Still Being Random

I have been too tired or busy to produce a single coherent sentence that does not have to do with work. Hence my inability to blog. It's not as if I have created a quota for myself or anything. It's just that I look at my blog and I WANT to blog. I just don't know what to say.

Everything is a jumble in my mind. It's as if there is a traffic jam in my brain somewhere and everything wants to come out but the coherence highway narrows into a bottleneck just before it reaches my fingers. So I know I'll be babbling like a raving lunatic if I tried to force it.

Today, I decided that I am going to attempt something before I burst from all the words dying to get out of my brain. Oh, I just read about the Sarawak Cancer Society campaign. The Go Bald one. I wish there was some way I could help. Maybe I'll just give some money. I could shave but it actually is against my religion to do so and besides, my parents will have a fit. So, for the sake of peace, I'll abstain. Ten years ago, I would have done it. I almost did while in the US. But Michigan is cold. Can you imagine being bald in Michigan in winter?!

Anyway, if anyone who wanders this way would like to contribute some money, send it to Gette. Or if you'd rather send it to me, let me know and I'll pass it along to her. Hey, I'm all for a good cause. I was in a service fraternity once so the feeling has to come from somewhere.

Well, that's my bit for today. Really! Do donate some money. I can't shave so I'll share my wealth. Don't just try to look good. It's better to BE good.

No, I'm not pregnant again. Haha! Just thought I'd clarify that.

Anyway, a few days ago, my father suddenly messaged me from China asking what I would want if I could have anything. If there is one question I don't like, that would be it. I have always hated being disappointed. So when I get a question like this, it just opens up that disappointment jar because the question has such a wide range of possibilities. When Ia sked him to clarify, he said to just name it.

So I began thinking of all that I do have. I already have a car, a laptop, a handphone, a house. I couldn't think of anything else I would want. And I knew I had to be reasonable about it.

Then I thought about Athena and I realised that I've been taking photos of her and they've turned out to be grainy. So I asked him if I could have a camera. When he replied 'OK' I panicked. I'm not used to getting what I want. I may be spoilt in terms of affections and love and attention but I always think nobody will get me what I want. So I wasn't really expectingmuch from all this.

Then yesterday, I began to wonder if my father might have bought me a Sony camera and I was hoping they get me one with a pretty colour. My parents love buying Sony products because the Sony shop they always go to gives them amazing customer service.

However, when I unwrapped the present they passed to me, my sister, who was curious as well, started to squeak and then she squealed. I almost dropped the box but she grabbed it and hugged the thing. I had to wrestle it away from her just so I could take a look at what I got. And my jaw hit the floor when I saw it.

Last night, my muse showed up and bit me in my big, fat behind.

So I withstood her pain until I had time at 2.00 p.m. today. Then within half an hour, I added 1,500 words to my story.

And my fear now is that my muse still refuses to be silenced.

So I guess I will hit the keyboard again when I can. Tonight.

I've been wanting to write about this for ages but I just never had the time to put my thoughts together.

After Christmas last year, my entire family (which of course includes Shook and Athena now) went to KL. For everyone else, it was a holiday. My sisters and I went to watch Mamma Mia!

If there is ever one musical anyone has to watch at least once in their lifetime, I believe that Mamma Mia should be it. Unless of course, you hate musicals and detest the existence of ABBA. But if you happen to like both or either one, Mamma Mia is the musical to watch.

It is phenomenal. After watching it, I was more than willing to walk back in and watch it again. And I would ahve if the tickets weren't already sold out or only the RM400 ones were left.

The absolutely best part of the musical was not just the half-naked hot bods running around stage at one point but also the finale. The cast sang three extra songs during which time everyone was allowed to jump up and dance. I was already itching to dance throughout the musical itself so when the chance presented itself, I jumped.

There were some sourpusses around us though. One guy I saw even had his earphones plugged in the entire time. Why be there if you didn't want to watch the show?! My mom said maybe he won the tickets. My reply was why sign up for the contest if you didn't want to watch the show? Or heck, give it to someone else who would appreciate it far better! And then there was this family in the row in front of us who clearly didn't enjoy themselves at all. How could you not enjoy ABBA songs? How?!

The musical left me wanting more so I came home and watch the movie version a few times. And I'm still not bored of it. In my car now? Mamma Mia songs still blasting through the speakers. Why blasting? So that I can sing right along with the cast.

So will I go watch it again? Any day, anytime.

In my defence, I will say that I'm a movie buff, having accompanied my dad to watch movies when I was really young, especially when it came to movies my mom didn't want to watch. I also played chaperone when my mom's sister went on her movie dates. I just enjoy watching movies in general. Some movies, which I neevr planned to watch, I did because they were on TV and I had nothing else to watch. Or I just needed some background noise.

Please correct me if I am wrong in my perception.

Also, please don't think I am not sympathetic. I am always saddened by the loss of lives and even more saddened by the fact that greed overcame caution.

However, I cannot understand why a massive fundraising was carried out to assist those who lost their homes in the Bukit Antarabangsa incident. I mean, even the spokesperson admitted that these were the elite living in an elite area. Why then are we, the common people, being asked to donate money to them? Am I supposed to believe that the loss of their homes means the loss of everything they have? That they don't have high-paying jobs and maybe offshore accounts or even another house somewhere?

It also rather annoys me that these fundraisers went to Parliament and managed to get thousands of ringgit from the MPs there. And yet, I still hear stories about how some MPs pretend not to be at home when their own constituents come calling for assistance. So, they only help their own kind then?

It just bugs me how those truly in need have to go begging for assistance while the elite only had to lose one home and maybe (heaven forbid!) one car or two and tens of thousands of ringgit come rolling in?

I understand that we want to help our fellow Man but why are we helping the rich while the poor suffer? And why such a massive fundraising for them yet nothing for those two children who earlier died in a similar landslide? Probably because they were not of the elite group? I really would like some help in understanding this.

I was reading about the two little girls who were killed in a landslide and my knee-jerk reaction was to penalise those loggers and quarry operators. I might even blame the person who agreed to build that house.

You see, the landslide is said to could have been caused by the heavy rain. Yet, for as long as I've studied Science and Geography, I know that vegetation holds soil together to avoid such landslides. If these vegetation had been allowed to grow in that area, the landslide would neevr have happened, would it?

According to the news article, the authorities are not ruling out logging and quarry activities. If you know that these could have indirectly caused these deaths, shouldn't it be a sign of stricter laws? I know that money makes the world go round but we're getting a bit stupid about it, aren't we? I'm pretty sure if you ask any lawyer, negligence would be an issue here. Shouldn't these companies be made responsible for such incidents? If we continue to allow this to happen, aren't we saying human lives mean very little nowadays?

I am aware that in reality there are many things we cannot avoid. However, can't we take steps to minimise the damage? It's just not right that a parent outlive their children.

I was struck by a strong urge to go shopping today. So, after taking Nuril from her holiday programme classes, we went to The Spring. And, as per normal, we ended up at MPH. I decided that I might as well use my rebates while I was there. So, I ran around looking for any books which caught my eye.

After taking some and putting back others and then taking some more and putting back what were in my hands, I ended up with four books and one A6 size notebook. The notebook was a little pink floral thing by moof. Just last week, I bought a huge pink planner for next year. And before you wonder why, I'm going pink this time because I'm seeing pink all the time. Try looking through Athena's clothes and not be affected by the pinkiness of it all.

Someone I know has this book as well (I can't remember who) and I've always been interested to read it. But the one at MPH came at a 20% discount for members so I figured I had nothing to lose. Especially if the book turns out to be as good as it sounds.

The blurb says that "Starbook tells the tale of a prince and a maiden in a mythical land where a golden age is ending. Their fragile story considers the important questions we all face, exploring creativity, wisdom, suffering and transcendence in a time when imagination still ruled the world." Those two lines alone piqued my interest so I grabbed it. Before this, I actually had a Malay fantasy book in my hand. So I sacrificed the fantasy in Malay for the one in English. Maybe I'll go back for the Malay book another day.

This one was really interesting. It explores a 'what if?' situation. In this case, it's "What happens when a group of college kids wake to discover their ordinary lives have just taken an extraordinary turn?" Then it adds "A party in a college flat. A case of dodgy home-brewed beer. A violent storm. Next day: the mother of all hangovers. What would you do if the morning after the night before brought a banging head, a raging thirst... Oh, and your very own superpowers?"

This, I bought because it's Nora Roberts. I cannot resist Nora Roberts. In fact, I had one of her JD Robb books in my hand when I saw Superpowers. So I put that back and grabbed Superpowers instead. I hope I don'r regret it. Anyway, if you ever want to read a romance book that had more suspense and action than romance, Nora Roberts is the way to go. And I still might go back for the JD Robb book later.

So, I am looking forward to reading all the books I bought. Right afetr I finish reading Bourne Betrayal by Eric Van Lustbader and The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan. Both of which I had borrowed from Sarawak Club library.

In addition to the books I bought, I also paid for Revealers by Amanda Marrone which Nuril wanted. I only had to pay about RM65, thanks to my rebate. And, since I was expecting to pay a few hundred for my shopping, I was happy to still be able to buy something else. So I walked into FOS and bought a few cotton pants to wear at home and to sleep in and also three of their ECO bags.

And there ends my shopping. Something I only do once in a while due to financial constraints. Even then, when I do go shopping, I go to inexpensive places. The only things I'm willing to spend lots of money on are books. I'm a cheapskate when it comes to anything else. Or I go to eBay where I can get bags for less than RM50 each.

First up - my reason for this post.

Now, I have always enjoyed Supernatural. In fact, I'm one of the very few people I know and see regularly who does watch Supernatural. I know why my guy friends refused to watch - the lack of any hot babes. However, I have to add that Seasons 3 and 4 are full of hot babes. At least, I think guys would call them hot babes.

I started watching Supernatural because it's about the supernatural. Then there's Jensen Ackles. I liked him in Dark Angel and in Smallville. So watching Supernatural is no chore for me. Another reasn I love the show is that neither of the main actors take themselves too seriously. Every season has blooper reels and outtakes. (Don't those mean the same thing? Anyway...) To get an idea of what Supernatural is like this season, I give you two videos from one episode. I love this episode and I did not stop laughing from beginning to end.





And the second reason for this post is that Monty Python has its own YouTube channel! Watch the video that explains it all.

Because there was nothing else to watch tonight, I actually sat through part of an episode of 90210. It never caught my interest for the simple reasons that it looks shallow and I'm too old to be watching that.

However, while watching it, it brought back way too many memories of Beverly Hills 90210. It got really weird for me when I felt excited seeing the Peach Pit where the old Beverly Hills 90210 gang always hung out and then Brenda, played by Shannon Doherty, showed up. I wasn't a huge fan of Beverly Hills 90210 but I watched almost every episode. I just never got personal about the show like some friends I knew at that time.

Having said that, I have to say I am a big fan of sequels and continuations. When I read books, I tend to follow authors whose characters are linked somehow. So when I was watching 90210, it gave me an odd sense of nostalgia. It makes things worst that the producers are hinting that the Beverly Hills 90210 gang might make cameo appearances on 90210.

I hate to admit this but if Nuril does go to buy the entire season of 90210, I might end up watching it with her.

I thought about joining NaNoWriMo. I've been contemplating it for years but the event happens during the busiest time of the year for me. And I didn't need a month long event to add to the already existing stress of my work.

However, this year, I find myself having little to occupy my time during this month. I do still go into work at times to pick up some exam papers to mark or to key in reports or just catch up on work decisions. But most of the time, I'm at home taking care of Athena. During the day, however, the maid is on hand to keep an eye on her, leaving me pretty much to my own devices. I spend most of that available time catching up on sleep though. So I have too little time to run around town but too much time to sit doing nothing.

So what I thought of doing was to join NaNoWriMo. But the more I thought about it, the more I got bored with the idea. I like the concept but I'm not too keen to joining something which I know I won't be able to commit fully to later.

So what I've decided to do is this. I will still write my story since I have most of the story all worked out already. I just don't have an ending but I'm sure that will come to me later. I will write it out throughout the month almost as if I was part of the crazy event. Then at the end of the month, I will see how much I am able to do within that time period. Then I can gauge how commited I can be to doing some serious writing.

And just to show how bored I am at home, I have been buying things on eBay. Mostly bags. I've been having this odd obsession for bags. So far, I've won 3 bids for sling bags. And each one costs me less than RM50.

I really need to start doing something useful again before I run out of money which I don't have.

When Athena was born, Shook went to National Registration Department to get her registered. However, when he got home, we both noticed that she is listed as a Malay in her birth certificate. So, figuring that we will need Shook around to prove that he is Melanau so that she could be listed as a Melanau, we waited until yesterday to get the paperwork done.

All this time, we figured it was just NRD's incompetence that got her listed as a Malay. As it turned out, the problem went much further than that. When the NRD checked Shook's IC, it was discovered that his IC has him listed as a Malay. So, until he changes his IC, we cannot change Athena's birth certificate. And to change Shook's IC, we have to ask his dad to check his race as the children's race follow their father's.

The funny thing is you could write your race as 'Alien' in the form and the NRD will still use whatever is in their database under your name. It was rather amusing yet annoying at the same time.

But the whole fiasco just proves that no matter how government departments want to seem competent, someone somewhere always manages to screw it up.

I urged Shook to write about this in the Melanau Pride group forum in Facebook because I suspect all the Melanaus now should check exactly what they are listed as under NRD or in their IC. And, if you do have Facebook, this is what he meant by being wiped out.

I actually saw one that caught my interest. It was featured in the Star newspaper last week but I never got the time to check it out.

I really would like to play this but, like all card games, I'll need someone to play with. And considering that the card gamers I know would not have either the patience or the interest for this particular genre, I'm not sure who will play with me.

I would really like to give it a try though. Maybe I'll just buy the two decks and try it out in my classroom next year. That's a thought.

I really don't mind waking up every 3 hours at night. In fact, I rather enjoy it. It's the 'us' time Athena and I have. I don't mind the changing and the feeding. I do rather mind the crying because it sometimes scares me. I don't mind having to adjust the air-con temperature a lot because she gets cranky if it's too hot or too cold.

But I do really mind when people expect me to be awake in the day as if I had nothing better to do. I do mind that I am expected to go through my ife right now as if my maternity leave is a holiday during which time I can do whatever I want or go wherever I can. I do mind that nobody tries to understand that I need the day to catch up on the sleep I lose during the night. I do mind that, even while I am sick (which I am right now), I am expected to go through the motions as if it's just another day in which I get to waste doing nothing.

And what worries me is that I nearly fell in the bathroom today because I suddenly got dizzy.

I hate being weak. And being sick is being weak. Being pathetic and whiney is being weak. When I think I'm being weak, I always try to yank myself out of it.

Like what I should be doing now. But I'm too sleepy and drugged and sick to be strong.

But I still have so much to do.

*sigh*

I am not one to air my dirty laundry all over the Internet but there are just some things that really pisses me off and I just need to get it off my chest.

But I need to begin with the bit that does not piss me off. My daughter, Puteri Athena Maimunah, was born on Friday 26 September 2008 at 7.57 p.m. She looks a whole lot like her father, which sends that saying that if you want your child to look like someone, look at their picture or them all the time while you're pregnant, right out the window! It all comes down to genetics after all.

Then, the day before Raya, we had to admit her back into the hospital for jaundice. And her bilirubin count was pretty high. High enough to be scary. And the doctor was apparently one who believed in telling the whole truth to new parents. Either that or we really looked like we could handle anything he had to throw at us. Well, he doesn't know me. Or should I say I didn't know myself very well at that point.

After leaving her at the hospital, I came home still quite calm. But then I got all teary-eyed. The teariness soon turned into a huge bucketful of tears which could not stop. But being me, I hid it from Shook and I think he initially thought I was crying over the Raya movie that was on tv. When we went back to the hospital to check on her, I was okay until I saw my gynaecologist. Then I burst into tears right there in the corridor. She kept saying the baby will be fine and that jaundice is common nowadays. And I kept crying. So she kept asking if I was okay. I suspect she thought I had post-partum depression. I told her I was fine except that I can't stop crying.

Shook and I got home and I started crying again. I had stopped in the car but as soon as I lay down on the bed, the waterfall started and I couldn't stop it. He got worried and wasn't quite sure what to do. He asked if I wanted to go to his parents house since mine were in KL but I wasn't sure even they could help me. I just couldn't stop crying. Then my mom called and I wailed again. (I found out later that my parents told him to take me out to town that night to distract me after going to the hospital that evening. That explained his sudden need for KFC)

So the next few days were not my best days ever. I sat and chatted to people who came to the house for Raya. I was there physically but my mind was elsewhere. I felt, what my sisters called, lost. I didn't think it was possible after only 4 days but I was missing my daughter like mad.

I got her back last Saturday. I was paranoid a lot the first few days. I kept seeing yellow when there was none.

And, of course, I got a lot of 'well-meaning' advice. However, most people would accept when I said yes or that I'll do whatever they recommended or that I'll look into it. Except one person.

What is really sad is that this person is an aunt. My mother has been angry with her a lot because she tends to get self-righteous and refuses to realise that she might just be wrong. I've been annoyed with her somewhat but I've been tolerant and I've tried to be fair. However, she messaged me yesterday asking me to call her back saying it was urgent. So I called. Next thing I knew, she was telling me how the name I had given my daughter will not get her into heaven when she dies. She kept on and on about how I must change the name. At first, I was calmly telling her yes and yes, I'll look into it and yes, Shook has a cousin who is a qualified Ustaz who studied in Mekah and I'll check with him. Three times I said this. Then she got annoying. She kept on and on about how the name Athena will not be called by Allah to go into Heaven and how she'll be cast aside and how I MUST change the name. And she kept saying 'I'm telling you that you MUST do this, okay? I'm telling you."

At this point, I got angry and I yelled at her! My emotions were already tenuous at best and there she was going on and on about how my daughter who was just born will not go into Heaven when she dies. I was not in the right frame to mind to listen. I yelled at her that I will check and when she went on talking, I slammed down the phone. I started crying then and I can assure you that, if she was standing in front of me, I would have picked up the closest object and bludgeoned her with it. I was angry and almost crazy. I called my mom, burst out crying again and told her I never want to talk to that aunty ever again. Then I went to my room, huddled up to Shook and cried again. At least this time, I didn't cry as long or as hard as when Athena first went into the hospital.

Apparently, my mom called the aunt up and told her off. And the aunt said we were being irrational. And then she turned it around to say my mom was growing distant from them. I mean, it sounds like a soap opera! Seriously. You start one problem and try to sound like a qualified religious teacher, which you are not (and you don't even dress like a person who seems to know what her religion is!) and then you turn around and try to make it seem like everything is our fault?!

My cousin is a qualified religious teacher. He didn't say anything about Athena's name. Shook's cousin didn't say anything about her name. This aunt who has just started taking classes in the near past (compared to my mom who has been attending talks and seminars on religion since before she went on the Hajj more than 10 years ago!) suddenly decides she knows what is best and won't even allow me the chance to check or get a second opinion. I really would have checked if she hadn't gone on and on about how my newborn daughter will end up in Hell because of her name and because Allah does not acknowledge her.

All this from the same aunt who tried to tell me my mother is a bad mother and wife, who badnames my mother in front of me and who acts as if she is my father's wife when we do meet her and her children for meals. The same aunt who is talking about my mother behind her back to their other relatives. Despite my initial inclination to hate her, I have tried giving her and her children the benefit of the doubt and all the fairness I can muster.

This is what I meant by religion being twisted by people who are ill-advised or having very little knowledge but already acting like they know everything. There is nothing wrong with the religion. What I do know is that Allah judges us based on our deeds, our thoughts and our heart. He doesn't judge us based on our names.

I hope He forgives her for her transgressions because at this point in time, I cannot. And even if I ever do forgive, I will never forget how she has hurt me. And if she ever comes back to Kuching (which is too lowly for her and she has to ask my parents to pay for her passage when she does come back) I will not acknowledge her and neither will I let Athena near her. After all, why should we sinners ever think we could go near such exalted, godly beings like her?

The way I see it, if you start a relationship based on a shallow reason, then most likely you'll go through a shallow relationship. It's worst when both parties in the relationship are too stupid. Well, if one is in it for greed and the other out of desperation...what exactly did you expect to end up with?

The funniest part is when they get all self-righteous about who is right and who is wrong. Instead of creating sympathy, it just makes a rational person want to either puke or hit either one of them.

When you think about it, there really is a sucker born every minute. I'm so glad I've been too cautious and couldn't be bothered to be suckered into a relationship race.

Some people say you have to go through a lot of frogs to find Prince Charming. Me? I say, use your head once in a while and you can skip the heartache of the frogs and still find the Prince Charming. The very best part is he sometimes hides behind the veneer of a frog because he doesn't want to end up with an airheaded, self-centred bitch either.

Haha!

I know someone who has one of the most appalling behaviours ever.

He doesn't close his mouth or cover it or even turn away when he sneezes or coughs. In fact, he seems to almost purposely turn to the nearest person when he sneezes or coughs. And when he gives anyone food of any kind, he has his finger either in the dish or on the food.

I wonder whether he is just stupid or oblivious or plain retarded except that he seems to believe he is a child genius.

Also, his parents are both doctors. Guess who I will never consult if I ever have a sickness or a heart problem. One parent is a surgeon. He is never going anywhere near my insides since he cannot teach his son basic hygiene.

What saddens me is that this kid is going out into the real world thinking he is above it all. I sigh to think of what the real world will do to him.

Sometimes in the course of teaching my students, I come across topics or thoughts that make me wonder as well.

As a teacher, I try to help my students do and be good while being realistic enough to make them aware of the world they live in. Other than topics of homosexuality, they also asked me how I knew I loved my husband enough to marry him.

This has always been something that was on my mind the months before I got married. I'm realistic enough to realise that I didn't want to marry someone just because he was there or he liked me or even just because. I needed to know I felt strongly enough for him that I was able to go through any and all situations and still be with him and not walk away like I always do.

Quite honestly, I was not even sure if he loved me. I suppose by his actions, it showed he did. But, what man today can be taken on his word alone? Or I really am more cynical than I thought I was.

Before anyone pops an eye, I am sure he knows all this about me already. I've done lots of soul-searching and confronting myself since he's been away and I've realised many things about myself and him.

As undecided as I was about love and where I stood with it, I married him because I knew I can spend the rest of my life waking up next to him every morning. In fact, I was very sure I could spend my days and nights with him. Yet a part of me still questioned my own feelings.

So, getting back to my students, I gave them an answer which blew their minds. I told them that I didn't know whether I loved my husband or even how I knew I loved my husband. I couldn't even explain what love was.

But, in actual fact, I do know. Now. I didn't know then if I loved him enough to work through all our problems but I was stubborn enough to be sure I would work through it. I just wasn't sure if the determination was born from intense love or just plain stubborness.

To be fair, I knew I love him. Just not whether I was in love with him.

Since he's been away though, many things have happened. All my insecurities and jealousies have risen to the surface. Nobody fully understands my dilemma because nobody actually has sat down with me to try and understand the conflict within myself and with him.

For one, I know I am the jealous type. I hate being so. Therefore, I hate myself when I get jealous. So combine two intense emotions like hate and jealousy and you have one very conflicting soul.

A lot of times, I need assurance. I need someone to tell me I am right to be jealous. If he were here, he would do it. But he wasn't. And the only assurance I got was from my 15-year-old sister, which, although I valued, was not enough because my sisters are known for their unconditional loyalty.

As it was, I struggled with all those emotions to a point that I was contemplating divorce and all such dire things. Hey, I always have a solution ready to any problem. I figured if we couldn't work past this bit, I was not willing to face anymore and I was going to cut my losses. At the same time, I wasn't going to go down alone so I was also very sure I was going to tell the world my story. Every newspaper was going to know what had happened to me and everyone in Malaysia and beyond was going to know why I was divorced. When I go down, I go down screaming and kicking.

Luckily, I married a person who not only is more patient than I give him credit for, but he also loves me more than I sometimes think I deserve. After much talking and reassuring, I realised I had nothing to fear. Whatever that girl was planning or thought she could gain from him, didn't work on him because 1) she screwed up by not knowing him well enough and 2) he got fed up with her childishness. So even as friends, he figured she was a lost cause and too stupid to value something as simple as friendship.

But after all that, I realised there was a whole lot more to what I felt for him. I realise now that I love him enough not to just want him in my life forever, but also to fight for and with him, if I had to. I realised that something I read once is very true.

I once read that if you love someone, you love him as a child, an equal and a mother. The child is that you want him to protect and take care of him, the equal is when you want to listen and cherish him and the mother is when you want to take care of him so that he is never hurt or disappointed. There's a whole lot more to that thought but that's about all I could remember of it. But now I realise it is true. Sometimes, I mother him, sometimes I want to be protected by him and sometimes I want him to value my opinions.

And the fact that we are this way with each other assures me more than any words ever said that we do love each other. I am in love with him. I miss him the most every weekend because that is when I have time to realise I am alone in my room. I value him more now because he is away more than he is here. And because I value him more, I also don't take him for granted as much.

I also realise that no matter how much time I spend with him when he was or is around, it doesn't make missing him any less. All my efforts to spend little time with him before he went off to Bintulu last year in the hopes I won't miss him as much was also pretty much useless since I miss him anyway.

And as much as I love my friends and family, they cannot make up for his lack of presence. And although we really don't have very much in common, we make up for it with our weird sense of dark humour and pragmatism.

We do argue and sometimes we get annoyed with each other. Sometimes I hang up the phone after barely five minutes either because I'm in a bad mood or he is. But I realise it is part of a relationship. I'd be worried if he always tries to keep the peace. I'd be pissed if I always had to be the one to keep the peace. A peaceful relationship is about as bad as one where both parties are always fighting. It means one of them is trying too hard to not be themself.

But, my point is all this is just way too complicated for my students. So what I do is I give them the bare bones of the ups and downs and then I tell them they have to work out the rest themselves. But what I do tell them is that they cannot hide all their lives. They need to live to know. And by 'live' I mean they need to dare to take risks, even if it is as stupid as saying 'hi' to the cute guy or girl sitting alone in the corner.

Afer all, you never know what you've missed until you've tried it.

Dear brain,

What is with all the Dean Winchester dreams? The night before you had me married to him and last night, he was hanging around my house trying to get ideas from me on how to solve a supernatural problem while I tried to keep him out of sight of my family.

Why? Why? I know I like Dean Winchester but I miss The Unit guys more. Why can't you give me covert ops dreams instead?

Love always,

Me