Still Being Random

I believe I've become a fan of Idina Menzel.

I first recognised her voice in her single Brave. Then I realised she was in Rent, playing Maureen, and tonight I recognised her voice in Wicked, playing Elphaba. She acted in the movie version of Rent, reprising her role of Maureen. She also played Nancy in the movie Enchanted but she didn't sing.

I just really find her voice very recognisable and I enjoy how she sing,

My youngest sister was commenting today about how I write more lovey-dovey things about Shook now compared to before.

So my answer was simple. He never showed me what romance he was capable of before. When I asked him this a few days ago, he replied to the effect that there wasn't much point in making an effort in a relationship that might not come to much.

When I thought about it, I saw the wisdom in his words. I see many couples nowadays getting all gooey-eyed at each other, helping each other out, being so considerate and sometimes to a point of showing public displays of affection. (Sometimes the pda is too much but we won't go there!)

Then, later, these same couples get really distant and complacent with each other once they are married. If they work it out, they'll try to reclaim that gooey-ness they had earlier. If not, they stray and look elsewhere to recapture those feelings to being loved. Sometimes, the problems start before they even marry.

In my case, because of Shook's mentality and, to a certain degree, because of my own very strong sense of self-preservation, we never showed much affection in public. Sometimes, I openly chase him away to go out with the boys just so I can go do my own thing. Other times, I spend time with him, but we're not plastered to each other. A lot of times, we don't even mind not sitting next to each other.

Honestly, I'm almost the personification of once-bitten-twice-shy. I've had one bad attempt at a relationship and so I wasn't keen on jumping into another. Some people may say I lack the resilience. I just say I'm not a big fan of pain. Besides, I've heard too many people who have been through bad relationsips start to bad-mouth the person they broke up with or who broke up with them. I wasn't about to be one of those people. I got more careful to a point that I wasn't even looking anymore.

And, now that I can be honest, I think my standards were too high. I wanted someone I can talk to, who would not order me around or won't be intimidated by me and I needed someone with spine yet was aware enough to listen to my opinions. I had more criterias but they're too many to go into.

This being Malaysia, I knew I had a low chance of finding that.

Anyway, before I digress further, I talk a whole lot more about Shook because we feel secure with each other now. He feels especially more secure and enough to trust me with his true self. And his true self makes me grateful he's only showing it now because I could have easily fallen victim to taking him for granted if he had shown it earlier. Also, I might have felt it was too much to live up to if we were just still dating.

To be honest, while we were dating, I expected to break up with him almost every month. Which is why I was always so careful to be emotionally distant. Every month, I'd mark the end of the month with a smile to remind myself that we were still together. And every month, I'd work at making sure I got another smile at the end of the month. Rather sad, wasn't it?

When it comes to emotions and relationships, I'm very skittish. I just sound tough but I knew I could never take another bad one.

Despite it all, I was understanding as a single person. I knew when people needed to spend time with their other ones. I used to be young and very inconsiderate but I've learnt my lesson since.

I had a very good back-up plan while single. But it must have been a sign when Shook came along and I got instantly attracted and then Bali exploded that there was no way that plan would ever come to be.

I still laugh at the girl who was so sure Shook wanted her that she immediately told him she liked only Chinese men and never Malays. Never time, stupid, find out first before you open your mouth! But I'm not complaining.

Like Shook once told me, "Ever wondered where the good ones are? Well, now you know where one went."

And speaking of good ones, Borneo Post interviewed my father and Shook for Father's Day. I think it's coming out this Sunday. Go read the articles. Shook's answers definitely made me realise he is one to keep for good. And I'm so very glad I got the chance to find out.

Now, if only I can figure out to how to send one copy to KL.

I have a case of the mind and heart are willing but the body is not.

I really wanted to go out this evening and meet up with Shah and Rin and Ivan. But, as always during the first week of school, I am just too tired to go anywhere. All I want to do is sleep. And when I'm tired nowadays, I have a greater tendency to waddle.

It doesn't help that the past two days my baby has been restless everything I talk to men. It's as if I'm being reminded of a fact I can't possibly forget.

I think part of my fatigue arises from the fact that my body is working overtime for the baby and I have some trouble falling aslep at nights.

Yet, despite it all, I still try to met up with friends just so I don't feel so cut off. If Shook were around, I won't mind so much. But he's not, so I need to take my mind off missing him. That, and so I'd stop worrying so much about him.

*Sigh* I hope I feel better this weekend. I do so not like being so tired.

I think the live telecast of the Parliament sessions are good in many ways.

It shows us what our representatives are truly doing, whether they are for the Government or not.

It also shows us that not everything the Opposition bloggers write on their blogs are true. They say one thing but decide not to report everything. And yet they take the holier-than-thou road and say they speak more truths than the Government representatives.

It shows that while some MPs are heavily debating an issue they feel strongly about, the two biggest Opposition bloggers known are either missing or walking around socialising. They say they are the voices and they say that the Government does not listen to the voices of the people. yet why aren't they speaking up or even listening? If they feel that strongly, for God's sake, do the job you are so determined to make people believe you are doing!

I am not very pro-Government. But I do strongly believe in being fair.

So it galls me to listen or read these Opposition people saying that the Government is nasty, stupid and hides the truth when they themselves don't always tell the truth either.

I know politics can be brutal and full of lies but where is the sense of intergrity? Especially coming from people who have sworn to fight for those oppressed by the government.

It's just stupid. I used to believe these lies. But after watching the live telecasts and having attended Parliament then seeing what these Opposition MPs are really like, I now read their blogs with a whole lot more cynicism than when I read the newspapers.

When I first met Shook, the last thing I expected from him was to be a romantic. I mean, this was the guy who dissed weddings saying that everytime he gets invited to one, he'd either skip it or buy the newly-wed couple a guide book to divorce. And when I mention anything that is romantic, he'd say phht and change the subject. He also once told me he got freaked out when one of his ex-girlfriends asked who their children would look when they have any. He didn't strike me as a very romantic person or if there was even a speck of romance in him.

But the rest of him was intriguing so I stayed to find out more. But I gave him as good as he gave out. Because not once did I mention us getting married, not once did I mention I wanted to meet the rest of his family, I never mentioned having children (in fact, he mentioned it first!) and most of all, I was the most non-cuddly, non-gooey girlfriend SEEN.

However, since we've been married, it seems as if he's allowed himself to be more open. A friend said he's more secure and relaxed. Oh, we still fight but it's very rare nowadays. And we know when to take time out from each other when it does happen. Even if he is here and we get into an argument, if we have to meet up with friends, either one of us will make a mundane comment to ease the tension between us. I always make a point of never, ever showing his friends I am angry with him. Neither do I criticise him in front of them. It's just not done. I don't want his friends going away thinking he's now pussy-whipped. Neither do I allow my friends to think he's being harsh or mean to me. I tell them good things. As part of a couple, we have to maintain good images of each other. It gets more once we were married. That's how relationships and marriages work. Nobody knows if and when we fight. My parents don't even know and we live with them. My sisters don't know and they are my confidantes. The moment I walk out of our room, I act as if all is right with the world, even if I had been crying before this.

But to be fair to Shook, I haven't cried sad tears for awhile. I tend to cry happy tears because of things he's said and done. Once, he suddenly messaged me saying he loved me. This from a guy who doesn't know how to say it out. Another time, he suddenly messaged saying he missed me when I was expecting a smartass remark from him. His surprises keep me on my toes yet I never take him for granted.

Just last week, he did something totally unexpected again. He told me that he would only be coming home on the 30th, maybe earliest 28th if he can finagle it out of his academy. So on Tuesday, I told him I might not be able to meet him online for our usual chats because I had to send my mother and sisters to the airport. And then I was going to the supermarket to buy food for us for the week my family was not around. I messaged him early in the morning to remind him and he replied as usual.

Then before I went to the airport, I messaged him again. But he didn't reply. So I got a little worried. I knew he wasn't flying or in briefing so I wondered at the silence. My mom got worried too and told me to call Sonnie or Alam. I told her I'd wait until their lunch break then call. Then I messaged Shook at around 1 p.m. to ask what bread he preferred. He replied so I figured he was all right. And when I got online I saw Alam but no Shook. Again, I figured he had something to do or was not near his laptop.

In the afternoon, my mom asked about him again and I said I had heard from him. So she was appeased. Then I went out to buy bread. Something instinctive told me to go home despite the fact that I still wanted to go looking for russet potatoes. I'm a person who trusts her instincts a lot so I headed home. Just as I parked my car and closed the gate, who rolls up the driveway if not my beloved husband.

I was too happy to see him that I couldn't scold him for driving back alone. When I told my parents that he had come home early to surprise me, even they could not do more than a token mention about him driving home alone. But I was ecstatic to see him.

What he did was something I would never have expected. I know my dad did it once to my mom so she had her suspicions. But I thought I knew Shook well enough that I wasn't prepared for such a surprise. My sisters thought it was sweet. Even my voice instructor was gleeful. When I told my Toastmasters that night that I wanted to leave the AGM sooner than usual, they understood after hearing my story.

Like I told Shook, he is the only guy who makes me feel loved. Every guy I was ever interested in all assumed I was strong enough that I didn't need any reassurance or pretty gestures. But I think well-deserved gestures are good. It's what keeps a relationship going. Relationships aren't based on who is stronger or who wins. I believe it is based on how the couple work together, how they understand each other, how they communicate and relate. Best of all, I believe it is based on how much love and consideration the couples show for each other.

I'm no expert but I've seen enough selfish relationships that I can tell either one half of the couple is too weak to let go or the relationship will not last long. It doesn't mean I am luckier or better. It just means that I know a good thing when I see it and I know how to appreciate it.

Whenever Shook comes home, we always go visit the site where our new house is being built. When I first saw it go up, I thought the place was cosy and small. Now that they've cleared up most of the rubble, I have come to realise that our house is huge.

It looks relatively small from the outside but the kitchen and dining room takes on the entire back part of the house. Our master bedroom is the entire upper left wing of the house and the living room is right under our master bedroom. Every room is going to be air-conditioned and my dad wants us to go furniture shopping in KL as soon as the house is about to finish. My mom aims to make Ikea one very happy store after we walk out of it then. We also have two bedrooms upstairs for our children. One room downstairs is tentatively planned to be a game-TV room. The other small room is supposed to be a servant's quarters but I don't myself being comfortable with a maid in my house. But we'll see about this one.

The one thing I am looking forward to about our house is the area. There is so much space left over that we could easily build another small cottage behind the garage and another one in front of our house. So I told Shook we could add his own little workshop behind the garage and maybe a fountain or a pond in front. The rest of the back of the house will have to accommodate an outdoor barbecue pit.

Shook's friend Raymond has agreed to help us do landscaping because Shook told him I wanted a Balinese-style garden. He'll also help arrange for maintenance since I am the only person I know who can kill cacti. So plants and flowers are way out of my league.

Shook and I are also looking into security and I've long decided that our house has windows in all the strategic places, making it so easy to pick off intruders one by one from any window in the house. Perimeter plants will be specifically chosen to make any intruders very uncomfortable or in a lot of pain.

And once the house is completed and we've moved in, we'll have a makan selamat for family and relatives. But, after that, we're going to arrange a huge party for our friends only. Maybe the Christmas gathering this year could be at our house this time.

I find this whole process almost exciting. It's like playing The Sims 2 except I have no money cheat. The colours of the walls, the tiles, the furniture and general interior decor. Then again I was never one for big dreams and big possessions so I'm quite sure we can afford a lot of things that we want. I'm basically a person with simple tastes. It's just sad that everything just seems so expensive nowadays. Only a fool would want to try and aim for something outside their means in this day and age. But Shook would be working and earning enough for us by the time we think of adding more things to the house anyway.

Hmmm....maybe I should get Shah to go with me to our house and see what he says about decorating the place.

See? At times like this, one should treasure their friends since you never know when you need their help. I pity those who either have no friends or don't know how to treasure them.

And, on top of this, my dad is still holding us to his promise to send us on a honeymoon to Europe and Istanbul. All this even after an elaborate engagement and a huge wedding. I know I helped contribute about RM45,000 for my wedding. It was part of the money my dad gave me a few years ago. Weddings aren't cheap nowadays. If left to me and Shook, our marriage would have taken place at Majlis Islam and then a small lunch or dinner at Sarawak Club because that would be what we could afford on our own. Even with money I won't go near Merdeka Palace. One thing I know from experience is that Merdeka Palace cuts your throat. They are overly pricey but the food and service sucks like crap. And I know that if you need to ask them how much their prices are, chances are you cannot afford it. I know this because I've arranged corporate and school dinners there.

At the end of the day, weddings aren't about the setting. It's about the couple getting married. I know that as soon as Shook and I were married, I was more than willing to skip the whole reception and then the bersanding. I know it was too late by then but, all I wanted was to marry this guy. I didn't care about any silly dinner or reception or showing off. I didn't even care if the Governor or the Chief Minister was there. Although the Chief Minister, who had to attend another function that same night, later told his wife that he should have gone to our dinner instead.

I did remember asking Shook the evening before the reception if we could just elope then. I really just wanted to lie down and sleep and be with him. Not be at a dinner which I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy.

I know. I know. We have a whole lifetime of it. But like everything in life, we all try our hardest at the beginning of something then we tend to become complacent later.

And, oh, my dad bought us a new phone each. By us, I mean, my two sisters, myself and even Shook. And as usual, I got the simplest one because I don't need anything for more than messaging and calling. I have an iPod, a camera and a PDA. Why would I need a phone that has all those functions as well? Such a waste of money then.

And I'm the daughter of parents who can afford things. Sometimes even I don't ask for things if it's too expensive. See how I think? Sometimes I wonder why people who cannot afford things want to have such big, expensive dreams. It seems so white trash Malaysian style. If you can't afford, you can't afford. Live within your means. I'm not going to apologise for having parents who can buy me things but I will feel sorry for parents who cannot afford but have white trash children who want to show off as if they can. Get real!

Before I digress further, our house is in what my dad calls an exclusive area. In fact, ours is the smallest house there. It'll definitely have the poorest residents. Everyone else is a VIP or rich.

But I love that house. It's enough to make me consider quitting my job, taking up my writing again and opening a small family business. Then I can also stay home and be a wife and mother.

Hey, this is my reality. And I like it. Like I've always said, I aim never to do anything I might regret later. With Shook by my side, I know I'll make the right decisions since he never lets me decide on anything which he thinks I might regret later either.

The cadets at Shook's academy were introduced or re-introduced to Top Gun some months back. By Shook, of course.

Regardless of the fact that this is the movie that got me all gooey over pilots and even more buttery over Tomcats. F-14s I think they are. I know. I'm lousy with technicalities but I know I love those jets and that's all there is to it.

Now, the closest I've been to being the Kelly McGillis character is to be a teacher myself. I once contemplated getting a pilot's license but, let's face it. I lack the tenacity and drive Shook has. I'll get bored and distracted and probably bail out halfway.

When I met Shook, he was a share analyst. I thought that was probably one of the most boring jobs ever but I was attracted to the man not his job. When I found out he wanted to take a pilot's license, I was impressed. I didn't figure he wanted to make a career out of it. 8 years later and look at where we are now.

Anyway, back to his cadets.They look up to him even while they are wary of him. I have seen them. They keep a respectful distance and Shook could give them a monosyllabic reply to any of their questions and they scatter. It's funny yet weird to see.

Before I digress further, his cadets have watched Top Gun, I think, more than 3 times. I said I think because 3 times is what Shook notices. They probably have watched it more than that many times. Now some of them fantasise being Top Gunners when they're flying.

The thing that occured to me today is that all it needs is one of them to try and find a female instructor and try to complete the whole fantasy. He would be Maverick then. If I were teaching there and single, I'd be wary.

The fact that I have a low regard for the instructors is beside the point right now. Some of them have no professional ethics at all. Heck, they have Shook doing some of their work for them! Which educators creed did they pick that up from?!

But the instructors are a whole different story. I wish I could go in and lecture them a bit about ethics and professional decency. But my post is about the cadets, not the instructors. If it were about the instructors, you can be sure it'd be a rant. So I won't go into it.

Not yet.