Still Being Random

Let me make one thing clear. I have never had anything anyone else wants before. Oh, they may want my life because of my parents being able to afford many things and the fact that I have a very good and easy understanding relationship with my parents. But those are not mine to give. I earned them fair and square and my parents' riches aren't exactly mine. I'm just at the right place at the right time.

But to actually have something that I worked hard to have, that's truly mine and nobody else's and it's something I will never voluntarily give away....I just find it gleeful that someone else might want it.

So, my 5-minute glee is this - he's mine, bitch. You want him, you got a helluva fight on your hands and I ain't never gonna make it easy for you. I'll drag your short fucking ass and name through the mud of society and everyone will know you for what you truly are before I am done. And if you think he is worth all the trouble, you better think about how you're treating him now if you believe he'll even leave me for the shameless, unintelligent, linguistically-challenged short likes of you! I will destroy you first. You have been warned!

And I don't make it a habit to make idle threats.

My doctor tried to give me sick leave today. While thinking of the greater good, I refused to take the sick leave. While driving back to school, I wondered if I was wise to do so. Then I figured, who cares? Nobody cares so why should I? Nobody is going to thank me for not missing school despite the fact that I just made things easier for them. Nobody cares whether I'm sick. Some people might even wish I was dead so that they can get into my husband's pants.

Honestly, my state of mind is directly connected to my state of being. When I'm sick, I get depressed. When I get depressed, I almost wish to die.

I managed for the longest time to put such thoughts at bay. But, since being pregnant, I can't seem to avoid them. They literally overwhelm me.

Couple all this with the fact that I recently found out how ungrateful some people I once called 'friends' are and my mean streak just rises to the surface. In reality, it's just two less people I need to care about but it's really no loss to me. I just detest them now because they're both ungrateful and in such denial that they're willing to blame all their heartache on their friends rather than admit they are the ones who need help. Thhey probably think they're smarter than any of us anyway. Oh well, if they died tomorrow, I won't even take 2 seconds to lament their death. After all, they're dead to me today.

Today, I'm only going to stay at work then just go home. Even the thought of going for voice lesson holds no joy for me. So I am, by my own admittance, going to stay home and wallow in my own misery. Whether it's of my own making really is my own business. But, unlike other spineless twerps, I don't blame other people. I am very aware of where blame is to be directed.

Oh, one more thing, to set the record straight, I was never desperate to get married. I never hassled Shook for a marriage or a ring. Neither did I pout and sulk when he never mentioned it. And neither did I ever give him an ultimatum deadline for a marriage proposal. That's just demented. I actually fought the idea of being married until I finally realised he wanted it too. So, any fucknut who tries to indicate otherwise, can just go to Hell!

And another thing, twat, is that if you want to pick a fight with me, have the bloody balls to face me and say so. If you don't then go hide in your girlfriend's dirty cunt because that's probably why you have a problem with your dick to begin with. Fucking coward!

End of rant.

I'm going to shut up now.

As I said earlier, I tend to dream or, at least, I tend to remember my dreams these days.

Last night's dream was a little bizarre. I was actually in a warehouse with some people I did not know. One of them was a serial killer. I remember we had to do something. We actually walked by a wall with holes at various height in it. One of the guys I was with peeked through one hole and declared he could watch the movie that was going on through the hole. Then someone else said that holes were the fifty cents seat in the house.

I only remember very little from this dream. It was like being caught in the 13 Ghosts house but with a few killers instead of ghosts. Then again, I think I was a murderer too.

Anyway, one of the killers said he will catch his prey and then become them to catch whoever is catching them. I asked him what would he do if the prey or predator was him. His reply was rather cool. He said then he hoped the other guy was good because he would just go after him and see who gets who first.

Then I woke up because my alarm went off.

I have two bedrooms in my house now. One is mine and always has been. the other is one I share with Shook when he comes home. Usually, when he goes back to Bintulu, I migrate back to my own room. But, for the past few days, I've been staying put in our room. I realised that I sleep better and I don't wake up when I need to roll around on the bed. And, looking at the bed covers every morning, it's apparent that I roll around quite a bit at night.

Anyway, for the past few nights, I've been getting quite a lot of dreams. On Tuesday night, I dreamt I was living on a military base. But the base is not the happy ones I see in The Unit. This base was on the verge of a war. So we were constantly on red alert. It seems that nobody is allowed outside the outer perimeter and a curfew is enforced every evening.

I distinctly remember, at one point, looking up at the sky and it was covered with bomber planes and fighter planes. But these planes were from the World War 2 era. But, our weaponry on the ground were very modern. And I had the impression we were not fighting humans but aliens and shapeshifters.

There was one part of the dream when I was looking up at the planes and wondering which one was Shook and if he was all right. Then the next moment, I was running around the base because I thought I saw an intruder but nobody believed me. I think it was a shapeshifter. I realised it would be difficult to prove it wasn't who it kept shifting into so I followed it. By some miracle I was able to keep pace with it even though it changed shapes a few times. And somehow I knew I had to kill it. And I also seemed to know I could only do that by burning it, at which time it would shift into all its other shapes before dying in its original form. So I had to get it to a public place to kill it.

I chased that thing all around the base. At one point a soldier guarding the weapons depot took a shot at me because the shapeshifter turned into a general and told him to do so. But I pulled rank (so wow! Don't know whether it was my rank or Shook's) and grabbed some weapons.

Just before I woke up from the dream, I remember being very close to catching up with it and killing it when the base came under attack. There were explosions and gunfire and people shouting and of course, women shrieking and screaming. I actually took time, at one point, to stop and slap a woman in the kitchen just to shut her up. Then I picked up my gun and ran on.

And I think I woke up when I took a shot at a car passing by and it exploded.

I have no clue where these dreams come from but they're fun and part of the reason I'm still sleeping in our room.

Albert Einstein once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Even if we don't regard it completely as insanity, a lot of times we still realise the futility of it. Yet, why do we do it?

Why do we choose to give people the benefit of the doubt despite knowing full well that they will make the same mistakes again?

Why do we still go help our friends and/or family members who seem to refuse to listen to our advice?

Why do we still listen to friends and/or family members who will tell us the same sob story over and over again?

Why do we still tolerate colleagues who choose to make the same silly mistakes despite us trying to help them? Why do we even keep trying to help them?

Sometimes it comes down to one thing. We humans are born with the sense that hope springs eternal. No matter how many times we are hurt, no matter how many times we regret, no matter how wary we are, there will always be that someone or some event that make us think "Maybe this time, it will be different."

Yet, the reality of it is that it is seldom different. It will be the same old shit coming to hit you in the face just when you've let your guard down.

Having said that, to be fair, sometimes, just sometimes, you are lucky enough to come across that one person or one event that is different.

At that moment, you can pick yourself up, brush off all the dust and dirt and feel good about being alive. And right then, you decide life isn't so bad. It can be full of crap but you just need to look beyond the shit and find the good out there.

If you're lucky.

Take into consideration that I get unusually depressed whenever Shook's not around, everyone notices that I'm grinning a lot more nowadays.

That's because I'm going to KL today. And because Shook's already in KL. And because when I talked to him yesterday and this morning, he sounded happier than he has ever sounded in awhile. And also because the baby lets me eat nowadays but still has a cap on the amount of food I can consume.

Is it any wonder I've lost close to 6 kilos in the past 3 months? Not that I am complaining. Shook's baby has achieved the one thing Shook has been trying to do in the past 8 years - get me to lose weight!

Haha! Baby's okay. I know it because I get a sharp pain when I talk to other men and I get tickled from the inside in the afternoons for no known reasons.

I'm okay because Shook's okay.

And my father, who I love very much, called my mom last night and said he lost his son-in-law. He quite forgot that he gets to come out much earlier from the plane because he's in First Class and in the first row. Shook was in row 14. My mom had a good laugh at them. And this morning I had to co-ordinate their breakfast despite the fact that I am all the way here and the two men I love most in the world are staying in the same hotel on the same floor just in two different wings.

And tonight, I get to see them both. Oh yay! And joy!

And, since I got my bonus from work, I'm going to buy my father a waterproof, lightweight jacket online. Hoodie or no hoodie and colour is up to him. I'll try to figure out what to buy my mom later once we're shopping in KL.

So, that's my goody news. I don't get very many nowadays so I treasure them when I do get them.

Imagine having heightened senses of smell and sound.

Imagine being surrounded by emotional and noisy teenagers whose bodies are also in the midst of changes therefore making their chemical make-up very erratic.

Imagine having problems sitting for too long and standing for too long.

Imagine having to sit in a really uncomfortable plastic chair while doing work that needs to be done.

Imagine having to hide when you're trying to take a quick nap because you are surrounded by people who think they are infinitely more virtuous and more hardworking than you.

Imagine your body metabolism increasing to cope with the new arrangements so fatigue is always at your heels.

Imagine such changes in your body making you feel very uncomfortable and miserable that all you want to do is find a sterile place where neither worry nor pain nor ache nor smell nor noise can reach you.

Above all, imagine yourself being surrounded by people who are too helpful or too self-absorbed.

Once you have done all these, then maybe, just maybe, you'll have an inkling to what I am going through every single day.

Maybe then you'll understand why I want to be with Shook all day every day because he is the only one who can help stabilise my body and my senses.

Maybe then you'll understand why I avoid doing certain things or going to certain places. It's not because I have an aversion to it or I don't miss it. It's because I find that I'd rather play it safe by not smelling certain things or hearing certain sounds than risk throwing up right into my plate or, worst yet, into someone else's plate.

Sometimes, I want to be selfish and say 'To hell with everyone who expect me to do what they want to do. To hell with everyone who want me to sacrifice my time for them. And, most of all, to hell with me spending my money on other people. I might as well spend it on me going to see Shook!'.

But, unfortunately, I was not brought up to be selfish. If I was, I would not have allowed Shook to stay at home before he left for Bintulu for his pilot license. I acknowledged that his parents and his sister will want to send time with him as well. Hell, I even sacrificed time with him so he could spend it with Yodie, who isn't even his! As near as Bintulu is, at that time, we were not sure if he could ever come home or if I could ever make arrangements to go see him. Even now, his breaks are shorter and further apart. And he allows me to be selfish so since I am an obedient wife, I will do as he asks.

But I am not cranky except in bursts of mood swings. However, I am always on the verge of tears probably because I am too used to keeping all my emotions inside. The hormonal changes are screwing up my self-control. I cried watching 27 Dresses, which isn't a tearjerker at all.

On the plus side, I'm going to see Shook this weekend and he's hopefully, fingers crossed, going to join us for the opening of Parliament. And I'm trying to get him home for Gawai but I might also drag him somewhere during that break.

Notice how most of my entries nowadays are very Shook-oriented? Just the way I like it, damnit! Luckily, I'm only doing it after we got married. I guess it's because I'm more secure about us now than ever before.

I seldom talked much about Shook before because imagine having to sit with someone who only gush about their partner or lover as if they have nothing else to talk about? I had to do that a lot in the US. I think I even knew the penis size of one of my housemates' boyfriend, which is way more information than I would ever want to know. And because she was American, I felt safe in telling her that I would have died just as happy not knowing that bit of information! Or even how they had sex. I mean, really. What are you trying to prove?

And this entry is just me venting and ranting. With a slight smile on my face. Because, despite my own emotional upheaval, Yati made my day by putting up a picture of Ewan McGregor on her blog. I love that woman.

I have discovered something odd about myself these past days.

I don't get morning sickness and I don't get cranky much. As long as I stay away from garlic (like all good vampires!), I am fine.

But for food to stay put, I have discovered that I can only eat what Shook likes to eat. I have got a miniature Shook growing inside me.

(Was it just me and my state of being or did that last remark sound really bad?)

I hope our next child will be more like me.

I think I'm ready for a change. Or maybe it's Shook's child talking. And no, contrary to anyone's belief, I am not using the child as a convenient excuse. Although you do have to admit that I am acting rather strange a lot nowadays.

I have been angry and in despair and depressed the last few weeks. But yesterday, after wallowing half the day, I got angry at myself for being stupid and sad. So I drank some Milo, took a 5-minute nap and when I woke up, I was fine.

And, incredibly, I got very chatty. I didn't feel like talking to my students or anyone though. I wanted to talk to Shook. So, despite being very sleepy still, I called him as soon as I got home. I bothered him for a good half an hour then took another nap.

It didn't do me any good because I was still sleepy when I went for my Toastmasters meeting. Then sometime during the meeting, a quote about anger was mentioned. Suddenly, a light went off in my head. I realised completely then how foolish I had been.

I believe things happen for a reason. I got angry with Shook and that girl because I was feeling inadequate and insecure. So, instead of facing myself, I took it out on them. Which is so wrong. I trust Shook so why did I keep punishing him? The fact that I realised that in the day and was reinforced in the evening strenghtened my convictions that I had done the right thing. I had no cause for worry. I also knew that even if Shook strayed (which he's had 8 years of chances of doing) it would be me he'll come back to at the end of the day. And that, above all else, is what I want.

And I figured that he has a very good female friend in KL so why shouldn't he need one in Bintulu where everyone else around him is young and juvenile? After all, I have close male friends too. So, since he's allowed me my male friends, I can afford to allow him his female friends. But, if they get too close, I will still pound the living daylights and their future generations out of them. I'm pregnant and hormonal. I have the right.

So, after all that, I'm no longer angry or depressed. I love him more than ever and I miss him enough to want to go see him any weekend from now. I trust him and hopefully, one day I can explain to him why I have such difficulty trusting people and why I keep expecting them to hurt me (which a lot of times, they never fail to fulfill my expectations).

But for now, I'm going to concentrate on myself, the baby and Shook. Not always in that order. I desperately need him because he keeps me calm and not nauseous. And we talked about the girl last night and now I feel for her. (See? I'm very amiable! This is very much the baby's fault. I'm not usually so amiable.) Anyway, the girl has problems of her own and she tells Shook and some he tells me. At least the work related ones. But if she has any problems about any kind of feelings for Shook, I don't care either anymore. She's Roman Catholic, she goes for confession and they believe in Hell! 'Nuff said!

But, on the whole, I'm better now. And I think I may have become a better person as well. At least, I hope I have.

This is a very impressive video. I had a good time trying to figure out the people involved as well as the war that was depicted.

It's interesting if you know your culinary country of origin and world history.

Enjoy this. I know I did.

Food Fight video

My reaction to people usually depends either on my first impression or after careful evaluation within a set period of time. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it?

Do you ever notice that the most amusing tales of people usually already gives you an idea of what they really are? I mean, stupid people do stupid things. Careful people do things slowly and with much thought. Selfish people can't get beyond themselves. Happy people do things that ensures the most joy to themselves. Smart people do things that fall within the realms of logic.

I am not prone to jealousy. In fact, I have learnt years ago to keep that part of me reined in tightly. So, a lot of times, people see me not caring rather than reacting in a jealous rage. But once I do get into a rage, it's hardly ever mindless and attention seeking. I plan my payback. Just as I wait and see how most people act before I decide on their character. Most of the time I can be this civilised.

Not many things make me react in a jealous fit nowadays. My only triggers are very Shook-oriented. I've been angry with Yodie for not leaving us alone. This was so bad once that I refused to buy her food and I kept telling her that she was nothing more than a cat so don't keep getting human aspirations. But now, she' s paying me back cat-style by ignoring me and refusing anything I offer since she was told I'm pregnant.

Recently, I got very jealous about Shook spending a lot of time with a female instructor at the Academy. It might be nothing but I've cried buckets twice over it. He assures me there's nothing on between them and I am trying very hard to believe him. It's not him but I've been used by too many people to completely trust anyone anymore. But I do trust him more than anyone else as well. But if he keeps being too nice to her, she's the one I'm worried about. No, not in the 'I care' kind of worried. It's in the 'I'm really in too good a mood to destroy right now but I will if you touch him' kind of worried.

He thinks of her as a sister. Well, like his sisters, she makes him do things for her when she's PMS-ing. Which I think is a stupid excuse. I get PMS too. You don't see me behaving all fragile and weak. Pah! That sort of behaviour belongs in ye olde England. Then why weren't you married at 15 and pregnant by 16 if you're so weak?! And I'd like to see how that sort of thinking works with her boss if she ever needs to fly when she's PMS-ing. My fat ass!

Women can assert their strengths in many ways. We don't have to be agressive or demanding. In fact, lots of women get their way better when they're soft and sweet than all 'I am woman! Hear me roar!' The guy who takes that always is either a Mama's boy or a weakling. Either way, you sure you want him to be the father of your children? They'll walk all over their father and most likely, eat him out of house and home and then dump him in an old folks' home when they grow up.

On the other hand, getting all weak and helpless because of a fact of life (even if it does come once a month) is just stupid. Not to mention a lot of people forget that PMS means pre and not during or post. And the fact that all men now make fun of women PMS-ing because of all the noise women make about it? Someone explain to me how this is a good thing again?

And how old are we anyway? I suffered severe menstrual cramps and PMS moodiness when I was a teenager. The cramps are on and off even now, depending on my level of stress and irregular cycles. My moodiness I just took it by the hand and stamped it out. I decided one day that I was sick and tired and bored of my mood swings and childishness and put an end to it. And it hasn't bothered me since.

But my jealousy? It still lurks somewhere in the corners of my mind. It reared its fugly head a few days ago which almost ruined Shook's holiday. It would have if we let it. But he didn't allow it and I figured he was being so considerate to drive all the way home to be with me so the least I could do was be nice. Even if I was ready to destroy.

Notice how I don't use the word 'kill'? You see, I don't kill. I destroy. There is a difference. Destroy means nobody anywhere will ever want the person again whether it be personally or professionally. Kill means it's over too soon.

I only do this for people I genuinely care for. Right now, it's my parents and Shook and then my sisters. Anyone else will still need to prove themselves to me. If they expect me to think about them first then they might want to think about me once in a while. I do have feelings, even if I seldom air it. Then again, I only air my grievances to people I know will care enough to listen. Like Gette.

As young as my sisters are, the moment I told them a girl might be making a move on Shook, they swore instant revenge. And that's only a 'might'. Now these are the kind of sisters worth being nice to. Even Shook found it flattering and amusing when I told him. And he thought only friends did things like this. Hah! Not in my house, buddy. We live together so we fight together.

And as much I suspect that these feelings come from my hormones, I know myself too well. This is just a way out for my jealousy. Maybe I've been hanging on to it too tightly. It needs an outlet.

But, honestly, won't you be jealous if you thought someone was trying to come on to your husband? Even if it may not be true. Your thoughts are enough to get you going. Luckily, I have an understanding husband. He says he's hot, other girls think he's hot. But I really don't believe other girls can deal with his temper and crankiness. Especially when he's all out angry and annoyed and frustrated and cranky. I'd like to see them try!

And besides, just to boost myself, I'm prettier and smarter. And if he can turn his back on the mother of his child right now, damn, I must have been seriously blind while we were dating! And I pride myself in being very aware, sometimes even more so than the person themselves know.

Haha! I do have a life. Really. But I noticed that a lot of the movies came out in the 80s and 90s. My parents loved going to the movies so I always went with them. The love rubbed off on me. I watched drama, comedies and romance with my mom, Grease was with my aunt on one of her first dates and the action and thrillers with my dad. Then in the 90s, I was in college. My friend and I went for a movie after every exam just to de-stress. And while in the US, even when we couldn't afford the regular circuit movies, we'd go watch the $1.99 ones. Besides, there was always the late night movies on cable. As for now, I watch what my students recommend, just to keep up with their mindset. And don't forget, I have younger sisters. When I buy movies for them, I insist on watching it first.

There are some movies I didn't put a mark against only because I watched bits and pieces of it. And I'm disappointed that Dune isn't in the list.

And ask anyone in my age group. Mars Attack was superb!

I have learnt so many things about the big event that just happened. So many things which are not privy to outsiders yet could so change the way things are in our state. But knowing as I do, I still go voting. I like how things are slowly changing and I hope for the better. And one thing I hope everyone learns from this is that being too full of yourself and being too proud does not serve any good purpose. And despite what people say, it was the natives who won the election for the state.

Anyway, for some odd reason, my father decided to get me a new laptop. He initially went to get one for my youngest sister. But we both were eyeing the same laptop so he decided to get me one. But she decided at the last moment to get an Asus laptop which she absolutely is joyful about. And I finally got my HP Pavillion TX 1000 laptop which I have been eyeing for ages! The only problem is that it's running Vista and after only 24 hours, already I am annoyed with the OS. So I'm going back to the shop, ask them a few questions and then decide once and for all if I want them to change it to XP. Chances are I will change it to XP since I need to install Adobe PageMaker and Photoshop in this laptop to do work.

Other than that, nothing much is going on. My hormones are haywire and I can go from laughing to crying within the space of typing an sms. It doesn't help that I do miss Shook like hell right now. I know he's coming home next week. But how on this green earth do I survive the next few months without him coming home?! *sigh* A problem that bears looking into. It also doesn't help that I'm not sure how well I can cope despite me fully realising that I might have the strength to cope.

One day, I'll make sense again.

For some unknown reason, I decided to update my blogroll. I took some sites out because they are hardly ever updated. I updated, renamed and "relocated" some others. I've decided to just name the sites according to their owners' names because at the rate my memory is going, I forgot half of the websites I had on the roll.

I'm supposed to do work but I get a wee bit nauseous looking down too long. So typing and writing could only be done in short intervals.

Other than that, I'm wondering why I am unable to feel very much. Two students from school got involved in a very horrible car accident. One died and the other is in a stable condition at the hospital despite rumours saying that he died. Hello people! If you're so obsessed with death, why don't you go kill yourself?! The teachers are all upset. I feel nothing. I even got cynical and thought the speech given by the Head of the Board of Directors was a little overboard and gave him a quizzical look before I remembered I was supposed to be in despair. I mean, who would mention a 9-year-old kid's legacy? He was not old enough or aware enough to leave a legacy behind. I illogically thought at one point that I should make myself cry since all the other teachers were either crying or looked like they were about to cry. Then I thought 'huh? why?'. One teacher said she was traumatised by the whole thing and that explained why she was giving everyone detention. My reaction was 'wtf? you nuts?'. Oh yeah, so traumatised that she didn't bother taking off her shoes when going into the hall where everyone was praying for the kids and their mother.

I get irrational mood swings but they last only 5 minutes at most. I get a lot of illogical thoughts running through my mind.

My sense of smell is more acute now. This is not a good thing when you're hanging around teenagers all day.

Nausea hits me when I haven't got enough sleep. But I've discovered that mandarin oranges cures that.

And I am so so so very, very happy that the holiday starts this Friday. I can sleep longer. But on the bad side, I have no money to go see Shook and I'm not going anywhere for the holidays. However, Shook might be coming home a few weeks after. Yay!!

And I want to watch The Unit season 3!!

It's that time of year again.

And again, I am reminded of why I can barely tolerate it. But my father enjoys the life so who am I to expect any less?

But when I hardly see my parents and I don't know whether they're coming and going AND I have to take responsibility of my sisters, I find it very difficult to not get angry with the area my father is in.

But he loves what he's doing and he's good at it, so I guess I can take a back seat for awhile. After all, it'll only be two weeks. After that, we can go on holiday as we wish.

Not many people can conpletely understand this or can even claim they understand. They don't have my parents and the high expectations. They don't have the commitment involved and they don't have to make the sacrifice we inevitably have to make.

If we were spoilt brats, my sisters and I could easily throw a temper tantrum and have a childish fit. But we've been in this game for too long. And as much as they don't like it, my sisters have learnt to be tolerant because I refuse to allow them any less.

After all our parents have done for us, what's two weeks to ask in return?

I've been watching a chinese series on ntv7 the past few weeks. I'm not watching it seriously but I just let it play in the background. The thing is the series is in Teochew and I'm purposely only listening so I could see just how my Teochew is going. So far, the challenge is to remember that the Teochew spoken in the show is pure Teochew and not the mixed up version we have here in Kuching. But even then, I'm gleeful to discover that I do understand quite a bit of it.

The one today has the main female character being confronted by her boyfriend's parents who don't approve of them. She spoke reasonably to his father who was the one adamantly against them. The thing that she found to be a difficult situation is that her boyfriend depends on his father for livelihood. They're both doctors and the father owns the clinic. So the girl was wiling to sacrifice the relationship for the guy's happiness.

But just before she wanted to walk out, the boyfriend came home with his mother and he got angry with his father for asking the girl to leave. The girl confronted him for fighting with his parents over her and she declared he was being treacherous to them. Then the guy gave his spiel about how his life would be worthless without her. And he said that if his parents cannot accept her then he was going to walk out.

It took me by surprise when he dragged her out despite the fact that his father threatened to take everything away the moment he does. In the next scene, the couple were in her house confessing to her teacher and father that he was now homeless, penniless and jobless.

And, of course, he gets the talk about threachery to the parents again. These people and their filial duty thing.

And I understood all this through listening! I was so gleeful with myself. My Teochew is still going strong and I'm of no shame to my ancestry. Haha!

But the story was so predictable. I figured the guy would either be a real loser and dump the girl for his parents or he'd be self-sacrificing and dump them for her. Either way is not practical, in my opinion. We humans have to survive. So, in reality, he could have either continued leeching off his parents yet still went out with her while they both conveniently forget that his money still comes from working at his father's clinic or dump both of them (parents and girl) and went some place where neither one of them can cause him any grief and confusion.

If I was annoyed enough, I would have done the latter. Who knows. There might be someone less of a problem out there. And besides, Yati and I could have moved to Bali, opened a ranch and enjoyed toyboys for the weekends. Haha! What a life! Oh, and don't forget the dozens of cats we'd keep as pets.

Oh, the other female character in the show told a guy they were lovers because they hugged. I was 'WTF?'. Is that all it takes for some girls? Dang cheap, if you ask me.

Supernatural is up to its old bag of tricks again.

In season 1, there were two guest stars who were well-known to all Buffy and Angel fans - Julie Benz and Amy Acker.

I just watched an episode in season 3 and they brought in Mercedes McNab. The funny thing is she played a vampire who didn't know she had been turned.

I find it amusing.

Now, if only David Boreanaz or Sarah Michelle Gellar would show up. Or even any of the others.

But I'm almost sure they won't. Most people take Supernatural for granted.

The granduncle I mentioned earlier passed away two days ago. He was suffering from lung cancer.

I went to the house after work. Luckily, it was after the funeral was over. It's not I didn't want to go. The part of me that was brought up properly was willing to go. I'm just not very good with seeing people in despair. It affects me. I might not feel the pain in my heart but I will start crying. I am good at mimicking, after all.

So I cry when people cry. Any other emotions don't bother me much but sadness will.

Everyone was normal by the time Nuril and I went over. We sat for a few minutes before going off.

So, the part of me that has difficulty in forgiving has discovered that she can once they are dead.

My aunt passed away two days ago. She was an aunt I was not very close to. I suppose because she was rather emotionally distant from us. Even while I was growing up and went to live with her and her sister when my parents were away, I felt more loved by her sister than by her.

My only reaction to the news of her death was 'How am I going to tell Mummy?'. I've been through too much with my mom to ever bear being the bearer of bad news. But luckily, my Aunty Mimi did the job for me. I knew I loved Aunty Mimi for a good reason.

Then on the day of the funeral, what does my idiot sister go and do? She messages me saying that the other sister (the aunt I love and loves me) passed away. My mom was so mad when I told her. My heart even fell for the split second it took my brain to kick in and say 'Being the idiot that she is, she must have gotten it wrong.'

On the other side of the family, my father's uncle is at the last leg of his life as well. He's constantly gasping for breath and doesn't look like he'll last the month. He went to the hospital the same time my aunt was admitted. I suppose the there might be something to the belief that the more bad you do in your lifetime, the more you suffer before the pain ends.

Do I sound heartless? Well, you have to be in my shoes and have gone through what that family has put me through to understand why I cannot care. I've tried. I just cannot find it in my heart to forgive them. I've kept many secrets from my parents about what they did to me. If I tell them, I am afraid of what my father might do. I'm even more scared of what he might not do. So I'd rather not know.

Anyway, that's what's been in my mind the past few days. I'm not whining about it. I'm not complaining. It's just there. And there it will stay.

Would you be in a good mood if someone you don't trust is in your house? And invited there by your sibling?

So I am not in a good mood. Want me to act all snobbish? After this, I'm going to check if anything is stolen.

Why do I not trust? Let's see.

Fucknut has no job, refuses to go find a job because he's too lazy to get off his big fucking ass. Oh, and he's scared of people bullying him at his workplace. But outside, he's a big bad gangster. My ass! His mother goes around bragging her son is dating so-and-so's daughter so when they get married, so-and-so will pay for everything. In other words, her son doesn't need to get a job. Rumour around town is that the guy has made a girl pregnant. And not only that, fuckhead was too lazy to finish school. And he gets angry when people talk English because he's too much of a dumbo to understand!

He is one hell of a son of a bitch!

I seldom call any guy that when I respect the parents but his bitch mother is as big a fuckhead as he is. I curse them! And if my sibling is stupid enough to want him, if they ever need help, don't fucking look my way because as soon as they marry, she is dead to me!

Right now everyone knows he is a deadbeat, useless motherfucker except her. So whatever she gets coming, she deserves!