I am hooked on a new TV show. It's called The Unit.

Simply put, it's about an elite top secret military based on a book Inside Delta Force written by Eric L. Haney. That's the same guy who was the technical advisor for the movie Spartan. So if you liked that movie, I probably don't have to say much more to get you going.

However, The Unit is a very good show. It has action and all the tension every average guy enjoys. And if you're not the average guy, there are some hot men in the show too. I had to mention that because every girl I recommended the show to has asked about that. Me, I watched it and got hooked because I love the plot.

It's about the men who go out and risk their lives for their country yet get no acknowledgement for it. It's particularly sickening when they do all that and they go home to other men or women making fun of them being 'military clerks'. What they do is so top-secret that that is the cover they are all given.

The show also goes into the lives of these men's wives. Namely, the secrets they have to resist asking about and the secrets they themselves keep. I just love how they keep their husbands' secret even at the expense of their own well-being. They sacrifice unquestioningly. And they allow their husbands to keep their pride, even without being asked. It's just common sense. When you love someone enough, you show it by helping them keep their pride. What have you got to prove in shredding a guy's pride in public? Oh, these women show their own strengths in many other ways.

Deep down, I want to be like these wives. I have always believed that what happens between a husband and wife should be kept between them only. And what happens between a guy and his job or his personal life should be kept with him. One quote from the show - "There's my married life and my personal life." I thought it was hilarious.

There are some scenes where the newbie (played by Scott Foley) and his wife (played by Audrey Marie Anderson) are still getting used to the Unit way of life. And his wife (Kim) keeps asking what it is he does and where his missions are. It was so frustrating. Kinda potrays how some women just don't know when to stop asking or shut up! Until, of course, she was told how what she knows could get her husband killed so she was better off not knowing.

The commanding officer is Colonel Tom Ryan (played by Robert Patrick) and the team leader is Jonas Blane (played by Dennis Haysbert). Jonas's wife is Molly Blane (played by Regina Taylor). I want to be Molly. Especially Season 1 Molly. She's so in control and is able to get things moving with hardly any effort. I'm halfway to being like her but I sometimes gets flustered by stupid things or people I encounter along the way.

The show is now in its third season. Shook and I have watched the first two. I got Nuril hooked onto it too. I told her the basic storyline and she was curious enough to try it. Then she declared Scott Foley as hawt and that was that. So if a 14 year-old likes it, I wonder why adults cannot. Then again, some adults I know don't like these kind of shows. Probably too heavy for their mental capabilities.

While watching this show, I understood a lot of the things my father has been teaching me all these years. One is his obsession with family meals and all that. I guess if you've fought in a war, you tend to treasure family and the time you spent with them. The other is when he says a man's handphone is his personal property. Sometimes there are things there which his wife need not know of. In this day and age, a man's privacy is pretty limited. So what does he have left if not his handphone? I guess that's why I always ask Shook if I can answer his phone for him or even read any incoming messages. What I don't know, I cannot tell about. Another thing I realised is that a hysterical and/or self-centred female can get very annoying and sickening. There is one character in the show. She's only happy when her guy got lots of money for her to spend. The moment he got a problem, she bailed out on him. Bitch!

The show is really worth it. I'm now trying to decide whether I want to start downloading Season 3 or wait for the DVD to come out. With this writers' strike in Hollywood, who knows what will happen next. But I heartily recommend the first two seasons especially if you're into military no-nonsense drama.

I have a great plot for a story. It came to me the way many strong plots come to me. Through my emotions. It's the same as when I can only write my best poems when I'm depressed or very angry.

So a plot came to me. When I write it out in a story (and I will regardless of how long it'll take), it will project all the anger and frustration and hatred into one relatively short story. It will be brutal and definitely not for children.

My best stories never have a feel-good feeling. Unless that feeling is revenge.

I don''t write romance or paranormal stories. My target audience is never children or idealists. I aim for the all-too-human in all of us, our anger, our hatred, our frustrations and our coldness. I can write about organised crime because when I am angry. I can carry out whatever I set out to do with a coldheartedness that will chill the polar bears. (And I love polar bears. Especially armoured ones)

The reason I can go without showing emotions is because I channel it into the stories. I don't yell and scream and get hysterical because I plot and curse. And I really mean curse in every sense of that word. For everyone who has wronged me, I have cursed that they get everything they deserve back in kind. Eventually, somehow, somewhere, some time, they will get it.

As for my story. It's just one of my curses written in prose.

Not for the faint-hearted. There will be blood spilt and lives shattered.

Just the way I love my revenge.

I've been in KL for 4 days and I'm just soaking in the sun. It's not so hot that I'm miserable but it's hot enough that I can enjoy it. However, in a few more days, I get to go home to a wet Kuching.

Oh, while we were here, my sister at home called to let us know that our cat, Mac, died on Monday. He had been missing for awhile and she found him under my car. Poor Mac. He had kidney problems and he had been losing a lot of weight. I was worried about him but I prefer it this way anyway. He was in pain and miserable. I'm not happy he's dead but I'm glad he's no longer suffering.

Right now, Nuril and I are watching The Birdcage on Vision Four. I loved the movie the first time I watched it and I'm enjoying it still. I enjoy how they make fun of people who can't seem to accept homosexuality.

Oh, a random thought again. I just enjoy KL. I would love to have the time to just sit somewhere and watch people go by. I tell you. KL is rich with story fodder. The people you can write about and the things they do. The people you could watch and try to come up with what they would do when they get home or what they do normally.

One thing Nuril and I noticed the past few days is how young couples here walk around. Some are very obvious - the guy would have his arm around the girl's neck, almost strangling her or the girl would grip the guy's hand as if she was afraid he would run away. Then again, this is KL. Girls are known for being like piranhas - young girls going after rich men who might or might not be twice their age, just as long as they are rich and can buy them lots of expensive stuff.

Today, at KLCC, we saw a guy literally hugging his girlfriend from behind and they walked around that way. Imagine walking around as if you're stuck at the hips! The stories I could write about them.

And another thing that occurred to me while I was on the monorail. Snatch thieves should not be jailed or fined. I think they should be tortured. My idea of torture is that their spines should be broken so that not only can they not walk anymore after that, they also cannot procreate and pass on their bad genes.

Aren't I evil? I am evil to those who deserve it. And I like myself this way.

There were many things I wanted when I was young. The perfect life, the perfect wedding, the perfect boyfrined who would be my husband and my life was planned all the way until I died.

Since then, I've learnt that nothing is perfect, least of all myself. And I've stopped expecting too much. Somewhere along the way, I have felt disappointment from my family, my friends and, most of all, I've disappointed myself.

I made deals with God which I later reneged on. So whatever I got in return, I felt I deserved. When I thought rude things about my parents and bad things happened to me later, I was resigned to the fact that I deserved it. For every friend I let down, I figured it was fine that another friend later let me down.

I'm a strong believer in karma and the need for balance. For every good I do, there's another good waiting for me. For every bad I put someone through, I figured I deserved some bad in return. The amount of returns I get will let me know how much I've done.

Sometimes I look back at my life and I think maybe I didn't do as much bad as I am trying to repent for. Maybe He does love me more than I love myself. I am so hard on myself that I don't expect any good to happen to me. I spend so much time trying to do good to others almost without thought for myself. Sometimes I annoy Shook when I tell him people owe me money but I never claimed it. He couldn't get his mind around how I prefer to sacrifice my own ease of mind for others.

The way I see it is that I believe in God. I believe in the afterlife. What I cannot get now, I hope to get later. What I think and do and say now will either bite me back later or pat me on the head.

So far, without knowing it, I have followed the path I mapped out for myself. The timeline is off but the journey is pretty much the same. When I became a big-sized person, I figured no pilot would take a second look at me. Everyone knows pilots care for looks rather than brains. And I loved pilots. I loved all those movies and shows about pilots and planes. When I met Shook, he was a share analyst who wanted to get a pilot's license. I ever thought he'd actually be one or that I'd marry him.

The map of my life was finish school, get a job, get a boyfriend and get married. What happens after that I'll have to think of later. Turns out later might just be now. All I know is that I want to grow old with my husband, have grandchildren who we'll tell stories to and eventually die in my sleep on my birthday.

And seeing the way things seem to happen as I want them to without my forcing it to happen, I am still hoping for that eventually. But every year, on my birthday, I go to sleep with a prayer in my heart and a contention that if I don't wake up the next day, it will be exactly as I wish my death to be. I will die regretting nothing. And I will die with the certainty that I have wronged no one and wish only good things for everyone whether they be someone I love or hate.

Then maybe God will go easy on his sinful child.

I love road trips. I began loving them while I was in the US and my friends and I travelled everywhere by road. Og course, there were many 'rich' Malaysians who chose to fly everywhere but we drove. We saw more and got exposed to the American life at the same time.

We once drove into a town and stayed long enough to see a circular raibow in the sky and watched a little parade go through town. Considering taht it only takes a person 15 minutes to walk around the entire town, it was quaint parade.

Anyway, I flew into Bintulu on Friday evening and met Shook's friend Alam for the first time. Nice guy, very quiet. Rather withdrawn and trying so hard not to enjoy himself. Shook and I stayed at the Regency hotel. Across the road from the hotel was Demak motorcycle shop, which made me feel better about Bintulu somehow.

The next day, Saturday, Shook drove us to Miri. I figured I mgiht as well got to know the road he and another friend Sonnie got stranded on. Shook kept commenting about how Sarawak was like Texas. Instead of wheat fields, you see acres and acres of palm trees. And when you do get to a clearing, it's all dried up and flat beige-coloured area like a desert.

Anyway, I got gleeful about two things on the way. One, we have a Kampung Iran. So weird. Two, we have the oddest roundabout ever created. It's odd and pointless. I really would like to talk to the engineer who designed it and listen to his justification for wasting our money on it. What are the odds that we asked federal government for money for this and the State wastes it on a pointless roundabout in the middle of nowhere?


And we have cattle crossing, just like in Texas!!

There are certain things a person can only do when they have lots of days free with no obligations to anyone or anything.

One of those things is being able to go watch movies. Lots of movies.

Nuril and I went to watch Bee Movie on Tuesday afternoon. Then I went to watch Beowulf on Tuesday night with Rin, Ivan, Shah, Nick and Dulcy. Yesterday, Nuril and I went to watch Stardust. We had planned to watch Beowulf today but since I already went on Tuesday, we decided to take today off.

I'm going to Bintulu and Miri this weekend so Nuril and I will start our insanity again next week until Friday. We're hopping onto a plane to KL either on Friday or Saturday.

Next week, it's going to be Mr Magorium's Magic Emporium or something like that and Hitman and Enchanted. In December, it's going to be Alvin and the Chipmunks and Golden Compass.

Yes, we have our movies insanity mapped out until next month. And as soon as I'm not flying anywhere, I'm going back to school to do some work.

In all the years I've known Shook, he has never actually come out and told me he loved me. He's more of an action person. He'll show me he loves me but he'll never say it. I believe this is because he feels that talk is cheap. Actions do better.

On the other hand, I'm more likely to say it often, not to bore him (I hope!) or anything but to assure him that I do. Then again, I also act like I love him and I don't try to beat him up as if I hate him. Not that I can beat him up, but you get my point.

So, with all that's been going on, I have long declared that on the day he tells me he loves me, I'm likely to fall off wherever I'm at and hit the floor with a huge thud!

What's really funny is, on the day he did finally say it, it was in a different language and I was already on the floor! His timing, being what it is, was either so bad or it was so that I had to behave once he did say it.

We were opening wedding presents on Sunday night and both of us sat in the middle of the floor surrounded by my family and his. Then we came across a present that Nuril read as 'plateau' and I went 'huh?'. Syuk said it was French for 'plate' to which Nuril replied that she didn't take French long enough to know. Then Syuk turned to me and said he loved me. In French! Being blur as I was I actually asked what he said. He replied 'I like you." and Nuril (bless her soul!) said "I thought it means I love you!"

So, no thud because I was already sitting on the floor. We were surrounded by family so I couldn't very well drag him back into the room. I got my long-awaited and long-fought-for 'I love you' but in a foreign language. And Arieanna spent the whole night pointing at Shook and demanding to be taken by him.

Ceh! I had to marry the one guy little children like so much!

Last night, Rin, Gette, Dulcy and I got together at Rin's house to burn things.

Since I seemed to have lost the letters I got from the guy who I once hoped would be my boyfriend and he showed me how very much he didn't want that in the worst possible way, or maybe we were together but I was never really sure, I decided to burn some other letters and a horrible looking maroon shirt given to Shook by his ex.

She was one very stupid ex. I mean, really. Dumb blonde would be a compliment to her. She's dumber than the average dumb blonde. She used the guys she was with to get to other guys. So I'm happy nothing good is happening to her right now. Then again, whatever is happening to her, I don't know for sure. I've just got hearsay to go on. But then, nobody escapes karma. You really got to face facts about yourself when your life becomes crap after you've done crappy things to other people.

Anyway, the shirt she gave Shook and which I burnt last night? It was such fun to first rip it and then burn it. The smoke became red! Not to mention the shirt still looked brand new. Goes to show she never knew him at all. So she probably failed to realise, maybe until now, how much she hurt him with her inconsiderate, childish ways.

Well, I'm glad she dumped him. I may have had to work my way through the emotional crap she left him but I did it and survived. While she is still stuck in emotional, crappy hell.

Don't mind me while I laugh maniacally in glee.

Some months ago, I intended to write blog entries on my wedding preparations. I thought it'd be fun to do and it'll also be some sort of a record of pre-wedding activities for me.

Now, with school year-end chaos, exams, paper marking, report writing combined with wedding preparations, the last thing I want to do is keep a record of what I'm doing for the wedding.

I do have photos and I do keep track of what I'm doing but I'm not putting it down on paper. I'll most probably wait for my friend in the UK to get me the wedding book I asked for and I'll write things down in there.

Right now, all I want is for the weekend to come and get the whole thing over with. Unfortunately, when I say it'll finally be over, some people think I am very eager to get married, which I'm not. I'm just following the natural evolution of things. Another group of people think I'm eager to have sex, which my only reply is 'Phht! Lambat cerita!'. Another group of people think a wedding is so ultra exciting and oh-my-god-so-awesome to which I want to say 'Put a sock in it and if I had my way, we'd have been married already by last weekend and having a nice quiet dinner with 5 tables of friends and family at a nice restaurant!'

My parents may be in the limelight all the time but I have spent my entire life avoiding it. Dumping me in that limelight now is working hell on my system and if I cringe or frown on my wedding day, that's the reason why. I might even start crying out of fear. I never liked being the center of attention and being there makes me nervous. Some people throw a tantrum when they don't get their way or start sulking when people pay attention to someone else. Me, I just retreat into the shadows and watch people make fools of themselves.

Unfortunately, this coming weekend, I'll be that fool in the limelight, walking around under the guise of being the queen for the day. I am more looking forward to seeing family and friends I've not seen in a while and enjoying time alone with Shook.

I'm going to do my nails on Thursday, my hair on Friday. By Sunday evening, I'm going to chop my hair off and get back into my jeans and t-shirt.

Limelight can kiss my big, fat behind!

Apparently today is his birthday! Found this out from a friend's blog and decided to check. True enough. It's today.

So I'm going to go home later and dig up a chocolate chip cookie and dedicate it to Cookie!

I love Shook's friends. I mean, the ones he's had since school days.

They are such a lovely group of people. I hardly know them and I seldom meet them but they are willing to go out of the way for me as much as they could. I hardly even meet up with them but when I do, not only do they give me cakes, they are even willing to send invitation cards for me without my asking.

And some of them even look good.

Some of them can't hang on to relationships or marriages much but they're nice guys. They compliment people in such a way that you believe they see beyond looks, religion and such. They seem to see to the heart of a person and decide then. So I may not be hot or cool or bodacious or awesome or whatever but I'm good for Shook and that's what counts with them.

And if I take into consideration that these are the guys who really have gone through thick and thin with him, then I value their opinions and I'm glad I like them.

And I saw one of them today in work clothes and on a hot day. Holy moley! If any of my girl friends see him, I cannot be held responsible for his life, or lack of, after they're done! I would have been hubba-hubba-ing if I wasn't so frazzled and so totally committed to Shook ;)

Excuse me while I have a mild panic attack!!

I'm getting married in ONE week!!!

Aaargh!!!

It used to be the idea of marriage that freaks me out. Now I'm fine with it because Shook is being very calm about it and I believe we can work things out properly when we have to.

What's freaking me out now is the number of people coming in for the wedding and the venue capacity and the decorations and the programme and...and...everything!!! I'm worried there's not enough seats, I'm worried more people will come in than expected, I'm worried people who didn't reply will suddenly show up and have no seat or they did reply and don't show up and I'm facing empty seats. I'm worried.

Then I need drivers, 'babysitters', lots of help. I have friends who have agreed to help me and I love them for it. I shall treat them to dinner one day, just us friends.

On the plus side, friends I haven't seen in ages are coming. Yay! My outfits fit me so well and I just need to remember not to cringe or slouch or look worried in the photos. My many, many relatives from literally around the world are coming too. And I'm hoping with all my heart that Jin Shamsuddin makes it. Who cares about Siti Nurhaliza and all those hanger-ons when the real thing will be there? Yay!

I keep forgetting it's next week. My brain keeps saying 'Two weeks.' ;)

There is always this belief that just because someone is educated or part of a well-known organisation, it is safe to assume that they are also considerate.

So not true!

I spoke to a Toastmaster member over the weekend as she kept hassling me to do a few things for her and to attend a particular event. I kept telling her I was getting married in two weeks. And she kept asking whether I could attend the event a few days before the wedding. Think about it! A wedding is no easy thing to be a part of and you are asking me to divide my time and energy and person between your event and mine! Which would you logically think would mean more to me?!

I am so glad my own Toastmasters club members understand what I'm going through and have given me some slack. Others are just too zealous that they forget we're not paid by Toastmasters to do what we do. We're volunteering and we pay for Toastmasters to work for us! Some people need a life...or to have more sex, whicever helps them more.

Anyway, I do have a few more things to rant about but I'll keep it for blog fodder for later.

I'm supposed to be doing some marking and report writing but if I read one more answer that goes round in circles, I'll scream. So I think I'll just sing for awhile then bring the papers home to be marked. I can also do report writing at home while I read up on Dean and Sam Winchester and the ghosts they are chasing.

Oh, my wedding planner just called me to say that my clothes are ready and I can go for fittings tomorrow. They worked faster than I expected. I hope it turns out well. I have enough to worry about without my clothes going berserk.

And my sisters are supposed to work on a presentation for the wedding reception. I'm afraid they might end up humiliating me instead. One of them seem to have no idea of the differentiation between insulting and fun.

I honestly never usually find African American guys very hot. I have nothing against them but I rarely come across one I feel is worth drooling over.

However, there only one I only ever found really attractive was Denzel Washington. I find him really appealing for some reason. Nowadays, however, I find myself liking Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds.

In looking for pictures of him, I discovered he also used to act in Birds of Prey. No wonder he looked so familiar.

Anyway, I had to put this picture here. He's just so attractive somehow. And in looking for these pictures, I found some which I wish I never saw.

My dad just bought the Volvo S60. And it looks exactly like the picture below. Well, there may be a slight difference but I haven't taken a good look at it yet nor have I driven it yet. But soon I will!

But I like the looks of the car. Definitely will try to drive it very, very soon.

I was so excited to be able to access my internet again that my first instinct was to write a blog post.

After I opened w.bloggar, then I realised I don't have anything substantial to say.

Haiya! So much for the excitement. Haha!

I just hope this ability to be online is stable now and not wonky anymore. I'd scream if I have nothing to do to while away the hours during Raya. I know I have Criminal Minds and other tv shows to watch but there's only so much tv a person can watch. As for the PS2, same thing. I have a short attention problem, remember? I do want to kidnap Shook's PSP though. Hee! Hee!

Oh, his parents are so hilarious. I love them! His mom called to ask what Uncle should wear for sembahyang at our house tonight. He was wondering who would be here in case he had to dress up. So I had to tell Aunty that the usual baju he wears to sembahyang every night is fine. So sweet and funny!

Now I'm off to watch Criminal Minds and hoping I can get SUperntural, Prison Break and Heroes ;)

I seriously believe that if your exes (ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend) still want to keep tabs on your movements despite the fact that you broke up badly or that you might hate them already for what they did or didn't do, then that ex has a serious mental problem!

The thing is, if the break-up was a good one and you're still friends, by all means, keep in touch. I don't mind. But if the break-up was bad and the ex still wants to be a busybody about your life, if I were you, I'd count msyelf lucky because I got away before the mental problem became psychopathic or homocidal.

It is sad that there are some mental cases out there who want to have relationships. Those are the type that scar people and make people wary of good relationships. Or they could help create more mental cases themselves.

Whether your parents are somebody or nobody in society, it doesn't give anyone the right to decide what or who is right or wrong for anyone.

Along those lines, someone needs to tell them to mind their own bloody business and get their own lives before they dry up and shrivel up and nobody wants them anymore even if they were the last person on earth and the world is depending on them to create more humans to populate the earth!

"Start practising courtesy, you’ll find it pays instant dividends – gives you ease and poise, prevents friction with others, speeds action towards your goals and makes you FEEL GOOD!"

from A Winning Attitude book.

I'm feeling a wee bit upset now.

I just read the news that the original Miss Moneypenny is no more. Lois Maxwell passed away on 29th September in Australia.

Everytime I think of Miss Moneypenny, I think of her. I can't even get a mental image of the other Misses Moneypenny.

I just finished watching House season 3 and currently trying to get Season 4 episode 1. So while waiting for that and the new Bionic Woman season 1, I decided to watch the Criminal Minds season 1 that I bought.

And I also just realised, much to my glee, that I finished downloading the entire collection of Buffy and Angel comics as well as Heroes Season 2 episode 1.

I love it when my weekend is productive and going the way I want it.

As much as I regret not being able to see Shook this weekend, I guess I'm pretty content with how it's gone.

Now, I need to mark exam papers and prepare test papers. Who says teachers have weekends and holidays? The only one I have is the one at the end of the year. But this year, I'll be working even during the school holidays until the last three weeks of December. I hope I can take a week or two off before that to go to China. I'm hoping I could discuss with my boss for a few days off before the wedding and after.

Then there's my Toastmasters and my Alumni. Both demanding exco meetings and both giving me a headache. Oh well, half a year more and I'll be free. I just need to go a damn good job before my term is up. *sigh*

No, I'm not depressed. I'm just tired, thinking ahead of all the things I need to do before I can finally take a break.

It's late and I'm not as sleepy as I thought I was. But then again, I took a short nap in front of the TV a few hours ago.

I was on IM with Shook but he seemed to have disappeared while I was away getting something to drink. I'll wait I guess.

I also bought three DVD boxed sets. House season 3 and Criminal Minds Seasons 1 & 2. I love both shows. Now I'm downloading Heroes Season 2 and Prison Break Season 3. All I need is Supernatural to start again to make my life content.

I went for singing lesson on Thursday. Misato got Henrick and me to do All I Ask of You. We hit the pitch we were supposed to, which for me was an achievement. If you've ever listened to the song, you'll understand. Think Sarah Brightman. It was a bit difficult but I found that enjoying the singing was key to getting the pitch. Then I had to get the tune correct. But it was absolute fun.

I really wish I was heading out to Miri tomorrow. I miss Shook. Really need that hug, a cuddle and some human touch.

*sigh*

The song's not helping.


ETA: The temple got all quiet very suddenly. I wonder if the police I called finally got there. The Superintendent told me to call him again if they got noisy again. I have more patience than my sister. She was home early only today and complained straight to my dad in india! I've had to tolerate the noise for almost a month since my room faces the temple itself!

Either the noise from the temple is doing me more good than I give it credit for or I've been tired enough to hit my dream-state faster than ever before.

I got another dream last ngiht. Only this time I wasn't singing but I was hanging out with a boy band. I think they called themselves New Kids On The Block. But, before you shit yourself laughing your eyes out, it wasn't the Knight brothers or the Wahlberg or those other two. It was some other guys. Much cuter, better built and better singers. And I think, in the true typical teenage style, I liked one of them and he liked me. But we never said anything. Either we were working together or we just didn't think there was any point in pursuing a relationship.

Anyway, their real manager was a Morgan Freedman lookalike with a similar disposition. At one point, he tried to get me to do something and it just clicked with me that I didn't want to do it anymore. He gave me a choice: do it or walk away. I chose to walk away. And I said it out loud in front of one of the guys. He was coming after me to change my mind when I woke up.

At this rate, I am so going singing tonight. Maybe it'll purge all this singing dreams out of my head.

I've been having a series of really odd dreams recently. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been sleeping fairly early to avoid listening to the noise from the temple behind my house. The last time I was bothered by the noise I slept late and woke up with a headache. And because they kept me up until 1.30 a.m. I let the house alarm go on for a good few minutes when it was triggered in the morning. If they want to keep me up until late, I was definitely going to wake them up as early as I had to be up.

Anyway, my dream. It's the best and the most chaotic so far.

I dreamt I was to perform The Phantom of the Opera on stage. In my dream, my student was one of the cast members too so her parents were driving us to the venue. When we got there, it was a typical stage performance venue. Backstage was chaos with everyone running everywhere and there was lots of yelling. The odd thing was that there was no dress rehearsal. Heck, there was no rehearsals at all. That day was show day itself.

Anyway, one guy, most likely the producer, was allocating numbers to cast members depending on their roles. My student was number 7. I remember because she kept saying it over and over again. Being me, I kept quiet while trying to understand the number system. Everyone had a number based on their order of importance. Then the producer looked at me and asked for my number. I was a bit confused so I replied that I didn't know and that all I knew was I was to play Christine. He literally jumped and said, "You're number one! Come with me!"

He led me to my dressing room which he said I was sharing with my co-star. When I walked in, there were two beds with a curtain partition in the middle of the room. On one bed was a guy sleeping. When I asked who he was, the producer said "Oh, he's the Phantom."

And I could swear it was Jared Padalecki.

Anyway, the scene changed and I was wearing a dress exactly like the one for Christine Daae. And I was being hassled on stage. Jared was singing his bit (very well, I might add!) and I knew my turn was coming up. My only thought though was that I had no clue where to go on stage. There had been no rehearsals and I was so winging it.

Well, I walked on stage and jumped right into The Music of The Night which flowed into The Phantom of The Opera. And I sang so well that I shocked myself.

I think I dreamt on for most of the show. Then, just as we were about to get to the point near the end where the mob was going into the labyrinth to go after the Phantom, my alarm went off and I woke up.

It was an exciting dream. I want a repeat or a sequel, damn it!

A lot of my depression comes from the fact that I'm stressed from work and wedding preparations. Teaching is, after all, one of the top most stressful work ever. And a wedding is stressful enough.

Other than that, I just need to stay away from people awhile and then I'm fine. I know I'm getting better when I feel bad about snapping at others.

Oh, I tried this dream house blueprint thing and got this.

I was just about to cheer the fact that the temple right behind my house finally decided to quieten down and let me sleep or, at least, have some peace when they started banging the drums again!

Aaaarrghh! I am never usually made cranky by any pills popped or by any type of cold or cough or chest pains but this time I am. And I think one of the major reasons is that stupid drumming I have to hear every single night. They will thump-thump-thump and then at the crescendo of the drumming, they'll all yell. It's frustrating, annoying and just downright rude. And the guys who patronise this temple are known to be gangsters. Who apparently fear ghosts.

Let me sleep, damn it!!

I'm sleepy all day. I even steal a nap or two during the work hours, which is something I never thought I'd do since it just seems so unethical. I snapped at Shook, very irrationally, I might add. I pout and pull a tantrum like a spoilt brat. And I cannot stop coughing, which in turn hurts my chest. I might go back to the doctor tomorrow to have it checked again since I finished my meds today.

The only good thing that's happened so far is that my wedding planner has taken over the overseeing of the wedding. I'm not free yet but I'm out of that damn woods. Those woods that are my wedding in name only yet not mine in reality. The next time there's a wedding involving my house, I'm hoping to be out of the country until the extreme last minute.

The other good thing is that the room which is mine and Shook's temporariy until our house is built is looking better than the one in our house which is being built. It has a nice corner shower stall with very Sims-like doors. It even has a medicine cabinet behind the mirror. I didn't think Malaysians even knew what that is! But it's all looking very pretty. The only thing is I'm almost laughing thinking if Shook will ever get to use it! He's only going to fly in on Friday to get married on Saturday, sit through two receptions then fly back on Sunday evening. Ah, so sad! A lesser person will cry in despair. Me? I may be pathetic but even I can see the joke in that. Only good thing I see from that is that I get to spend more time with my two very good friends who are flying in especially for this wedding.

Ah! They've stopped thumping. Oh, the blessed silence! Maybe now I can go to bed. And have a nice dream. Hopefully one where Angel does not try to make me laugh at Gunn and Wesley's jokes. Make me fell like Illyria, why don't you, Angel?

Or maybe I should stop working on my fanfiction for awhile. But then why don't I dream of the Winchester brothers?!

Angel is better at brooding than Dean, that's why! Haha!

I'm just tired and cranky. There! How's that for an opening statement?

I can keep my temper in check at work but, at home, it's harder. My mom doesn't seem to understand how busy work is. Maybe she really does believe I work like other teachers - sit there and do nothing. Trying to explain to her is as pointless as trying to tell my younger sister to be more matured and responsible.

I'm also still on my medication, which adds to the tiredness and crankiness. I would love to go to bed by 9 and wake up at 9 the next day. But I can't. The temple behind my house is making a whole lot of noise because they're scared of ghosts. But they will act all gangster-like and threaten people with their souped up, modified-to-the-max cars. So much for macho! Then when my sister comes home, she slams doors and pounds up the stairs.

Then, by 6, I have to wake up while everyone is still asleep. I'm just going to have to wait for the weekend. But with my parents going away, guess who is left with all the responsibilities again? Because of that too, I can't go to Miri to visit Shook for his birthday.

Then, there's my sister who seems to think she is the centre of the universe. Her friends are smarter, better and think of her always. Yeah, right. Let's see your friends try to pay and maintain you with the lifestyle you lead. See if they care about you when you don't have a car or money to spend.

I'm just very tired. I need more sleep. Unlike some people I know, I don't get a 4 hour break in the middle of the day so that I can go visit my boyfriend's house whch is much, much further away than my youngest sister's tuition place but will complain about having to help pick up youngest sister anyway.

Am I pissy? Yes. Can you blame me?

Someone said that stress is a thinking man's disease. So, if you're hardly ever stressed, does that mean you hardly do any thinking? Just wondering.

And I've been so stressed that I've been sick almost every single month this year. I got a very high fever on Saturday while at Wil's place. But we still manage to have the barbecue and all. I just passed out in front of the TV after that. My fever was on and off and got into a full-blown high fever during the night. My Sunday was in a daze because I drugged myself just to keep the fever away.

And I realised that I want to hide my head somewhere just so I don't have to listen to people nagging me about my wedding. It doesn't help that I have to do what is expected and not what I want. But considering that a big wedding was not what I wanted in the first place, I guess what I want no longer matters. I wish more people would understand this. And everyone I try to talk about this to either don't care or think I'm bragging. I can see their eyes glaze over and I'm not bragging. I don't want a big wedding much less two wedding receptions. I don't like all the work that goes into it since it's for other people's benefit rather than my own. And although I never wanted this wedding, I'm the one expected to work on it in addition to all the year-end chaos at work and the Raya coming up. So much is expected of me and all I'm asking for is a sympathietic ear. But nobody wants to lend one. So if anyone wonders why i'm getting distant, this is it. It's because I stopped caring. You all want a robot, well, you got one.

I don't understand why people are so in a hurry to get married. Is it because their friends are married? Is it because they think it's so cool to be married? Honey, it's not as easy as it looks. Having a relationship is not easy. It's a lot of compromise and sacrifice. If you're not prepared to do either, I would recommend you don't even think about being in a relationship, much less being married. If you're going to cry everytime he doesn't jump at your command or scream at him everytime he says no, then you do not deserve to be with anyone. And I know most guys will find it easier to walk away when the girl does stupid things like cry and yell and scream when they don't get what they want.

For the record, I'm getting married because it's the right time for me and Shook. He doesn't mind it and neither do I. And I believe this marriage thing with the preparations and all have helped us understand each other a little more. But if left to the two of us, all our wedding will consist of is a trip to the tok kadi to marry us off and after that a lunch or dinner with a very small group of friends and close family. That's it. That has always been my plan. But now that plan has gone out the window and flown to the remote regions of Africa!

And who is the one in pain? Me. Damnit! It's about time I did a me, me, me thing. Usually even when I'm complaining I end up listening to other people's tale of woe.

I did a short test the other day on a psych website and I might have adult ADD and am bipolar. Now I'm almost tempted to go see someone at Normah but I won't. Because I'm not a problem to anyone but myself. So I'll wait.

For now, I'm just going to rant and feel sorry for myself. I'm allowed that much, at least.

I'm having mixed feelings about this weekend.

On one hand, we will be going to see Wilfred at his kampung. He wants to show off his new aquarium and new fishing spot to Shook.

It was a weird coincidence on Wednesday night. After taking Shook from the airport, we went to his place to put his stuff down. Then, before dinner, we went to Greek's. While there, I asked him if we could go see Wil this weekend and he said okay. So I messaged Wil and when I got no reply, I messaged Tremas. She called me to say Wil was at Greek's. After much talk, I called him on his new number. He called me back to say he was at Pizza Hut and asked us to join him, Simon, Michelle, Dylan and his wife. I think her named was Henrietta/Marietta? It could have been something else entirely for all I know too.

So it was a funny coincidence that Wil was in the area the same time I decided to message him. Also, the guys were not supposed to go up to the kampung this weekend but since Shook is only here then, they changed their programme from next weekend to this weekend. Dylan suggested Rayu but it's just too much hassle. Besides, Rayu is not Wil's kampung where we generally do as we please anyway.

And after that we went to a drinking place where Wil decided to buy drinks for everyone. He even bought dinner for everyone. I finally got my bottle of Absolut Kurant. Wil promised that next time, we'll do Absolut Citron and the other flavours just so I could get the bottles. See why I love Wil? Hee! Hee!

And all the stories of times gone by when he and Shook were hanging out with Leon and Mac a lot came out. Simon thought it was very apt that the first time I met Wil was at Eagle's Nest where Shook invited me to for a drink. I remember Wil was all happy then and started egging Shook on about inviting a girl over. Very supportive that guy but very funny too. He's also very generous when he has money. He makes it easy for people like me to be nice to because I know the favour will be returned.

We're supposed to go to Miri at the end of the month. I told him I was going and we told him about how good Miri is now. He immediately wants to go too and he managed to get Simon to agree as well. Very weird but in a funny way.

The only thing I don't like about this weekend is that Shook leaves not at 4 p.m. on Sunday as usual but most likely at 4 a.m. A few of them have decided to drive back to Bintulu because they want their cars there and then drive back here for Raya.

I'm worried, despite the fact that I know he'll be careful. I guess I won't stop worrying until he calls me from Bintulu.

On the plus side, we got his PSP repaired and I saw the PSP Slim & Lite. Shook promised to buy me one next year. I'm hoping the other colours get here by then.

Last week, my boss asked me why I'm not all dizzy about my wedding. I didn't have the heart to tell her that, if I denied it long enough, I'm hoping it'll just go away.

Anyone ever wonder why I don't talk about it? It's because it scares the living daylights out of me. And I rather not talk any more than I have to about it because I'm hoping I could go to sleep on the 8th and wake up on the 12th of November.

When I get angry with Shook now, I can walk away. Where do I run to when I get angry with him after July next year?

A part of me still doesn't want to be married and I don't understand why some people are desperate to be married. I don't even understand the need to be with someone. I was fine on my own for the years before Shook came along. And since it took him one year to convince me, I figure I was still fighting it even then.

If anyone really believes I'm giddy about this wedding or being married, they are seriously deluded and need to go to Normah and check out the psych ward.

My day started out normal. We had breakfast at Hilton because I wanted to see the Habib Jewels exhibition. I almost got the wedding rings I wanted but they only had Shook's size and not mine. So I have to look at other options now.

Then I went to Sematan with the parental units because my father had a function to attend and the people organising it insisted we all went along. So we did. I had a nice talk with my cousin's wife, during which time she reminded me that it really isn't a good idea to piss off the people of my clan. Either things happen or things don't happen, depending on which one people want. I do know that my father has what the Malays like to call 'mulut masin' or salty mouth, for direct translation. All it means is that anything he says would usually come true. So he avoids making pessimistic predictions now because 9 times out of 10, they come true. I've seen it happen.

As for me, I can sometimes do the same but my mouth is not as salty. Probably because I never really say things that I mean out of malice. But there have been times when I have wished ill on some people and coincidence or not, the wish has come true. It might take a few years to happen but it does. But it only happens to people who wish me ill to begin with. The Malays call this 'tulah'. Kinda like karma. More like bad things happen to people who don't treat me with respect or if I've done nothing wrong to.

Bt I seldom believe these things. If they were true, not only would there be many dead people lying on the streets but there would be very, very many unhappy people whose misery I will be gleeful about.

Anyway, I got back from Sematan and was about to take a shower to get ready for dinner out when my mom told me my grandaunty had just passed away at 6 p.m. today. So I got dressed again and went with them to the house. Everyone had been expecting it so it wasn't a great surprise. She had been suffering from colon cancer for 6 years and everyone is glad she's no longer suffering. She did make it to my engagement last year so I'm all right. Shook remembers her.

So, I had a non-existent weekend. I am so glad Shook has no political aspirations because it sucks big time to be in that field. I'm never doing it because it takes away precious family time. And I hate the back stabbing. Some people I know would do extremely well in it, despite their denials that they would. Some other people I know wish to be in it but I know they will be chewed to bits and spat out by the sharks. I can play politics well but each time I do, I can feel my goodness seep away. Almost like a D&D game or like playing Fables. So, no. Not worth my immortal soul. I may not be the most pious person around but I do worry for my immortal soul and Shook's. Thank goodness, I don't need to teach him anything about religion or I'll have to do double time in hell for teaching the wrong thing!

So the purpose of this post is that my weekend sucked, I'm tired and cranky and the only good thing out of this is that I reached the peak of my bad mood and Shook got a lash of it. So things should only get better from here on. If it doesn't, there'll be hell to pay because I do have some lingering issues with some kiddies I know and I might just explode.

Shook will be home on Wednesday and I've got him for dinner on Thursday. I'll probably let him break fast with his parents one of the days he's here. And I'll see how he feels about meeting up with Will over the weekend. I miss Will.

Apparently, while I was spending lunchtime with Shook's parents, he was having lunch with my parents in Bintulu.

So, for a few moments, we exchanged parents. Haha! It's a weird feeling. Totally a first-time.

And he's coming home in a few days. I like you all a lot but I don't want to see you between Wednesday and Sunday.

I'll still go for singing lesson on Thursday but I'm going straight to his house after that. Haha! More alone time, if Yodie will allow us some.

While searching for videos on the Korean War for my class, I found this incredible one of a dogfight.

It is one heck of an incredible video. I watched it three times because I found the rolling scissors move just incredible.

I am in one of my picky moods. I want to eat but I don't feel like eating the food provided. I want to go out but I don't feel like going out to certain places. I want to meet friends but I can't decide which friends I want to spend time with. Worst of all, when friends don't call me to go out, I feel like going out. When I am out, I only want to go home.

It's a very annoying, frustrating moment. Nothing I do could make it any different.

The only time when I feel closest to being at peace with myself, is when I'm on the phone with Shook.

Something happened to me in Miri that scared even me. My mom called nagging me about the wedding preparations. When I told her that no matter what I do, it would still be pointless since I was in Miri, she replied with a very snarky 'I'm not the one getting married. And if you cannot get married on that day, it's not my problem.'

I felt like telling her that it was never my idea to get married. They took the choice out of my hands and ran with it. So why pick on me? At that moment, the first thought was one of absolute defeat. I had the thought that if I killed myself at that very moment, Shook would be free to find someone prettier, slimmer, smarter, my parents would only have 2 daughters to think about, there wouldn't be a wedding to get worked up over and I won't be alive to feel used and criticised and hated. Also, I won't be the shmuck who does everyone's dirty job while they rant about how ineffective what I had the guts to do was.

So, for half an hour, it felt like a win-win situation. But I would like to believe that Shook knew how I felt and kept trying to talk me out of the feeling. At one point, I know I zoned out and just functioned automatically. We were walking along the road in Miri and I was aimlessly walking towards the road. Until Shook pointed a car he said was a 'landak' (porcupine) with all the flags on the roof. That snapped me out of it and I had to laugh.

But it worries me that these mood swings happen every month now. And every month, I dictate a suicide note in my head and plan my own death. And through it all, I feel very much alone. So alone that I refuse to think about what Bernard always says because I can feel what he's saying.

I found this quotation : “Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” by Paul Tillich

Oh, a quick one. Really.

I grabbed a pair of jeans this evening and put them on thinking they were my usual, nice, comfy, baggy ones, only to realise later that they're not.

The best part is they are the pair I have lying around and have not worn in a year because they got a bit tight at the end of last year. And they weren't even tight and uncomfortable. They were just nice to wear.

And just when I had decided that I want to lose fat and gain muscles rather than lose weight.

I don't want to just lose weight because I want to keep my butt and my breasts. Hee! Hee!

I'm back in Kuching. It was a good weekend. Time alone with Shook always does wonders for my state of mind. With him away, I sometimes question his feelings for me. I even used to question it when he was here all the time.

I began asking myself exactly where I stand in his rank of priorities. Shook is not one for endearments and show of affection. He sometimes even allows me to believe he won't be faithful. He lets me believe he puts Yodie, Rin and Emma Watson above me. Oh, and not to forget his friends.

So it doesn't do a lot of good to a person's self-esteem when the person she loves does that.

But, since he's been away, he's been nicer and more...loving, for want of a better word.

I know now, he loves me although he has yet to say it. It's the little things he does. It's also the way he values my opinions and tolerates my fears. It's difficult to explain.

All I know for sure is that I do need reassurances and he does it well, in his own way.

So now, I'm reassured again. Enough to tell him he could go to dangdut bars if he wants to and go out on 'datesto help his friends if he needs to. Also, enough to not threaten to delete the Emma Watson wallpaper he has on his laptop or in his phone.

But give me a few weeks and I'll slide downhill again. Then again, in a few months, we'll be married.

I heard this line while watching Mad Labs on National Geographic and I love it!

"It's better to have a short one that works than a long one that no one can suck on."

I thought it was hilarious. It's also in reference to a snorkle mask, hallo!

Oh no! I think I've got it really bad!

I'm so excited to see Shook tomorrow that my heart actually hurts.

I was always too cynical to believe that anyone could miss anyone else that way. I mean, how could you possible miss someone so much and then get so overjoyed to see them again that it hurts? It just defies logic.

But some romantic will come along and say, with love, anything is possible.

Then again, I used to be a romantic. Then real life came along and bit me in my big behind. That was when I started to get very depressed. And honestly, you're not depressed until you've contemplated your suicide note and how people will find it. I'm no sucker for torture because I know when to cut my losses.

But, for now, I am going to see Shook tomorrow!!! Life is great! Life is cool! Life is happy, happy, joy, joy! Yay! Nothing can keep me down for long today. Tonight I'll go sing. Literally.

I find it funny that girls solve problems easier than guys do. We either admit we're wrong or we walk away. And we're more rational.

Sometimes being all macho really is a bad thing.

Haha!

Oh well, life goes on, I suppose.

You know how you don't start out feeling down or melancholy but it jumps on you anyway?

I have it now. I don't even know why. Part of my mood swing thing, I guess.

I talked to Shook last night. He tried to make me forget a lot of things. I guess the female in me refuses to forget. Yet, the aggressive bit of me wants to pulverise and destroy.

I hate losing friends or even potential friends. But this is me. I'm the person who now refuses to even hear about a certain 'friend' I once knew. She made one mistake. She put an expiry date on our friendship. More like a timeline, probably. How would you feel if someone told you "You're my past friend. They are my present friends."?

So I did what I always wondered I could do. I walked away and never looked back. Want to know a persona non grata in my life? She is it. Another friend keeps trying to talk to me about her but I usually pretend I don't hear. And you know what's worst? I'm not even tempted to find out. No curiosity, no cares, no feelings at all for her. I was told she had a baby. I felt nothing so I didn't ask if she was okay or if the baby was a boy or a girl. There was no longer a need for social niceties and courtesy.

So when I say I can cut someone out of my life, I know I can because I've done it before. And what I've done once, I can do again. And this person was my best friend. It's been more than 7 years since I cared about her. Anyone else would be no problem for me.

I never say I hate someone unless I mean it. I might not be loud but I can be mean and cold. I admire the Mafia for this reason. A bit of me follows what they are like. And when I feel someone is not worth the courtesy or my time, I stop caring. Being emotionless is easy for me. But then again, so is being impartial and fair.

Racism I can take. I don't like it but I can take it. Although I always say that a person cannot be blamed for the sins of their fathers, I also keep in mind that an apple never falls far from the tree. I don't judge people immediately but I will give them enough rope to hang themselves. And if they're found wanting, I stop wasting my time on them. I will make allowances for the people I love. But it doesn't mean I turn a blind eye.

The purpose of this post? A warning, I guess. I can and will turn away from those I find of no consequence. The only people who can change my mind are Shook, my mother and my father. But even then, I reserve my opinions and my judgements. When I am eventually proven right, which I always am, I don't gloat. But I will make sure my original displeasure is made known. There are some people in my family who my parents are trying to get me to accept again. I am stubborn, if nothing else. I don't show these people any courtesy until they show the same to my parents. I refuse to greet them until their children greet my parents. Most of all, they know I'm judging them and they know I'm watching them. And they know I will make my thoughts known to my parents. I'm not loud about it but I can be sharp. I know where it hurts them the most. I've used that knowledge before so I can use it again.

Most of all, I decide based on action, not words. Anybody can talk a bird down from the trees but nobody can hide what they really are.

An attitude was brought to me last night which I actually found more offensive than I thought. At the time, I saw it as a joke on the offensive person. After feeling my way around it, I now realise that I'm really offended.

It wasn't so much the way it was delivered or the message that was delivered. It was more of the attitude of the person delivering the message. In this sense, my pride was nudged and I just find it worth maiming for.

I pride myself in thinking that I'm pretty smart. Sometimes, I let my guard down and zone out not because I don't understand but more because the people I'm interacting with take too long to get to the point. I never denied having a very, very short attention span. I know that there is a chance I have ADD but I never bothered to get any sort of confirmation. I just know that when someone speaks too slowly or takes too long to make sense or get to the point, I actually switch off or get distracted. Rather cat-like, really.

And because my brain moves much, much faster than my hand or mouth can keep up, I tend to either scribble a lot or stutter a little. My stuttering is not a sign of dumbness but more of my brains hitting the brakes to wait for my mouth to catch up. And I need to do this because when I was young, people had to remind me countless times to slow down when I speak.

So when some schmuck comes along and hints to me that he thinks I am dumb, I get a bit peeved. I get offended when said person has a hard time comprehending any word that has more than 3 syllables in it. I am now offended enough to tell Shook about all this and then let him take over for me. Although I can and do keep up with Shook even at his most elitist, my brain moves too fast for my mouth to follow. Shook slows his down well enough to make the person listening look like they have an IQ of less than 25!

Despite the fact that I do hold 3 degrees (which is 3 more than offensive numbnut has!), I am first to acknowledge the fact that I have a lot to learn and that there are smarter people out there.

I also safely acknowledge the fact that I do come from an old family that use to own a quarter of Kuching. (I think the other 3 quarters were owned by Bernard's, Rin's and Shah's families) My family owned most of the Green Road area where I live now. My father's family brought Islam to Sarawak and ruled over a good chunk of Borneo and parts of the Middle East, my mom's family were advisors to the Brooke family. We had money when money was scarce, especially during the Japanese occupation. My grandfather had the 15th car in Kuching. Our house had tarred roads when other people had gravel. I grew up being told that I am royalty by virtue of my ancestry within my religion. My family has a pew in the Anglican church. My family dabbled in politics since before the current politicians even thought of being politicians.

If I wanted to be a snob, I can be. The thing is I chose not to be. Because my parents brought me up the right way. I also set a high standard for myself and I try to live up to that standard.

The last thing I need is a Mr Bigmouth from Nowheresville in Hickstown to tell me I'm stupider than he is. You can criticise my weight and my looks and my built. But don't even think of criticising my intelligence. I'm smart enough to know when to speak, when to shut up and when to play blonde.

Dipstick just flaps his lid with no thought at all. Explains why he is with the one he is.

First, we could not access a lot of websites. Now we seem to be able to access a lot.

I wonder who is responsible for this.

Oh well, as long as I don't have to be the one who tries to justify why I need Facebook and Blogspot accessible.

Did that make any sense? Because I didn't bother sleeping last night.

Someone made a Bumblebee out of paper. It looks easy enough but I am well aware of the work that went into it. The site is in Chinese, I think, but it looks very interesting. So those of you who have nothing to do, no life or just a major fan of robots, maybe you could try this out. Haha!

First, I couldn't connect to the Internet to save my life!

Now, after various complaints to various areas (including one to the CEO of Telco himself and another to the contractor who is renovating my house), now it connects even before my computer is fully started up! My internet is running so smoothly that it's scaring me.

Why? Because if it screws up again, I would already know what it feels like to have the perfect internet connection! And then to lose it would be heartbreaking!!

I finally watched Bride & Prejudice last night. I thought it was pretty interesting. I'm so used to listening to Hindi music than it was fun to listen to it in English. But all the Bollywood cliches were there. Which sort of added to the fun.

I have always wondered why people generally fell for Darcy in any version of Pride & Prejudice. But in this one, I thought he was so hot.

I'm almost very sure it was the suits he wore that did it. But when he wore jeans and leather jacket, I thought he was hot anyway.

So maybe, he just was. Hee!

PS: Right now, my neighbour is singing 'Unbreak My Heart' very badly. I can feel his pain.

Last night, Misato took out the one songbook I've been dreading yet hoping for. She took out Phantom of the Opera. Rather gleefully, I might add.

Then, she started pointing out the songs she wants us to do. The Angel of Music and All I Ask of You. The Angel of Music is for all three of us: Gette, Henrick and myself. All I Ask of You will be a duet for me and Henrick. Of course, I get to do all the Christine bits. Which makes it more scary.

The other song Henrick has to do is A Little Fall of Rain with Gette but, at least Gette has been singing that song on her own for the past month anyway.

So yeah, if I suddenly go into a Phantom craze again, this is why. The one musical I seem to feel the need to live up to and Misato hits me with it now. It doesn't help that this is the musical that got me started on all other musicals. So if I screw this up, I am so not worthy!

A person's level of intelligence, or smarts, should not be defined by how well they did in the formal institutes of learning, but by how well they cope with real life.

A certificate from an institute of learning only gets you as far as the front door of your job. It's what you do inside that door that determines whether you stay or go.

I's the same with real life. You can be a genius at your job but you might not even know which of your friends is going to screw you up later. I know of people who can recite the entire periodic table to me but they just don't seem to understand when I want them to back off!

I'm a very private person. There are lots of things that goes on in my head that I don't reveal. Little thoughts. Thoughts that I think might be insignificant to others. Thoughts that might be so huge that it can offend others. I reveal certain thoughts only to certain people. Right now, only Shook is privy to most of my thoughts. Even then, there are some I keep close to me.

Another thing I absolutely am almost fanatic about is my personal space. If I want to hug you, I'll make the first step. If I want to touch you, I'll make the first move. If I want to sit next to you, I'll sit next to you and face you. If I don't make the first move, or take the first step or if I turn away from you when I have to sit next to you, even an absolute moron will know I don't want to be anywhere near you! If you need to be told, then you need to be more aware of life around you!

My room and my house is my own sanctuary. It's always been a matter of courtesy for me to call someone and ask if I can come over to their house or I'll ask if I can go into their room. I never assume I can. Even now, I still call ahead or inform first if I want to go to Shook's house. And I have a key to that house!

And if I call and they say they're busy, then they're busy. What they're busy doing is really their concern. Not mine and not anyone else's. And this is usually the same courtesy I expect from a logical, thinking adult. I don't expect a dog or a cat to know when it can come into my house. I don't even expect a child to know although I've met children who do know. But I definitely expect it from my friends, my relatives and most adults I come across. If they cannot do even this minor thing, then not only do I wonder at their intelligence, or lack thereof, but I also wonder how they can be alive as long as they have!

Nobody has the right to assume they are always welcome in another person's house. I may say a person is welcome anytime because I am Asian and I was brought up to be polite and nice. But it does not mean anyone can just appear at my gate at anytime they like. People like this cannot live overseas because in places like the US, you might get shot for trespassing!

Granted that this may be how I run my life and not everyone is like me. But why run the risk of making people hate you by assuming they are not like me?

And when you think of it that way, 'assume' really does make an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'.

The best way to learn about the Internet is to explore it.

How can you expect to learn about it or fully utilise it if you only go to one same stupid website?

I am not able to access my internet from home the past few days. And the internet at work has limited access due to sites being blocked.

So, on that note, whatever possible blog posts I have need to be put on hold for awhile. Trust me, I have a lot to say but I need a relaxing environment to write them all. Work is an insane chaos so no tranquility there.

My other option is to do what Nick does. Carry my laptop around looking for free wifi access. Maybe I'll do that this weekend. After all, we hang out at those places a lot. It shouldn't be much of a hassle.

I've been getting all these forwarded emails of warnings. They seem to know all the details and what to look out for. The most recent one I got is about going into taxis that have purifiers and perfume spray which later knock the passengers out and then the passengers get raped or/and robbed. The other one I got was about those people who give out little cards at Saberkas and Sarawak Plaza. Apparently, when you do sign up to their deals, your credit card gets maxed and you get robbed.

I can't verify them because we don't have a local Snopes.com that I know off. So my only question is that if the person who originally wrote the emails to be forwarded knows so much about it, why didn't they make an official police report and shut them down? Or even go to the press about it. After all, all the papers like these little scandals. Why spam our mailboxes? It's not like we can do anything.

That's the thing about us. We do all these passive things and we complain and gripe about it. If you feel that strongly about it, go tell someone in authority. When all else fails, do what everyone does - go to the newspapers, where all dirty laundry, except their own, is aired.

It doesn't help my mood when people regard office property as their own personal property and become possessive about it.

To me, one bloody ream a day from a printer that's used by at least 45 teachers is not much. Bloody bitch!

It's not as if the cunt is paying for it herself!

I'm on the verge of going to the deputy principal's office and ranting to him about it. If this goes on, I want my own frigging printer, damn it! I don't even print that much. When I do, it's for the students!

This Facebook is evil when it is placed in the wrong hands. And the wrong hands today were mine.

I think there is something in the air because I am alternating between all-out murder, slipping into depression and rolling on the floor laughing.

After the bouts of laughter last night, I triggered another one today by going crazy on Facebook. There is an application on the site where you can send virtual drinks to the friends in your network. Well, the application starts with rather sober drinks like fuzzy water, strawberry punch, light beer and so on. After sending 5 drinks to 5 friends, you get an upgrade to Jack and Coke. So, a moment of insanity took over and I sent 5 drinks. After doing so, I realised that if I send another 5 drinks, I'll get a Long Island Ice Tea. The temptation was very great except that Rin and I were laughing so hard that I almost couldn't control my mouse. Besides which, I had a meeting to run to. So, for now, everyone is safe from me.

It was fun though to live vicariously through your Facebook account.

And all this, is after the bout that was triggered yesterday about camouflaging certain toys, which carried to a conversation last night about said toy and its many reincarnations.

On the plus side, laughter lets you live longer. I rather have laughter than tears. And in the mood swing I'm going through with my current state of being, I need the laughter to distract me.

There are a few more but I can't seem to remember what they are right now. They'll come to me eventually. I probably have whatever else I don't mention here.

Sematan was as expected and, maybe, a little more.

As I expected, I didn't get much sleep. In fact, I daresay I only got 4 hours sleep overall.

But the students surprised me in many ways. When push came to shove, they showed incredible leadership qualities and teamwork. there were some bad apples in the barrel but this was a very small minority.

The best was those who bragged about not needing any sleep then got cranky when they had to do activities. Some skipped meals just so they could catch a few extra minutes of sleep. Little did they consider what they were doing to their teachers who had to stay up late to keep an eye on them and then organise the activities during the day!

Anyway, one of them gave me a really pretty shell. I was the only one who got it.

So the other teachers now think he loves me more than he loves them. To which my only response is 'I'm the one who treats him like a human being and not some dog.' But only in my thoughts. They'd get sulky if I ever said it to their faces.

But I did find two very interesting stepping stones. I would like them for my own garden because they're so cool!