Still Being Random

I got tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I still feel the depression waiting at the fringes of my mind, as if it's waiting to pounce on me the moment I let my guard down.

But I got tired of giving in to it. I'm really quite annoyed with myself right now. I'm annoyed that I let my emotions take over, that I let my hormones take such control of me. I know I can overcome this and, bloody hell, I will!

So, despite waking up with a bad headache this morning, I went to work and worked all through the day non-stop. I didn't even take a break during the break and lunch times. At break time, I worked on a handbook at my computer (same handbook I've been working on during all of my free time at school) and during lunch, I did my yard duty and went to help my students raise money by having a car wash. So I washed cars today. Helped a lot with the angst and depression. Then after school, I went to a staff meeting during which, quite honestly, nothing much made sense to me because I was so dazed.

I decided not to stop even when I got home. My mind is still going and my body is still on the move. As soon as I'm done with this post, I'm going to grab a steak from the kitchen, enjoy it then run out to go bother Shook. I'm at the point where I refuse to think of why I'm feeling so pessimistic about myself and where I'm headed. If I start to think about it, I'll go into a manic depression, I believe. I might end up actually hurting someone. The last time I felt so strongly about this, I had to call Art to stop me from running my car off the bridge. Before that, I was in Michigan and I picked up my housemate by his throat and threw him out of the house because he pissed me off. I think I remember our other housemates yelling at me to put him down because he was turning purple. I know he had a bruised neck for a week and some of our friends felt I did the right thing. Yep, they all hated him.

I've had no social contact for three days now. I'm either at work where I don't socialise anyway because it's just a waste of time, or at home where I'm always in my room. Sometimes, my sisters' voices irritate me so I watch a movie or a downloaded show instead.

I think isolating myself works. I stop thinking of whys and what-ifs. I refuse to think of friendships and relationships. I just stick to my own little world for awhile just to get my balance back.

If you're wondering whether I've tried talking to anyone, my next question is who? I'm one of those people who can't share what she actually feels. What I show, what I say to others, is seldon what I really, really feel. My hatreds scare even me so I don't share them with anyone. Same about my angers. Even my joys I don't share because sometimes people are too wrapped up in themselves to listen to me. So I don't tell.

Oh...on a different note, Macavity was sent to the groomers yesterday. We followed the groomer's advice and sent him early in the afternoon as requested because the groomer was not so sure how he'll behave. Turns out, he was fine and came home with shorter nails and hair and a nice smell. He 's also got a collar now which he seems happy with. My parents said he looks much happier now because we're all over him. Brat!

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting now and going to grab that steak.

Oh, I finally drew something. Actually, I drew it and then coloured it in oil pastels. I took a photo but I'm too lazy to put it up. And I've got the strong urge to write a story or a poem even. Damn! It's the depression talking. I only write poems when I'm really depressed. Damn!

Going to hope that Shook can cheer me up now.

I'm feeling very demotivated today. I'm not sure why. I'm almost sure it's PMS raising its ugly head but I've had this feeling before and I just couldn't determine if it's connected to my hormones.

The thing is whenever I get this feeling, I just have the overwhelming urge to quit my job and take a sabbatical from the workforce. However, we all know I do not have this luxury. Not only will my parents not quite understand (not that I've tried asking) but I also know that sitting at home doing nothing but stare at the computer or TV will definitely drive me crazy. And, I just have too many things to pay for to quit my job.

I do know that I've been getting this feeling more and more often these few weeks. I'm just tired, I guess. I'm tired of office politics, and teachers who have nothing better to do than gossip about other people, of being nagged, of being made to feel obligated to do anything, of being made to feel like I have to give in. I'm just tired of many things. Above all, I'm tired of hurting. My feelings get hurt more often now by people who don't seem to think I have feelings too. Although I've never been clinical diagnosed as suicidal or depressed, I still do realise that this feeling is enough to make anyone depressed. Suicide is a thought but never more than that. I tried it once and, believe me, once really is enough.

I suppose I can safely say that I'm depressed. I truly know no way to overcome it. I'm hoping it's just hormones and it will go away soon. Because right now, I feel like nothing can ever make me happy and nobody cares enough to try. And I hate this feeling.

Or I am really just mentally tired.

I was watching Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time today when for some reason I decided to read the credits. There is a song in there which I really liked and I wanted to know who sings it.

To my amazement, it listed Hayden Panettiere as the singer. So I googled it and found a lot of things.

One is the music video and the other is apparently her official myspace website.

But whatever it is, she has the typical Disney soundtrack singer voice. So she is the most appropriate person to be singing all these songs. Here's another one and another one.

She's a composer and a singer and an actress. I never expected this. I'm never watching Heroes the same way again

Enjoy!

I was standing outside Shook's house tonight, watching the fireworks coming from the neighbours' house.

Between Shook and his dad, I learnt that the neighbours are firing the expensive fireworks. And I believe them because these fireworks are gorgeous. Shook called them a name that I can't recall right now. But they break into little glitters of light like stars and they're mullti-coloured. The ones I love most start out plain old white and then explode into purple then break up into small glittering stars. I was standing at the door grinning like an idiot, just totally fascinated and in love with the show of fireworks.

Sometimes, it is good to still be enchanted by silly little things like fireworks. You end up feeling almost child-like. Another plus is that, if you can retain this outlook on things, nobody would be able to guess your true age or even tell you that your age is showing. Haha!

Another thing that sort of made me go all gooey and squee inside is that Shook joined my family for our traditional reunion dinner on Saturday night. I think he's getting the idea that we might not be perfect but we get along pretty okay. And also, my 3 month old niece is totally enchanted by him. She giggle and gurgles at him. How unusual is that!

So...yeah...squee moments even in the midst of the 'war' of fireworks outside.

Anyway, I spent all day today visiting and I should be tired. I was earlier but I had to finish an assignment to be uploaded and submitted tomorrow...errr, today. I am also having breakfast with my cousins in the morning. So I should go to sleep.

Oh well! Happy Chinese New Year to everyone!

I took this picture a few Christmases ago. The ornament was hanging on a tree at a hotel I was staying at.

It was so eye-catching that I just had to snap a photo of it.

It's that time of the year again. It's when I get cynical about relationships even though I am in one myself.

Seriously, I've heard it time and time again. People say that today is the day to appreciate those we care for, those we love. And when I ask them about the other days in the year, they say I'm jaded. They also say that they appreciate their loved ones other days too but today they show it.

To me, there's no such thing. You love someone, you show them. You care for people, you show them through your daily actions. Even if you fight and then you make up, it's still showing that you care enough to try. You remember their sorrows, their joys. You remember their special days and their unhappy ones. You share and you care. All that, I believe in.

I don't believe in grand gestures or public declarations. Those work well in the movies but then the movies make money out of them. I don't believe in overwhelming number of flowers, chocolates and candies. I don't believe in presents that come once a year or even dinners that only happen once a year. I don't believe in popping your head out once a year just to see if someone is out there waiting for you. I don't even believe in those sentimental text messages specially designed for today coming from people who never, ever text me without wanting a favour.

I do believe in love. I do believe we need to show people we care for them anytime of the year. I do believe that when you find the one you're meant to be with, things will fall into place for you, even if the one is not who you expected it to be. I believe in destiny. I believe in karma.

I've said it before and I will say it again. Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday. It's a day so commercialised that I now roll my eyes at it and secretly laugh at people's tendencies to get dragged away by it. I know I would use today as an excuse to catch up with friends and have a nice night out. But then again, I use such excuses every chance I get anyway. So today is nothing more than another day for me.

Because, you see, I love Shook and I know he loves me. And, I had a wonderful surprise when Rin messaged me last night to ask us to join them for dinner tonight. So, between the three of us, we care for each other. We may sometimes get on each other's nerves but we care. And that's what love is.

Not all those flowers, and candies, and chocolates, and stupid overly emotional text messages from people who don't even know how to care for anyone except themselves.

I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. It helps me to see if I'm too judgemental or quite right in trusting my instincts. So far, my instincts win hands down. I believe I know people well enough through watching them and interacting with them. A good person cannot hide how good they are just as a bad person cannot hide how bad they truly are.

The bitches in us are actually to hide how easily we can be hurt while the assholes in some guys are actually to hide how much they need to be loved and understood. On the other end of the extreme, there are some guys who claim to be nice but are really insufferable jerks.

So, when I see these people, I watch them, I try and talk to them and, above all, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, I get tired of their bad vibes and just don't bother with them. Or I get attracted to their good vibes and keep trying to pull them out of their shells. A lot of times, I am right in my decisions about people. There's been only one or two occasions when I am proven wrong. But I don't talk to those people anymore and neither do I even acknowledge they exist so my problem is solved.

Anyway, I just want to acknowledge tonight that I have a colleague who seems to must have the limelight only on her. When she has a problem with her other colleagues, it's a major issue. She's so stressed and wants to change jobs and can't trust them so don't you trust them yadda yadda yadda. But when I have a problem of trust with a colleague, all she says is 'Don't care about them lah! I also don't care anymore.'

So your problem needs to be aired while mine gets shoved as irrelevant?! Oh, thank you so much! See if I trust you anymore!

Oh, and also, she's so gleeful and showy when the guys are paying her attention. But when they pay attention to someone else, she criticises that person for wanting their attention. My first thought is 'Huh?'

Oh, I'm just ranting. I know she has a self-esteem problem and feels the need for attention and all that. But it just doesn't help how I feel right now.If you feel that you're important that I need to listen to you, then at least pay me the courtesy of listening to me when I need it as well.

I've always believed that I solve my problems by helping others solve theirs. When I've solved theirs, I feel so good about myself that my problems become insignificant. But some people aren't worth helping. Because they don't know how to return the favour.

Some of us are trying to be good people. If we really are all bad, how come some of us have better luck in our lives than others? Those of us who are trying to be good do have good things happen to us. Karma, remember?

I finally managed to download sTabLauncher today. I'm not even going to bother to link it here because the bandwidth is constantly exceeded. I think they've been having the problem since Lifehacker reviewed them. I had to download it from a different site. But I did manage to go to the cached site to grab a few skins. If anyone wants it, let me know. I can find a way to send you the files. Or you could Google for it and get it off one of those software download sites. That's how I did it.

Overall, I like it. It's not as fancy as RocketDock or anything but it's very customisable. It's also less taxing on the system. Right now, it sits at the top of my screen like a colourful ghost waiting to be 'brushed' into action.

I was talking to one of my colleagues and referred to my class as the stage for the Bold and the Beautiful. As soon as I said it, I realised how true it was. But on a high school scale.

I have one guy who believes he is in love with a girl but the girl swears she hates him. Apparently, he 'cheated' on her by going out with another girl. Now, this guy is a very nice bad boy. He cares for his friends, he cherishes his girlfriends, he's the shoulder everyone knows they can cry on. He will also fight for his beliefs and rushes to defend anyone who cannot defend themselves. He is just an all-around nice guy. But at the same time, he qualifies as a bad boy. He drinks, smokes, has many girlfriends at once, he races. Yet his own shoulders carry his own burdens. So he's distracted by this girl and his friends make it worst when they tell him she looks at him when he's not looking at her.

Then I have the young love couple. Both deny they're dating yet both act more lovey-dovey than Shook and I do! They are the scary ones because they tend to disappear into the fire escape stairwell. Out of sight = possible trouble.

And I have the 'rock' band members. They are the ones who must have a guitar in their hands at all possible times or else they might expire from lack of music. So I get entertained by the occasional Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, classical guitar tunes and oldies. Once in a while, Elvis shows up.

I also have the biologically a teenager but mentally an 8 year old student and I also have the biologically pre-teen but mentally young adult student.

And, of course, what classroom is complete without the slacker?

I have them all. Keeping an eye on all of them is what drains me. So do I like being nagged outside like I get at school? Do I want to talk about school when I'm out and about at night?

I love my kids but not that much :)

Since I got my car back, I've been reluctant to drive it fast because it seems to have caught some sort of clanging virus while it was at the workshop. I have this fear that, with all the clickety clack, my car might actually break apart and come to pieces on me if I drive it fast.

But tonight, I got angry on the way home from Shook's house. There are some very, very stupid assholes at night on that road from Shook's house to mine. As opposed to any other time, I tend to take the new Matang road home nowadays because it's one straight line to the roundabout and, therefore, a faster way home.

When I came out of the junction from Shook's house, I saw this small car, with fog lights (I told you they're stupid!!) accelerating because the driver saw me coming out. However, I couldn't accelerate because I was behind another modified car. So, I had small car behind me tailgating me because I was slow while I was stuck behind a two-toned orangey car that was tailgating the car in front of him because that car was going slow.

I know Two-toned was getting annoyed because he kept accelerating to prove a point but had to brake because the car in front of him was not going any faster. So, at the roundabout, Two-toned shot out to the outer lane and I followed behind him thinking he'd be fast. Meanwhile, the Smally behind me decided to try and get past me on the inner lane. So there I was going round the roundabout with Penis Envy on my left and Two-toned in front of me.

At this point, I realised neither one was actually going fast. They were just faster than the car that was holding us all back on the new Matang road. So, since both Penis Envy and Two-toned were just trying to show they could go fast without actually going fast (being modified and all that, they must be thinking they are fast!) and they couldn't seem to keep to any particular lane, I decided to pass them both. Now Penis Envy decided he was not going to let me pass and I saw that Two-toned was too slow for me.

So I did what Shook tends to do. I squeezed my car just between both of them with about an inch on either side and floored my accelerator. I was doing 150km per hour when I suddenly decided to check my speed!

By then, I had lost sight of both cars in my rear view mirror and I was also already near the junction towards the road to my house. I think they were still on the way to the bridge at that point.

But, much to my relief, my car didn't break into pieces and it actually got heavier, meaning I had more stability. And I managed to run my car at the same time.

And a thought occured to me that, instead of hiding the fact that my car is driven by a female, I'm tempted to make it look distinctively female just so that I could make some dumb men feel smaller. I mean, bullies will always pick on someone smaller than they are. So who am I to feel bad if I make them look as small as they are? Just because you modify your car or you have huge speakers and amplifiers or your car is two-toned or it sounds louder does not mean you know how to drive fast and safe.

I just realised that my template only looks really nice when it's read using a widescreen monitor. I'll adjust it as soon as I can.

Anyway, the reason for this blog post is a new Malay movie titled Qabil Khushry Qabil Igam. As soon as Shook pointed the trailer out to me, I was immediately struck by the similarity to the Hindi movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. And when we went to the website, there was even a mention there of the similarities.

However, I'm not here to diss the movie or the plot or anything since Malay and Hindi movies are long known for their tendencies to copy each other and English movies.

What I am here for is to bring attention to the website itself. Go to the English version and click on the Synopsis and read that. I tell you. It is hilarious! I suspect that whoever wrote the synopsis took the Malay version, sent it to Babel Fish and pasted the translation onto the website. Or even worst, did not use Babel Fish and decided they knew English well enough to write an English version.

To give you an idea of how bad it is, here's an excerpt:
But these boys are naughty but not as worst as swallowing a human alive. Yes, even their names are suppose to portray as good boys, they can be sitting down politely, as if they want to become a women?

It gets worst. But it is worth going to if you need a good laugh and want to give our Education Ministry a good scare.

Just when I thought the website couldn't get worst, I went to the Malay version and it's horrible! Even in Malay, the writer of the synopsis spoils it! How on earth can you get people to go to the movie if the website sucks so bad?

Here's the same excerpt in Malay:
Tapi jahat diorang idak ler sampai nak telan orang idup-idup. Yer ler, nama pun budak laki-laki, kalau nak duduk bertimpuh sopan santun, baik ler jadi pompuan kan?

I had a 'what the...?' moment. It's just so very unprofessional. Which is sad since the website looks very nice.

I thought this qualified as a strange thing to see. Have you ever seen jelly shaped quite like that and that tail?