Still Being Random

In my defence, I will say that I'm a movie buff, having accompanied my dad to watch movies when I was really young, especially when it came to movies my mom didn't want to watch. I also played chaperone when my mom's sister went on her movie dates. I just enjoy watching movies in general. Some movies, which I neevr planned to watch, I did because they were on TV and I had nothing else to watch. Or I just needed some background noise.

Please correct me if I am wrong in my perception.

Also, please don't think I am not sympathetic. I am always saddened by the loss of lives and even more saddened by the fact that greed overcame caution.

However, I cannot understand why a massive fundraising was carried out to assist those who lost their homes in the Bukit Antarabangsa incident. I mean, even the spokesperson admitted that these were the elite living in an elite area. Why then are we, the common people, being asked to donate money to them? Am I supposed to believe that the loss of their homes means the loss of everything they have? That they don't have high-paying jobs and maybe offshore accounts or even another house somewhere?

It also rather annoys me that these fundraisers went to Parliament and managed to get thousands of ringgit from the MPs there. And yet, I still hear stories about how some MPs pretend not to be at home when their own constituents come calling for assistance. So, they only help their own kind then?

It just bugs me how those truly in need have to go begging for assistance while the elite only had to lose one home and maybe (heaven forbid!) one car or two and tens of thousands of ringgit come rolling in?

I understand that we want to help our fellow Man but why are we helping the rich while the poor suffer? And why such a massive fundraising for them yet nothing for those two children who earlier died in a similar landslide? Probably because they were not of the elite group? I really would like some help in understanding this.

I was reading about the two little girls who were killed in a landslide and my knee-jerk reaction was to penalise those loggers and quarry operators. I might even blame the person who agreed to build that house.

You see, the landslide is said to could have been caused by the heavy rain. Yet, for as long as I've studied Science and Geography, I know that vegetation holds soil together to avoid such landslides. If these vegetation had been allowed to grow in that area, the landslide would neevr have happened, would it?

According to the news article, the authorities are not ruling out logging and quarry activities. If you know that these could have indirectly caused these deaths, shouldn't it be a sign of stricter laws? I know that money makes the world go round but we're getting a bit stupid about it, aren't we? I'm pretty sure if you ask any lawyer, negligence would be an issue here. Shouldn't these companies be made responsible for such incidents? If we continue to allow this to happen, aren't we saying human lives mean very little nowadays?

I am aware that in reality there are many things we cannot avoid. However, can't we take steps to minimise the damage? It's just not right that a parent outlive their children.

I was struck by a strong urge to go shopping today. So, after taking Nuril from her holiday programme classes, we went to The Spring. And, as per normal, we ended up at MPH. I decided that I might as well use my rebates while I was there. So, I ran around looking for any books which caught my eye.

After taking some and putting back others and then taking some more and putting back what were in my hands, I ended up with four books and one A6 size notebook. The notebook was a little pink floral thing by moof. Just last week, I bought a huge pink planner for next year. And before you wonder why, I'm going pink this time because I'm seeing pink all the time. Try looking through Athena's clothes and not be affected by the pinkiness of it all.

Someone I know has this book as well (I can't remember who) and I've always been interested to read it. But the one at MPH came at a 20% discount for members so I figured I had nothing to lose. Especially if the book turns out to be as good as it sounds.

The blurb says that "Starbook tells the tale of a prince and a maiden in a mythical land where a golden age is ending. Their fragile story considers the important questions we all face, exploring creativity, wisdom, suffering and transcendence in a time when imagination still ruled the world." Those two lines alone piqued my interest so I grabbed it. Before this, I actually had a Malay fantasy book in my hand. So I sacrificed the fantasy in Malay for the one in English. Maybe I'll go back for the Malay book another day.

This one was really interesting. It explores a 'what if?' situation. In this case, it's "What happens when a group of college kids wake to discover their ordinary lives have just taken an extraordinary turn?" Then it adds "A party in a college flat. A case of dodgy home-brewed beer. A violent storm. Next day: the mother of all hangovers. What would you do if the morning after the night before brought a banging head, a raging thirst... Oh, and your very own superpowers?"

This, I bought because it's Nora Roberts. I cannot resist Nora Roberts. In fact, I had one of her JD Robb books in my hand when I saw Superpowers. So I put that back and grabbed Superpowers instead. I hope I don'r regret it. Anyway, if you ever want to read a romance book that had more suspense and action than romance, Nora Roberts is the way to go. And I still might go back for the JD Robb book later.

So, I am looking forward to reading all the books I bought. Right afetr I finish reading Bourne Betrayal by Eric Van Lustbader and The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan. Both of which I had borrowed from Sarawak Club library.

In addition to the books I bought, I also paid for Revealers by Amanda Marrone which Nuril wanted. I only had to pay about RM65, thanks to my rebate. And, since I was expecting to pay a few hundred for my shopping, I was happy to still be able to buy something else. So I walked into FOS and bought a few cotton pants to wear at home and to sleep in and also three of their ECO bags.

And there ends my shopping. Something I only do once in a while due to financial constraints. Even then, when I do go shopping, I go to inexpensive places. The only things I'm willing to spend lots of money on are books. I'm a cheapskate when it comes to anything else. Or I go to eBay where I can get bags for less than RM50 each.

First up - my reason for this post.

Now, I have always enjoyed Supernatural. In fact, I'm one of the very few people I know and see regularly who does watch Supernatural. I know why my guy friends refused to watch - the lack of any hot babes. However, I have to add that Seasons 3 and 4 are full of hot babes. At least, I think guys would call them hot babes.

I started watching Supernatural because it's about the supernatural. Then there's Jensen Ackles. I liked him in Dark Angel and in Smallville. So watching Supernatural is no chore for me. Another reasn I love the show is that neither of the main actors take themselves too seriously. Every season has blooper reels and outtakes. (Don't those mean the same thing? Anyway...) To get an idea of what Supernatural is like this season, I give you two videos from one episode. I love this episode and I did not stop laughing from beginning to end.





And the second reason for this post is that Monty Python has its own YouTube channel! Watch the video that explains it all.

Because there was nothing else to watch tonight, I actually sat through part of an episode of 90210. It never caught my interest for the simple reasons that it looks shallow and I'm too old to be watching that.

However, while watching it, it brought back way too many memories of Beverly Hills 90210. It got really weird for me when I felt excited seeing the Peach Pit where the old Beverly Hills 90210 gang always hung out and then Brenda, played by Shannon Doherty, showed up. I wasn't a huge fan of Beverly Hills 90210 but I watched almost every episode. I just never got personal about the show like some friends I knew at that time.

Having said that, I have to say I am a big fan of sequels and continuations. When I read books, I tend to follow authors whose characters are linked somehow. So when I was watching 90210, it gave me an odd sense of nostalgia. It makes things worst that the producers are hinting that the Beverly Hills 90210 gang might make cameo appearances on 90210.

I hate to admit this but if Nuril does go to buy the entire season of 90210, I might end up watching it with her.

I thought about joining NaNoWriMo. I've been contemplating it for years but the event happens during the busiest time of the year for me. And I didn't need a month long event to add to the already existing stress of my work.

However, this year, I find myself having little to occupy my time during this month. I do still go into work at times to pick up some exam papers to mark or to key in reports or just catch up on work decisions. But most of the time, I'm at home taking care of Athena. During the day, however, the maid is on hand to keep an eye on her, leaving me pretty much to my own devices. I spend most of that available time catching up on sleep though. So I have too little time to run around town but too much time to sit doing nothing.

So what I thought of doing was to join NaNoWriMo. But the more I thought about it, the more I got bored with the idea. I like the concept but I'm not too keen to joining something which I know I won't be able to commit fully to later.

So what I've decided to do is this. I will still write my story since I have most of the story all worked out already. I just don't have an ending but I'm sure that will come to me later. I will write it out throughout the month almost as if I was part of the crazy event. Then at the end of the month, I will see how much I am able to do within that time period. Then I can gauge how commited I can be to doing some serious writing.

And just to show how bored I am at home, I have been buying things on eBay. Mostly bags. I've been having this odd obsession for bags. So far, I've won 3 bids for sling bags. And each one costs me less than RM50.

I really need to start doing something useful again before I run out of money which I don't have.

When Athena was born, Shook went to National Registration Department to get her registered. However, when he got home, we both noticed that she is listed as a Malay in her birth certificate. So, figuring that we will need Shook around to prove that he is Melanau so that she could be listed as a Melanau, we waited until yesterday to get the paperwork done.

All this time, we figured it was just NRD's incompetence that got her listed as a Malay. As it turned out, the problem went much further than that. When the NRD checked Shook's IC, it was discovered that his IC has him listed as a Malay. So, until he changes his IC, we cannot change Athena's birth certificate. And to change Shook's IC, we have to ask his dad to check his race as the children's race follow their father's.

The funny thing is you could write your race as 'Alien' in the form and the NRD will still use whatever is in their database under your name. It was rather amusing yet annoying at the same time.

But the whole fiasco just proves that no matter how government departments want to seem competent, someone somewhere always manages to screw it up.

I urged Shook to write about this in the Melanau Pride group forum in Facebook because I suspect all the Melanaus now should check exactly what they are listed as under NRD or in their IC. And, if you do have Facebook, this is what he meant by being wiped out.

I actually saw one that caught my interest. It was featured in the Star newspaper last week but I never got the time to check it out.

I really would like to play this but, like all card games, I'll need someone to play with. And considering that the card gamers I know would not have either the patience or the interest for this particular genre, I'm not sure who will play with me.

I would really like to give it a try though. Maybe I'll just buy the two decks and try it out in my classroom next year. That's a thought.

I really don't mind waking up every 3 hours at night. In fact, I rather enjoy it. It's the 'us' time Athena and I have. I don't mind the changing and the feeding. I do rather mind the crying because it sometimes scares me. I don't mind having to adjust the air-con temperature a lot because she gets cranky if it's too hot or too cold.

But I do really mind when people expect me to be awake in the day as if I had nothing better to do. I do mind that I am expected to go through my ife right now as if my maternity leave is a holiday during which time I can do whatever I want or go wherever I can. I do mind that nobody tries to understand that I need the day to catch up on the sleep I lose during the night. I do mind that, even while I am sick (which I am right now), I am expected to go through the motions as if it's just another day in which I get to waste doing nothing.

And what worries me is that I nearly fell in the bathroom today because I suddenly got dizzy.

I hate being weak. And being sick is being weak. Being pathetic and whiney is being weak. When I think I'm being weak, I always try to yank myself out of it.

Like what I should be doing now. But I'm too sleepy and drugged and sick to be strong.

But I still have so much to do.

*sigh*

I am not one to air my dirty laundry all over the Internet but there are just some things that really pisses me off and I just need to get it off my chest.

But I need to begin with the bit that does not piss me off. My daughter, Puteri Athena Maimunah, was born on Friday 26 September 2008 at 7.57 p.m. She looks a whole lot like her father, which sends that saying that if you want your child to look like someone, look at their picture or them all the time while you're pregnant, right out the window! It all comes down to genetics after all.

Then, the day before Raya, we had to admit her back into the hospital for jaundice. And her bilirubin count was pretty high. High enough to be scary. And the doctor was apparently one who believed in telling the whole truth to new parents. Either that or we really looked like we could handle anything he had to throw at us. Well, he doesn't know me. Or should I say I didn't know myself very well at that point.

After leaving her at the hospital, I came home still quite calm. But then I got all teary-eyed. The teariness soon turned into a huge bucketful of tears which could not stop. But being me, I hid it from Shook and I think he initially thought I was crying over the Raya movie that was on tv. When we went back to the hospital to check on her, I was okay until I saw my gynaecologist. Then I burst into tears right there in the corridor. She kept saying the baby will be fine and that jaundice is common nowadays. And I kept crying. So she kept asking if I was okay. I suspect she thought I had post-partum depression. I told her I was fine except that I can't stop crying.

Shook and I got home and I started crying again. I had stopped in the car but as soon as I lay down on the bed, the waterfall started and I couldn't stop it. He got worried and wasn't quite sure what to do. He asked if I wanted to go to his parents house since mine were in KL but I wasn't sure even they could help me. I just couldn't stop crying. Then my mom called and I wailed again. (I found out later that my parents told him to take me out to town that night to distract me after going to the hospital that evening. That explained his sudden need for KFC)

So the next few days were not my best days ever. I sat and chatted to people who came to the house for Raya. I was there physically but my mind was elsewhere. I felt, what my sisters called, lost. I didn't think it was possible after only 4 days but I was missing my daughter like mad.

I got her back last Saturday. I was paranoid a lot the first few days. I kept seeing yellow when there was none.

And, of course, I got a lot of 'well-meaning' advice. However, most people would accept when I said yes or that I'll do whatever they recommended or that I'll look into it. Except one person.

What is really sad is that this person is an aunt. My mother has been angry with her a lot because she tends to get self-righteous and refuses to realise that she might just be wrong. I've been annoyed with her somewhat but I've been tolerant and I've tried to be fair. However, she messaged me yesterday asking me to call her back saying it was urgent. So I called. Next thing I knew, she was telling me how the name I had given my daughter will not get her into heaven when she dies. She kept on and on about how I must change the name. At first, I was calmly telling her yes and yes, I'll look into it and yes, Shook has a cousin who is a qualified Ustaz who studied in Mekah and I'll check with him. Three times I said this. Then she got annoying. She kept on and on about how the name Athena will not be called by Allah to go into Heaven and how she'll be cast aside and how I MUST change the name. And she kept saying 'I'm telling you that you MUST do this, okay? I'm telling you."

At this point, I got angry and I yelled at her! My emotions were already tenuous at best and there she was going on and on about how my daughter who was just born will not go into Heaven when she dies. I was not in the right frame to mind to listen. I yelled at her that I will check and when she went on talking, I slammed down the phone. I started crying then and I can assure you that, if she was standing in front of me, I would have picked up the closest object and bludgeoned her with it. I was angry and almost crazy. I called my mom, burst out crying again and told her I never want to talk to that aunty ever again. Then I went to my room, huddled up to Shook and cried again. At least this time, I didn't cry as long or as hard as when Athena first went into the hospital.

Apparently, my mom called the aunt up and told her off. And the aunt said we were being irrational. And then she turned it around to say my mom was growing distant from them. I mean, it sounds like a soap opera! Seriously. You start one problem and try to sound like a qualified religious teacher, which you are not (and you don't even dress like a person who seems to know what her religion is!) and then you turn around and try to make it seem like everything is our fault?!

My cousin is a qualified religious teacher. He didn't say anything about Athena's name. Shook's cousin didn't say anything about her name. This aunt who has just started taking classes in the near past (compared to my mom who has been attending talks and seminars on religion since before she went on the Hajj more than 10 years ago!) suddenly decides she knows what is best and won't even allow me the chance to check or get a second opinion. I really would have checked if she hadn't gone on and on about how my newborn daughter will end up in Hell because of her name and because Allah does not acknowledge her.

All this from the same aunt who tried to tell me my mother is a bad mother and wife, who badnames my mother in front of me and who acts as if she is my father's wife when we do meet her and her children for meals. The same aunt who is talking about my mother behind her back to their other relatives. Despite my initial inclination to hate her, I have tried giving her and her children the benefit of the doubt and all the fairness I can muster.

This is what I meant by religion being twisted by people who are ill-advised or having very little knowledge but already acting like they know everything. There is nothing wrong with the religion. What I do know is that Allah judges us based on our deeds, our thoughts and our heart. He doesn't judge us based on our names.

I hope He forgives her for her transgressions because at this point in time, I cannot. And even if I ever do forgive, I will never forget how she has hurt me. And if she ever comes back to Kuching (which is too lowly for her and she has to ask my parents to pay for her passage when she does come back) I will not acknowledge her and neither will I let Athena near her. After all, why should we sinners ever think we could go near such exalted, godly beings like her?

The way I see it, if you start a relationship based on a shallow reason, then most likely you'll go through a shallow relationship. It's worst when both parties in the relationship are too stupid. Well, if one is in it for greed and the other out of desperation...what exactly did you expect to end up with?

The funniest part is when they get all self-righteous about who is right and who is wrong. Instead of creating sympathy, it just makes a rational person want to either puke or hit either one of them.

When you think about it, there really is a sucker born every minute. I'm so glad I've been too cautious and couldn't be bothered to be suckered into a relationship race.

Some people say you have to go through a lot of frogs to find Prince Charming. Me? I say, use your head once in a while and you can skip the heartache of the frogs and still find the Prince Charming. The very best part is he sometimes hides behind the veneer of a frog because he doesn't want to end up with an airheaded, self-centred bitch either.

Haha!

I know someone who has one of the most appalling behaviours ever.

He doesn't close his mouth or cover it or even turn away when he sneezes or coughs. In fact, he seems to almost purposely turn to the nearest person when he sneezes or coughs. And when he gives anyone food of any kind, he has his finger either in the dish or on the food.

I wonder whether he is just stupid or oblivious or plain retarded except that he seems to believe he is a child genius.

Also, his parents are both doctors. Guess who I will never consult if I ever have a sickness or a heart problem. One parent is a surgeon. He is never going anywhere near my insides since he cannot teach his son basic hygiene.

What saddens me is that this kid is going out into the real world thinking he is above it all. I sigh to think of what the real world will do to him.

Sometimes in the course of teaching my students, I come across topics or thoughts that make me wonder as well.

As a teacher, I try to help my students do and be good while being realistic enough to make them aware of the world they live in. Other than topics of homosexuality, they also asked me how I knew I loved my husband enough to marry him.

This has always been something that was on my mind the months before I got married. I'm realistic enough to realise that I didn't want to marry someone just because he was there or he liked me or even just because. I needed to know I felt strongly enough for him that I was able to go through any and all situations and still be with him and not walk away like I always do.

Quite honestly, I was not even sure if he loved me. I suppose by his actions, it showed he did. But, what man today can be taken on his word alone? Or I really am more cynical than I thought I was.

Before anyone pops an eye, I am sure he knows all this about me already. I've done lots of soul-searching and confronting myself since he's been away and I've realised many things about myself and him.

As undecided as I was about love and where I stood with it, I married him because I knew I can spend the rest of my life waking up next to him every morning. In fact, I was very sure I could spend my days and nights with him. Yet a part of me still questioned my own feelings.

So, getting back to my students, I gave them an answer which blew their minds. I told them that I didn't know whether I loved my husband or even how I knew I loved my husband. I couldn't even explain what love was.

But, in actual fact, I do know. Now. I didn't know then if I loved him enough to work through all our problems but I was stubborn enough to be sure I would work through it. I just wasn't sure if the determination was born from intense love or just plain stubborness.

To be fair, I knew I love him. Just not whether I was in love with him.

Since he's been away though, many things have happened. All my insecurities and jealousies have risen to the surface. Nobody fully understands my dilemma because nobody actually has sat down with me to try and understand the conflict within myself and with him.

For one, I know I am the jealous type. I hate being so. Therefore, I hate myself when I get jealous. So combine two intense emotions like hate and jealousy and you have one very conflicting soul.

A lot of times, I need assurance. I need someone to tell me I am right to be jealous. If he were here, he would do it. But he wasn't. And the only assurance I got was from my 15-year-old sister, which, although I valued, was not enough because my sisters are known for their unconditional loyalty.

As it was, I struggled with all those emotions to a point that I was contemplating divorce and all such dire things. Hey, I always have a solution ready to any problem. I figured if we couldn't work past this bit, I was not willing to face anymore and I was going to cut my losses. At the same time, I wasn't going to go down alone so I was also very sure I was going to tell the world my story. Every newspaper was going to know what had happened to me and everyone in Malaysia and beyond was going to know why I was divorced. When I go down, I go down screaming and kicking.

Luckily, I married a person who not only is more patient than I give him credit for, but he also loves me more than I sometimes think I deserve. After much talking and reassuring, I realised I had nothing to fear. Whatever that girl was planning or thought she could gain from him, didn't work on him because 1) she screwed up by not knowing him well enough and 2) he got fed up with her childishness. So even as friends, he figured she was a lost cause and too stupid to value something as simple as friendship.

But after all that, I realised there was a whole lot more to what I felt for him. I realise now that I love him enough not to just want him in my life forever, but also to fight for and with him, if I had to. I realised that something I read once is very true.

I once read that if you love someone, you love him as a child, an equal and a mother. The child is that you want him to protect and take care of him, the equal is when you want to listen and cherish him and the mother is when you want to take care of him so that he is never hurt or disappointed. There's a whole lot more to that thought but that's about all I could remember of it. But now I realise it is true. Sometimes, I mother him, sometimes I want to be protected by him and sometimes I want him to value my opinions.

And the fact that we are this way with each other assures me more than any words ever said that we do love each other. I am in love with him. I miss him the most every weekend because that is when I have time to realise I am alone in my room. I value him more now because he is away more than he is here. And because I value him more, I also don't take him for granted as much.

I also realise that no matter how much time I spend with him when he was or is around, it doesn't make missing him any less. All my efforts to spend little time with him before he went off to Bintulu last year in the hopes I won't miss him as much was also pretty much useless since I miss him anyway.

And as much as I love my friends and family, they cannot make up for his lack of presence. And although we really don't have very much in common, we make up for it with our weird sense of dark humour and pragmatism.

We do argue and sometimes we get annoyed with each other. Sometimes I hang up the phone after barely five minutes either because I'm in a bad mood or he is. But I realise it is part of a relationship. I'd be worried if he always tries to keep the peace. I'd be pissed if I always had to be the one to keep the peace. A peaceful relationship is about as bad as one where both parties are always fighting. It means one of them is trying too hard to not be themself.

But, my point is all this is just way too complicated for my students. So what I do is I give them the bare bones of the ups and downs and then I tell them they have to work out the rest themselves. But what I do tell them is that they cannot hide all their lives. They need to live to know. And by 'live' I mean they need to dare to take risks, even if it is as stupid as saying 'hi' to the cute guy or girl sitting alone in the corner.

Afer all, you never know what you've missed until you've tried it.

Dear brain,

What is with all the Dean Winchester dreams? The night before you had me married to him and last night, he was hanging around my house trying to get ideas from me on how to solve a supernatural problem while I tried to keep him out of sight of my family.

Why? Why? I know I like Dean Winchester but I miss The Unit guys more. Why can't you give me covert ops dreams instead?

Love always,

Me

Today was the first time I went out for more than an hour since the holidays began. But I only went out for lunch then pay bills then went to buy stuff for my room. So it wasn't all selfish.

But, going out during the day always gives me a bit of a culture shock. One reason is that when I'm at work, I'm at work for 8 hours straight. I don't know what daytime traffic is like. So during the holidays, when I do go out, the urge to run down stupid people on the road is really stronger.

Today, however, my urge to scream and maim and kill was triggered by something else. It was pure stupidity in its highest form and just plain ignorance.

So I will say this once and only once. After this, I'm printing things out to be distributed to help the ignorant. What follows can be rather candid so if you're the faint-hearted type, stop now.

This is what the Nazi regime did for years during the World War 2. They did this to everyone who wasn't like them. They believed the world should be populated by the Master race - blond, blue-eyed and fair-skinned. They killed anyone who did not fill this criteria. They killed anyone who was Jewish, homosexual, ill, handicapped, Gypsies, Slavics and prisoners of war. Basically, anyone who was not within their idea of perfection. They practised genocide. They experimented on their prisoners. They played psychological games with the prisoners. They tore families apart. They had concentration camps and extermination camps.

Despite the fact that we can be thankful to Hitler for the Autobahn, Volkswagen and a radio in every house, it doesn't hide the fact that he was a cruel leader and one of the worst war criminals the world and history has seen.

So, why then do we see our youngsters walking around town proudly wearing the Nazi flag? Why do they wish to be a part of a culture which if it really came here, we will be the first victims? We aren't fair-skinned (despite some parties trying really hard to be), we don't have blue eyes (Most Nazis can see past the contact lenses) and we're not blonde (again, despite what many are trying to do). 

Why such pride for a nation that would have absolutely no respect for us in any way shape or form? Why are some shops selling clothes that come with the Nazi symbol on them? Are we really that stupid? And I bet you that these people who wear the swastika in town will beat you up if you call them stupid. Yet, what else can  call them if not stupid?

The only excuse I can see here is ignorance. Ignorance of history, ignorance of real events, ignorance of current issues.

The thing that triggered my anger today was a Sorento driven by a man and it had the swastika sticker placed just above his third brake light. The guy is lucky I didn't have a baseball bat in my car or I would have started smashing his vehicle while calling him a Nazi bastard.

And the other thing that makes me even more sad? If you go to town, most of the bloody ignorant, stupid kids who wear the swastikas are either Malay or Bumiputeras. What does it tell you about the future of our country when the young ones are too bloody daft to find out the history behind the bloody, damn things they put on their bodies?

I curse these people. They have never come close to a Neo-Nazi or a Ku Klux Klan rally. They have never watched those documentaries about the Holocaust. They have never looked into the eyes of Jewish relatives and seen the sadness and resignation borne from witnessing such an act. I curse them with everything in me. I can only hope that they realise how stupid they are before they leave our safe little country and meet the outside big,bad, real world.

I've been doing a lot of things on my own this week. My family has gone to Singapore, partly for a holiday and mostly for an official function. The one sister left here seems more concerned with her friends and bringing unknown guys to our house. Most friends I know are either working or rather not do what I'd like to do. And besides, who wants to be seen with a pregnant friend?

So, on Tuesday, I spent most of my morning going to the hospital for a check-up then went to send some things to be mailed to my father in KL then went to school to pick up some work. After that I went back to the hospital for the second half of my check-up.

Today, I decided to go watch a movie on my own and tonight I have to go back to the hospital to get another check-up done. And I still have some school work to finish up before Monday rolls by.

I'm a bit depressed doing everything on my own but it's not affected my outward mood or anything. So I'm not sure what prompted me to scold a group of girls at the cinema today. I was obviously in line and they decided to cut the line. So I said "Excuse me but I'm pretty sure I was here first." To which one of them, quite obligingly and nicely, replied "But there is a counter here opened."

So I pointed out, rather obviously that the counter has nobody sitting there and it would be really silly to be waiting to buy a ticket in front of an empty counter, wouldn't it? So she changed tactics and said "Oh. So which is the right way?" So I pointed at the sign saying 'IN' and said 'That one says to come in that way and the other one says to go out that way." as I then pointed to the sign saying 'OUT'. The other girl with her decided to play blonde and say "Oh, I'm so lost now."

If I was being bitchy, I would have said,"Nah. You're not lost. You're just stupid."

And when I got to the counter, the ticket lady was scolding another group of kids about going the right way and getting in line. When I got to her, she said, "These kids. Go to school but don't know how to read."

I had to laugh.

Revenge makes such incredible movie fodder.

I just got home from watching Death Race. I seriously thought it would be some Mad Max-esque racing movie. I also figured it would be mindless at best.

Turns out I was wrong. It wasn't as predictable as some movies I've watched recently, although I did expect a few of the outcome and it was mad Max-esque. I thought the plot might be choppy but the writers actually managed to plug some plot holes before the end. the only thing is that it's not as gritty as Mad Max. Now he was one kickass post-Apocalypse driver.

Death Race can appeal to the female audience because you do get to see a shot of Jason Statham's naked behind albeit from a distance. Not to mention his yummy body, especially when he was doing those chin-ups. This shot was up close. Hey, it makes one more appreciative of the male physique when it's all in the right places.

Also, Jason Statham's character, like all other characters he has played, are always tough guys. They're not romance movie or romance comedy perfect but they can hold their own. You know that if you're with a guy like that, you'll be cared for and protected. And once they love, they love for good. These kind of guys are very Charlotte Bronte not Jane Austen. Jane Austen's male leads have always been too soft for me. Now Charlotte Bronte. There's a lady you can depend on to write about male angst.

Anyway, it's not only a movie for guys with all the explosions and adrenaline. Somewhere at the end, the female takes over the driving. And dang, if I could drive aggressively like her, I can hold my head up high and really yell 'Chicks Rule!'

Oh, and did I mention the bitchy prison warden? She's cold and I don't blame her.

The movie's not the greatest but it's good to watch in this day when most of us are too afraid to stand up for our own rights. We have reached a point when we'd rather bitch at the coffee shops and behind closed doors rather than facing up to certain things. Some risks have to be worth taking. If not, why bother bitching about it? If you're not willing to fight for what you think is right then walk away and quit moaning about it.

Anyway, I always did love a good revenge movie or book. Especially when it's not chick flick revenge. There are times when violence and blood and gore makes a vengeance worth doing.

So says the girl carrying a knife in her bag at all times.

For the past few months, I have had a lot of problems having dinner at the Club. Well, most of us know which Club I am talking about. But if you're not sure, feel free to come ask me.

Anyway, to make a long story short, tonight I figured out a way to eat there and still keep my food inside me. I have to specially request that the food be free of garlic and have less oil in it. So far, one hour later, my dinner is still my own. So I have triumphed in this sense.

The other thing I discovered while there was that someone in the Club found my blog entry about the fire and printed it as part of a book they've put together about the fire that burnt the place down. It took me by surprise because I was reading Kenny Sia's entries in there. I figured it's him so, of course, someone would add his entries in there. Then I turned the page and there was my entry. So, for the first time, my mom read one of my blog entries. I find this rather amusing.

Overall, today was a relatively good day, considering that I never see weekends as a good thing. I miss Shook too much on weekends. I have too much time to think and I usually end up thinking about him.

I.Want.To.Watch.Death Race!!

I don't care if it looks cheesy and uses an overused action formula.

It has cars, guns, violence and Jason Statham.

You need any other reason?

This is what happens when you try to be a smart-aleck and try to give your kids unusual names in the hopes of them standing out.

We'll see how they stand out when they get to school.

You may like the name but it's the poor kid who has to live with it!

First, I would like to say that anyone can correct me if I am wrong.

But, I am getting tired of people making such a big thing out of something we can do very little about.

For one, there was the price hike of petrol. We all know that we had it very good because our fuel was subsidised by the government. Now, just because the government, unlike some narrow-minded parties, need to think of the big picture and take away some of that subsidy, people start to say the Opposition might have a point and deserve their support.

Me? I'd rather go with the Devil I know than the Devil that might be more evil lurking outside my door with supposed good intentions.

Price hikes are a global phenomenon. I could say that any idiot can see that but I have seen some idiots blame it on the government. I suppose if you had an overinflated idea of the power the government has on the world market, then maybe you could be right.

But I just want to show this photo I found online. It is courtesy of mandj98 from his flickr site.

Now, if you can see the prices listed, remember it is in US Dollars. Compare that to what we have to pay, I saw we should be grateful. In fact, instead of bitching so much about it, we could try and do something constructive, like stay at home, spend time with the family or play with your dog or cat.

Politics is dirty and the players will do anything they can to confuse or deceive us. Let's try to be a bit smarter, people. Before you start throwing shit around like they do, let's just stop and think and evaluate both sides of the coin. And if you cannot decide for sure, then sit down, shut up and play some games or something.

All I need now is to wait until it gets to Sarawak somehow. As much as I do want to drink it, I believe in moderation nowadays. So I'm quite, quite happy to have Shook and Will finish the bottle (with maybe some help from me) and then I can skidaddle home and add that lovely mango decorated contoured bottle to my ever-growing collection.

After all, most of the Absolut bottles I do have in my room are empty and courtesy of various parties. Some of them I hardly had more than a sip of.

Most of the bottles I have I took because they were pretty. This is the only one I want because of the flavour.

I've already advertised the existence of this flavour to Rin and Gette and I think Rin is also running around asking other people to buy her a bottle.

I can wait until November to drink it. But at this point, even a sip would do.

I started the book Breaking Dawn on Sunday and finished it last night.

My verdict is still pretty much intact, as far as I am concerned. If you've read all 4 books, you'll find a repetition of plot and formula.

The only thing I did like was the baby. I've always been fascinated by the possibility of a vampire child. There was a romance author (can't remember her name but I do have her books somewhere) who first started this concept of a child conceived between a vampire and a human. And then there's Blade.

Then Breaking Dawn takes that same formula and uses it. The only thing the author changed, making it good and appealing, is the fact that the vampire child can and does communicate through touch. It's not absurd since both parents do have some sort of extra powers. I was attracted to the baby because she makes life so much easier for the parents. Despite her amazing growth rate, she prefers to 'talk' by touching and then communicating her thoughts while still in physical contact. I thought this woud be so much easier and less stressful than the usual screaming and crying and parents playing guessing games.

See? Despite what some people think, I am fully aware of the hardships of being a parent. You try to help raise two younger sisters and see if you can still be oblivious to it all.

And, like parents, I do realise that no matter what you try to do or instil in your child, it is very much up to the child to choose to learn. You could teach them all about manners and respect but if they think they know better, they will never learn. Even if you try to teach them to be fair and see both sides of the coin, if they want to be selfish and only see their point of view, what can you do? And if they choose to lie their whole lives away, it's their choice. I'm pretty sure most parents don't teach their children to lie and cheat.

So, you see, part of my point is that, there is only so much we can blame on our parents. Eventually, when our brains develop and we start thinking, isn't that what we are supopsed to do? Think?

So if a murderer gets caught and he says he is the way he is because his parents beat him as a child to discipline him, I tell you, even a psychologist might go 'Huh?'.

Anyway, before I digress further, the best thing I ever taught any of my sisters was what I taught Nuril. She started knowing how to massage from the age of 4 (when I came back from the US and needed someone to help ease my back pains). She's also the most reliable person in my house to help me bake and we've already got a plan ready for Raya cakes. She does have her blonde moments but luckily they do not outnumber her logical moments.

I did use to worry about who will help my mother when I move out of the house. But if I can get Nuril to take over the kitchen from me during Raya, I can safely say that my mom is pretty much in good hands.

I first heard of the Twilight series from Gette but I couldn't remember her take on it. Then I heard of it again from my students. Usually when it comes to my students, I'm just so happy they know what a book is for that I'm glad they're reading.

Then one of them decided to impress me with the storyline. All I could think of is 'You are trying to impress the one person who has been obsessed with vampires since she was younger than you are now and who even went to the extend of scheduling her classes at one point so that she could live like a vampire?!'

To be fair (which I always try to be), I picked up the first book and read it. Then, to be extra fair, I read the sequels.

What have I decided? It is pure and utter rubbish. First I felt like picking up the hardcover version and slamming it into the author's head. Then I felt like burning the books just so I could get rid of that spineless whim called the vampire hero. Then I wanted to just keep rotten tomatoes so I could throw it at the movie.

It would make a good young adult vampire romance if the author did not try to change the vampire mythology entirely. It is bad enough that we humans take much liberty with the myth as it is. Then some shmuck comes along and decides to change it to suit her own preference as well as try to influence poor stupid hormonal young adults into believeing her.

So maybe I'm a bit harsh. But even I draw the line at sparkling vampires. What the bloody hell?! It should be clear cut. Vampire = evil = darkness = hates light. What other defences would we have against the powers of evil if even the heavenly sunlight only makes them sparkle?! Fine, I'll forego the diamond ring my husband gave me and go hunt me down a vampire instead. Keep him in the front yard so all my neighbours can see my bling-bling vampire. Who needs precious stones anymore to impress the neighbours?

Due to my morbid curiosity and the need for endings and closure, I am now reading the fourth (and by no means the last (oh god, help us!) book in the series. Can the author be more graphic about the pain involved in being pregnant?! I already have my students half-afraid of being pregnant because they're afraid of the pain involved. I spent one hour last week telling them that if you love someone enough, you want to have their child and so the pain is worth it. And the way our bodies are built, we forget such pains very quickly. Humans heal and adapt.

But the last book has gone on about the pain of bearing a vampire child from page 145to 305 and still counting. Then the book says human childbearing is painful enough but a vampire child (which is mythologically even impossible due to the fact that vampires are dead!! So where is the sperm coming from?) causes even more pain. Apparently, the heroine is in agony even when the fetus stretches but the heroine morbidly insists on keeping the child. And what does the hero/father do? Stand around looking pale (paler than he already is being a vampire and dead?) and helpless. What happened to all the knowledge and wisdom he should have gained living an extra few hundred years? What was he doing? He claimed to be a paragon so womanising is out. He didn't do drugs, doesn't even smoke, doesn't even murder. He was waiting for the woman to come by and make him complete?! What a sap! And in one of the other books, he actually agreed not to go fight with his family to defend his family because the heroine begged him not to. Dude, where is your sense of honour? What honour is there in being pussy-whipped?

For a vampire, the hero is a spineless twerp who is pussy-whipped and has lost all sense of individuality and backbone. I think if he met Angel/Angelus, Angel would laugh at him so hard it would have bee embarrassing. Heck, this hero is an embarrassment to the male of his species.

So why am I reading the book if I hate it so much? It's the morbidness in me. I want to know how it ends. I want to know how more ridiculous it gets.

This is so that if I ever write a list of books never to read or books to recommend for comedy, I know which books to point out.

And the irony of it is that the fact that I'm ranting about it so much might make some people go out and look for the book. My recommendation is don't buy. Borrow instead. Quit giving the author money to finance more crappy stories.

Yesterday was another of those days when I really didn't want to be alone. Fortunately, Gette was there to rescue me from possible depression.

I always get down-in-the-dumps when Shook leaves home to go back to Bintulu. I try not to be but it tends to hit me at the worst possible moment. Like yesterday, after Gette very eagerly agreed to go watch X-Files and The Mummy, we went for the X-Files movie at noon. Right in the middle of the movie, which was by no means emotional or anything, I suddenly started to cry. I don't even know why. Maybe it was because I suddenly thought of Shook and wished he was there. Logically, I would not be crying but yesterday, I did.

Luckily, Gette realised why I needed to watch movies or be busy when she asked about Shook and I told her that he had just left for Bintulu. But since we had both agreed to go for X-Files at noon and then The Mummy at 7 p.m., we both felt adequately busy since we had to go for Words Worth the sequel at 4 p.m. anyway.

Words Worth is not a movie or anything but it's just a few people getting to together to read out what they have written. It could be a story or a poem. Yesterday, we had about 10 people reading so we used up the entire 2 hours we had scheduled just for the event.

It would have been a hectic day for me if I hadn't gone home after X-Files to take a nap. X-Files was good but only recommended for people who are fans of the show. If you aren't, don't bother really. The parts that fans squee at, you'd probably think 'So what?'. Also, contrary to most Hollywood movies today, X-Files had very little action. Most of the movie involved connecting the dots and wondering at how Mulder and Scully have aged. That is, right before you realise how old the movie makes you feel after you've connected the dots.

And what can I say about The Mummy? It's folloiwng the trend of all other sequels this year. You're either finally going home (like Rambo 4) or you've got a son to take on your legacy (like Indiana Jones). However, the O'Connell son seems to have developed a little issue with his parents. Which I find a little odd for a boy to have if you've been brought up the English way. The English aren't known to be touchy-feely like the Americans. So why did the writers give the son a complex about his parents?

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie for entertainment value. If you're looking for a deeper purpose this movie, forget it. It's just run and gun and yell and make bad jokes along the way. Also, don't bother trying to contemplate the historical factor. This movie is pure faction. Facts were distorted greatly to fit the fictional plot. I'll watch it again but only if for free.

After the movie, Iw ent phone and called Shook as usual. We talked for awhile then I went to sleep. Despite the reltively early night, I still feel sleepy this afternoon. No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel sleepy.

Just another thing about being pregnant, I suppose.

My school gave us a long weekend after the Sports meet on Friday. So, knowing this, I flew off to Bintulu for the weekend and came back only yesterday.

Whenever I mention Bintulu to anyone here, they grimace and ask 'What's in Bintulu?' really distastefully. To which I will reply as innocently as I can 'My husband.', which I hope conveys the message of 'You're not thinking very well, are you?'.

When I got there, Shook told me the Bintulu Regatta was on. Now, I'm not a big fan of anything like this. I aways thought, and knew, it was an excuse for people to be out and be seen. Girls go to see guys and show off and guys go to see girls and show off. This was most evident when I saw a girl dressed to the nines and even wearing black stockings. Why was I horrified? This was because the sun was shining very brightly and it was HOT! The heat pricked my skin. That's how hot it was. But then again, this being a small town, I figured what else did the people have to do anyway?

And, being Bintulu and therefore there was nothing else to do, Shook and I strolled around the esplanade where the regatta was held. We saw some interesting things but I wasn't impressed enough to buy anything.

Anyway, I went all the way there to see Shook, which meant I didn't care what I did. I could have been cooped up in the room all day and I would have been happy. But as it was, we went to watch Hellboy 2.

I thought it was more interesting than the first one. Observe how I'm not raving about it. Doesn't mean I thought it was bad. I'm just not willing to be one of those people who seem to consider every movie they watch as the best one yet and it is awesome and kicks ass!

It was a good movie. The bad guy, Prince Nuada, and kin reminded me a lot of the Silvanesti elves from the Dragonlance series. He also looks a lot like the elves on the cover of Michael Moorcock books. Anyway, I thought he was kinda hot for a bad guy but I kept mum because there was something about him that looked painfully familiar. Then when we got back to our room, Shook did a search and found that Prince Nuada is played by Luke Goss. I was almost horrified. I came from the Bros era and the thought of me finding Luke Goss hot was...scary.

Then there was the sister to Prince Nuada and she was Princess Nuala. I thought she looked like Calista Flockhart but her voice was different. Of course, it wasn't her.

I'd watch this movie again although I won't pay to watch it again. It's one of those movies that's just there for entertainment sake and it worked for entertainment sake. I did enjoy it although I had to stop myself from making comments to Shook throughout the movie. There was a quote from prince Nuada where he said "I will call upon the help of all the children of the earth! The good... the bad..." and before he finished his sentence, I said 'The ugly". Of course, he said 'The worst.' but it was just too cliche for me at that moment.

I tried to talk Shook into watching Wanted with me. He had gone last week which I was rather annoyed about. He was willing to go watch it again at my behest but I didn't push the issue and I'm not selfish enough to make him go watch it again.

So I went to watch it yesterday instead after I got back from Bintulu. Turns out it was another of those movies where you have to leave your brain at the door and just watch for fun. I loved the chase scenes and the shooting scenes. I even loved the guns and the bullets. I did wonder how much of Angelina Jolie's tattoos were her own and how many were brushed on. I do want the gun she used though. And then, just as I was wondering at the loopholes in the plot, the movies covers them all up at the end. So, overall, I'd watch it again but, again, I just won't pay to do so.

I was tempted to go watch Hancock but I discovered that the more I watched the trailer, the more annoyed I got with the movie. I can't explain it. Kind of like my reaction to Get Smart. I always thought the series was dumb and goodness knows I can't stand Steve Carell. So I figured I'd wait for both movies to either get to HBO or for my sisters to buy the DVDs.

Other than that, I had a great weekend. I wish the break was longer then I could have stayed there longer. It's not the place but the person I went to see. Bintulu is a nice small town where everyone moves at half the pace people move here in Kuching. People there still smile at you and say 'sorry' and 'thank you'. The Malays still cook Malay style food and not try to copy Chinese style of cooking. It's just nice to visit and chill out at. But I'd go mental if I had to stay there too long.

So I don't envy Shook being stuck there but I do think he does have his share of fun, like he did last night. I still shake my head at it. But I'd still rather he was at home with me.

I get a daily dose of how-to pages on my iGoogle every morning.

I went to WikiHow today.

And even they didn't have a solution to handling callousness.

So what's a girl to do, except endure the hurt? And maybe walk away for awhile.

A combination of the two can be really annoying.

On Thursday, I woke up with a very sore throat. I struggled through teaching all day then drank lots of water before going for voice lessons that night.

It's bad enough that I've become really absent-minded. When Gette told me that a song from the Broadway musical made it into the 10th anniversary cartoon, I was actually trying to remember which song it was when I sudenly lost my train of thought halfway. So I had a very blank look on my face while I stared at her. Most probably because my mind was blank anyway.

Then, she ran off to dinner with Rin, Ivan and Shah at Tomoe while I went home and decided that I definitely was going to see the doctor the next day. Not only had I been running a fever on-and-off since the morning but my nose was getting stuffed and I was afraid I would go into convulsions and hurt the baby.

Then, when Friday came along, I wanted to go see the doctor at 10 a.m. I got busy helping the A-levels students to do their fundraiser and when we were done, it was too late for me to run to the doctor's.

I finally went to see my doctor on Friday evening. And he gave me 7 types of medication plus some Vitamin E for my lungs.

I spent most of the weekend trying to sleep the sickness off. Even then, this morning, I just managed to roll out of bed and get to work. Even now, I'm still feeling so drained, my mind is fluff and I'm just annoyed by loud noises.

So if I seem a bit bitchier than usual, it is really not of my own wanting. Too many things going on at once with paperwork and problems piling up on my desk. Not to mention, I'm being badgered by Holiday Inn for a confirmation that they themselves said is not needed until July 18th. And today is only July 7th. Desperate!

Then, there's my students asking for a class trip but they want to do shopping instead of anything else. And when I told them to arrange it themselves since they are the ones who want it, they can't seem to agree on anything. Again, they expect me to solve everything! When I give my opinion, they argue and make it seem like I am trying to stop them. Jeez!

So, personally, I just want today done with so I can go home and sleep. I also want this week done with so that I can get Sports Day over with and then go see Shook in Bintulu. Then if he wants to pick a fight with me there, I'll just come back to Kuching and wallow since I won't be going anywhere anytime soon after that.

Trust me, this is no mood swing. It's stress. Last night I dreamt a guy was keeping me under lock and key. I wasn't allowed to see or talk to anyone without him being there. Then I woke up and thought I'd lost the baby but that turned out to be a dream within another dream.

I'm sure there is some psychological explanation for it all but I'm too tired to think it out. I just want to go home and take a break. And, if I seem like I want to push everyone away, then maybe I do, if only just to get some non-judgemental peace and quiet without too much being expected of me.

Want to know exactly what is that insanity of my own making? It's feet.

No, I don't have a feet fetish. I have no idea what to appropriately call it.

It is this. Whenever I see people wearing slippers or thongs or sandals or whatever that shows their toes, or whenever I go to people's houses and we all take off our shoes, I tend to look at people's feet.

And what makes it worst is that, no matter how good looking the person is, if their feet are ugly, my opinion of their looks immediately drops. So when I meet someone who is too full of themselves but they have ugly feet, I am so very, very tempted to say "I don't care, dude. You have fugly feet."

And the hell bit? It makes me look at my own feet critically. Which is why I tend to cover them, not show them off.

And the ugliest feet I've ever seen. Orang putih feet :-P

Which is how I knew I would never marry one of them. I'm not willing to have those in my bed permanently. Haha!

Have you ever wondered why some people are able to take a comment and turn it into an argument? And then they get pissed off when you point out that you were merely stating a fact and not starting said argument. I've done the former but I've always managed to avoid the latter. Probably because with some people, especially those I regard as friends, I just prefer not to start an argument. It wastes my energy and breath and I'd just as soon not bother.

On the other hand, when you take the passive route and politely ask,"Really?", they gloat. Can't win in this world we live in.

Anyway, here are some pictures my sister took at Beauty and the Beast. I had to adjust some of it because it was very shaky.

Human Again scene

We liked this photo because Lumiere's flame was finally caught

I adjusted the size of the photos because I didn't want it to interfere with my blog's width. But you get the idea.

I went to KL last weekend just to watch Beauty and the Beast:the Broadway musical.

As far as musical goes, this one was good. I've watched more serious ones like Cats, Grease, Phantom of the Opera, Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and even M. Butterfly. So, to compare them to Beauty and the Beast would be unfair.

Beauty and the Beast is geared for children although the children need to be very well-disciplined to watch even a musical based on a cartoon. The musical tried to be entertaining to the adults as well as the children but some adults and children just aren't ready to appreciate this sort of entertainment just yet.

The one thing anybody in theatre knows is that a performance is always susceptible to technical faults and breakdown. In fact, any thinking being would understand this and be tolerant.

However, for that performance I went to, some people (and I'm sorry to say they were in the cheaper seats than I was) began making a big issue out of the delay. Granted, it was an hour late but technical delays cannot be solved within a few seconds. It did not warrant yelling and shouting from the balcony for refunds. One guy even started yelling for the Beast. He probably thought he was being very clever but it only made him look very homosexual and silly. Most of the yells sounded like they came from young adults, most likely college students who could only afford the RM100-RM200 seats.

I'm not being snobbish or anything but what they did was really uncalled for. And I figured if they felt that strongly about the delay, they could have walked out, although walking out would have meant forfeiting the money they paid. Then again, if you feel that strongly about something, what's a little money in comparison?

These people were very rowdy and uncouth. Not only did they dress very casually, they didn't even have the manners or the tolerance for which we Malaysians are supposedly famous for. I was ashamed of them, really. And if they claimed to be educated, where or when was this education shown in their manner? In additon to their behaviour, they also took numerous photos using flash during most of the performance and they started whistling and cheering. Very uncalled for.

Overall, I found the musical pretty good. I wasn't hoping for very much anyway and it delivered even that.

My sister did manage to take some photos but only after she switched off the flash and the viewer lights. I'll see if I could post them up later today or tomorrow.

It was generally worth it despite the crowd and shallowness of it. (What do you expect from a Disney production? No epiphanies there) I was pleasantly surprised by the children. Either they actually sat down and shut up or the songs and my focus managed to drown them out.

However, I do need to mention what I called the dancing werewolves. I know they were supposed to be the wolves that attacked Belle's father and later Belle and the Beast. But it was funny watching them dancing on two legs covered in faux wolf fur. So I called them the dancing werewolves.

And it was good to watch real theatre after so long where people actually realise it's a stage production and adjust appropriately.

Would you like to know what frustrates the hell out of me? Well, I'll tell you.

Ever since I got pregnant, I've been getting lots and lots of advice. Lots! Numerous! Some sound so ridiculous that I have a hard time not laughing out loud at them. Others are reasonable enough that I can accept, but not necessarily adopt.

But the ones that get on my fricking nerves are the ones that tell me I should not be going out with friends, that I shouldn't still be active in my social activities, that I shouldn't be watching movies or going out at night. Even worst, that I shouldn't be playing video or pc games now because I'm going to be a mother.

Then what in bloody blazes am I supposed to do?! It's bad enough I cannot move as fast as I usually do. (Then again, I still move a hell of a lot faster than some people in town!!) The baby is starting to kick up a storm when he/she is awake so I get more aches and pains. But it doesn't mean staying at home makes it all the much easier to bear! And since when is motherhood so boring?! Some people sound like it should be.

Oh! Oh! I almost forgot the all-time clincher! I should be eating more now that I'm supposed to be eating for two! How on god's green earth am I supposed to eat more than I can when the baby won't accept gluttony?! Granted, I do have to think about the baby when I eat but I'm eating so healthy due to baby's preferences that I'm not worried. In fact, baby's gaining weight normally while I'm losing weight incredibly! So what if other people want to use being pregnant as an excuse to never stop eating? Doesn't mean I have to as well.

So explain to me why I MUST chug down at least 3 glasses of milk a day when I always end up throwing up half the one glass of milk I do drink? I can get my calcium and proteins from other sources, like cheese and fish. Both of which baby can accept!

People like this, as much as I appreciate their 'helpful' advice, just don't seem to understand that every pregnancy is different! The best advice I got is from Shook's friend who said to listen to my body and the baby. And bloody hell, I am going to keep doing that!!

I never realise how stupid some people get. Then there are the people who defensively say that every parent is different but then turn around and make general remarks about pregnancies. Oh geez! Please! For once in your little life, use the brain god gave you! If every parent is different, don't you think it is logical that every pregnancy would be different too?

Aaargh! Rant over. This has been simmering in me for awhile now. I don't stay annoyed very long because baby is so injecting me with happy-happy-joy-joy feelings. But once I explode, it is short and sweet and...explosive.

I believe I've become a fan of Idina Menzel.

I first recognised her voice in her single Brave. Then I realised she was in Rent, playing Maureen, and tonight I recognised her voice in Wicked, playing Elphaba. She acted in the movie version of Rent, reprising her role of Maureen. She also played Nancy in the movie Enchanted but she didn't sing.

I just really find her voice very recognisable and I enjoy how she sing,

My youngest sister was commenting today about how I write more lovey-dovey things about Shook now compared to before.

So my answer was simple. He never showed me what romance he was capable of before. When I asked him this a few days ago, he replied to the effect that there wasn't much point in making an effort in a relationship that might not come to much.

When I thought about it, I saw the wisdom in his words. I see many couples nowadays getting all gooey-eyed at each other, helping each other out, being so considerate and sometimes to a point of showing public displays of affection. (Sometimes the pda is too much but we won't go there!)

Then, later, these same couples get really distant and complacent with each other once they are married. If they work it out, they'll try to reclaim that gooey-ness they had earlier. If not, they stray and look elsewhere to recapture those feelings to being loved. Sometimes, the problems start before they even marry.

In my case, because of Shook's mentality and, to a certain degree, because of my own very strong sense of self-preservation, we never showed much affection in public. Sometimes, I openly chase him away to go out with the boys just so I can go do my own thing. Other times, I spend time with him, but we're not plastered to each other. A lot of times, we don't even mind not sitting next to each other.

Honestly, I'm almost the personification of once-bitten-twice-shy. I've had one bad attempt at a relationship and so I wasn't keen on jumping into another. Some people may say I lack the resilience. I just say I'm not a big fan of pain. Besides, I've heard too many people who have been through bad relationsips start to bad-mouth the person they broke up with or who broke up with them. I wasn't about to be one of those people. I got more careful to a point that I wasn't even looking anymore.

And, now that I can be honest, I think my standards were too high. I wanted someone I can talk to, who would not order me around or won't be intimidated by me and I needed someone with spine yet was aware enough to listen to my opinions. I had more criterias but they're too many to go into.

This being Malaysia, I knew I had a low chance of finding that.

Anyway, before I digress further, I talk a whole lot more about Shook because we feel secure with each other now. He feels especially more secure and enough to trust me with his true self. And his true self makes me grateful he's only showing it now because I could have easily fallen victim to taking him for granted if he had shown it earlier. Also, I might have felt it was too much to live up to if we were just still dating.

To be honest, while we were dating, I expected to break up with him almost every month. Which is why I was always so careful to be emotionally distant. Every month, I'd mark the end of the month with a smile to remind myself that we were still together. And every month, I'd work at making sure I got another smile at the end of the month. Rather sad, wasn't it?

When it comes to emotions and relationships, I'm very skittish. I just sound tough but I knew I could never take another bad one.

Despite it all, I was understanding as a single person. I knew when people needed to spend time with their other ones. I used to be young and very inconsiderate but I've learnt my lesson since.

I had a very good back-up plan while single. But it must have been a sign when Shook came along and I got instantly attracted and then Bali exploded that there was no way that plan would ever come to be.

I still laugh at the girl who was so sure Shook wanted her that she immediately told him she liked only Chinese men and never Malays. Never time, stupid, find out first before you open your mouth! But I'm not complaining.

Like Shook once told me, "Ever wondered where the good ones are? Well, now you know where one went."

And speaking of good ones, Borneo Post interviewed my father and Shook for Father's Day. I think it's coming out this Sunday. Go read the articles. Shook's answers definitely made me realise he is one to keep for good. And I'm so very glad I got the chance to find out.

Now, if only I can figure out to how to send one copy to KL.