I am not the most secure person I know. I have a rather low self-esteem and I still have to work on my ability to say 'No'. I also get plagued by feelings of insecurity on a rather regular basis. I admit that it's not as bad as I used to be but I still get the odd feeling of being stupider than stupid or lower than low. I still regularly classify myself as fat, stupid and ugly, though.

With that in mind, I seldom venture into new territory unless I know what I'm getting myself into or I'm doing it for fun and adventure.

For some time now, Gette has been throwing out ideas of a singing group. It sounded fascinating and fun so I emailed her to say that I'm willing to help. At this point, I was not set on singing because I have had no formal music lessons of any kind except for a few years on the organ, teaching myself piano and toying with the idea of teaching myself the guitar. I was very prepared, however, to assist them in their music selection and to listen to pitch and rhythm and all that jazz.

So, one night, we got together at my place and sat down to see what everyone had. Earlier, I had adviced Gette that we could start very small first and see if we want or can take it to the next level. The biggest ambition we had was to sing at friends' gatherings or at parties. We were thinking small first and figured if we're good enough, then we will think big as in professionally.

Then, Gette contacted a certain friend we all know. He came in with what I can only consider an attitude. Now, this is the same person who accused me of not having a life because I told him I spent my spare time playing computer games and blogging. Even when I explained that my spare time consisted of any time when I did not bring work home or am not involved in some meeting or organisation work. He still declared I have no life because I'm not in a thousand and one committees.

This person came in and said if we did not decide to bring this singing thing to a whole new level as in performing on stage professionally, he was not interested. In other words, he was not in it for the fun. Right at that moment, the fun walked out the door and the screwed-up feeling walked in. As far as I know, even professionals have to enjoy what they're doing. We, however it seemed, were not allowed that same luxury. Little did he consider that, we might not be able to coordinate our schedules and come together to sing very often.

Don't get me wrong! I would love it if this whole shebang became a huge sensation and we become household names. But at this point and where we are at, why plan so big when we don't even know how to answer the small questions? Why bring up such sensational possibilities when we don't even have a bloody starting point?! And why, above all that is holy, blab the idea to the whole frigging world when 1) it's not yours to blab and 2) we were not consulted on the blabbing and 3) it made us seem like the freaking-useless-blonde-bitches-who-didn't-contribute-their-best in case this whole thing falls apart? and also 4) why tell the one person who I care for the least yet he was still able to make me cry in public?

He went and told the one guy who managed to lose my respect by being the entire opposite of everything he ever told us to be!! And this guy is so cocky and all-knowing and self-righteous that he makes everyone feel small because he needs to feel big!! I don't care enough to hate him but I have never forgiven him.

So how do you think I feel when I'm interrogated duirng my Hari Raya open house when this person walks in and immediately asks me what my involvement in this whole thing is? It is not my place to answer those questions but did he understand this? No! He made me feel like an idiot! Did anyone stop to consider that we'd like to keep this to ourselves until we're more confident of ourselves? No! Did anyone even think that we girls don't need an ego boost which is why we've kept quiet about it? No!!

So, overall, yeah, I'm not pleased. In fact, I'm very upset. Enough to walk away? Hell yeah!! It's enough for me to seriously think about being a bloody frigging hypocrite until next July and then I'm quitting every gathering where I have to see those guys! I'm sick and tired of people blabbing away like women and then making me feel small. I'm sick and tired of being questioned for having some fun. And I'm sick and tired of not being able to enjoy my life without having to prove something to holier-than-thou beings that we share this planet with!

I am out of this singing thing! I don't bloody care if the group becomes the next Corrs or Boys 2 Men or 3 Tenors! I don't care if they sing for the King of Malaysia and Queen of England. I don't care if the Pope wants to listen to them. I am out!! If I'm not allowed to enjoy myself, bloody hell, I'll stick to my 'lifeless' life and become a nerd bum! Throw away my life on what I consider my priorities. And what's bloody, frigging ironic is that both the guys have preached on setting priorities straight if we want to achieve something.

Well, this is my priority so bugger off!!