The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak - Jacques Bénigne Bossuet

For the past few months, I have been feeling a little stressed for a good number of reasons. Unfortunately, those reasons all have one thing in common.

Sometime in the middle of last year, my boss actually said to me that if my boyfriend doesn't seem to want to marry me, then I should just drop him and move on. Now, don't get me wrong. This woman is actually like a mentor to me at school. She always makes sure I'm okay and when I feel sick, I go to her and she cures me or feeds me or whatever it is that should come up.

Well then , I ignored her and laughed it off. Then, everyone around me seemed to be asking me when I will be getting married. I hate the fact that a person is not considered whole until they're married. I took this in small doses for years and only these few months have these 'arrows' actually begun to hurt me. And some 'arrows' have actually made me doubt.

Then I tried to talk it over with some friends. But they never seemed to understand what I'm trying to say. I'm not the kind to say 'Hey, fucker! Listen to me! I'm going to kill myself and I want you to stop me!'. I think so far, only Art and Jerome have ever listened. Art's married now and Jerome's...I don't know. Actually, with Art married, there truly is no one left. He's the only one who has ever stopped me from killing myself. I used to be able to talk this over with Mac since he has been in the picture since oh, so long ago. But Mac is usually busy or working. And after years of not talking to Mac about this, it has grown very difficult to do so.

So, you see, I have nobody to talk to. The ones I used to have are gone. The ones I thought I could have are not willing to listen. The ones I thought I could rely on would never take my side. Sometimes, my feelings are shattered by more than just the people. Sometimes, it's just me. Just being myself by myself, not wanting to go but forcing myself to because I know if I don't, I never will.

Want to know what true loneliness is? It's when you can't go out with your friends, you can't befriend your colleagues, you can't talk to anyone because you can't trust them to be a friend and you won't let go because the love is too strong.

Now I understand why most people associate abandonment and isolation with loneliness.

So does this need to connect make me weak? I hope not. Because I believe it will end up being what I am: Caught in the middle between the need and the reality.

And if I appear bitter to some of you, or even jealous or even just plain bitchy, it's because I've tried and I've failed. And failure is not something I like experiencing.