone detention. My reaction was 'wtf? you nuts?'. Oh yeah, so traumatised that she didn't bother taking off her shoes when going into the hall where everyone was praying for the kids and their mother.

I get irrational mood swings but they last only 5 minutes at most. I get a lot of illogical thoughts running through my mind.

My sense of smell is more acute now. This is not a good thing when you're hanging around teenagers all day.

Nausea hits me when I haven't got enough sleep. But I've discovered that mandarin oranges cures that.

And I am so so so very, very happy that the holiday starts this Friday. I can sleep longer. But on the bad side, I have no money to go see Shook and I'm not going anywhere for the holidays. However, Shook might be coming home a few weeks after. Yay!!

And I want to watch The Unit season 3!!