Still Being Random

There were many things I wanted when I was young. The perfect life, the perfect wedding, the perfect boyfrined who would be my husband and my life was planned all the way until I died.

Since then, I've learnt that nothing is perfect, least of all myself. And I've stopped expecting too much. Somewhere along the way, I have felt disappointment from my family, my friends and, most of all, I've disappointed myself.

I made deals with God which I later reneged on. So whatever I got in return, I felt I deserved. When I thought rude things about my parents and bad things happened to me later, I was resigned to the fact that I deserved it. For every friend I let down, I figured it was fine that another friend later let me down.

I'm a strong believer in karma and the need for balance. For every good I do, there's another good waiting for me. For every bad I put someone through, I figured I deserved some bad in return. The amount of returns I get will let me know how much I've done.

Sometimes I look back at my life and I think maybe I didn't do as much bad as I am trying to repent for. Maybe He does love me more than I love myself. I am so hard on myself that I don't expect any good to happen to me. I spend so much time trying to do good to others almost without thought for myself. Sometimes I annoy Shook when I tell him people owe me money but I never claimed it. He couldn't get his mind around how I prefer to sacrifice my own ease of mind for others.

The way I see it is that I believe in God. I believe in the afterlife. What I cannot get now, I hope to get later. What I think and do and say now will either bite me back later or pat me on the head.

So far, without knowing it, I have followed the path I mapped out for myself. The timeline is off but the journey is pretty much the same. When I became a big-sized person, I figured no pilot would take a second look at me. Everyone knows pilots care for looks rather than brains. And I loved pilots. I loved all those movies and shows about pilots and planes. When I met Shook, he was a share analyst who wanted to get a pilot's license. I ever thought he'd actually be one or that I'd marry him.

The map of my life was finish school, get a job, get a boyfriend and get married. What happens after that I'll have to think of later. Turns out later might just be now. All I know is that I want to grow old with my husband, have grandchildren who we'll tell stories to and eventually die in my sleep on my birthday.

And seeing the way things seem to happen as I want them to without my forcing it to happen, I am still hoping for that eventually. But every year, on my birthday, I go to sleep with a prayer in my heart and a contention that if I don't wake up the next day, it will be exactly as I wish my death to be. I will die regretting nothing. And I will die with the certainty that I have wronged no one and wish only good things for everyone whether they be someone I love or hate.

Then maybe God will go easy on his sinful child.

I love road trips. I began loving them while I was in the US and my friends and I travelled everywhere by road. Og course, there were many 'rich' Malaysians who chose to fly everywhere but we drove. We saw more and got exposed to the American life at the same time.

We once drove into a town and stayed long enough to see a circular raibow in the sky and watched a little parade go through town. Considering taht it only takes a person 15 minutes to walk around the entire town, it was quaint parade.

Anyway, I flew into Bintulu on Friday evening and met Shook's friend Alam for the first time. Nice guy, very quiet. Rather withdrawn and trying so hard not to enjoy himself. Shook and I stayed at the Regency hotel. Across the road from the hotel was Demak motorcycle shop, which made me feel better about Bintulu somehow.

The next day, Saturday, Shook drove us to Miri. I figured I mgiht as well got to know the road he and another friend Sonnie got stranded on. Shook kept commenting about how Sarawak was like Texas. Instead of wheat fields, you see acres and acres of palm trees. And when you do get to a clearing, it's all dried up and flat beige-coloured area like a desert.

Anyway, I got gleeful about two things on the way. One, we have a Kampung Iran. So weird. Two, we have the oddest roundabout ever created. It's odd and pointless. I really would like to talk to the engineer who designed it and listen to his justification for wasting our money on it. What are the odds that we asked federal government for money for this and the State wastes it on a pointless roundabout in the middle of nowhere?


And we have cattle crossing, just like in Texas!!

There are certain things a person can only do when they have lots of days free with no obligations to anyone or anything.

One of those things is being able to go watch movies. Lots of movies.

Nuril and I went to watch Bee Movie on Tuesday afternoon. Then I went to watch Beowulf on Tuesday night with Rin, Ivan, Shah, Nick and Dulcy. Yesterday, Nuril and I went to watch Stardust. We had planned to watch Beowulf today but since I already went on Tuesday, we decided to take today off.

I'm going to Bintulu and Miri this weekend so Nuril and I will start our insanity again next week until Friday. We're hopping onto a plane to KL either on Friday or Saturday.

Next week, it's going to be Mr Magorium's Magic Emporium or something like that and Hitman and Enchanted. In December, it's going to be Alvin and the Chipmunks and Golden Compass.

Yes, we have our movies insanity mapped out until next month. And as soon as I'm not flying anywhere, I'm going back to school to do some work.

In all the years I've known Shook, he has never actually come out and told me he loved me. He's more of an action person. He'll show me he loves me but he'll never say it. I believe this is because he feels that talk is cheap. Actions do better.

On the other hand, I'm more likely to say it often, not to bore him (I hope!) or anything but to assure him that I do. Then again, I also act like I love him and I don't try to beat him up as if I hate him. Not that I can beat him up, but you get my point.

So, with all that's been going on, I have long declared that on the day he tells me he loves me, I'm likely to fall off wherever I'm at and hit the floor with a huge thud!

What's really funny is, on the day he did finally say it, it was in a different language and I was already on the floor! His timing, being what it is, was either so bad or it was so that I had to behave once he did say it.

We were opening wedding presents on Sunday night and both of us sat in the middle of the floor surrounded by my family and his. Then we came across a present that Nuril read as 'plateau' and I went 'huh?'. Syuk said it was French for 'plate' to which Nuril replied that she didn't take French long enough to know. Then Syuk turned to me and said he loved me. In French! Being blur as I was I actually asked what he said. He replied 'I like you." and Nuril (bless her soul!) said "I thought it means I love you!"

So, no thud because I was already sitting on the floor. We were surrounded by family so I couldn't very well drag him back into the room. I got my long-awaited and long-fought-for 'I love you' but in a foreign language. And Arieanna spent the whole night pointing at Shook and demanding to be taken by him.

Ceh! I had to marry the one guy little children like so much!

Last night, Rin, Gette, Dulcy and I got together at Rin's house to burn things.

Since I seemed to have lost the letters I got from the guy who I once hoped would be my boyfriend and he showed me how very much he didn't want that in the worst possible way, or maybe we were together but I was never really sure, I decided to burn some other letters and a horrible looking maroon shirt given to Shook by his ex.

She was one very stupid ex. I mean, really. Dumb blonde would be a compliment to her. She's dumber than the average dumb blonde. She used the guys she was with to get to other guys. So I'm happy nothing good is happening to her right now. Then again, whatever is happening to her, I don't know for sure. I've just got hearsay to go on. But then, nobody escapes karma. You really got to face facts about yourself when your life becomes crap after you've done crappy things to other people.

Anyway, the shirt she gave Shook and which I burnt last night? It was such fun to first rip it and then burn it. The smoke became red! Not to mention the shirt still looked brand new. Goes to show she never knew him at all. So she probably failed to realise, maybe until now, how much she hurt him with her inconsiderate, childish ways.

Well, I'm glad she dumped him. I may have had to work my way through the emotional crap she left him but I did it and survived. While she is still stuck in emotional, crappy hell.

Don't mind me while I laugh maniacally in glee.

Some months ago, I intended to write blog entries on my wedding preparations. I thought it'd be fun to do and it'll also be some sort of a record of pre-wedding activities for me.

Now, with school year-end chaos, exams, paper marking, report writing combined with wedding preparations, the last thing I want to do is keep a record of what I'm doing for the wedding.

I do have photos and I do keep track of what I'm doing but I'm not putting it down on paper. I'll most probably wait for my friend in the UK to get me the wedding book I asked for and I'll write things down in there.

Right now, all I want is for the weekend to come and get the whole thing over with. Unfortunately, when I say it'll finally be over, some people think I am very eager to get married, which I'm not. I'm just following the natural evolution of things. Another group of people think I'm eager to have sex, which my only reply is 'Phht! Lambat cerita!'. Another group of people think a wedding is so ultra exciting and oh-my-god-so-awesome to which I want to say 'Put a sock in it and if I had my way, we'd have been married already by last weekend and having a nice quiet dinner with 5 tables of friends and family at a nice restaurant!'

My parents may be in the limelight all the time but I have spent my entire life avoiding it. Dumping me in that limelight now is working hell on my system and if I cringe or frown on my wedding day, that's the reason why. I might even start crying out of fear. I never liked being the center of attention and being there makes me nervous. Some people throw a tantrum when they don't get their way or start sulking when people pay attention to someone else. Me, I just retreat into the shadows and watch people make fools of themselves.

Unfortunately, this coming weekend, I'll be that fool in the limelight, walking around under the guise of being the queen for the day. I am more looking forward to seeing family and friends I've not seen in a while and enjoying time alone with Shook.

I'm going to do my nails on Thursday, my hair on Friday. By Sunday evening, I'm going to chop my hair off and get back into my jeans and t-shirt.

Limelight can kiss my big, fat behind!

Apparently today is his birthday! Found this out from a friend's blog and decided to check. True enough. It's today.

So I'm going to go home later and dig up a chocolate chip cookie and dedicate it to Cookie!